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Original poster

Grandparents will not have grandchild - AIBU

162 replies

Autumnisbeautiful1 · 16/02/2023 19:40

Hi there, we are moving from UK to Australia in a few weeks, myself, husband and 2 Yr old son. I have a job with international travel meaning I am due in X European city in August (5 months after we depart). I suggested to my parents I come back with my son and we stay with them the week before I'm due in Europe, they have him for the 5 days I'll be working in Europe and then I come back for another week or whatever best suits their schedule. They are completely up a height at me asking and in fact really angry and say I'm being unreasonable asking them to have my son for the 5 days I'm away. I totally get it would be hardwork for them but considering they see us every week atm and won't see us for at least 8 months if I don't bring him back with me in August I thought this was a great opportunity to see each other and especially him spending time with grandparents. They have never had him overnight, we see them every week a few times for an hour or two each time. My mum is always stressed and must have undiagnosed anxiety despite having everything she could want for years. I feel like my dad would do it without hesitation if my mum said yes but agrees whatever she says, which I guess is good for their relationship. I completely understand I can't rely on my parents for childcare and never have but just thought this was too good an opportunity to turn down I.e. my flights are pretty much paid for etc.
Thanks for your thoughts.

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Glitterandmud · 16/02/2023 20:01

I think 2 is a difficult age, it was a nice thing to offer to do so they could spend time with him but possibly with you overseas, his dad on the other side of the world it's just a bit much responsibility.

If he was a few years older then yes it would have been a great opportunity.

Original poster

Autumnisbeautiful1 · 16/02/2023 20:03

My parents are 60.
They are the only people I'd feel comfortable leaving him with, they are brilliant players of games, so loving etc so v confident he would have a lovely time with him.
Yes I did that flight with my son in September.
My mum is lovely and I love her so much so please don't take me wrong, I have worded it naively/poorly and apologise for any offense caused. She has some things going on for sure, we encourage her so much, she lacks a great deal of confidence.
Yes, my son would be away from dad for 3 weeks which is a bit longer than usual but not out the norm with my husbands jobs.
Your completely right about the time zone, was wild for around 4 nights in September 😆

OP posts:

TomatoSandwiches · 16/02/2023 20:04

I think it was a nice idea but obviously impractical travel wise and how your mother is.
I bet she will secretly be feeling upset at herself that she can't cope with it but would love to be capable.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds Families General parenting

Original poster

Autumnisbeautiful1 · 16/02/2023 20:04

Agree about his age and they've also said this x

OP posts:

plumduck · 16/02/2023 20:06

You are bang out of order

SettingPrecedents · 16/02/2023 20:07

Could this be not so much about the request as it is about them being emotional about you moving away and it coming out a bit mixed up?

Namethattune56 · 16/02/2023 20:07

It’s also probably a little much for your son who is relocating to a new country. New home, new nursery etc. To then have that god awful flight again in under 6 months. Too much upheaval

SunshineAndFizz · 16/02/2023 20:09

40 hour flight. Jet lag. Months without seeing grandparents. They've never had him overnight.

Nah.

Summerfun54321 · 16/02/2023 20:10

Your posts make it sound like you have absolutely no comprehension of how disruptive all your moving and travel plans will be for a 2 year old. Chances are he will be a ball of pure emotion and there will be lots of regression like night waking and clinginess.

WimpoleHat · 16/02/2023 20:11

Look - it’s a nice idea, but I don’t think I’d be overjoyed at the thought of having sole responsibility for a jet lagged toddler that I don’t actually know that well for 5 days. And one who’s going to be missing his mum to boot! Totally different kettle of fish from you going with him on a visit. It’s quite a tall order really.

RedToothBrush · 16/02/2023 20:12

PinkDaffodil2 · 16/02/2023 19:44

They’ve never had him overnight, your Mum is always stressed / anxious, so you thought 5 nights on their own with him (when they’ve not seen him for 5 months?) was a reasonable suggestion?

A jet lagged toddler in a strange place, with people he has no memory of?

Grandparents who are probably devastated at the prospect of grandchildren leaving and not being able to see. Then being expected to do the emotional heartache for a week only for him to disappear again at your convenience?

No consideration that your mum may have genuine reasons for being anxious which your dad understands but you aren't party to and are utterly unsympathetic and dismissive of?

Grandparents who haven't done a overnight before...

Yeah what here about what you suggest is thought through with any consideration to anyone but your own self and sense of guilt for moving to the other side of the world?

Just y'know checking you've got an ounce of common sense in there.

Original poster

Autumnisbeautiful1 · 16/02/2023 20:15

Yes it could well be a mix of emotions, however anytime I ask them to have him there's a hullabaloo to be honest you're all right it was naive to ask, I am far too optimistic they'll change their mind one day and have him for longer than a few hours.
Please don't say I'm bang out of order, this would be the case if I had forced it upon them but it wasn't or is ever like that yet their reaction is wild.
They keep saying they need to do things for themselves now we are moving which makes me cross because they don't do much for myself or sister as it is. It's all a bit messed up I think. I am honestly extremely against controversy so when they said they were angry I'd asked I apologised but then they have kept going on that I should not ask and now they feel guilty for saying no even though I've expressed they should not feel that way because I understand. even though in some way I don't because I think I'd be like my PIL and jump at this.
My PIL would jump at this opportunity but my son doesn't know them very well as they live at the other end of the country and I wouldn't risk him being v upset with them. We are all different.

OP posts:

Mischance · 16/02/2023 20:16

My mum is always stressed and must have undiagnosed anxiety despite having everything she could want for years.

I am sorry, but this shows a complete misunderstanding about what mental health problems are. You can be anxious or depressed or psychotic or any other illness you care to name, whilst still having everything you could want.

What she probably wants is to feel well and free of anxiety.

Summerfun54321 · 16/02/2023 20:17

There's a good chance your 2 year old won't really remember them and their house in 6 months, let alone want to stay there without you.

SleepingisanArt · 16/02/2023 20:19

There is a world of difference with you 'staying overnight' with them so that he can get used to it and leaving him for 5 days whilst you are in a different country. What if he gets hurt or can't be consoled because he thinks he's been abandoned? Will you leave work to get back? How long will that take you?

Babyboomtastic · 16/02/2023 20:19

I don't think you were wrong to ask.
I don't understand why they'd be angry.

But equally, i think it's their right to say no.

I do think it sad that they are turning down the opportunity to see him for 3 weeks because of that 5 day period, but that's their call.

Starlitestarbright · 16/02/2023 20:22

You're completely tone deaf even considering this.

PinkPomeranian · 16/02/2023 20:23

My mum is always stressed and must have undiagnosed anxiety despite having everything she could want for years.

YABVU for this alone.

Original poster

Autumnisbeautiful1 · 16/02/2023 20:24

Please share advice how we can get my mum help?
This clearly the bigger issue here.
My dad takes a verbal battering from her all day long. He shares with me it makes him feel alone but he does not want to upset her so does not say anything back. None of us ever say anything controversial to her because she flies off the handle.

OP posts:

Isithotinhere · 16/02/2023 20:27

I don't think you were out of order to ask them, and they seem to have over-reacted by being annoyed to be asked.

It's a pity they won't do it, but they lose out on the relationship with your son, and with you, as you won't be spending as much time with them.

Would your PIL mind him in the country you're visiting for work? If you rent an apartment/house they could come and stay and spend the days with your son - hopefully in a place that's good to visit!

Bluetrews25 · 16/02/2023 20:28

Does she actually want any help?
If she does, then it's going to be GP, online CBT, counselling type stuff. But she has to want to change for anything to work, really.

harriethoyle · 16/02/2023 20:28

Your attitude towards your mum is awful. She's a problem to be fixed? Work on yourself first. You need it far more.

Starseeed · 16/02/2023 20:30

Please share advice how we can get my mum help?

You don’t. It wasn’t unreasonable for you to ask a big favour, but it’s also not unreasonable for them to say no. That their reaction has been big suggests there might have been some entitlement in the way you asked?

Whatever went on though, they’ve said no, so you’re going to have to make other plans.

Have you thought about what’s in your son’s best interests? Probably staying at home with dad where he can at least have his usual routine even though you’re away?

N4ish · 16/02/2023 20:32

Really not a good idea for anyone involved especially your son. He has a big change coming up with you moving countries so the last thing he’ll need a few months after that is a long flight and a 5 night stay with people he barely knows.

RedToothBrush · 16/02/2023 20:34

PinkPomeranian · 16/02/2023 20:23

My mum is always stressed and must have undiagnosed anxiety despite having everything she could want for years.

YABVU for this alone.

Especially in the context of her day and grandson moving to the other side of the world...

What's she got to be anxious of? She got everything she wants?

And yes even if she did, that's not what anxiety and low confidence is about - an apparently stress free life doesn't mean no reason to be anxious, because that's not what anxiety is.

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