Husband says he can't cope getting up at night

[Lights22]

We have two children (4 and just turned 1). Neither have ever slept through the night although the 4 year old improved significantly when we started to cosleep. I don't remember what we did with the eldest when she was younger and before cosleeping but this time round I'm struggling with the night feeds and full time work. It wasn't easy on mat leave but at least I didn't have any responsibilities towards anyone else during the day and bub and I could muddle through. For reference he was waking up up to 17 times a night, is now about 6. Sometimes it's a cuddle and back to sleep, other times it's both boobs and back to sleep.

It dawned on me shortly after going back to work that it was silly and not exactly fair that I was still doing all the night wakings despite now being back at work full time so spoke with husband about it and he now gets up when I tell him to.

I've noticed though a change in his behaviour for being more tired in the days. Much shorter with the eldest in particular. Some other things too but mainly affecting his relationships with us in the family. Over dinner tonight I said I've been thinking about nights and maybe it's not working him getting up because of the impact it is having, and he replied saying he can't cope with it.

I was kind of stumped. I've not had a single solid night's sleep for 5 years now (rubbish pregnancy with eldest). And I mean: Not. A. Single. Night. I'm now grey, wrinkled, fat, finding being the ever-accommodating manager who has complex conversations at work very tricky, to say the very least. Does he think I can cope? I guess technically I've not had a meltdown (well I did get unwell during the second pregnancy and started meds and got help etc, but potentially that was hormonal... Jury is still out). Technically I'm still alive and functioning and adore my family. But he can't cope. What an odd word. What an odd thing to say to me!

I'm not here for you to slag off my husband, he's a kind and loving man, but I'm perplexed. Like, what would happen if I said that? How do I carry on doing all the nights and the full time job? I don't really get it. And no, part time is not an option 🤷🏻‍♀️

My DH only realises how hard the not-fun bits are when he has to do them. Getting the child to sleep. Feeding them. It’s all work. He’s great at entertaining etc... But I know he would say he couldn’t cope if he had to do my kid workload...

I stopped the night wakings at 9 months because I couldn't cope. Stopped breastfeeding at night cold turkey and my husband went in to comfort with sippy cup of water and lots of cuddles.

He slept through the night after that and now he only breastfeeds before his nap and before bed (19 months). Now if he wakes in the night for any reason the first person to get up is the person who goes in and comforts. I'd say it's 70/30 split because I like a lot of sleep.

I said I couldn't cope and that was that. I'd done 9 months of all night wakings.

If you're not coping you can say that. You're supposed to be a team.

@cheeseandketchupsandwich
Dig deeper? Into what.... A magic tunnel of sleep?

This situation is beyond "normal" night wakings. It's breaking a family.

OP you can both sort it by sleep training.

And also yes to this. You are both putting up with really bad sleep hygiene for your entire family. For everyone's benefit, you need to sleep train.

There are no medals for running yourself into the ground. You're going to become sick with lack of sleep.

My 16mo son doesn't sleep though either (I no longer BF though) and as DH and I both work full time we take it in turns to sleep in his room. It's two nights on, two nights off. We've done this since DS was about 8-9 months old.

I honestly can't imagine how you can be functional with just you doing all the nights on your own. It's not just unfair, it's also extremely unhealthy for your body. You need a chance to recharge or you might start getting ill...

Cut the breastfeeding, sleep train, save your marriage. This is not a sustainable way to live.

I get his point. Lack of sleep is a form of torture and is seriously detrimental for health. For both of your sakes you need to sort out your kids' sleep.

I couldn't ever sleep train.

My one year old was waking like yours was, I night weaned at 14months and it helped massively. Was a difficult week or two initially - we still coslept but I refused boob during the night - and he started sleeping much better.

Dear god, I thought from the title that this was going to be an unreasonable husband refusing to get up at night for a newborn or young baby.

You need to sleep train both your children. You've got yourself in a right mess here!

Your husband is right to say he can't cope. You somehow coping isn't anything to be chuffed about- you're headed for a breakdown if you carry on like this.

Please sleep train but together as a team, I’m not surprised he can’t cope and I surprised you’ve managed for so long.
It seems the whole family are suffering and in a viscous cycle of constant wake ups and poor quality rest.

Honestly the problem is the children not your husband. They both need to be put to bed and enforce that they stay in bed and sleep. Insane to be up through the night at this point

Agreed. I think he's actually very sensible in being the one to admit he isn't coping, what good is pretending the situation is sustainable or normal, it's not.

Yes you need to work together to tackle the issues. Stop continuing to martyr yourself getting up repeatedly each night and co sleeping they are sticky plasters patching the problem not fixing it, start sleep training tomorrow, your current set up is helping no one.

I really appreciate your reply, and the apology.

But ... sorry, honestly, some children are different from others! My DD wouldn't sleep. Granted, she had some health issues, but every single medic we saw, simply told us that some children just will not and do not sleep. Sleep training did not work. Nothing worked. She just didn't sleep.

I absolutely agree with you that parental mental health matters. That's why I think it's totally not on for the OP's husband to opt out in this way. If he and the OP can possibly do anything to make the sleep situation better, of course they should. But, it may be that they really can't do anything. There's always a bottom line. If you have a child who simply will not sleep, there is no other option but to tough it out, and (IMO) the only way that works for parents is if they're both in it together.

Your husband should help yes however you have a much bigger problem. These kids need to be sleep trained immediately. I think sometimes as moms we feel we are supposed to be sleep deprived. Almost as a badge of honor. It's not. Your entire family is suffering. Sleep training is the best gift for these kids and yourself. I cannot imagine how you have done this for 5 years. It's unhealthy for everyone

🙄

Yeh show him this thread OP. The thread in which the majority agrees with him that he's right not to be coping.

OP's husband will be chuffed to see that he's not being unreasonable and something needs to give.

Sleep train your kids and sort this mess out for goodness sake.

He 'can't cope' ??? With getting up through the night to HIS children?

What would happen if YOU couldn't cope? FFS!

What would happen?

Then the OP and her husband could sleep train and teach their children the importance of good sleep hygiene and a solid nights sleep and everyone would live happily ever after.

Ffs.

It's time for the OP to stop "coping". Her husband has the right idea.

OP firstly sending a huge hug!

Agree maybe get some tips from sleep training experts it's not all CIO etc.

I know what you mean my DH is the same on night times and is then moody and snappy so we work to our strengths! He does til midnight/1am any wakes and resettling, I do 1-5am often going to bed before 9.30pm. He then takes over by 6am with youngest and does breakfast etc and I get an extra sleep in.
Our 13month old can be up anywhere from 2 to 6 times in a night he has occasionally slept through but it's very rare! He just struggles with sleep although is massively improved from every 40 mins!

It means we both get chunks of sleep and can function!

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read and comment (didn't realise how long my original post was but guess I was trying to pre-empt questions). In answer to recurring questions/themes...

4yo has been referred for assessment for autism, which may explain her sleep. She goes to sleep in her own bed every night and when she wakes she comes in with us.

1yo is in his own cot in his own room. We've tried sending Dad in first, bottle of water etc. Sometimes it works, when it doesn't, bub does settle on both boobs. I sleep with the monitor on silent so I only hear him once he definitely needs comfort. Husband is going to try a bottle of cow's milk when bub wakes between 10-midnight (dream feed time) and see what effect that has. He eats VERY well by day so we're confused about his need for milk overnight too.

We've noticed 1yo sleeps better when warmer (so he's in a 3.5 tog bag now rather than 2.5) and we see on the monitor that he can settle himself. 4yo categorically couldn't at that age.

We accept it is normal for babies/toddlers not to sleep through the night. We're fortunate enough to have a network around us who are happy to be honest about their situations too.

I would never sleep out, but I do now pop out eg shopping in the early evening and husband is happy to figure it out if both children wake at the same time. When I had flu (proper bed-ridden flu) husband took AL to look after the children and would bring baby to me to feed then take him away again. I don't remember what we did at night, probably something similar.

At weekends I used to always get a lie-in (both days) and an afternoon nap at the same time as baby. Something is going on with our 4yo at the moment which means she's not allowing this. Please remember she's been referred for autism, we're not passive parents, we're gentle parents and doing the best we can from our value base. Which brings me to sleep training. It's not for us. Obviously I don't want to be up 6 times a night but husband and I are both on the same page about that. For me it's just the reality of where we are in our life now and bub will improve too as he gets older.

You're right, my husband was just being honest. The mark of good communication. I do think your body adjusts to a new sleep pattern so mine has adjusted to what it has, and my husband's is still figuring out what the hell is going on. He hasn't said he won't do nights, he just said that he can't cope. I guess if I can get my lie-ins and/or naps back at the weekends, I will probably cope better in the week and he can go back to having a solid amount of sleep. He's happy to stay up later, but it's the broken sleep he can't cope with.

If the OP cannot cope which to be honest she probably can't as it's a wholly unsustainable situation everyone on here and her husband would be suggesting exactly the same, they need to work together to sleep train.

These children are not tiny babies there is absolutely no need for anyone in the family to be not sleeping and I say that as someone who had a child who woke up often but we persevered with sleep training and now if he wakes he can predominantly settle himself back to sleep. This situation is not one that will magically resolve itself and no one is a lesser parent for admitting the current set up is not working.

Time to get the sleep sorted. No reason to continuing suffering this way unless they have medical needs. Sleep training isnt what most people think it is. Start by following accounts on Instagram like Calm and Bright Sleep Support and Positively Parenthood. They give lots of tips, and then you can decide if you want to put in place some steps to sort this. Of course your husband should step up - but in this case neither of you needs to be doing this.

Before I had children, I thought I could deal with sleep deprivation. Turns out, I couldn’t. So I sleep trained my DC1 at 7 months, and had a plan for the next two DCs that avoided sleep training by being pretty focused on routine and aids to sleep independently from about 3 months which helped them both be independent sleepers of 7pm- 6am by 9 months old.

It is not right that your husband is just checking out, especially if he isn’t offering an alternative to you just coping alone. However, if my DH had been opposed to sleep training and insisted that we just continue with us both muddling through and struggling with lack of sleep, well, I think I would have hit the roof. He can’t unilaterally say you do it all, you can’t unilaterally say that it is necessary for an already one year old to wake six times a night.

But also, be aware that sleep training isn't the magic bullet most people think it is. Some children - including those with no medical needs - just don't respond to it. Remember: many people who advocate sleep training are not medically qualified. They may well have good advice, but if it's not working, that does not mean it is your fault. Nor does it mean that you have to shoulder this burden alone, while your husband decides it's too much for him.

@Lights22

You're right, my husband was just being honest. The mark of good communication. I do think your body adjusts to a new sleep pattern so mine has adjusted to what it has, and my husband's is still figuring out what the hell is going on. He hasn't said he won't do nights, he just said that he can't cope. I guess if I can get my lie-ins and/or naps back at the weekends, I will probably cope better in the week and he can go back to having a solid amount of sleep. He's happy to stay up later, but it's the broken sleep he can't cope with.

Prepare yourself to reevaluate your thoughts on sleep training. Saying "I can't cope" is a lot more than saying "I'm struggling to adjust."

You said in your OP that your husband's behaviour has changed and he's getting snappy with your kids. It is not fair for either of you to force the other to cope on no sleep and you may well have to accept that sleep training is necessary sooner rather than later.

Good luck.