Are fussy children the product of a change in parenting style?

[Raz1564]

I shouldn't be casting any judgement on parents who have kids who eat just 5 types of food ... But I am and maybe I need convincing otherwise.

Growing up, we ate the same thing for lunch and dinner. Nobody could be fussy, we didn't have a choice. We either ate what we were given or didn't eat. Some of my siblings were "fussy", but the most that was tolerated from my mum was them moving some green foods to the side.

Fast forward to present day and I have fully gone old school with my approach to feeding my kids. They either eat what I give them or they don't. They now eat really well and the fussiest one eats better than every kid I know.

I decided to take this approach after seeing how much my older sister struggled with her DS. I love cooking and really wanted my children to enjoy wholesome meals.

So ... What do mum's think? Is this approach too strict for you or does it also work for you?

I think every child is different. I let my son pick and choose what he ate when he started weaning, and he now (3yo) eats absolutely anything put in front of him as long as it's not spicy. That's pretty much always been the case. His cousin of the same age, whose parents did the exact same thing, lives on a diet of maybe 4 types of food. It's not really fair to judge parents based on what their children eat

It’s not always obvious some children are autistic though. And sometimes their poor parents, pre-diagnosis (which isn’t easy to come by) will be beating themselves up for cocking this up on top of everything else…

I was a fussy eater as a child and now my toddler daughter is too. I’m never not going to cater to her likes at all as I would have hated that as a child. She does best when offered foods she likes and then she might try something else as well. I’ve had success recently by kind of letting go of the angst around it and trying more recipes that are what she actually wants to eat rather than what I’d like her to eat.

Also - I think a lot of people assume fussy eaters only eat unhealthy foods. It’s not true. I wouldn’t eat most desserts or sweets or fizzy drinks as a child - they just never appealed to me.

I think a lot of people see fussy eating in a way that isn’t very helpful. Like, my DD is a great sleeper, a great talker, but she was late to walk and is picky about food. We all have things we find easy and other things that take time to develop.

I have 3 kids. 2 eat very well and 1 is unbelievably fussy.

They have all grown up eating the same, in fact my fussy one ate the best as a baby/toddler and would eat EVERYTHING then she hit about 4yo and just stopped dead. Things she would eat last week she wouldn't eat now.

I haven't changed, you eat what you are given. I'll make small adjustments. For example, chips make her gag, so if I'm making those I'll do her a handful of plain pasta instead.

But seriously, I didn't change anything. One day she just woke up fussy. She's 10 now and I hope when she's older she will start eating better. For now, I'm just trying to get through it and not have her waste away as she will rather starve for days than eat a meal she hates. And she is too thin for me to risk that.

Completely agree with you. Children are allowed to have their own likes and dislikes, why on earth would you make something you know they don’t like then try to force them to eat it? You would never do that to an adult!

I was fed processed rubbish for 90% of my childhood and then my mum would get upset when I wouldn't eat vegetables or try new things 😂

It took a long time for me to broaden my horizons with food as I got into my teens/ adult years.

I think if you give them what you know is a good, nutritious and varied diet then you have a fighting chance of them eating well.

I have never forced food on to my DD or let her go hungry if she didn’t eat what was given. I have always asked her to try what’s on the plate but that’s it.

It depends on the child, but I feel the more pressure that was put on her to eat, the more she resisted. It’s quite a grim thought being made to eat something you are repulsed by. Children do go through a fussy phase and it’s developmentally normal for this to happen.

We just ensured we all sat together at meal times and me and her Dad spoke positively about how much we were enjoying our food and she grew out of that phase very quickly without forceful pressure or having to go to bed hungry. I always thanked her for trying her food and told her I was proud of her for doing so.

For now, I'm just trying to get through it and not have her waste away as she will rather starve for days than eat a meal she hates. And she is too thin for me to risk that.

Personally I would leave her to 'starve' for a few days if she decided not to eat wholesome meals I gave her that she previously had no problem with.

(Obviously this is presuming no special needs etc.)

I think this worry that 'they won't eat' is central to so many food issues with kids/ parents. They will eat when they need to eat.

Kids are often skinny, it doesn't mean there's a problem. If it gets to the point where she's in bed and so weak she can't get up because she refuses to eat, then there's a problem - but I highly doubt that she would get anywhere near that point before she would eat.

Kids have very efficient metabolisms and she is probably just fine going a little while without food if that's what she wants to do.

If your siblings were fussy, even with the different approach, then that's evidence that fussiness itself isn't a result of that approach.

‘Presuming no special needs etc’ - that’s not always clear cut though…

Why? Seriously, what would be the point of doing this?

Kids are often skinny, it doesn't mean there's a problem. If it gets to the point where she's in bed and so weak she can't get up because she refuses to eat, then there's a problem - but I highly doubt that she would get anywhere near that point before she would eat.

DS has got to that point at times in the past. He has ARFID though.

What do you mean, what would be the point?

To ensure children have a varied and healthy diet and don't demand chicken nuggets and chips for every meal.

I would not cook a child something different unless there was a genuine reason they could not eat what I had made.

'I liked it yesterday but I don't like it today' is not a reason.

I did say this approach was for children without special needs.

Appart from serious cases of SEN, I think you are right indeed.
It is the choice that spoils it I think.
When the parents had no other food to provide, that was it, either eat it or be hungry, but for real. And then you just get used to the taste/ texture even if you did not love it at first.
Now, we are too soft and there is always an alternative.
Tough love is the best parenting, I think.
You have done right to be tough about food and do not give in.
Same for many other parenting choices. I am too soft with mine!

I started with that approach, but the problem is you tend to start adapting when they dislike certain foods because you don't want to waste food. We ended up with quite a limited list of meals that the whole family liked when the dc were school age.

Thankfully they both grew out of it and now eat pretty much everything (except offal 😂)

There’s a big difference between ‘ clear your plate’ and ‘this is dinner for everyone and there is no alternative‘. One is abusive and the other is not. Although in our house the alternative was a cheese sandwich. It was only ever taken up a couple of times.

The parents who are going to cause bigger long term issues with food are the ones who take pleasure out of eating and turn it into a battle of wills. Forcing someone to eat something they don’t like or go hungry isn’t promoting healthy attitudes.

you only have to look at the people on this thread who by their own admission where fussy as a child but now as adults have of their own accord expanded their palette when their is no pressure.

DS is a very extreme case to the point where he is now primarily tube fed but now he has the tube and no pressure to eat he is actually eating more than he has in years.

Entirely unreasonable. We know more about sensory issues and ARFID these days which are legit conditions

Meal times were a battle with my youngest every day until we started to recognise the sensory aspect and adapted - eg peas or other food that might make the plate damp are put in a side bowl so they don’t make nuggets soggy, chilli is blended as the bean texture makes her gag. Over the years her palette has extended and continues to at 12. Mealtimes are now pleasurable because we listened to her.

We could have forced food into her but at what cost? As an adult we have choices. Why shouldn’t kids?

A bit of both really. When I was a child it wasn't just that you would go to bed hungry you'd get a smacked bottom if you didn't comply with your parents which was humiliating but very effective. I do not smack my children so getting them to be more adventurous has been a much harder and slower journey than the old fashioned 'eat what your given or else' style. I'm not sure I liked the foods I was eating at the time.

I agree the pp who said that fussy kids to expand there repertoire as they enter puberty and get hungrier. My ds is starting to eat the kidney beans in a chilli for example but dd won't even be in the same room with something as smelly as chilli.

I’ve never forced my 2 to eat what we have. I will make an alternative if needed, still let them have dessert. Neither are particularly fussy which I put down to peer pressure at nursery then school dinners.
I’ve just seen too much disordered eating at work and it’s probably the thing that worries me most about parenting teenage girls as it’s so difficult to treat. I accept my view is probably a bit skewed because of my job though

I can tell you all that the health visitors lied when they said 'Keep offering new foods, sometimes it can take up to 10 times for them to eat it' 13 years in and still offering some things up to be left.

I was born in the 80's in an EE country. So communism,rationing and not a lot of choice. There was plenty of neglect and even abuse and no "pandering ". I was still fussy as fuck , I would go hungry and I learned very young to make myself some basic meals that I liked/could eat. I had my first mcdonalds at 14 so it wasn't because of "junk food". In fact , I'm fussy about most junk food as well as it tastes vile or the texture is all wrong.

I think if the food is well cooked it is reasonable to provide no alternative and that's what I do. My kids eat well.
However, some kids are really stubborn or have very strong aversions, my kids stubbornness is not so strong that they dig their heels in over mild food aversions. So my policy of 'you have to at least taste it before you reject it', and 'you're expected to cope if you're not keen but can reject it if you hate it', is enough to get us there.

My parents raised my sister and I in a similar way, but the horrid 70's cooking and my sister's stubborn streak a mile wide meant I buckled and are a lot of ghastly food and she was thin, didn't grow very tall and was anaemic.

So I think it is a sensible parenting approach but not a magic wand. So I don't judge when kids are fussy as a rule. I know one fussy kid whose parents are awful cooks, I've eaten at their house twice, thought the first time was a one-off problem... never will again, I feel sorry for that kid! 😬

I was considered fussy as a child. It's now very obvious to me that I actually had (and have) allergies to those foods- because my own children are diagnosed with allergies and their symptoms are the same.

My son would have been considered extremely fussy. He doesn't eat any raw fruit or veg. He has oral allergy syndrome, it makes his mouth burn and itch. In some people it can be life threatening. I am glad I never forced him to keep trying them (unlike my ex who bullied him and came up with all kinds of "*strict" rules and used to criticise me for my soft parenting style)