Grandparents will not have grandchild - AIBU

[Autumnisbeautiful1]

Hi there, we are moving from UK to Australia in a few weeks, myself, husband and 2 Yr old son. I have a job with international travel meaning I am due in X European city in August (5 months after we depart). I suggested to my parents I come back with my son and we stay with them the week before I'm due in Europe, they have him for the 5 days I'll be working in Europe and then I come back for another week or whatever best suits their schedule. They are completely up a height at me asking and in fact really angry and say I'm being unreasonable asking them to have my son for the 5 days I'm away. I totally get it would be hardwork for them but considering they see us every week atm and won't see us for at least 8 months if I don't bring him back with me in August I thought this was a great opportunity to see each other and especially him spending time with grandparents. They have never had him overnight, we see them every week a few times for an hour or two each time. My mum is always stressed and must have undiagnosed anxiety despite having everything she could want for years. I feel like my dad would do it without hesitation if my mum said yes but agrees whatever she says, which I guess is good for their relationship. I completely understand I can't rely on my parents for childcare and never have but just thought this was too good an opportunity to turn down I.e. my flights are pretty much paid for etc.
Thanks for your thoughts.

I wouldn’t have DGS at 2 for 5 days. We had him and DGD for a weekend. He cried for 1.5 hours at bedtime for his parents and nothing we did, could console him. They live 10 minutes away from us, and we see them often. He’s fine if we look after him all day; it was bedtime that was the problem. We have DGD for sleepovers; but she’s 4.

Apparently I forgot who my own mum was when she went away for a few weeks when I was around 2.5 years old. I cried and refused to go near her for a day or so after she came back home.

YABU to even ask when you already know your mum is too anxious about overnights now let alone when you’ll be out of the country for 5 days.

@GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER they are 60

He is your son and your responsibility, not your parents. 5 days is a long time to look after any two year old. what if he gets ill?

@Autumnisbeautiful1 will your parents be saving up to come out to see you in your new home?
It’s sad to think if your ds is extremely close to them and won’t be seeing them otherwise.

OK so from reading your posts, you're not actually asking for childcare per say, you just wanted them to spend some time with their grandchild as they wont see him for a long time.

Well, you tried and if they don't want to then you can't force it. Let him stay with his dad.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with you asking OP - it was a perfectly reasonable request.

Your dm could've just said " I'm sorry, I don't honestly think I could cope for 5 days with a 2yo" but instead she has gone ballistic with you for some reason (probably projection. due to her own insecurities about the reasons why she's said no).

You've done nothing wrong.

Well done for taking feedback on board, OP. Honestly, once you have done one flight to Oz with a 2 year old, I promise that you won't want to do it again for a very long time, anyway, so this will probably work out for the best. It's not just the actual flight - it takes a good couple of weeks to re-establish their routine, and 2 is the worst age because they are old enough to notice when it's daytime (unlike a baby who you can gradually acclimatise by shifting sleep times by an hour a day), but too young to understand about time differences.

Yeah, at 2 and after 5 months apart, he won't have a clue who they are. From his point of view, it will be like leaving him with strangers. The GPs would have a traumatised toddler, whose sleep-wake cycle has just been fucked up by jet-lag, and no parent in the country. It would be a 'no' from me too because it's not fair on anyone, least of all the child.

I don't know why you are getting such a hard time. It's clear your intention was to give your parents time with their grandson. I know it's the kind of suggestion my parents would jump at.
I just wanted to say that I don't agree with all the people suggesting your 2 year old will forget who your parents are when you move abroad. My brother and his family live overseas. My parents have gone long periods without being able to see them (thanks Covid!) but they do video calls all the time and my nephews adore them. When they were very little my brother would leave the video call open in the room where the kids were playing and they would just toddle up and show my parents their latest toy or babble at them a bit as if they were there in the room. When my parents do see them in person there is no awkwardness. So please don't think they can't maintain a relationship with your son.

I can see why you suggested it. Maybe when he is school age they might feel more comfortable.
Maybe they are really going to struggle with your move and think that seeing him will hurt more?

I also suspect your parents anger is a symptom of them really not wanting you move so far away. Ultimately, it’s your choice but they need to process their feelings around it.

I think you were probably being a little unrealistic expecting them to have dc for 5 days when they have never had them overnight

I also disagree with people saying the child would have forgotten his GPs.
I know all children are different but due to covid my DS couldn't physically see his GPs (they live abroad) for a long time and they only communicated via video call. When we finally got to see them, he knew exactly who they were. You'd be surprised at how much children remember at that age.

Two is quite young and full on for five days. If they had DC every week and knew them better then maybe, but they probably just don’t have the confidence.

Well I wouldn't let my child stay in a home like that

@quisquam, dh and I currently have Gdcs of 6 and 7 for most of half term, they are very ‘easy’ now, and we’re very happy to have them, but I can’t cope with the toddler, who still wakes at night wanting Mummy or Daddy and wouldn’t be happy.,
We are both long past retirement age and don’t sleep well anyway. IMO many younger parents just don’t realise how much more tiring very young children are when you’re getting on a bit. I don’t suppose I did either, but I never asked GPs to have ours for more than a few hours, or for the occasional evening out.

After 4 of her own, with no help ever, I’m sure my own DM would have very firmly put her foot down! TBH I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking.

This would be my concern, not having a parent in the same country

What if he got sick or had an accident

To me, it's not a big deal. I'd enjoy having my GCs for 5 days.

Very insightful Tomato Sandwiches.

Am I missing something? Why would you make your (jet lagged, distraught, looking for his parents) toddler be around such a toxic, awful environment? Your mother berates all day and flies off the handle? Nah.

I’m 62. And I’d suggest it’s the 60 year olds who haven’t matured enough to realise there’s more to life than themselves that are the selfish ones.

I’m the one saying grandparents should always make time, and there’s other people thinking their social lives or studying for a nonexistent career are more important, yet I’m the selfish one? That’s hilarious

I also can't believe the replies you're getting OP!
It's not like you asked your parents for childcare as a favour - you asked thinking it would be nice opportunity for them to see their grandson.
Fair enough they've said no, they don't fancy it. But I can't understand the anger, either from your parents or other posters on this thread.

I’ve given up work, sleep, and dedicated 14 years of my life so far to my kids. Been there for absolutely everything. Every sports day, every assembly, every event, pretty much every school run both ways to kiss them goodbye and cuddle them hello when they run out open armed. I’ve had a singleton and twins and it hasn’t been easy but believe me, I’ve sacrificed lots of what I would have like to have done for myself because I believe it’s in the best interest of them. My social life happens when they are at school for the most part. My work also happens when they are at school so I can focus on them when they are home. I put all of my time money and resources into their welfare, pushing their dreams and goals, making sure they have a rich varied interesting secure and loving childhood. It’s the very least I can do as their mother and I would do it all 1000x over. I’ve had little to no childcare help or support from either side of grandparents due to death, and becuse the remaining choose to have / live in property abroad for parts of the year or just don’t feel they want to look after kids. Fair enough.
When I am a grandparent I will of course help out but I also want to have some years to myself and I certainly don’t want to be labelled as ‘oh well what else have I possibly got to do with my time other than look after kids’ my time will still be precious as anyone else’s wether I’m 20 or 70!!

You’ll probably have 10-15 years break between finishing being a parent to school age children and being a grandparent. It might sound exhausting now, but you’d probably be ready to do it all again by the time that comes around and having a long break on your own.

Its not the same being a grandparent and being a parent. As a parent you really are on the job 24/7, every day of the year. As a grandparent you’d do it a couple of days a week at the most usually, and there’s still lots of time to do other things.

The OP asked for 5 days of childcare with them having not seen the child for months on end, they’ve had all that time to themselves so it disrupting whatever else they do with their time shouldn’t really be a consideration. I’d be more concerned about how the child would react to being left with people they haven’t seen for so long.