Polite table manners if they don't like the food?

[TinyTeacher]

Looking for some guidance on what constitutes good manners at the table if children don't like the food a guest cooks?

Getting an awful lot of grumbling from MIL because my children dont like her cooking. She likes very strong flavours e.g. she asked me if the children liked asparagus and I said yes, but she did it fried with lots of onions (which they don't like). She asked if they like sausages and potato, which is also a yes, but she used a whole garlic and double cream and put extra nature cheese in top. It was very tasty! But the children aren't used to suck strong flavours.

My eldest tried a bit of everything but said she didn't like it, so I said that was ok but there wasn't anything else and she'd need to stay at the table while we were eating. The younger two (2yo) I gave some bread and butter to do they wouldn't go hungry as they just weren't touching it at all.

MIL thinks they were very rude not to eat it and that I shouldn't have allowed any other good and let them go to bed hungry. I don't agree with that for a 2 year old! But this situation is likely to come up again so I wonder if there is some middle ground? What is considered polite for small children to do if they don't like food?

@Isheabastard that would not work In afraid. She thinks modern parents spend too much time reading books that encourage too little discipline and that this causes bad behaviour. She definitely attributes the differences between her DS (my DH) and our eldest (who is never a big eater) to me reading books that dug pandering to a child rather than insisting on a clean plate. Mentioning a book/named parenting style would be a bit of a red rag to her and I'd really rather avoid an argument at the table.

So your MIL won’t eat your cooking but expects small children to eat hers????

That sausage dish sounds rank. I might not have eaten it either!

Feel like I may have been a bit mean not giving DD anything extra. I knew she'd had a good lunch so wouldn't be too hungry on a small dinner. I did also think there was going to be dessert as I knew MIL had made a crumble (which DD likes), but it turned out that was just for adults after the children were in bed. DD did have a big breakfast the next morning, i dont think a one-offvery small dinner will do any harm in the long run.

I honestly wouldn't entertain that, it's your house, your children are the priority.
Let her huff in her room, i'd do the same to her with food as she does to your children.
Why should your children be expected to eat food they don't like when she won't eat your food.

@Anoisagusaris her argument is that my cooking is inedible, where asnobody else has ever complained about her cooking and dH always are it as a child. She is a good cook, it's just much heavier and more strongly flavoured than my children as used to. When I do mash, i just do plain mash with a bit of butter/milk. It wouldnt occur to me to do it with roast garlic and mature cheese. I'm a pretty boring cook!

That's terrible that you didn't let your oldest have anything else . Poor kid!
What a message to give her.

What has you husband done about this? It's his mother? If it was me I'd cook the kids their own food and not care what anyone else said or thought. I wouldn't be rude to anyone but I wouldn't bow down to your MIL.
I wouldn't discuss it or try and justify it either.

You are allowing your mil for to much authority in your house and over your children. She wants to cook because she doesn't like your food yet expects the children to eat food they dislike? I'd be pointing this out damn fast. She needs to learn her place, she reared her kids and doesn't get to rear yours. My husband had definite issues with food (all food on plate must be eaten) as a result of his mother, he'd overeat and feel rotten but struggled not to do it, it took quite a while for him to realise it was OK to stop eating even if there is food left on the plate (he's 55 and it still happens occasionally). Let your mil cook if you want but make it clear that you'll be catering for the children from now on, just cook some simple food you know they like and serve it alongside her choices. And never let her influence cause negativity around food for your children.

@FannyFifer the crucial difference is that I know my cooking is boring, so I'm not really offended that she has different tastes. I'm really not someone that puts a lot of thought into it beyond making sure we get a variety of veg over the week because each kid has different favourites. One kid loves sweetcorn, one would rather eat peas than any other food and one steals brocoli of his siblings (and then are happy to cooperate with this!)

Your MIL must surely know that these flavours will be challenging to the vast majority of young children.

As it happens, my DD would probably eat the food you've described but she is very very unusual amongst her peers and when we have her friends over I deliberately cook things much more plain and stick with safe crowdpleasers like spag bol, sausage and mash (with nothing controversial added) or pizza.

Based on what meals you described they do not sound like strong flavours to me - do you only give them plain food? Mine were taught to eat what they could and leave food to one side they didn't like but with mine it was vegetables rather than strong flavours, in fact you were more likely to get them to eat the veg if in curry

Do NOT ‘sneak’ anything! They’re your children, raise them your way. She doesn’t get to decide how to raise them, or to comment on it. Put a stop to this now, and if YOU choose then feed them something they’ll eat earlier if she’s cooking. Or don’t have her cooking if she’s making something unsuitable for them. And I’m saying this as the mother and grandma of absolute hoovers, who would have eaten all that and asked for seconds.
Also, the sausage thing sounds a bizarre waste of lovely ingredients.

@OnaBegonia

Why not, cream garlic and cheese were the things my fussy one did eat ... just don't sneak on anything Green

The hypocrisy of your MIL expecting the children to sit at the table until they’ve eaten food they don’t like whilst she refuses your food and pigs out on chocolate herself! Honestly why are you allowing her to do this? I’d make it very clear that you’ll cook for the children and feed them however you like. She sounds like she has quite disordered eating herself and is passing that on to your children

By not sneaking anything I mean don’t hide that whatever you give them. It’s your choice for your children, and imo if she’s not bothered about feeding them suitably then absolutely show them and her that you are.

Op try roasting garlic before use for a milder flavour. Mine loved spreading roasted garlic on bread at that age, I remember them eating it at Disney world in a French restaurant to the amusement of the guests on the next table (they also shared an adult meal rather than eating children's meals) however no green stuff passed their lips, all kids have their limits

Someone has probably suggested this already, but, can't you give your MIL some recipes that you know the children will eat?

I think your DH needs to have a word. Explain whilst he and you adore her cooking and the kids will in time, they're not into such bold flavours atm. So can she either make a plainer version (how hard to portion out some mash and do with milk) or that week YOU feed the kids and the adults eat later

@gogohmm pretty much! My cooking has always been quite plain, it's how my dad always cooked for us and i always liked it. There's variety in what they have, but admittedly there's a lot of repetition - Sunday is usually a roast unless it's the heat of summer. Fish usually once a week, and that's either quite plain (my eldest likes fish and gnocchi pie) or fish fingers. Other things that her frequently crop up are spag bol, lasagne, cottage pie, pasta with tuna/sweetcorn or with beans, fajitas (but the kids normally choose plain things on theirs) and a mild curry (but the children go large on naan bread and onion bhajji and don't have much of the actual curry), and macaroni cheese. Generally things that are quick to cook or can be made in advance, especially on days that I'm working as I only get home 30-45 mind before dinner and don't want to immediately leap into the kitchen!

So yes, we are often the land of the bland.

I did also think there was going to be dessert as I knew MIL had made a crumble (which DD likes), but it turned out that was just for adults after the children were in bed.

Wtf? That's just mean.

This is very odd, so she tells you your food is inedible and cooks something at your home your children won't eat. I would actually be really offended by her attitude and wrestle back control. Cook what you want as a family and tell her she is free to jaz up her portion. Or you sat you'll save the children's portion and she can add to the rest. I couldn't tolerate this. I thought you meant the odd meal at her home not her cooking at your home. Madness, don't let her walk all over you. Selfish lady.

@Littlecamellia I'm afraid that wouldn't go down well. She would definitely consider that to be pandering to them, and also strongly feels those meals are intolerably bland and tasteless.

Did your DH just sit there and say nothing? He could always cook.

Who cares, make your children a meal they would like. Why are u pandering to this rude woman.
Your meals sound perfect for your family.
Who buys the food? Does she bring it with her?

Is this even a real scenario? I fund it unbelievable you'd put up with this ! Iys not really about the food, she is rude and selfish and doesn't seem to care if your children eat or not .

Though shit, she can ‘feel’ whatever she wants. It’s irrelevant.