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Original poster

Scared to keep co-sleeping

105 replies

caggie2 · 28/02/2023 17:59

I wish I hadn't seen it but a video came up on my TikTok feed of a women who lost her son Stone to SIDS by bed sharing, and now makes lots of videos sharing her story and warning mums not to do it and saying it only takes one time for your baby to die and how no one thinks it'll happen to them

Nearly made me cry, I have a newborn and the only way we're getting any sleep is co-sleeping. We are following the safe sleep 7 but apparently so was she. I feel scared to even go to bed tonight now. I co-slept with my eldest for a year and it was fine but then is that just survivor bias? All the comments were women saying they will never bed share again after watching it and now I just feel so scared and like I'm being a bad mum. He hates being put down. We have a next to me but he won't go in it Sad

OP posts:
notthisagainforest · 28/02/2023 20:18

I don't understand how anybody could think it would be safe for a baby to sleep in bed with a grown adult. It makes no sense.

Original poster
caggie2 · 28/02/2023 20:19

And back to being panicked Sad

OP posts:
MintLampShade · 28/02/2023 20:20

caggie2 · 28/02/2023 19:42

Thank you so much.. reading all the links now. It is reassuring. I feel bad that I'm not just saying I'll never bed share again like the thousands of mums in the comments on her videos. But I just don't realistically see how I achieve that and get enough sleep to survive. I am going to try and get him in his next to me, I will try my best. It's so hard!

You absolutely don't need to say you won't ever bed-share again. That's definitely not the solution as sadly infants will still die of SIDS regardless of where they sleep.

The way I see it, you need to risk assess and make the best decision for YOUR family and YOUR circumstances. Not cosleeping doesn't make you a better mum, making informed decisions does!

Don't get disheartened OP. Hugs x

notthisagainforest · 28/02/2023 20:22

caggie2 · 28/02/2023 20:19

And back to being panicked Sad

Sorry I don't mean to panic you but it just seems crazy to me. What if you roll over on them or the duvet goes over their head. I've just googled out of interest and it says it isn't safe until one year old.

SpecialK2023 · 28/02/2023 20:22

Do you have a Co-sleeper/next to me Op? My first happily transferred to his and I could hold his hand etc if I needed to, but he was still in his own space.

Nejnej2 · 28/02/2023 20:24

This is hard but remember that cot deaths sadly still happen even in perfect sleep conditions. The risks are slightly higher cosleeping compared to own crib/no blankets/etc - but safe cosleeping is a million times safer than falling asleep with baby in your arms.

I have a velcro 12 week old and never intended to cosleep, but I wouldn't sleep otherwise and that's much riskier for us!

Like others have said, cosleeping is the norm in lots of countries and there are risks in everything we do (just crossing the road!). Step away from TikTok, read the evidence and do what's right for your family.

Kranke · 28/02/2023 20:26

SIDS is a very generic term. The measures they promoted to reduce the risk were never individually monitored, so it’s impossible to narrow it down.

You need to do what’s best for you. I started cosleeping, but my husband had to wake me one night as despite following all the rules I was smothering my baby’s face with my boob. This is extremely uncommon, and I could have possibly moved later in my sleep and rectified it. I didn’t do it after as it scared me, but I did do lots of other things that are not recommended, but worked for us a family.

Hatscats · 28/02/2023 20:27

Saw the same video - the baby suffocated as they fell down the gap between the bed and the wall - not SIDS.

if you’re following safe sleep 7 then that can’t ever happen!

BuffaloCauliflower · 28/02/2023 20:28

@notthisagainforest because a mother sleeping curled round her baby is literally how we evolved to sleep. If you sleep in the C curl position with arm above their head and bent (it’s naturally how your body moves around a baby) you can’t roll. The main risks in bedsharing are an adult that’s smoked or drunk alcohol - easy to avoid - and unsafe bedding, also very easy to avoid. Almost all bedsharing deaths are the result of these 3 things. Next is cosleeping on an unsafe surface like a sofa. The link I shared above is there for you to if you’d actually like the facts.

BuffaloCauliflower · 28/02/2023 20:29

@Hatscats well there you go. There should be a minimum of 12 inches space around the bed and the bed should never be pushed against a wall. Easy to avoid risks. The baby was sleeping unsafely, it wasn’t the beds fault.

BoringLittleMe · 28/02/2023 20:30

I was too worried to co-sleep but I'm not going to pass judgment on people who do. All I will say is, babies are so vulnerable and sometimes things happen and there's nothing anyone can do. And I really don't say that to worry you or anyone more, rather there are so many things in life outside our control that we can't worry about them all or we would never enjoy life.

All you can do is read up on things and act according to your own best judgement. That's all any of us can do.

notthisagainforest · 28/02/2023 20:30

BuffaloCauliflower · 28/02/2023 20:28

@notthisagainforest because a mother sleeping curled round her baby is literally how we evolved to sleep. If you sleep in the C curl position with arm above their head and bent (it’s naturally how your body moves around a baby) you can’t roll. The main risks in bedsharing are an adult that’s smoked or drunk alcohol - easy to avoid - and unsafe bedding, also very easy to avoid. Almost all bedsharing deaths are the result of these 3 things. Next is cosleeping on an unsafe surface like a sofa. The link I shared above is there for you to if you’d actually like the facts.

I toss and turn in my sleep and even if I went in this c position I can't stay I. The same place for long. How do you get a proper sleep knowing the baby could suffocate ?

WutheringShites86 · 28/02/2023 20:31

notthisagainforest · 28/02/2023 20:22

Sorry I don't mean to panic you but it just seems crazy to me. What if you roll over on them or the duvet goes over their head. I've just googled out of interest and it says it isn't safe until one year old.

Show quote history

Neither of those things can happen if you're following the safe 7 advice though. For example if you're lying in the correct position it's impossible to roll onto the side the baby is on.

Scared to keep co-sleeping
user40816 · 28/02/2023 20:35

notthisagainforest · 28/02/2023 20:30

I toss and turn in my sleep and even if I went in this c position I can't stay I. The same place for long. How do you get a proper sleep knowing the baby could suffocate ?

Show quote history

You've never bedshared so how would you know whether you'd move or not? It really is a "if you know, you know" experience; sleeping next to a baby vs next to your partner/alone really don't compare.

BuffaloCauliflower · 28/02/2023 20:36

@notthisagainforest I don’t toss and turn, I barely move except when baby wakes me, and then I switch us both over to the other side to feed and resettle. Did the same with my son. I’m extremely aware of baby’s movement and noises and sleep just fine. Much better than I would trying to get her to stay in the cot, which would make me a less safe parent as I’d be sleep deprived. I have a small duvet low down just over my legs, it’s not on baby. It’s very easy to follow safety guidance if you want to. Even the NHS NICE guidelines now recognise there is safe bedsharing and says it should be taught to new parents.

Emptycrackedcup · 28/02/2023 20:37

You should be scared of co-sleeping tbh, my friend also lost her son. There are gentle forms of sleep training that are effective, I'd engage a sleep consultant. It is worth the money

SpecialK2023 · 28/02/2023 20:37

notthisagainforest · 28/02/2023 20:30

I toss and turn in my sleep and even if I went in this c position I can't stay I. The same place for long. How do you get a proper sleep knowing the baby could suffocate ?

Show quote history

You don’t, it’s shit sleep, but if the alternative is a crying baby it’s better sleep than you’d get then.

BuffaloCauliflower · 28/02/2023 20:39

I’m also 5”2, my 7 week old is already as big as my entire torso. I couldn’t roll over her from lying on my side if I tried! Breastfeeding in particular makes a huge difference as it makes you extra responsive to your baby. Breastfeeding mothers literally sleep differently, there’s plenty of science on this.

Original poster
caggie2 · 28/02/2023 20:40

Emptycrackedcup · 28/02/2023 20:37

You should be scared of co-sleeping tbh, my friend also lost her son. There are gentle forms of sleep training that are effective, I'd engage a sleep consultant. It is worth the money

Sleep training a 3 week old just seems impossible. It's so natural that they just want to be near you. Sad oh I feel sick about this. Going to spend the whole night tonight just putting him back in his next to me and feeling horrid when he cries for me.

OP posts:
BuffaloCauliflower · 28/02/2023 20:41

@Emptycrackedcup what SPECIFICALLY happened to the baby, as we’ve said before the baseline of simply lying in a bed doesn’t kill any baby. Sleep training is totally unnecessary and often cruel. Why the obsession with denying we’re animals with instincts who have evolved to parent babies a certain way? The biggest issues come when these facts are ignored.

BuffaloCauliflower · 28/02/2023 20:42

@caggie2 sleep with your baby, you’re doing nothing wrong.

user40816 · 28/02/2023 20:44

Emptycrackedcup · 28/02/2023 20:37

You should be scared of co-sleeping tbh, my friend also lost her son. There are gentle forms of sleep training that are effective, I'd engage a sleep consultant. It is worth the money

No one who refers to themselves as a "sleep consultant" should be responsible for advising anyone anything if they endorse sleep training a three week old.

BuffaloCauliflower · 28/02/2023 20:44

@Emptycrackedcup it’s actually hilarious how much capitalism has ruined us. Pay someone to tell you how to ignore your infants natural behaviour and your natural instincts as a mother so you can leave them alone more, completely against our species biology and evolution. It’s actually insane.

Emptycrackedcup · 28/02/2023 20:45

caggie2 · 28/02/2023 20:40

Sleep training a 3 week old just seems impossible. It's so natural that they just want to be near you. Sad oh I feel sick about this. Going to spend the whole night tonight just putting him back in his next to me and feeling horrid when he cries for me.

Show quote history

Oh I'm so sorry, I didn't realise your baby was only 3 weeks old. Yes you can't do that until 6 months. Your baby is still so young, my baby was a great sleeper but even this young he was the same. At night we co slept while DH watched (he was just watching TV) for a few hours so I got some decent sleep. I think we did that for a couple of weeks just for survival. It seemed that around 7pm - 12am it was hard for the baby to sleep, but then he would. I had to gently lower him into his bassinet. I think this is just a phase at this age as all of my mum friends went through the same thing. Personally I think the trick is not to get into the habit of co sleeping as it will be hard to get out of and there are genuine risks. I feel for you OP, it is really hard but it will improve, I'm sure of it Flowers