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Original poster

Scared to keep co-sleeping

105 replies

caggie2 · 28/02/2023 17:59

I wish I hadn't seen it but a video came up on my TikTok feed of a women who lost her son Stone to SIDS by bed sharing, and now makes lots of videos sharing her story and warning mums not to do it and saying it only takes one time for your baby to die and how no one thinks it'll happen to them

Nearly made me cry, I have a newborn and the only way we're getting any sleep is co-sleeping. We are following the safe sleep 7 but apparently so was she. I feel scared to even go to bed tonight now. I co-slept with my eldest for a year and it was fine but then is that just survivor bias? All the comments were women saying they will never bed share again after watching it and now I just feel so scared and like I'm being a bad mum. He hates being put down. We have a next to me but he won't go in it Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
caggie2 · 28/02/2023 18:15

I'm going to really try tonight to get him into his next to me, does anyone have any tips? He sleeps so well with me and I love having him there but I don't think I'll ever feel safe doing so again Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
caggie2 · 28/02/2023 18:34

Anyone Sad

OP posts:
afinethingindeed · 28/02/2023 18:39

I'm sorry you saw that.
I co slept with DD as it was the only way to get any sleep. The way I see it, the alternative was for me to hold her and risk falling asleep while doing so which definitely wouldn't be safe!
My advice would be to continue as you are, following the safe 7 exactly. I hope you manage to push it out of your mind.
Sorry I don't have any real advice for you x

AudreyJL · 28/02/2023 18:44

No advice here as well as I'm still co-sleeping with my 19 month old. Since the day we brought her home from the hospital, she just will not sleep in her cot. Co-sleeping was the only was both of us could sleep and function during the day. Keep following the safe 7. No alcohol, smoking, etc and try to ease your mind. It's hard to truly say whether the mum who sadly lost her baby was following the safe 7 down to a tee. It's definitely hard when you're grieving. Co-sleeping is very much the norm still in many Asian and African countries and I believe SIDS is much lower in said countries as well.

BringItOn2023 · 28/02/2023 18:45

I would get advice from TIktok. Read the research evidence.

SpecialK2023 · 28/02/2023 18:56

BringItOn2023 · 28/02/2023 18:45

I would get advice from TIktok. Read the research evidence.

This. She could have been following the safe 7 or she could be riddled with guilt and desperately want to believe she was to absolve herself of that guilt. OR her babies death could have been a genuine cot death which was coincidental to bedsharing.

Fifi20000 · 28/02/2023 19:02

There is an element of risk, the safe 7 reduces this but doesn't eliminate it. What is safer for you. I co-slept with both of mine but never self comfortable doing this until they were a little older between 6-8 months and then using the safe 7. However, with my first I remember failing asleep with her on my chest on a chair and whilst I was in bed both could have ended in a disaster because I didn't want to co-sleep. My second was amazing until 8 months then wouldn't sleep in the cot.

user40816 · 28/02/2023 19:02

I don't mean this as insensitively as it sounds for anyone who has lost a child to an unfortunate sleeping accident.

One person's (extremely sad) experience needs to be considered in relative terms. She is right, in that it only takes one night for something to go wrong. But it also only takes one car journey to be involved in a fatal accident. One walk through a city to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and crushed by a falling sign. One exercise session with an undiagnosed heart condition to go into cardiac arrest.

Co-sleeping is probably more common in the UK than statistics would suggest because it's still somewhat taboo due to parents being constantly told how unsafe it is, period. But it is the way the majority of the rest of the world sleep with their children. It's what is biologically normal for mammals.

It's not survivor bias to not feel worried about the risk yourself, it's called being rational, given everything in lifeliterallyis a risk.

Dacadactyl · 28/02/2023 19:06

I don't know what safe sleep 7 is, but I also co slept with both my kids. The first time they woke in the night, they came in the bed next to me/us and stayed there all night, most of the time, on the boob. 2nd child was in with us til he was 13 months. With my first, I co-slept with her in a single bed until she was about 9 months!!

I think just do what your gut is telling you to do personally.

Ihavekids · 28/02/2023 19:15

I'm guessing at least a quarter of all babies in england are co sleeping every night. In other countries, the vast majority of them are.

Would you watch a video of someone saying how their baby died in a car crash then never let your kid travel by car again?

I was totally converted to co sleeping after I fell asleep driving as I was so tired from trying to feed sitting up all night.

I'm pretty sure that advice is changing about whether or not co sleeping is safe but don't have the time to google and link.

Make the choice that works for you.

BuffaloCauliflower · 28/02/2023 19:25

I’ve seen the videos you have, and she won’t say what the actual cause of death was, because simply being in the bed isn’t going to kill a baby. Something actually happened, she may well have been bedsharing not following safety guidelines and doesn’t want to admit that, so she’s just saying bedsharing. But this is like saying someone died in a car without saying it crashed.

Bedsharing doesn’t increase the risk of SIDS, which has no external cause - it’s something I wrong with the baby and would like happen wherever the baby slept. It was previously called cot death for a reason and it still mostly happens in cots, but thankfully the risk of actual SIDS is tiny these days.

However there can be other risks when bedsharing, such as unsafe bedding, which is why following things like the safe sleep 7 matter. Following this guidance bedsharing is as safe as it can be, and for many of us means we get enough sleep to parent safely. Falling asleep accidentally with a baby, such as on a sofa, because you’re so tired is many many times more dangerous than deliberate bedsharing in a bed setup for it. Its also how nature intended us to sleep, and a breastfeeding mother baby pair are designed to sleep together this way and hugely aware of each other while sleeping. The risks are man made things.

I’d give the video on the front page of this site a watch, it’s the head of leading mother baby sleep research centre talking about the research on cosleeping and should reassure you

cosleeping.nd.edu

BuffaloCauliflower · 28/02/2023 19:27

Sorry for all the typos I am tired! And lying in bed with my baby soon to sleep

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 28/02/2023 19:28

I think I know the tik toker you watched and I watched her too with a newborn. But actually she has mixed up the two issues.
Her baby died of SIDS which would have happened regardless.
If it was cosleeping and suffocation then that is not sids...

I have co slept with both my children and as long as you are careful it is absolutely fine.
Stay away from horrible tok too stuff. I got sucked into watching things about shaken baby syndrome and it put me in a depression

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 28/02/2023 19:40

Also I'm pretty sure the baby was with the dad and he fell asleep on the sofa with the baby.

Original poster
caggie2 · 28/02/2023 19:42

Thank you so much.. reading all the links now. It is reassuring. I feel bad that I'm not just saying I'll never bed share again like the thousands of mums in the comments on her videos. But I just don't realistically see how I achieve that and get enough sleep to survive. I am going to try and get him in his next to me, I will try my best. It's so hard!

OP posts:
DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 28/02/2023 19:48

Some think that safe co-sleeping is better than anything else, that it helps regulate baby's breathing and can actually prevent SIDS.

Anyway, it's the norm in most cultures around the world and has only been tampered with here as mums have been encouraged/required to return to work and can't commit to the odd sleep patterns of babies and toddlers.

If it works for you, then you can safely do it. I have Co slept with my two since they were newborns. You learn to feed in the side lie position, with your arm over your head and it just works. Wake in the night, roll over, pop on the other side and everyone's back to sleep.

Your understandable dread after watching this video is like hearing of a tragic fatal car accident and never walking on a footpath or going in a car again.
You can acknowledge tragic incidents whilst not letting them limit your life.

Emismama · 28/02/2023 19:48

Hi OP, I have a 7 month old and would often see things on Tik Tok that would send me into a complete frenzy so I know how you feel! There is a setting on Tik Tok where you can filter the sort of videos that come up on your for you page, you just enter the key word and any videos with those words in the caption won’t come up! This has saved me from so much anxiety recently and I just wish I had known about it when my DD was a newborn! I know my response has nothing to do with Co-sleeping or tips for getting your LO in their crib but it might be something that could help you because it really did me! Xxx

BuffaloCauliflower · 28/02/2023 19:56

Bedsharing is normal and natural. If her baby did die of true SIDS there’s nothing she could have done.
More kids die in car accidents than bedsharing, but noone says they’ll never put their kid in the car. Or they say they’d never bedshare but forward face their 12 month olds in the car. People will assess and act on risks differently for various reasons.

FrodisCapering · 28/02/2023 20:02

I never bed shared. It was hard but there was no way I was putting my babies at risk.
Some people will argue it is safe but I disagree.
Yes, survivors' bias is a thing.

The only tips are to put your baby to sleep on their back in an empty crib. Ensure there is no furniture within a few feet. Don't use dummy clips for sleep. Don't use cot bumpers.

Ultimately it is down to the individual to make the judgement call.

SpecialK2023 · 28/02/2023 20:09

caggie2 · 28/02/2023 19:42

Thank you so much.. reading all the links now. It is reassuring. I feel bad that I'm not just saying I'll never bed share again like the thousands of mums in the comments on her videos. But I just don't realistically see how I achieve that and get enough sleep to survive. I am going to try and get him in his next to me, I will try my best. It's so hard!

I understand. I didn’t want to bedshare, never really felt comfortable with it, always on edge. Woke up in a panic. DS1 didn’t need to, he slept in a Co-sleeper no bother. DS2 had really bad reflux and would NOT sleep unless slightly propped up or in a sling. He slept mostly on my boob for the first 8 months when I did do some Ferber sleep training as I was pretty broken and desperately wanted a break.

jenhens · 28/02/2023 20:13

You poor thing, it's a worrying time as it is.

I too coslept for sanity, but worried constantly about it.

We ended up buying a nappy clip with an alarm that would go off if he stopped breathing. People warned me against it but for me it gave me incredible peace of mind, I am pregnant with #2 and will absolutely use it again.

It's called the Snuza - link here

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Snuza-Hero-MD-Medically-Certified/dp/B01HIDTKPC/ref=ascdff_B01HIDTKPC/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=241119896309&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=8173052876640448058&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006946&hvtargid=pla-422745045023&psc=1

jenhens · 28/02/2023 20:15

Also - I shared a bed with just my baby and kicked DH out to spare room for a while. The priority was (safe) sleep. Cosleeping IS safe done correctly and amazing for you and your baby ❤️

DuesToTheDirt · 28/02/2023 20:17

We co-slept. But some years later I reconnected with an old friend who now works in a coroner's office and said she would never ever co-sleep... gave me pause for thought.

BuffaloCauliflower · 28/02/2023 20:17

@FrodisCapering survivors bias is absolutely a thing, but so is cosleeping research.

BuffaloCauliflower · 28/02/2023 20:18

@DuesToTheDirt did she also say she’d never transport her children by car too?

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