Polite table manners if they don't like the food?

[TinyTeacher]

Looking for some guidance on what constitutes good manners at the table if children don't like the food a guest cooks?

Getting an awful lot of grumbling from MIL because my children dont like her cooking. She likes very strong flavours e.g. she asked me if the children liked asparagus and I said yes, but she did it fried with lots of onions (which they don't like). She asked if they like sausages and potato, which is also a yes, but she used a whole garlic and double cream and put extra nature cheese in top. It was very tasty! But the children aren't used to suck strong flavours.

My eldest tried a bit of everything but said she didn't like it, so I said that was ok but there wasn't anything else and she'd need to stay at the table while we were eating. The younger two (2yo) I gave some bread and butter to do they wouldn't go hungry as they just weren't touching it at all.

MIL thinks they were very rude not to eat it and that I shouldn't have allowed any other good and let them go to bed hungry. I don't agree with that for a 2 year old! But this situation is likely to come up again so I wonder if there is some middle ground? What is considered polite for small children to do if they don't like food?

I imagine my cooking would be similar to yours, my kids wouldn't eat the things your MIL cooked either (and personally I wouldn't want to either).

My FIL would say the same as your MIL and I would ignore him and do what's right for my kids.

Your MIL wouldn't let things fly? In your house? Ha, sorry but you need to grow a backbone and tell her to back off.

You offer your kids plain food ( which is fine by the way) but then your MIL shows up and you tell the kids... how sad, too bad, your diet is changing and if you don't like it your having bread and butter or nothing at all fir your 6 year old... because you don't want to upset your MIL who told you your food is inedible?

Not in my house.

I don't think that garlic, mature cheddar or cream are strong tastes but I think that you're allowing MIL to be a tyrant in your own home. Your children may like bland food but this is your home and who is she enforcing her preferences ? If she is lucky enough to be invited to your house then she should be politely eating your dinners not everybody pretending to like hers.

MIL often insists on cooking as my cooking is apparently not up to scratch. When I cook she usually won't eat it and then sits in her room eating chocolate and then complaining her sugars are off (she's diabetic).

Can’t she (and you!) see how ironic this is? That’s really rude - an adult in someone else’s house refusing food because it’s ‘boring’!

I think you need to rehearse some phrases. If the dc refuse her food, just remind her that it’s exactly the same as her not liking your food and refusing to eat it.

“I really enjoyed it MIL, but the flavours are too strong for the dc, so I’m going to do them something else”

”That was lovely, but the dc find garlic/onion/strong cheese etc. etc. too much.”

“Delicious, but I’m afraid the dc are a little young yet, to appreciate such strong flavours”

I think it’s absolutely fine to sit them down to try MIL’s food - it’s good to expose dc to different food and flavours, but don’t tiptoe around sneaking food to your own dc in your own home. If they find her cooking unpalatable, have something quick and easy which they like, and can be microwaved, in the event that they can’t manage much (or any) of her food.

I wouldn’t have eaten your MILs food either, can you not just ask her to keep it simple for the children? There’s nothing wrong with plain mash and sausages, no need for all the extra stuff!
I would have also assumed it would just be bog standard bangers and mash with some asparagus on the side

Why the fuck is MIL allowed to dictate the menu and parenting regime in YOUR house?

She may not like the way you do thing, but you're an adult and it's your home.

I think you're being a bit of a doormat.

You don’t like what you don’t like. I don’t know why there is this expectation that kids should just eat whatever is in front of them - as adults we would never do this. I don’t like liver. I would never go and buy and cook liver and then force myself to eat all of it. We all know how horrible it is chewing a piece of food and trying to get it down when you just do not like it.

For me appropriate manners would just be ‘no thank you’ or ‘I don’t like it/I’m finished.’ There’s nothing wrong with saying you don’t like something. And (as a host) I always ask people I’m inviting if the meal I’m cooking will suit.

I also wouldn’t be sending my kids to bed without dinner to appease someone else. Usually if my kids don’t eat they might have a bowl of weetabix or a sandwich or something like that before bed.

OnaBegonia · Yesterday 13:55
Garlic, cream and cheese with sausage and mash?? doubt many 2 yr olds would eat that”

Our grandson loves strong flavours. He’s been weaned on pretty much what mum and dad eat, minus the salt, and rarely refuses anything (though his face when he drank coconut milk from the shell was a picture! I tried some afterwards and it was bloody awful 😁)

That said, your MIL is being completely unreasonable. Everyone is different and no-one should force children to eat what they don’t like. I certainly wouldn’t send them to bed hungry.

This. How twisted do you have to be to feed some of your children, but leave one hungry because they’re a bit older. They’re 6 ffs! I’ve got a 6yo and he’d have been fucking starving watching the adult tuck into their tea and his siblings tucking into toast, no matter how big his lunch was!

Your MIL's taste in food isn't the only correct one. Your preference for bland food is just as correct. It's a preference.

Your dc should be given a small amount of MIL's food. If they try a bit without drama, then politely say, no more thank you, I think you should immediately praise them for trying. 'Well done for trying a new food! Would you like a fried egg instead?" That's fine.

If it is a food they have previously tried and disliked, then 'No, thank you' is a polite response. A sandwich or toast or whatever should be offered.

It's not rude to dislike someone's cooking, or an ingredient they have used. It IS rude to insult their cooking or complain (as your MIL has dine to you).

Chill. It's one meal, not child abuse. No one would have been 'fucking starving'. Just a bit hungry, at worst.

I guess we have different standards when it comes to raising children. I think it’s unacceptable to leave a small child with no food until the next day because they had a ‘big lunch’ and couldn’t stomach their nans cooking. Especially when the other children who also couldn’t stomach it were actually given something else to eat, albeit bread and butter.

My 11-month old son eats food with all these things. The only things we withhold are added salt, added sugar, and honey. Drinks are only milk (currently breastmilk, cows milk in future) and water.

He loves broccoli, sweet potatoes with rosemary, curried courgette, roasted peppers, spinach, bone marrow on toast, shrimp, chicken, lamb, duck, venison, beef, eggs, all kinds of potatoes, leeks, pasta, garlic in everything, cooked onions as garnish, tomatoes, asparagus, hard cheese, cottage cheese, marscapone, cream-based sauces, fruits including blueberries, strawberries, papaya, limes, grapes, watermelon, plums, etc.

So far his only dislikes are cooked apple and yogurt.

My point in all this is that most kids will learn to eat what they're exposed to early and often.

People should not be forced to eat. I absolutely think MIL is in the wrong here, but I also think OP and her children would benefit from working toward a wider palate.

A simple "no, thank you" is perfectly polite.

As I read further, MIL sounds like she's quite rude about food too! ☹️

You should be in charge of your dc's food here - it's none of MIL's business what they eat, and she sounds insufferably rude and tactless about your cooking!

And if you're walking on eggshells around here and afraid to make suggestions to her, then it sounds like an unhealthy relationship. I would not have someone who treated me like that staying in my home for a week, let's put it like that.

I'd tell her that she's brought up here Dc, things have changed, and you and dh are responsible for bringing up your dc how you see fit. <hard stare>

Agree that she is being hypocritical and breath-takingly rude

I don't have kids, but from what I've heard it's very common to have an 11mo with a wide-ranging and varied diet (and a correspondingly proud parent), who only later develops a set of very strong opinions about what they will and won't eat.

OP pull yourself together and stand up for your children FFS. It's outrageous how you're letting this woman dictate your children's diet.

Do come back to the thread when your child is 3 and in an “I’ll only eat plain pasta” phase

Wow. Quite a lot to unpack

First MIL is very rude insisting on cooking in your house and she has had the unmitigated gall to tell you your cooking isnt acceptable to her. I think that needs nipping in the bud right now.

“MIL, Ive decided that I prefer cooking myself, so thank you for offering, but going forward I will cook dinner every night. If you would prefer your food more spiced or strongly flavoured, why dont we buy a couple of hot sauces, chutneys and such that you can use to amp up your portion.” You can even roast a couple of garlic heads and keep them in the fridge, she can then stir a clove or two through her food once its on her plate. Then cook the food that your family like.

For the dc, when they are at MILs house and she is cooking, allow DD to serve herself, so she can take small portions to taste and then come back for seconds of the foods she likes. I would also start serving a slice of bread and butter with every meal that they can eat once they have tried what is on their plate, just tell MIL its your policy and show up with a loaf and some butte when you visit.

It sounds like MIL still thinks she is in charge of DH and therefore of you and your DC, its time to stand up for yourself and your family’s independence. You are entitled to have your own ways of doing things and have that respected by MIL just as much as any other guest/person

Just tell her quite bluntly that the flavours are too strong for the children and they will eat your cooking, even if she won't. She can cook for herself.

Or get your DH cooking instead...

@ShirleyPhallus and @JarByTheDoor , I'm sure you're right, but they can continue trying foods.

You don't regularly see kids in India refusing curry, kids in the Caribbean refusing spices, kids in Korea refusing kimchi, kids in France refusing all the deliciousness they have there.

Why is this so much worse in the UK & US? Could it be the "kids menu" mentality? I don't know at all, and I don't have the answers, but clearly there are things we could be doing better as a food culture.

Your MIL has a nerve. I really wouldn't worry about offending her, since she doesn't worry about offending you.

I would tell her that no one in your house has to eat food they don't like and, although you encourage your children to try new things, you're not going to change that for her. And if she doesn't like it, that's just tough because you're the parent, not her.

This isn't about what anyone else's children eat . It is about how this grandmother is operating and her rudeness.