Scared to keep co-sleeping

[caggie2]

I wish I hadn't seen it but a video came up on my TikTok feed of a women who lost her son Stone to SIDS by bed sharing, and now makes lots of videos sharing her story and warning mums not to do it and saying it only takes one time for your baby to die and how no one thinks it'll happen to them

Nearly made me cry, I have a newborn and the only way we're getting any sleep is co-sleeping. We are following the safe sleep 7 but apparently so was she. I feel scared to even go to bed tonight now. I co-slept with my eldest for a year and it was fine but then is that just survivor bias? All the comments were women saying they will never bed share again after watching it and now I just feel so scared and like I'm being a bad mum. He hates being put down. We have a next to me but he won't go in it

You can also get a co-sleper bassinet that you can attach to your bed so that way thw baby has its own safe space, but you are still close

@Emptycrackedcup i have one, used for both babies, it’s literally like one surface with the bed. They don’t want to be that far away for long. They’re not a magic solution for a lot of babies that just want to be close

@Ideaswelcome1 Im so sorry for your loss, but if he hadn’t be smothered or anything then it must have been genuine SIDS and not caused by your actions. Please don’t blame yourself.

Erm, not at all. It's actually all about routine and overtired and undertired and how day sleep affects night sleep. But yes I didn't realise the baby was only 3 week old, as that would be completely inappropriate. Your comment about breastfeeding is odd too, as all of the mums in my group all EBF, apart from one and we all had the same problems at that very early stage. It's actually hilarious how ignorant people are when they have no idea what they are talking about - hint, looking at Google isn't going 'research' 🤔

OP I know it’s tough as you’re in a really difficult period (and I had PND and anxiety with no.2 so I understand those factors too) but try and be objective and focus on the facts. There’s plenty of evidence to suggest bed sharing safe if that’s what you chose to do. Your mum instincts mean something and if baby only sleeps close to you then that is better than you both being really upset and exhausted.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I am a medical researcher and without going into too much detail, I can tell you with absolute certainty that it was not your fault, and not co-sleeping wouldn't have changed the outcome in this case.

@Emptycrackedcup no it’s not, which is why above I referred OP to the website of the Mother Baby Sleep Laboratory at Notre Dame University, one of the leading research units on this stuff. And then also the NHS NICE guidelines. I do know what I’m talking about, it’s people saying bedsharing is never safe that aren’t.
I don’t know what you’re referring to about breastfeeding, but it’s well documented that the sleep of breastfeeding mothers differs to formula feeding mothers. Babies however are all just different to each other, though many simply won’t settle when separated from their mother, which makes sense from an evolutionary perspective. It seems what you refer to as ‘problems’ is actually just biologically normal infant sleep.

Where are your stats for the co-sleeping figures you’ve quoted?

@maddiemookins16mum this info leaflet from UNICEF suggests 22% of babies, but it’s hard to get good data as so many mums are shamed into lying about it

www.unicef.org.uk/babyfriendly/wp-content/uploads/sites/2/2016/07/Co-sleeping-and-SIDS-A-Guide-for-Health-Professionals.pdf

@maddiemookins16mum for the rest of the world I don’t have quick access to anything peer reviewed, but sleeping with ones babies is well known to be the normal cultural practice in places like India and Japan, and most of the less developed world. Most of the world doesn’t have the option of multiple bedrooms.

I think that everyone should do sleeping the way it works for them. I’ve never left my baby in a room by himself. I can’t imagine watching him on a video or listening to a monitor. Alien concept to me.

Then, I have friends who think it’s crazy to sleep in with your baby. It wouldn’t even occur to them not to do the accepted methods of own room / cry it out / sleep training etc. It’s the same with feeding. There’s no right or wrong way, really...

I’ve coslept with baby since she was 6 weeks old. I know that it’s just one persons experience but I know I would have fallen asleep with her in my arms unless I did. As long as you’re breastfeeding she should naturally stay close to your breast. Whenever id wake up to feed my LO in the night we were both in exactly the same position we fell asleep in. I would recommend www.laleche.org.uk for info regarding bed sharing. It really put my mind at rest.

How would you have stats for a guess??

Tried twice to set him down in his next to me and he wakes up within a few minutes crying to be held. All the people who say they'd never co-sleep and baby always slept in their own cot, did they just not cry? What do you do if they won't sleep in their own cot? I don't understand

SIDS is incredibly rare, if you’re following the official guidance for co sleeping and it works for you I would keep going. Statistically there’s far higher risks - such as even going in a car!

Oh come on OP, you have had plenty of excellent advice - just cosleep with your poor baby.

If the baby in the video did die of SIDS then it would have happened whether bed sharing or not. If it was suffocation then you can completely avoid this by following the safe sleep 7.

I think it's just the thought that if I continue to co-sleep now after seeing and reading all that I have today, if god forbid the worst happened I know that I've had these fears and read all of these scenarios and still chosen to do it and I don't know how I'd live with myself

But you wouldn't have done anything wrong as SIDS would happen anyway. There is evidence to show that bed sharing actually reduces the risk of SIDS as it regulates baby's breathing.

@BuffaloCauliflower do you realise that website is the intellectual property of one person and in her source list she’s chosen the exclude all the evidence which disagrees with her? That’s not the basis of a good clinician.

OP - the NHS advice is to not co-sleep
it’s compiled by a group of clinicians who look at all the available studies and give their findings weight based on a hierarchy of evidence. Rather than just one person’s.

I would not put a newborn in my bed (with me)

This really is true, you just stay in the position with the baby next to you. You are somehow just aware of them and occasionally pop your boob back in when they snuffle about!

Yes op some people do have babies that sleep in their cot, they don't need to be trained to be on their cot.

I learned this when I was really struggling with my firstborn and I couldn't put him down. He would cry and cry and me and DH used to have to take turns to hold him upright.
He had silent reflux and couldn't pass wind very well. I used to sleep propped up sandwiched between a v-shaped pillow and have my son sleeping upright on my chest. Then at some point in the night I'd get him on his side on the bed and I'd just feed him laying down.
Eventually as he grew the reflux became less of an issue and we eventually got him in a cot about 7 or 8months old but it was hell on earth trying to get him to stay in it and settle down. Until he was 1.5 it was a nightmare getting him to sleep and I wish I just coslept the whole time like we originally did because it worked so well. Also I had to put him down on his tummy as going down on his back just didnt work!

With my second, me and DS just cosleep together, I bought bed bumpers and I can sleep with a distance between us until he wakes for a feed which I again do laying down. Once he's finished he just sleeps and I turn over and sleep.
My husband sleeps in a different room. Sometimes our eldest son comes through and he comes into my bed and sleeps at the other side of me.

Only after I had my second who actually self settles himself without me ever needing to "train" him or spend hours patting etc I'd never have known how different babies can be. And if I had my second child first, I'd have probably given advice about how he slept but the reality is, I could have tried everything and anything with my first and he just was a terrible sleeper!

I agree. I don't move when I cosleep.

Oh OP I really really feel for you, I wish there was something someone could say that would fix this but I get that all these conflicting responses aren't going to help.

My little girl is nearly 2 but I had this issue with her and I think the sleep deprivation mixed with worry over what would happen if we bedshared gave me raging PPA that I still shudder about. Me and my husband 'slept' in shifts but really I just didn't sleep for the first 6 weeks and in hindsight that was way more risky than if I'd just set up a safe sleep space from the off because I used to doze off holding her.

Keep trying with the next to me if it will ease your mind, some things that helped us post 6 weeks were swaddling, white noise and a dummy. But in the mean time set up your sleep space in accordance with safe sleep 7 and don't beat yourself up about this.

I gave up with the crib and just fully bedshared from about 8 months by the way... Still doing it now, some babies just can't sleep alone, you gotta do what you gotta do!

Hope things improve for you, please message me if you need to xx