I'm really not expecting anyone on MN to understand, I just really need to vent and I've pretty much lost most of my friends.
DD is 10 months old and has never, ever once slept longer than 3 hours at night. 3 hours is actually only applicable to when she was a newborn, now it's 1.5 - 2 hours max. Subsequently I have literally not had more than 3 hours of unbroken sleep since before she was born, and often times I'm roused up to 10 times a night. I refuse to sleep train for multiple reasons, including personal experience, it being inappropriate for DD's temperament, and the fact that I'm aware a lot of her nightly disturbance is due to discomfort from gas and reflux (stemming from a habitual poor latch that I can do absolutely nothing about at this age).
DD is also (E)BF alongside solids. She has multiple allergies that I therefore also have to avoid, which have caused symptomatic deficiencies and I have lost a lot of weight from pre-pregnancy. I used to be an amateur bodybuilder and I am now very skinny and saggy. Again for multiple personal reasons that I won't go into here, formula is not an option and neither is weaning off of BF at this stage.
DP works very long hours multiple times a week and has educational commitments alongside working, thus he doesn't spend anywhere near as much time with DD as I do. DD therefore has developed very strong separation anxiety from me and only being consoled by me. Hearing her screaming like someone has broken her leg because she only wants me and trying to ignore the instinct to be with her ruins my mental health.
PIL are around but, to be honest, I don't trust them. I have witnessed how they treat our nieces away from their mum; the way they have been with DD at times (purposely trying to scare her and make her cry at 5 months old); having no concept of how to safely offer solid foods (giving blueberries whole without squashing them); putting DD in her car seat in a pram suit... I could go on. Frankly I do not feel at all comfortable leaving DD with them when I'm due to go back to work, and they are our only option in the way of childcare.
Our future is (and has been since before DD) been banking on the success of an 'entrepreneurial venture' should we say. With the changes to the economy in the last year, failure to realise the plans I've been working on for the past 3 years now will mean we will be forced to sell our house.
As a result I spend every opportunity (DD's naps, some time when she goes to bed, and whenever DP is around to look after her) working towards this goal. I do nothing for myself because I am putting every ounce of energy into this project for the sake of our future. I don't even see friends, hence why I'm posting here rather than messaging them.
The pressure is gigantic, and the combination of it all is causing me to start to crack. I am terrified that I will let my family and myself down. I am equally upset that I am watching time slip away from me and am not finding myself able to be present and enjoy watching my daughter grow up.
I'm not going to give up, on any of it, but tonight after fighting an overtired 10 month old to get to sleep and DP being away, I really needed to let it out to help me straighten my thoughts.
Appreciate if you've read the whole way through, thank you. X