Polite table manners if they don't like the food?

[TinyTeacher]

Looking for some guidance on what constitutes good manners at the table if children don't like the food a guest cooks?

Getting an awful lot of grumbling from MIL because my children dont like her cooking. She likes very strong flavours e.g. she asked me if the children liked asparagus and I said yes, but she did it fried with lots of onions (which they don't like). She asked if they like sausages and potato, which is also a yes, but she used a whole garlic and double cream and put extra nature cheese in top. It was very tasty! But the children aren't used to suck strong flavours.

My eldest tried a bit of everything but said she didn't like it, so I said that was ok but there wasn't anything else and she'd need to stay at the table while we were eating. The younger two (2yo) I gave some bread and butter to do they wouldn't go hungry as they just weren't touching it at all.

MIL thinks they were very rude not to eat it and that I shouldn't have allowed any other good and let them go to bed hungry. I don't agree with that for a 2 year old! But this situation is likely to come up again so I wonder if there is some middle ground? What is considered polite for small children to do if they don't like food?

She sounds like a closet bully imo.

Humans are humans everywhere… a quick Google search for "what do toddlers eat in Jamaica picky eating" (without the quotes — I picked Jamaica from your list because resources will be in English) got me this from the Medical Association of Jamaica, starting, "Most children aged one to five have an uncomfortably short list of foods that they like to eat": https://majdoctors.com/the-picky-eater/

Maybe we don't regularly see what, if any, issues Indian/Caribbean/Korean/French parents have with transitioning their children from milk-drinking babies to young people with an adult palate, because that's just not something that tends to get shown in the media. (Do you regularly get the opportunity to see Indian, Caribbean, Korean and French under-fives eating?) Some cultures that use a lot of strongly-flavoured and highly-spiced foods will have specific little children's food that adults wouldn't bother with.

We have the same standard about the food, which was in my post. We have different standards about speaking to people. The OP is not 'twisted' and did not leave her child starving. The accusations are unnecessary and unhelpful.

Our DC1 was the same as your son - and then we had DC2.

Your MIL is completely unreasonable. What sort of person makes a nice dessert for adults only? And how dare she be so rude about your cooking?

It sounds like she’s trying to impose her ideas about parenting in your home. I think you need to establish some boundaries.

Hi @SirChenjins! They're all different, that's for sure.

Of course every kid goes through phases. Folks are acting like I said all kids should be perfect eaters always. That's ridiculous, of course. The amount of food my great eater throws to the dog is super frustrating. (It is, however, improving their relationship, so I'll take it. 😆)

I think the main thing is to keep encouraging variety at every meal. Serve something they like and also a small something that pushes them a bit.

In the US, it's too easy for parents to fall into a habit of chicken fingers or pasta as everyday foods because it's easy, but I believe that does a disservice to the kids and the whole family not just in health but also in learning about of different flavours. It took me decades to like olives, but I kept trying them and when I finally liked them, it was love!

They were not being rude.

Ok, getting some quite heated replies.... please remember I've posted on Parenting looking for advice, I didn't post in AIBU!

To be totally clear to those who seem to think I was abusive to my eldest - when I didn't give her any bread and butter I was under the misunderstanding that the desert would be for everyone, so I thought it wouldn't matter if she hasn't had much main. She had eaten a lot during the day and I did check if she wanted a yoghurt before bed, which she didn't, so she wasn't starved! I'm certainly not in the habit of sending my children to get hungry, I don't use food/lack of food as a punishment.

To those of you who have pointed out that many children do eat strong flavours: yes, my cooking is often bland. I'm not a great cook and have always viewed food as something you need to feed your body. I probably could do with giving my kids a wider variety of flavours but as long as they're getting protein and a variety of veg I don't tend to worry. I will take on board feedback that I could expose them to more flavours, but equally i don't think it's abuse that my children are mostly served quite plain food.

Several of you have said that the general relationship with MIL is not good and I shouldn't let her push me around. There is obviously history there (as there always is with anything). She has had an extremely unhappy life and DH is very protective of her. I have stood up for my DD when I think it completely necessary (MIL was shouting at her and calling her stupid and clumsy, and I don't allow anyone to insult my children like that). That led to MIL refusing to speak to me or visit, which was very upsetting toDH as he thinks the children should have a relationship with her and they cant visit her house as it isn't safe for children (she's a hoarder, and her house is deeply.unhygienic and has unstable piles - there was a bookslide down the stairs at one point that rendered them impassable). She is also unwell and unlikely to recover. So for the sake of my DH being able to spend time with his mum I'm putting up with a certain amount of crap and biting my toungue.

But thank you to those that have provided direct advice for how to tackle the particular issue of politely declining food. I wanted to be able to help DD in future situations to be able to be able to stand her ground, but politely. The toddlers I think are too young to expect that from, but they also won't be upset by granny's response.

We use our own tweaked version of Division of Responsibility.

We've always said we don't have food battles and we don't make second meal options. Dinner is what's on offer for everyone. DC can eat as much or as little as they like. Sometimes that means they have just baked beans, toast and fruit for lunch, other times they're happy to tuck into quite adventurous smorgasbord of strong flavours and condiments. It doesn't matter because there's no power or morality attached to the food.

We politely request that there's always something in the meal that DC will eat. It that means they try what's available, then have one of the vegetables and a side of bread and butter that's fine.

For us we think removing the power and being matter of fact with a range of foods from the start is what helped DC not be fussy or picky eaters.

Cross posted with your update OP.

I genuinely think that there's a responsibility on your MIL to cater appropriately for the people she's invited to dinner.
Having one more plain side, or the availability of bread would reduce the need for children to feel awkward about declining or having to navigate this. If she refuses to make minor adjustments (eg splitting mash potatoes in two so one can be plain and one more strong) then she hadn't got any grounds when a child attempts to politely say it isn't for them.

Based on your update it gets more tricky as you are clearly not going to be able to be as forthright with MIL as you wish and as most of us have been advising.

I would suggest a sit down conversation with DH to talk about your boundaries and upsetting MiL and also about showing your DC what healthy relationships look like. DH is going to have to accept that it cant be all MILs way but that you are prepared to compromise to keep an amount of the peace and that doesnt include xyz (wherever you want to draw the line)

I think the line isnt where it should be at the moment, as you are posting and so are clearly unhappy. Its worth focussing in your chat with DH on …how you and DH interact with each other and MIL are modeling behaviour for your DC and see if he wants his DC to grow up watching their mother being walked all over and think that is normal (as they will then replicate this in their relationships going forward)

Random suggestion! If someone invites you over for dinner you can't go 'sure, but just bake us a cake, yeah?'

😆

I think your mil is setting you and your kids up to fail on purpose

who puts double cream and garlic on sausages? Ffs that’s a heart attack on a plate.

tell her what the kids like and tell her without cream/sauce etc and they’ll eat it.

your mil can’t cook.

I find the division of responsibility thing (and most other theories of this kind of problem) great ideas but very impractical for some families. We’ve often been told we are pandering too much but in reality we have different requirements (one dc with asd sensory issues, one vegetarian, one keen carnivore) and in order to make sure they all get a balanced diet we need to make multiple meals. Batch cooking helps. If I did the one meal or toast thing, one DC would live on toast every single day. I can see it’s a good principle for most families though. We have about 3 meals we will all eat but even those are often rejected by one person.

Having read your update and your willingness to suck up her bad behaviour, perhaps the food issue could be handled by the children eating separately to the adults? The children get to eat more than bread and butter and MIL gets to cook what she wants.

It takes time for kids taste buds to adapt to stronger flavours, I remember how raw celery would make me heave, aged 8 and how I enjoyed it with smooth peanut butter aged 12.

Think your MIL has missunderstood, this is not your kids fault.

I remember how raw celery would make me heave, aged 8 and how I enjoyed it with smooth peanut butter aged 12.

I love both, but have never thought of combining them. Great idea!

Ew MIL is gross. I hate this ‘must clean their plate’ shit. If she doesn’t like some food I guarantee she wouldn’t eat it. Kids should have power over what they eat and crucially how much.

I know you've said you don't want to rock the boat too much with your MIL and your husband is incredibly protective of her, but I think you need to set some boundaries. Parenting is for you to do, not her, and it must be scary and unsettling for your children to have someone so volatile around them who is apparently allowed to discipline them (yelling at them and force-feeding them) in a way which is very different to what you do and to what is appropriate for small children. I think you should ask your husband to have a word with your MIL about leaving policing their eating to you, their parents, and about not yelling at them unless it's a safety issue.

Re your last post. Your MIL sounds abusive and completely un-self-aware. 'Having a sad life' does not mean she gets away with shouting and calling people stupid.

Your h might want her to see the dc, but he should be more concerned about the effect his mum's behaviour is having on you and the effect on your dc's if they see MIL treating you like this.

@Goldbar @piedbeauty apologies if unclear, I don't let her her away with shouting and being unpleasant to the children. She did do that once and I intervened and told her it was completely unacceptable. But then she was terrribly offended (and very rude to me) and DH totally backed me, but then she didn't we us for over a year. She doesn't really have anyone else and DH can't bear her to be alone all the time in her house when she's unwell.

Really I can't solve all issues, so I'm just looking at how best to navigate the food situation.

Funny the responses you are getting.

Usually on MN posters are very proud of their kids who eat anything and enjoy grown up food from an early age and are very derogatory about kids who only eat beige food or chicken nuggets or something. The responses you gave got here are completely opposite which are that kids shouldn't be expected to eat anything vaguely adult in flavour.

But it's a MIL so she's always wrong.

The food your MIL has cooked sounds nice. I don't think it's a given either that children don't enjoy strong flavours. Two of mine always have, one hasn't.

But it's polite to encourage them to eat some of it or try it rather than touching their mouth with it and going yuck.

THisbackwithavengeance
My DC are unfussy and will eat a range of foods. That's irrelevant to this situation for the OP though.

If we invited DC friends round for dinner or child relatives round for dinner, we'd probably choose to serve something for dinner that is a safe bet for children and allow everyone to choose from the serving bowls what they'd eat. It doesn't have to be bland, but I'd probably portion off some plain mash before I did a stronger one if I thought a child might prefer plain, or have a side of bread, let people choose whether they would like to add butter, salt and pepper to the vegetables, have the vegetables in serving dishes rather than me plating up for everyone, put the sauce/gravy on the table, serve the pasta/rice from separate serving bowls, have the condiments available for people to add to their preferences. None of those adjustments would be much hassle but it means everyone can pick from the components what they like.

I'd certainly not try to coerce children to eat what I've decided they must like because I'm a grown up and have no interest in winning a silly power battle.

In this situation the MIL isn't considering the people she's inviting for dinner and seems to be taking pride in stubbornly trying to push kids into eating things.

I think you need to take back control of the cooking. Either that or she cannot expect the children to clear their plates if they don't like it.

This refusing your food and sitting eating chocolate while complaining about her blood sugar smacks of attention seeking at best, or attempted control at worst. If she'd like stronger flavours she can add them to hers after.

Plain doesn't mean boring. Not everyone likes rich or spiced foods, I certainly don't and I've tried!. Well cooked plain food is delicious, it's all about preference. If you and your children prefer plainer food then that's fine, they're still very little. Dont let mil bully you, the clean your plate thing has been shown to be problematic and lead to unhealthy attitudes to food. It's hard but you're going to have to stand your ground when it comes to food for the kids.