Page 5 | Polite table manners if they don't like the food?

TinyTeacher · 2023-03-29T18:47:48+00:00

Looking for some guidance on what constitutes good manners at the table if children don't like the food a guest cooks? Getting an awful lot of grumbling from MIL because my children dont like her cooking. She likes very strong flavours e.g. she asked me if the children liked asparagus and I said yes, but she did it fried with lots of onions (which they don't like). She asked if they like sausages and potato, which is also a yes, but she used a whole garlic and double cream and put extra nature cheese in top. It was very tasty! But the children aren't used to suck strong flavours. My eldest tried a bit of everything but said she didn't like it, so I said that was ok but there wasn't anything else and she'd need to stay at the table while we were eating. The younger two (2yo) I gave some bread and butter to do they wouldn't go hungry as they just weren't touching it at all. MIL thinks they were very rude not to eat it and that I shouldn't have allowed any other good and let them go to bed hungry. I don't agree with that for a 2 year old! But this situation is likely to come up again so I wonder if there is some middle ground? What is considered polite for small children to do if they don't like food?

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mellicauli · 01/04/2023 21:21

I had problems like this. My Mother used to exhaust herself cooking all these outlandish meals. Then she'd be upset that me & the kids didn't really enjoy them. I guess its what her generation did.

I try to limit it to once a year now on Christmas Eve. In between we go over for tea and cake. That seems to work a lot better (for me at least)!

StoppinBy · 01/04/2023 23:03

TinyTeacher · 01/04/2023 15:23

Ok, getting some quite heated replies.... please remember I've posted on Parenting looking for advice, I didn't post in AIBU!

To be totally clear to those who seem to think I was abusive to my eldest - when I didn't give her any bread and butter I was under the misunderstanding that the desert would be for everyone, so I thought it wouldn't matter if she hasn't had much main. She had eaten a lot during the day and I did check if she wanted a yoghurt before bed, which she didn't, so she wasn't starved! I'm certainly not in the habit of sending my children to get hungry, I don't use food/lack of food as a punishment.

To those of you who have pointed out that many children do eat strong flavours: yes, my cooking is often bland. I'm not a great cook and have always viewed food as something you need to feed your body. I probably could do with giving my kids a wider variety of flavours but as long as they're getting protein and a variety of veg I don't tend to worry. I will take on board feedback that I could expose them to more flavours, but equally i don't think it's abuse that my children are mostly served quite plain food.

Several of you have said that the general relationship with MIL is not good and I shouldn't let her push me around. There is obviously history there (as there always is with anything). She has had an extremely unhappy life and DH is very protective of her. I have stood up for my DD when I think it completely necessary (MIL was shouting at her and calling her stupid and clumsy, and I don't allow anyone to insult my children like that). That led to MIL refusing to speak to me or visit, which was very upsetting toDH as he thinks the children should have a relationship with her and they cant visit her house as it isn't safe for children (she's a hoarder, and her house is deeply.unhygienic and has unstable piles - there was a bookslide down the stairs at one point that rendered them impassable). She is also unwell and unlikely to recover. So for the sake of my DH being able to spend time with his mum I'm putting up with a certain amount of crap and biting my toungue.

But thank you to those that have provided direct advice for how to tackle the particular issue of politely declining food. I wanted to be able to help DD in future situations to be able to be able to stand her ground, but politely. The toddlers I think are too young to expect that from, but they also won't be upset by granny's response.

With respect, you daughter doesn't need to stand her ground, she's 6 and it's your job to intervene in this for her.

A whole head of garlic in cream as a sauce is more than anyone I know would eat, you know that your child is being perfectly normal to not eat it so apart from a small offering of food to taste, you need to provide something different.

Keep some cooked veg in the fridge to microwave for their meals, cold meats etc and talk to MIL before she starts cooking, say upu understand she thinks it's pandering but it's how you cook in your family so you're just happy for them to taste the other food but mostly eat their usual food.

Do not make this your children's job to solve.