Scared to keep co-sleeping

[caggie2]

I wish I hadn't seen it but a video came up on my TikTok feed of a women who lost her son Stone to SIDS by bed sharing, and now makes lots of videos sharing her story and warning mums not to do it and saying it only takes one time for your baby to die and how no one thinks it'll happen to them

Nearly made me cry, I have a newborn and the only way we're getting any sleep is co-sleeping. We are following the safe sleep 7 but apparently so was she. I feel scared to even go to bed tonight now. I co-slept with my eldest for a year and it was fine but then is that just survivor bias? All the comments were women saying they will never bed share again after watching it and now I just feel so scared and like I'm being a bad mum. He hates being put down. We have a next to me but he won't go in it

It's just not happening. He's fast asleep I like him down in the next to me and within minutes he's awake. I give him a couple of minutes he doesn't stop, I won't let him cry longer than that, I pick him up cuddle him to sleep and lie him down 20 mins later and it starts again. I just literally don't understand what I do other than repeat this all night or co-sleep and I don't feel very comfortable co-sleeping anymore.

I would recommend checking out the UK Cosleepers Facebook group for advice on making your sleep space as safe as possible in terms of positioning of bed, what you wear, bedding etc. I learned so much on there in terms of additional safety info.

I also used an Owlet sock for peace of mind as it will alert you if baby's heart rate or oxygen saturation becomes problematic.

For me personally it was by far the safest option as the alternative was accidentally falling asleep in an unsafe situation like sat up feeding.

Babies do very sadly die sometimes of SIDS, be it in a cot or bedsharing, for reasons unrelated to their sleep surface. For me once I had made it as safe as possible I was of the view that if it had to happen I'd rather my baby spent their last moments snuggled up next to me with my milk in their tummy and my scent in their nostrils than alone in their cot.

But ultimately we all have to do what we're most comfortable with.

SIDS can happen anywhere, not necessarily connected to where the baby is sleeping.

Yes OP. It’s the difference between my c

Oppps posted too soon, my first and my second. My first was fine to sleep in a cot. My second had reflux and screamed whenever he was laid down.

I bought an owlet monitor which would have alerted me to anything untoward. It alarms is oxygen level below 80%.

@underneaththeash I don’t know what you’re referring to, as neither of the things I’ve mentioned are a ‘her’. One is the website of a university research unit, the other is unicef. The NICE guidance has recently been updated to say that, while yes they still recommend baby alone in cot, safe bedsharing guidance should be taught to parents. There is no blanket ‘do not’ as that is not practical or sensible.

www.nice.org.uk/guidance/qs37/chapter/Quality-statement-5-Safer-practices-for-bed-sharing

@caggie2 i hope you got some sleep. Yes, some babies will just happily go in a cot. Some do for a bit and then change. Every baby is different. It’s always better to bedshare following safety guidance than to risk falling asleep sitting up with them by accident

Was up until 3.30am putting him down repeatedly and he didn't last longer than 7 minutes in the next to me at any point, even though he was so tired. I gave up and co-slept. This is the most tired I've been since he was born and now the most guilty feeling too

I bedshared with mine, followed safe sleep 7. He was a very very deep sleeping baby in the early weeks and I now actually feel it was safer to bedshare. There were a few nights I woke up v suddenly and he was breathing very very infrequently in a deep sleep and I took some breaths in and out near his face and stroked his chest and he started breathing more regularly. I've since read that v deep sleep in young babies can be a risk factor for SIDS. I believe that countries where bedsharing is normalised have lower rates of SIDS.

Oh OP, I see these videos and I have been co sleeping with DD for 2.5 years!

I see unsafe sleeping all the time, in cots and in a bed. There seems to be a real aversion to what is construed as 'policing' another mums choices when they look dangerous.

Follow the advice to do it properly - that means no pillows, no blankets - nothing close to baby. The mattress has to be firm. You cannot smoke (doesnt matter if you wash your hands and brush your teeth) and do not drink. I wrapped myself up in a warm onesie to keep myself warm.

And just to add what I have seen PP say - I personally felt it was safer to co sleep - I caught DD choking on vomit a few times because she was next to me.

Why do you feel guilty for sleeping with your baby in the most natural, nurturing way?
If it helps, I feel guilty for stopping co sleeping with my first (for reasons similar to you) because that's time cuddling and bonding with him that I will never get back.
With my second I am co sleeping as long as we both want.

You don’t get proper sleep- I cosleep and feel shit bc I am very lightly asleep all night- partly why alcohol is so dangerous when coupled with cosleeping. My oh thought baby was sleeping through (!) bc he didn’t ever cry at night- I just wake before he cries for a feed, just him snuffling around about to wake disturbs me!
but still. Lots of shit sleep is much better than no sleep at all

OP
you seem tired and fraught.
is there any way you can pass the baby over to someone fire 3-4 hours so you can sleep.
it sounds to me like you can’t see past your anxieties atm. Tiredness will do that to you.
then after some real sleep, then make decisions about cosleeping

@BuffaloCauliflower aye all that great "research".

There's plenty of research to support the view that co-sleeping is not safe.

@FrodisCapering have you actually looked at the links I’ve shared?

I never put the baby into our bed until she was 1. I was terrified that something might happen especially when they so tiny.

I don't really understand when people explain that "the baby sleeps better when co-sleeping": of course they do!! But for me it just simply didn't worth the risk.

I guess the end of the day you have to decide what makes you comfortable. Some people co-sleep without giving it a second thought and for some (like me) it just won't help. I would be up all the time to check up on the baby so why do it?

@BuffaloCauliflower I did. I didn't get further than the first page of what I saw because it referenced McKenna. I am not going to respond further, except to say that his stuff has been thoroughly discredited.

I'm not going to get into the debate about whether you should co sleep, but I personally didn't, because my babies were both low birth weight and that meant I couldn't do it safely (one of the safe sleep seven includes baby not being low birth weight).

It was just really hard work. I picked them up and put them down and picked them up again and read a load to stop me falling asleep holding them and got my husband (or other family member but with DD1 we were in the middle of lockdown so that was pretty difficult) to hold them in the day while I had naps.

All I can say is that I now (at 2 years and at 6 months) have quite good sleepers, whereas a lot of my friends who co slept etc are still getting woken up multiple times a night by their toddlers. But it was really, really difficult in the first few weeks. It does get better though - both mine were sleeping so much better by two or three months.

And even though you have "quite good sleepers" you don't actually know if your friends will have stronger binds than you with their kids because they do cosleep.

It's swings and roundabouts. The op does obviously want to cosleep so maybe we should give her support in how to do it safely

Bonds*

I think there is a large percentage of women who are scared to bed share but do out of desperation. Anyone who says they wouldn't dream of it was obviously lucky enough to have an infant that would, eventually, settle in a cot. Some of us didn't, and you can't survive on no sleep.

I shared my experience about not co-sleeping, as requested by the OP in a subsequent comment.

I'm actually appalled at your comment, suggesting that by following safe sleep guidance, which for me meant no co-sleeping, ever, because of my babies' particular circumstances, their bond with me will be weaker. Fortunately I know you're talking rubbish. I hope everyone else in my situation (i.e. unable to safely co-sleep) who reads your comment realises that too.

You're certainly not a model of empathy at any rate, however you've chosen to parent.

I coslept with mine till around 2 maybe longer . I honestly felt it was much safer, I felt so strange the one time we finally managed to get our first to sleep in her cot, like disconnected.

We slept slightly further down our bed with baby in the middle at the top of the bed in a sleeping bag, so their feet by our foreheads so we wouldn't accidentally cover her with a duvet.

Obviously you must do what feels right for you.