Grandparents will not have grandchild - AIBU

[Autumnisbeautiful1]

Hi there, we are moving from UK to Australia in a few weeks, myself, husband and 2 Yr old son. I have a job with international travel meaning I am due in X European city in August (5 months after we depart). I suggested to my parents I come back with my son and we stay with them the week before I'm due in Europe, they have him for the 5 days I'll be working in Europe and then I come back for another week or whatever best suits their schedule. They are completely up a height at me asking and in fact really angry and say I'm being unreasonable asking them to have my son for the 5 days I'm away. I totally get it would be hardwork for them but considering they see us every week atm and won't see us for at least 8 months if I don't bring him back with me in August I thought this was a great opportunity to see each other and especially him spending time with grandparents. They have never had him overnight, we see them every week a few times for an hour or two each time. My mum is always stressed and must have undiagnosed anxiety despite having everything she could want for years. I feel like my dad would do it without hesitation if my mum said yes but agrees whatever she says, which I guess is good for their relationship. I completely understand I can't rely on my parents for childcare and never have but just thought this was too good an opportunity to turn down I.e. my flights are pretty much paid for etc.
Thanks for your thoughts.

Each to their own I guess. I’m 62, got one grandkid so far. I just think I’d always prioritise seeing family over anything else in my life, I can’t get my head around if they lived abroad and you’ve got chance to spend 5 days with them you’d turn that down.

I don’t find it depressing, just normal that social life slows down. I go out quite a bit but it’s very different to what I’d have done 30-40 years ago, and if something family related came up I’d rearrange things with my friends

if something family related came up I’d rearrange things with my friends

You’ll be stuffed if they fuck off to Australia then.

It is easy for strangers on the internet to call you names.

In your shoes i might well have suggested similar to my mum (who would love it) and if anything is over involved but i would never suggest it to my mil (she is anxious/depressed and not hands on with our DD) she doesnt know how to meet the needs of others. All she wants to play a bit when DD is happy/cute and take selfies of her and Dd in fancy outfits she can show her friends.

You need to accept the reality of your situation and actively manage your mother.
You cant "help" her you can only help yourself.

We as a husband/wife team dont reward bad behaviour. On that basis I'd come alone and do the 5 day trip and then get back to my child (no trip to parents at all)
And that would be final.

I'd also engineer time to speak to your father separately from your mother and try to develop individual relationships with them.
Your father also sounds like he is enabling your mother.

I think it’s unreasonable to have your child travel so far for 5 days. my husband and I have both had to work away for a week or two at a time and we always just cover childcare for each other- the kids are always a bit kicked off as it is to have one of us away, so expecting them to go stay elsewhere would probably be quite overwhelming.

I think it’s fair enough for grandparents to decline requests for childcare. My own mum isn’t really one for babysitting. I have an auntie and a sister who always babysit if we do ask but it’s generally once or twice a year for date nights then just for emergencies. I wouldn’t expect them to do it for 5 days.

This!!

Even if they were close to your son and well practiced with having overnights, 5 days with a 2yo is a huge ask.

the reality is that they aren’t going to be close. Your son is going to consider them strangers. He is going to be tired and in an unusual place with an upset routine. It’s the absolute worst setup for even one night of babysitting.

You are taking a 2 year old to a new life in a new country.

Then just as he settles you want to bring him on a 24 hour journey to dump him with people who will be virtual strangers by then and who have never had him overnight while you leave the country?

On top of that depending on the dates you are bringing him from an Oz spring to a cold wet England.

Your poor child, leave him home with dad.

Lots of posters saying you were not unreasonable to ask, however you say in a previous post that it always causes a hullabaloo when you ask.
In that case I’d suggest you’re maybe being unreasonable to keep asking.

You never know, they might actually end up offering on another occasion when the opportunity arises. Some people don’t like the pressure of being asked and with your mum’s anxiety that could be a factor. But give them space and take the pressure off and they feel able to offer to have your son at some point. Less opportunity now with the move abroad I know, but if there are future work trips that you mention they may ask “Will you bring DS? We’d love to spend some time with him.”

It may be that they would like to help you, but are scared of something going wrong on their watch, especially for 5 days, it's not just an overnight.
Maybe they think he's going to run off, open the front door, become unconsolable idk & they'd rather just say no. That's what I'd think.
(I'm always a little bit on edge when I'm looking after someone's else child.)

As well as being worried about the practicalities, they might be miffed that your wanting to see them is tied to them doing you an enormous favour.

@Autumnisbeautiful1 Perhaps you should spend some time with your pil’s so that you can leave your ds with them.
It’s very unfair to leave them out if they’re willing.
And your dm sounds controlling.

You're asking a woman who has never had a young toddler overnight, or without you being there, to have him 5 nights and expected them to jump at it? You are being pretty unreasonable here, and what your mother may or may not have, doesn't mean that she shouldn't and can't have some undiagnosed anxiety, MH concerns. I'm more surprised at your assumption she would be good with it.

Obviously they don't view it as the same great opportunity you do. Nothing wrong with suggesting it but asking them to have a jet-lagged 2 year old for five days is asking a lot of them and the child. Maybe they don't like that you assumed they'd be available and wouldn't have other plans? You have your answer anyway. They don't want to do it.

Up a height?!?!?!

You are asking way too much of your parents and of your tiny son!

YABVU and I feel desperately sorry for your poor mum

I'm a grandmother to a 9 month old amd a three year old. In in UK and they're in NZ. I would do this at the drop of a hat. Anything to spend time with my precious grandkids who are so far away.

So I'm with you. However, anxiety is a tough one. And as sad as it is she won't see him again this year exceptin video calls, thanks to which he won't have forgotten them.

As a woman 2 years younger than her parents I can assure you we do have other things going on in our lives 🤣🤣🤣

My mum would have jumped at the chance, OP. You’re getting a very hard time on here, but I don’t think you were unreasonable to ask, per se.

However, you said in a later post that every time you suggest an overnight, there’s a hullabaloo. I think that’s the word you used. Knowing that, I think you must have known it was unlikely that your offer would go down well, but we’re perhaps hoping your mum (and dad) would come to their senses about your mum’s anxiety, which sounds like it is out of hand to the point where it is negatively affecting both your parents and your relationship with them.

That your mum won’t seek help from a doctor must be incredibly frustrating. I understand people with mental health problems sometimes can’t see it logically enough to realise they need help, but watching it is awful.

I hope that, for her family’s sake, your mum will eventually get the help she needs and I also hope the move goes smoothly for you. It was nowhere near as far, but we moved away from the UK and my three year old son coped absolutely fine. Indeed it was less of an upheaval for him than it was for my older children who had started school. Good luck with it all.

100 percent

Can't say I blame them tbh

Was your mum always this way OP?

My ex-MIL was never as bad as this, but there was a terrible dynamic between her and my ex-FIL. He’d always looked after her, but also scorned her for not coping with things and she was permanently anxious despite (or perhaps because of) having nothing much to worry about.

I used to wonder whether it was fixed in her personality, or whether, if he’d encouraged her to cope, rather than rushing in and taking over, it would never have got so bad. By the time I knew them, the dynamic was fixed and there was no question of anyone asking for help.

Your parents’ situation sounds way more extreme though. Does your dad want her to seek help, but she won’t, or are they both locked into this dynamic?

There's obviously no obligation for them to provide childcare, but I think as a one off thing it's very selfish to say no.

It’s fine that you asked and I can see your thinking, but they made their decision. Just accept it and move on. I’d be saying tl them, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset yoi, this was my thinking…’ Etc.

This. Exactly.