Polite table manners if they don't like the food?

[TinyTeacher]

Looking for some guidance on what constitutes good manners at the table if children don't like the food a guest cooks?

Getting an awful lot of grumbling from MIL because my children dont like her cooking. She likes very strong flavours e.g. she asked me if the children liked asparagus and I said yes, but she did it fried with lots of onions (which they don't like). She asked if they like sausages and potato, which is also a yes, but she used a whole garlic and double cream and put extra nature cheese in top. It was very tasty! But the children aren't used to suck strong flavours.

My eldest tried a bit of everything but said she didn't like it, so I said that was ok but there wasn't anything else and she'd need to stay at the table while we were eating. The younger two (2yo) I gave some bread and butter to do they wouldn't go hungry as they just weren't touching it at all.

MIL thinks they were very rude not to eat it and that I shouldn't have allowed any other good and let them go to bed hungry. I don't agree with that for a 2 year old! But this situation is likely to come up again so I wonder if there is some middle ground? What is considered polite for small children to do if they don't like food?

I think your MIL is being daft to expect very young children to eat food they don’t like - those are strong flavours if you’re not used to them. Probably better to cook planer food and then give them small tastes of the ‘grown up food’. Children are very different - some (like DS1) will eat anything, others (like DD) are more conservative and both are fine.

I think it’s good to encourage a few bites and then toast or bread and butter is the way to go. I don’t believe in sending children to bed hungry (that was the way we were raised decades ago, it achieves nothing) when with a bit of common sense the adults can avoid food waste and introduce new foods gradually to small children.

*plainer food

@SirChenjins that's pretty much what I did with the younger ones. They are too young to be persuaded, so I sat them in front of it for 10 minutes, but they just moved it round their plate. One declared it wasn't food, the other licked a bit and said he didn't like it. After the 10 mins I have them some bread and butter as it was obvious they just weren't interested. My eldest is 6, so I did really want her to have a decent go at it, which (VERY slowly!) She did. I didn't give her any other food before bedtime as she'd had a decent lunch anyway, but MIL insists I shouldn't have let her leave the table without cleaning her plate.

In fairness, I'd love it if DD ate more variety of foods, she can be very picky, especially around vegetables. But I like dinner to be nice family time when possible so I don't really push it as long as she's tried some of everything.

I think you're right, it's probably a generational thing. I'm not really used to it as my parents didn't have that kind of rule, but they were used to my older sister (autistic, lots of foods she wouldn't eat and nothing could be touching/"wet") so I guess they don't view my 3 as picky in the scheme of things! Whereas by all accounts my DH has always eaten whatever is put in front of him (except carrots.... annoyingly as their one on my DS' favourites!)

Shall I just grin and bear it and keep sneaking toast???

I’d do some reading up of any books/articles that explain the developmental stages that children go through with regard to food and taste.

Then perhaps work out a way of showing this to your MIL so she can see that your kids are normal.

Stuff written by people with lots of initials after their name often helps.

Everyone, no matter their age, is entitled to have preferences.
As long as they are polite and don’t make unreasonable demands then they shouldn’t have to eat things they know they don’t like.
Children should be encouraged to try new things but that’s all

I'd just advise MIL that if she wants the gc to eat what she as cooked then she will need to cook what they will eat. Give her three or four safe options with guidance as to how they like it cooked. If she wouldn't want the pointer tell her you will bring food for the dc as you know it upsets her and it worries you when they don't eat a decent amount before bed.

Any food MIL might not like/eat? Give her them next time over.... me childish?! 😆

Personally I choose not to make meal times a battle ground. I was forced to eat food I didn't like as a child or go hungry, and it has left me with food issues as an adult.

Your older child deserves the same respect re food as your little ones.

I would also just check what MIL is going to make and mention that the children won’t like it if XYZ. I think it’s a tiny bit unfair that MIL asked if they liked asparagus and you said yes, when you could also have said “but only if grilled plain” or whatever

I was forced to eat food I didn't like as a child or go hungry, and it has left me with food issues as an adult.

Same here, memories of sitting crying over a bowl of congealing custard with the skin getting lumpier and lumpier. I think it is great that your DD tries the food; I hate the 'I don't like it' if food hasn't even been tasted. I also hate so called children's' food, and think they should eat smaller portions of adult food, but strong sauces and flavours can be too much for young palates, and I think you and your MiL need to have a chat about this before it becomes a dreaded event going to grandma's for dinner.

I would have made my children a different meal & not have let a 6 year old child go to bed with no dinner, she did try it & didn't like it.
Next time make them a meal they would eat, why is mil doing the cooking in your house anyway?

Mine use the phrase 'It's not for me, thanks' when they don't like the food either at home or elsewhere. I would always offer cheese and crackers or toast as an alternative.

My older son would try it then probably say he is full. My youngest probably wouldn't have tried that but we are teaching him to say thank you for making my food but no thank you". And I would have certainly made sure they didn't go hungry.

Garlic, cream and cheese with sausage and mash?? doubt many 2 yr olds would eat that.

I thought this was going to be a post about how to refuse food politely (instead of just saying ‘yuck’ or something). I actually think you were a mean not to give your 6 year old anything else before bed. She tried the food and didn’t like it, that’s not rude in itself.

I serve my 2 year old a wide range of foods but always put something on his plate that I already know he likes. I would probably do the same for a 6 year old. I would have just told MIL that I was raising them not to feel pressured around food. If she’s offended, tough. She’s an adult and they’re not her children.

I wouldn’t

You have said what I was thinking.

Can she bake? I’d ask her to bake instead.
She says she wants them to clear their plates, which is really a parenting decision and not one for grandparents, but what she really wants is for them to enjoy her cooking - unless she secretly yearns to spend 90 minutes having a stare off with a sobbing preschooler over a plate of food. There’s a much better chance of your DC enjoying her scones, biscuits, cakes, bread etc

My children and GC were/are allowed to say "no thankyou"; to refuse a serving of X, and to leave food on the plate.

They were NOT allowed to say anything rude about the food or the cook. Other people may not comment on someone declining pineapple/watercress etc.

I'm well aware what each persons dislikes are (and that they sometimes change with age) and don't serve them to that person. But the rest of us can still enjoy (mushrooms/olives/onions/ white flour whatever) without any "yuk"commentary from someone not eating them.

The only rude thing (as you can clearly already know) would be for your mil to use emotional manipulation to force children to eat something they don't want.
It's good that you are focusing on your children's right to refuse food, and then asking how they should express that.

Our rules are not perfect but basically we found a link to the Ellyn Satter division of responsibility which are basically that you decide when, what, and where to offer food, and the children decide whether, how much to eat.
As a result our 3 year old son doesn't even have to come to the table, and skips whole meals to play sometimes. It's been a challenge but I think it will set him up well

Perhaps reading through her work will give you the language to challenge your mil more comfortably.
Good luck!

and here is the link, for days worth of reading. I'm sure YouTube and books are just as helpful, depending on your preferred learning style
https://www.ellynsatterinstitute.org/

Consider giving your children bolder flavours so they get used to it? I wouldn't say fried onions or cream or mature cheddar are big flavours either. Shellfish and chilli's, maybe.

I think the politest thing to do is simply to leave the food on the plate without comment.

If someone is foolhardy enough to ask why it's been left on the plate, it's reasonable to give a truthful reason - e.g. 'it's too strong/salty/spicy for me' or 'I don't like the flavour of (e.g.) garlic'.

Thank you all very much for your responses, some good food for thought!

@Perfect28 I guess my cooking does tend to be quite bland! I basicallygrew up in a meat, carb 2 veg habit. I do use garlic/onion etc, but never really as the main ingredient. My eldest doesn't regularly eat anything with a stronger taste than spag bol. We do fajitas quite often, butthe children choose what to put in their wraps and plain chicken is always an option. likewise, if we're having cheese and fruit, there's always something like mild cheddar/wendsleydale/brie and they don't tend to go for mature.

@Notegoat that's a great idea, but I'm afraid she doesn't bake. DD asked to make some biscuits with her once (something I'd often do with her but at the time has said no as twins had poonami'd EVERYWHERE) but MIL took her to the bakery instead as the ones there taste better - which in fairness is true, the lady in the bakery is great!

@FannyFifer it's a bit complicated... MIL often insists in cooking as my cooking is apparently not up to scratch. When I cook she usually won't eat it and then sits in her room eating chocolate and then complaining her sugars are off (she's diabetic). She'll eat my lasagne or cottage pie, but she usually stays for more than a week so we can't eat those every night! Never a problem pre-kids as I don't mind her cooking at all. There wasn't really time to do much else, they normally eat at 5.30 but she insisted she needed the kitchen to herself and didn't bring anything out till 6pm so it was too late to do anything other than toast for the toddlers as they were getting increasingly tetchy from hunger. She was pretty cross about that as it was, so it didn't seem a good idea to start a big battle.

@ShirleyPhallus a totally fair point. I guess I always just think of plain veggies. I'm not a very interesting cook! When she said she wanted to do sausage and mash with asparagus I interpreted that as how I would do it -just those things. It sounded pretty safe.

@johnd2 that looks very interesting, thank you. I'll have a read although I dont think its a philosophy I'd be comfortable buying into right now- life is quite a jiggle act at the moment, the routine of all sitting down to dinner at the same time feels like an essential bit of our family routine!