2 year age gap - be completely honest!

[Luna20]

My DS is 18 months old and I've just found out I'm pregnant. It'll be a 2.2 age gap. Totally unplanned and a complete shock. We weren't sure if we wanted any more at all. I don't know how I will cope! I took the MAP after we did the deed which clearly didn't go to plan and now I'm not sure what I want to do.

Bit of background -
DS was a bit of a tricky baby. He had silent reflux and basically screamed 24/7 and only ever slept in 20 min bursts for the first 4 months until we got him on medication. He was EBF too so I really struggled with the lack of sleep. Things got easier at 6 months and again at 9 but he was still just a generally unhappy baby. Very gripey and upset a lot, seemed restless all the time. I'd say his whole first year was hard but there were some particular dark points where I we were adamant we would never do it again. Especially as I had an EMCS that took me months to recover from due to blood loss and other issues.
Anyway after his first birthday we said maybe we'd think about a second baby, as we were all a lot happier. Sleep has improved although he is still up at least once a night, often twice. I would say I still find some days quite hard, he can be super clingy and whingy at times and I find some days just hard to drag myself through. I have to take him out to the park, playgroups or whatever else both in the morning before nap and then again in the afternoon otherwise he has way too much energy and his behaviour gets a bit naughty. This makes me sound like I hate being a mum, I don't. Overall he is a joy and makes me laugh every single day. He is so smiley and friendly and I'm really proud of him and love teaching him things. Honestly my world revolves around him and I love it most of the time and then there are times I am on the edge and need a break. I'm sure all mothers feel the same!

Anyway!! My point is, I found the first year extremely difficult and even now I still have days where I just feel like I can't cope and need a bit of a break. Today for example I was trying to cook dinner and DS was clawing at my legs, pulling my clothes and then I snapped at him when I found him playing in the dog water bowl. I felt so guilty after as that wasn't about him, it was about me. How on earth would I cope trying to do that with a newborn in tow as well?? We have no family that can help so I have to be realistic about what my mental health can handle.

I need brutal honesty from people that have had the same age gap. And I do mean brutal, warts and all. I know all situations and babies are different but what did you find hard about this age gap? I know people manage it but I need to know all the details, the day to day hardships, so I can make a somewhat slightly better informed decision of if I can actually cope with this or not.

Oh, I should add I'm a SAHM. DS doesn't go to nursery and probably won't until he's 3.

The hardest bit was the stage you're at now, with an older one - the younger one can't keep up, gets frustrated and you're constantly trying to stop the bigger one vanishing.

I mean we watched a LOT of TV that first year. But Cbeebies is educational right?? DD1 also had 2 days a week at nursery.

The newborn having reflux is the random element. No reflux and they're fairly portable and you'll be more confident. But the only people I know with reflux 2nd babies kept their eldest in childcare 2-3 days a week.

I had the same with my tricky, refluxy eldest. Second baby with a 2.3 age gap was a much easier baby.

I had a similar first baby - colic, reflux, very hyper as an 18 month old as well so I was nervous about our 2.2 gap. Second baby also had reflux but slotted right in. It was a learning curve, but my 2 year old was just desperate to help with everything and now they're 5 and 3 and just adore each other. They play so nicely together, I'm so pleased we have this age gap so they have similar interests

22months between my first and second…can honestly say that having the 2nd was a game changer ! Toddler was entertained and occupied by the baby and it was actually absolutely fine …just relax .

I don't know anything other than an under 2 year gap so have no measure for how different it is to any other gap but tbh your situation is nothing like mine was so I dont think expectations based solely on age gap are going to of any help to you

I know that's not helpful but I guess im saying don't fixate only on the age gap thats too simplistic a measure to make such an important decision

Good luck with whatever you decide

2.4 age gap - it was absolutely fine.

Lots of stories for DC1 whilst feeding DC2 so they didn't feel left out.

You may find a sling useful if DC2 likes to be held all the time and don't feel guilty about having tv on for the eldest when needed. We often went to the local park whilst the baby was happy in the pram and it kept DC entertained.

Going from 1 to 2 was much easier than 0 to 1. Depending on birthdays, education system and school year doing A levels and GCSEs is a bit grim.

The second was easier than the first. Not an easier baby, but I think everything just comes more naturally the second time. You stress a lot less about the small stuff, that's for sure!

It all depends on how your baby is.

My 3rd was the undiagnosed silent reflux baby. Horrific.

The other 3 regardless of age gap were fine.

I had 2 years bang on.

I'll be honest I don't remember my eldest between the ages of 2 and 2 and a half.

It was hard work. I'd strongly suggest you look at some nursery for the oldest now. 2 days a week at nursery really helped me.

My youngest was a much easier baby. She fed well, slept well, generally very happy. It was still hard juggling them both.

On the plus side. They are now 6 and 4. So much easier to manage and we are totally clear of the baby stage. Life is a lot better now.

So, so hard for the first couple of years, really hard and so much guilt felt that i never had enough attention for both. But now they are bigger i can see it really was worth it, they play together well (usually) and like similar things and keep each other occupied. Giving your older child a sibling really is the greatest gift, even if it takes you and them a few years to realise it. I wish I had understood this sooner but was too tired and focused on getting through each day!

2 years (almost to the day) between mine.
DS1 was a nightmare. Screamy, none sleepy, velcro baby. We decided to go for no2 as work and a 1 year old none sleeper was horriffic!
DS2 was a dream. And as a bonus, DH attempted to do every single night wake with the toddler while I did newborn nightfeeds. I got more sleep than I had done in the previous 2 years as the newborn (with several night wakes) slept better than his brother.
Yes it was hard work. Yes it could be monotonous, but they were also interested in similar things - so places that were good for one usually entertained the other.
They are now both at secondary, and things are great. Highly recommend a tough few years if permanent toddlerhood for the long term delights and ease.
Congratulations!

Mine have a 2 year 3 month gap. 7 and 5 now.

Do you have much support? DH? friends? I think that’s a game changer. We had no family in the same country, but DH was v supportive (although worked full time) and I had a great group of sahm friends, which really saved my sanity.

It was definitely hard. DC2 was a pretty chill baby, although she didn’t sleep great, but DC1 was just so energetic (still is!) and also had some health issues, so dealing with him was the hardest part. He was a runner, so taking him anywhere was challenging, but I learnt my tricks. Double buggy so he could always be strapped in, or him in buggy and baby in carrier, or get him out of car after baby in carseat so I never let go of his hand. No way could he be trusted to walk beside the pram near a road or anything. Meeting friends with similar age kids was so helpful as at least you have adult company and someone can watch your baby while you sprint off to rescue toddler. Or keep an eye on toddler while you change baby.

Much tv was watched. Our usual routine was to try to get out somewhere in the morning, do lunch and hopefully nap/quiet time and then basically count down the hours til DH got home from work. We did end up going for 2 mornings of nursery a week for DS to save my sanity, but fortunately we could afford it.

I think it was a big change for DH. He did a lot of looking after toddler DS, especially the first few months. With one child and 2 parents you do get a break. With 2 small children there is basically zero break for anyone until it settles down. DH did pretty much all DS bedtimes, night wakes (fortunately not a lot) and then early mornings with him for probably at least the first 6 months. As well as a lot of cooking, cleaning, baby care etc. We were definitely a team.

I disagree, one was a doddle two exhausting (2nd one didn't sleep!!).

That said the 2 year gap is great as they get older as mine had similar interests!

Also that sounds really negative. Overall I’m very happy with the age gap we have. They play well together now at 7 and 5 and life is pretty good.

We had good days and bad days, but the first 6 months are a blur of sleep deprivation. After that it got much easier as they do interact with each other

Going from 1 to 2 is so much easier. I think the best thing to remember is that this is going to be a different baby. You're highly unlikely to have another baby who finds it so hard to settle. It is much easier with more than one once they get to age 4/5 and can play with each other without you!

I've 3 dc, 2 years between each. Currently they are 5, 3 and 1. Dc1 was a hard baby- didn't sleep well and very clingy. Dc2 was a BREEZE - incredibly easygoing, no trouble at all. Dc3 is super clingy but sleeps ok so it's manageable! I think it's honestly been fine. I guess the worst thing is that the house is constantly in a pickle because the 1yo and 3yo get into everything all the time, but honestly I don't mind a bit of chaos! I honestly think 2 years was a good gap for us each time and I don't regret it.

Both mine had reflux but with the second I knew straight away and he had omeprazole from a week old. No months of dealing with a baby in pain and everything that goes along with that. I did have a 3yr gap so I can't speak to the other challenges of a smaller one but reflux is easily managed now you know what you're doing.

Good luck xxx

OP it’s fucking hard!!!! But you had a tough baby as your first which I feel has set you up to be prepared. My first was an angel! And my second sounds like your first so I really really struggled this time round.
but you know it will get easier the first year is always tough so I guess you just need to keep reminding yourself of that. Loads of people I know have had really easy second babies and you might have too!

14 months between mine. I was exactly like you are. 1st baby so unsettled really worried how I'd cope having 2 under 15 months but 2nd baby was a really easy baby. I coped they are now 4 and 5 and get on so well. Life is busy but very manageable

We have 2y 4mo gap and baby is now 4 months old. It is so so hard.
I haven't been able to look after them both for more than about an hr so far 😩 I'm literally waiting for the baby to grow up, I feel so bad wishing time away and feel like I'm missing out on enjoying my 2yo.

Baby has been hard work (not as tough as your first year) but had reflux, colic crying for hours, feeding latch issues, only naps on me, will now only feed in a dark room etc etc. My toddler is so full of energy, he's a maniac and starting the terrible twos, answering back, difficult to get out of the house.

The 2yo goes to nursery 3 days per week and I have a mother's help come in form 8.30am - 5pm on the days he is home. She does the toddler, I do the baby. As the baby is getting older and is awake longer, the mother's help is taking her a bit so I can spend time with my toddler.

You need a REALLY supportive partner who is capable of looking after the toddler (or baby?) pretty full time. My husband gets toddler up, dressed, breakfast then takes over again at 5pm to do dinner, bath bed.

I feel like once the baby is self settling and down to 2 naps, life will be easier. Right now, I spend 4 or 5 hrs a day in a dark bedroom. I know a lot of people fi d babies sleep in a carrier/sling. Mine does if I'm walking outside, but not round the house.

If I could turn back the clock I'd probably try and bottle feed. I BF and have tried a bottle every day, she won't take it so I can't leave her for long.

@luna20 my 2 are 23 months apart. My first DS was also a tricky baby. It was exhausting. He has reflux, wouldn't sleep unless held as he was in so much pain. Projectiled feeds up, blew out of every nappy. Once he was on special baby milk after being put as failing to thrive it settled down but the 1st year was really hard, not gonna lie.
When my DD was born my son was 3 weeks off turning 2. He at first didn't like his baby sister and ignored her and didn't want me holding her. Once she was 2 weeks old he suddenly realised she was here to stay and became really intrigued by her. He would rub her head, kiss her and always wanted to be near her.
We did get him a baby doll when I was about 6 months pregnant to help him start to understand about his little sister coming.

She was a completely different baby. I got on top of her reflux and milk allergy from the 1st week in. I pushed hard and didn't take no for answer and it was night and day difference. She slept really well. When she slept I always laid her in her snuzpod in the lounge so I could then have time with my little boy. She slept well at night from 2 months in. I was like is this really happening? She's the most easy going baby ever. Yes it was hard at points giving both kids my time but even just having cuddles on the settee watching a show together with them both etc. Really little things but it's all they wanted.
She is 12 months now and he just turned 3. The bond they have is priceless and so precious to watch. They play together, chase each other round the house. They argue like all siblings but I wouldn't change it for the world! They both love playing with the same type things so softplay and playgroups is really good.
I'm so glad I had them close together in age.

My biggest advice is to use your mums instinct on everything 2nd time round and push harder to get help and answers. It's paid off big time. As a FTM I didn't know much and didn't realise how hard I needed to advocate for my son.

I'm a SAHM too.

I’m 25 weeks pregnant with a 17 month old. Ds will be 20 month when baby arrives.

This past week I’ve found im really heavy and tired . I work 4 days and just want to give up but have another 8 weeks to go .

Ds was very chilled baby but the last few months I’ve been exhausted with a toddler ! Ds hasn’t slept for 2 nights and I’m exhausted. Terrified of how I’ll cope ! When ds was up to age of 11 months he was a dream so I was so broody . Now I’m terrified I’ve been foolish to get pregnant so soon. Im scared I’ll have an exhausting toddler and a newborn who will be really difficult !

Ahhhh