2 year age gap - be completely honest!

[Luna20]

My DS is 18 months old and I've just found out I'm pregnant. It'll be a 2.2 age gap. Totally unplanned and a complete shock. We weren't sure if we wanted any more at all. I don't know how I will cope! I took the MAP after we did the deed which clearly didn't go to plan and now I'm not sure what I want to do.

Bit of background -
DS was a bit of a tricky baby. He had silent reflux and basically screamed 24/7 and only ever slept in 20 min bursts for the first 4 months until we got him on medication. He was EBF too so I really struggled with the lack of sleep. Things got easier at 6 months and again at 9 but he was still just a generally unhappy baby. Very gripey and upset a lot, seemed restless all the time. I'd say his whole first year was hard but there were some particular dark points where I we were adamant we would never do it again. Especially as I had an EMCS that took me months to recover from due to blood loss and other issues.
Anyway after his first birthday we said maybe we'd think about a second baby, as we were all a lot happier. Sleep has improved although he is still up at least once a night, often twice. I would say I still find some days quite hard, he can be super clingy and whingy at times and I find some days just hard to drag myself through. I have to take him out to the park, playgroups or whatever else both in the morning before nap and then again in the afternoon otherwise he has way too much energy and his behaviour gets a bit naughty. This makes me sound like I hate being a mum, I don't. Overall he is a joy and makes me laugh every single day. He is so smiley and friendly and I'm really proud of him and love teaching him things. Honestly my world revolves around him and I love it most of the time and then there are times I am on the edge and need a break. I'm sure all mothers feel the same!

Anyway!! My point is, I found the first year extremely difficult and even now I still have days where I just feel like I can't cope and need a bit of a break. Today for example I was trying to cook dinner and DS was clawing at my legs, pulling my clothes and then I snapped at him when I found him playing in the dog water bowl. I felt so guilty after as that wasn't about him, it was about me. How on earth would I cope trying to do that with a newborn in tow as well?? We have no family that can help so I have to be realistic about what my mental health can handle.

I need brutal honesty from people that have had the same age gap. And I do mean brutal, warts and all. I know all situations and babies are different but what did you find hard about this age gap? I know people manage it but I need to know all the details, the day to day hardships, so I can make a somewhat slightly better informed decision of if I can actually cope with this or not.

20 months between mines.
i think it’s harder at the beginning and then much easier once the youngest hit 18 months because they have similar ish interest and abilities.

Before that, a routine was a god send as well as a nap in the afternoon. Do NOT give up the nap with older one. It will give you 1~1.5 hour if break in the day FOR YOURSELF.

2.4 age gap with mine. We decided we wanted a relatively short gap as I hadn’t coped well with the baby stage the first time and in the hopes that they would be close and able to entertain each other growing up. The second is only 7 weeks now so I can’t give you a long perspective but…

So far it is so, so, SO much easier than the newborn phase with my first. Like you I found the first year of motherhood really difficult (post natal depression and anxiety - swore I wouldn’t do it again and the whole idea had been a mistake) but this time around the anxiety is so much less. Yes, I have zero time to myself and, yes, a good night’s sleep is a dim and distant memory but I’m not panicking over getting everything perfectly right like I did with my first and if we have a bad day I now know it’s just a phase that will pass quickly. Physically it’s harder than the first time around as you have to run round after a toddler as well but mentally/emotionally it’s so much easier.

The one thing I am finding harder is worrying about not giving either child enough attention. I found pregnancy much harder the second time and was ill for seven months so my eldest watched a lot of tv and didn’t get the best mother and now has to share. That said, she is already devoted to the baby, wants to include him in things, talk to him and hold him and has immediately just accepted him as one of the family. The only thing she doesn’t like is that his crying is “too noisy!” Which she tries to fix by repeatedly shouting “you are okay!” at him.

I should say though that my oldest is in nursery part time so I do get a break where it’s just me and the newborn (so not really a break but at least quieter!) If budget will stretch that far I would strongly suggest some nursery time for the oldest, even if it’s not much, as (a) it gives you some time to bond with the new baby and (b) it ensures that the toddler has some good play and stimulation even if you are too tired to provide it all the time.

I found being heavily pregnant with a toddler the hardest bit. That was tough, and then the baby arrived and it felt like a relief.

100% this! Routine was everything and still is now as well as naps!

Mine are 2 yrs and 1 week apart, now older not at 9 and 7. Honestly the first few years were bloody hard work and I survived by going to bed with the kids most nights so had no time for any life and for partner. But, I would do it again in a heartbeat. They are so close and great company for each other as they are into similar things. Family trips out are enjoyable as they like bowling, cinema, adventure playgrounds etc. Any bigger age gap and we wouldn't be doing everything together as a family AND enjoying it. My second biggest survival tip is to find baby and toddler groups, we would go to a different one nearly every day and it really helped to be kept busy even if it was a walk in the park. Once the 2 year old got the hang of a scooter or balance bike then he loved whizzing around while I BF the baby for what felt like forever. Another tip, a super comfy and easy to use baby sling. Hands free to play with the toddler. When it got too busy for me I sent the toddler to nursery a few mornings a week. He hated it at first but then was ok with it. Also enlisting the help of any family and friends. I remember thinking constantly I need more hands! Good luck OP. My view is short term difficulty but longer term rewards. I see families with a bigger age group doing different things separately at the weekends whereas we do nearly everything together and prefer it this way. Also it means you're out of the baby stage quicker. Holidays and dinner out etc all come back to you quicker. And I never thought I say this but I look back fondly at that time with them very little. In hindsight getting lots of sleep did wonders for me being to enjoy them. But go with the flow and with what works as each baby is so different.

2.5 age gap. We outsourced a lot of the pre school years to nursery as had no help, and twenty years on would go for a similar same age gap again. Perfect.

My first baby was the same as yours. Sane gap as you. Baby #2 so much easier. Less issues..they have a greta bond together play pretty nicely. We got a double buggy and called it the brother buggy!

It good fun and a good gap.
Hard too though sometime but I think with second babies we are more relaxed anyway

That's a standard age gap. Me and my mum friends all coped fine.

2y5m gap with mine.

DS1 was colicky and didn't sleep longer than 45 minutes at a time. Just hated being a baby.

The transition has been fairly easy because DS2 is a bloody easy baby. DS1 did regress hardcore on toilet training though.

Thanks everyone! Really appreciate you all taking the time to reply to me, given me lots of food for thought and you've all made me feel like I can maybe get through it. Definitely going to see if we can afford to put DS in nursery for a few mornings a week. I'm so conflicted because I feel so happy with our little unit of 3 and didn't really want anything to change so now I feel super freaked out at the idea rocking the boat if that makes sense.

Yeah it's hard!
But we have no family in the country and we don't have a TV. So we probably make it harder for ourselves
Having said that, I wouldn't actually change it, despite the age gap. It's so, so sweet and just brilliant!

Honestly.. I've got a 2.5 year gap wouldn't change it for the world or my children but my god it is hard!! Oldest is at playgroup 5 mornings. I'm a stay at home mum, neither of mine sleep and havent since day one and they've both had allergies and reflux. Didnt think I could get one worst than my first but I did. Its hard but worth it. Also put a massive strain on my marraige, we have no family support and husband works away which my mental health suffers for but I keep saying it won't last forever.. there little bond is amazing though until they start battering each other haha. Saying all that the good outweighs the bad x

I have a 17month old and 3 yr old. I will say this, it all depends on the children you get. If you have two easy going smooth sailing kids then generally it’s easier. However, if you have whiney, extremely energetic and stubborn kids then it’s a very different picture.

The things I struggle with is trying to get the 3 yr old to keep busy but quiet while younger child naps.

Sometimes just trying to get out the door seems like a military operation.

Clash in routines, for example when 3 yr old wakes they like to wake everyone else up too which leads to a cranky 17month old who wasn’t ready to start the day.

My mental health/physical health - I feel like I never really recovered before becoming pregnant again.

The newborn stage was hard, I had to constantly check and make sure my then 2 yr old wasn’t upto mischief with the baby whenever I left the room. Again, depends on the child, some can be left to it and others need constant monitoring!

One thing to note is your first child may feel a bit out of place or left out when baby arrives. I wish I’d done more to make them feel special rather than shift all my focus and energy on the baby. So make a fuss of them too!

Slightly bigger age gap at 2.9 but very similar circs otherwise.

Thankfully 2nd baby is a breeze & very chilled & a good sleeper so it hasn't been as bad as i feared it might be.

Things we have in place to survive

• eldest goes to nursery 3 days a week
• formula fed the baby (started EBF for 6 weeks then combi until 3 months then moved to formula) I'm torn about this one as DH isn't actually very helpful anyway but he could be if he wanted to be

-co-slept from day 1 -DS2 went in a sling, from birth, he had no choice but to like it

• I take DS1 out a lot for entertainment
• our house is a mess but whatever.