Grandparents will not have grandchild - AIBU

[Autumnisbeautiful1]

Hi there, we are moving from UK to Australia in a few weeks, myself, husband and 2 Yr old son. I have a job with international travel meaning I am due in X European city in August (5 months after we depart). I suggested to my parents I come back with my son and we stay with them the week before I'm due in Europe, they have him for the 5 days I'll be working in Europe and then I come back for another week or whatever best suits their schedule. They are completely up a height at me asking and in fact really angry and say I'm being unreasonable asking them to have my son for the 5 days I'm away. I totally get it would be hardwork for them but considering they see us every week atm and won't see us for at least 8 months if I don't bring him back with me in August I thought this was a great opportunity to see each other and especially him spending time with grandparents. They have never had him overnight, we see them every week a few times for an hour or two each time. My mum is always stressed and must have undiagnosed anxiety despite having everything she could want for years. I feel like my dad would do it without hesitation if my mum said yes but agrees whatever she says, which I guess is good for their relationship. I completely understand I can't rely on my parents for childcare and never have but just thought this was too good an opportunity to turn down I.e. my flights are pretty much paid for etc.
Thanks for your thoughts.

I would leave him at home , but it's so sad how many grandparents are unhelpful nowadays. I spent lots of time with my DGM growing up . School holidays etc I have very happy memories with her . My own parents have babysat my DD twice for a few hours and she's nearly 10!!!! Then they wonder why adult DC don't have as much contact.

Snap!

Every set of grandparents are different. My in-laws would jump at the chance. My mum on the other hand does not like to be asked and has made it very clear she never wanted grandchildren.

Re your mum, unless she is open to the idea of therapy or medication, speaking from similar experience it is so difficult to help or suggest that. Unless she sees a problem and wants to change in herself

I imagine your mum’s anger is fuelled by the fact that she feels guilty that she is unable to have him and anxiety over the move. It’s a really tough situation for you all.

You weren’t unreasonable to ask. Like you say you thought they’d jump at the chance given you’ll be away for a while by that point and that’s a good opportunity for them to see their grandchild. Oh well, if they don’t want to, or don’t think they could cope then fair enough, they can’t complain when they’ve not seen him for ages when they’ve turned down the opportunity of 5 days with him

My brother and SIL moved across the world when their eldest was a toddler, and then had another child overseas. My parents were devastated when they moved away, for reasons that I won’t go into. They’d been very involved in their DGC life and missed them terribly. My DB and SIL came back for visits and would often suggest that my parents could look after the kids for a couple of nights ‘to bond’ while they went away for a holiday. My parents resented it, felt they were being used as babysitters for my brothers benefit, struggled with young children they were no longer close to, who were away from home and jet lagged. I think there was a lot of unspoken resentment from my parents about them moving away and when they came back it was always tense and lots of complaints to the rest of us from both sides.

I imagine your parents feelings might be similar to what PP described above. They are most likely devastated at the prospect of you moving to the other side of the world and now resent the idea that they should gratefully accept any suggestions for spending time together, no matter how difficult it would be for them (as others have already said- jet lagged young child, missing home, missing dad, probably wouldn’t sleep well and possibly very unsettled during the day). Doesn’t sound like a great deal for them.

Yanbu to wish they wanted to and to be disappointed that their answer is no, but you just have to accept their refusal and make other arrangements because you can't force them.

They have definitely overreacted to something that was just floated as an idea/suggestion. I’m guessing they’re angry and hurt about your move to Oz and this is how it’s coming out.

You don’t say how old your parents are, but believe me, however much you love them, once you’re getting on a bit, even 24 hours with a 2 year old can be utterly knackering. Even if they’re well used to you and are happy to be with you - and you have zero MH issues.

If you have a close relationship with your parents then why wouldn’t you ask?? I don’t think you need to apologize unless you were pushing them about it. My parents live overseas and they flew over to watch our 2yr old and 10mo old children for 5 days, in our house, so my husband & I could go on our first holiday in years (when they can’t drive and have never had them overnight before.) They all had the most wonderful time and my husband and I had a lovely break! They stayed another week after so it wasn’t just for childcare of course, but they absolutely could have said no when I mentioned it. Nothing wrong with asking, nothing wrong with refusing, don’t feel bad OP.

I’m a grandmother , wouldn’t have any problem with this. He’s a small child, not a wild tiger! Think your parents will regret their decision.
Good luck with your move, huge but exciting.

Omg hilarious! Yes the quoted poster sounds incredibly young and quite selfish.
Grandparents arnt just sitting around knitting staring at the walls you know!
some love kids and want to look after them again but others have had enough of raising their own kids and finally having reached adulthood have no desire to become constant babysitters. Forming a relationship and spending time with them yes, being constantly asked for favours every week, maybe not.

Errr @Autumnisbeautiful1 were you thinking of staying with them for the whole time you were in the UK? So you are really asking your parents to have you and DS stay for 3 weeks (minus the 3 days)? No wonder they said no if so

My parents love me and my now teenage DCs v much but wouldn't even look after my 1 year old when I was in labour with no 2 as she was getting her hair done.

I think you would be better off getting this moved to Living Overseas. A lack of understanding of what it's like to be away or be the family of someone living away will give you different answers but possibly more in line with where your parents views are at the moment (hopefully that will change once you are gone).

I think your parents are mental for turning down this opportunity to spend time with both of you and their DGC on their own. I'm presuming if you go to Europe on your own you won't add the UK on to minimise time away from your son in which case they'll see neither of you. Good luck with the move and I really hope you get a bit more family support in future.

Same.

I think your 2 year old will find 3 long haul flights in a matter of months quite stressful

I mean I have done it with a 2 year old on my own.

Not Fun.

5 nights is a lot to ask! My parents have my 2 kids overnight once or twice a month. They wouldn't take them for 5 nights though, it's too much. In this situation where they hadn't seen them for months then I know they would but like I say it's a lot to ask.

Also ur 2yr old might be a bit funny with them without u there. Especially as he's never even stayed over himself.

Do you think that your Mum's issue is not anxiety but feeling used? Perhaps she's feeling a bit (a lot) upset that you are moving to the other side of the world but that you might pop back and drop your son off because it's convenient to you for some childrcare? Your 'Can Do' attitude could be coming across as a bit bossy and entitled to her. I would bet that the issue is linked to her feeling some sort of grief at you leaving op. Try and have a heart to heart with her.

Some of these responses are ridiculous. Of course you can ask. I moved overseas with my kids when my youngest was 2. I’m extremely lucky to have parents who are involved and up for adventure. They would have jumped at the chance to have my kids in this scenario. My mum and I would probably hashed out a plan for them to come to Europe. Your child will not have forgotten their grandparents - mine didn’t and their visits were such a highlight (I’m living back in the UK after 5 years).

But having said all of that, I do agree with the posters that saying you might be a little naive about the impact of the move at that age. My child massively regressed for about 6 months and the temper tantrums they had were awful. Absolutely everything they know has changed and it was such an adjustment. I think making a plan like this may be really hard to execute.

Going back to your mother what gives her the right to be so aggressive about the situation? You asked. You didn’t force there was no harm in asking. A huge good luck with the move and navigating your family.

My parents would've bitten my hand off at the chance to look after one of their DGCs in the situation you describe. So YANBU. You'd have thought they would've jumped at the chance to spend time with their GC who lives in Australia.

Some of the responses on here are strange. It's like the grandparents have never had children themselves and taking care of their own GC for a few days would be the hardest most alien thing in the world.

You think it would be 'really sad' that he will forget them but you're moving as far away as you possibly can.

He isn't going to remain 'exceptionally close' once you've moved, you must realise that?

So if I'm correct you are uprooting a two year old to the other side of the world for your work. In 8/9 months time you have a business trip in Europe and are going to combine it with a holiday. Whilst you are away on business, in a different country, you want your parents to solely look after a toddler/small infant, uprooted for a second time and jet lagged.

I think you are conflating business with family life here. This will be too much for your ds and too much for your parents to look after an unsettled child.

Your ds needs either to look after him in your new home and you come just for business or your dh joins the workiliday to look after your ds.

I don't have grandchildren yet, nor do I suffer from anxiety. I still have a full-time professional job as does dh. I am rising 63 and don't have the energy I had at 53. There is much more pacing. I wouldn’t look after a two year old gc (hypothetically) I hadn't seen for months who would be unsettled and cranky from the flight, whilst his mother went to Europe on business in a nice hotel, drinks at the bar with colleagues, food served and 8 hours unbroken sleep

I think the suggestion is taking the tiddle

I am guessing you have not travelled with your 2 year old so far before. I am in the uk but from Oz so used to travel regularly to Oz with the kids like every six months since they were 6 months old. No way I would suggest this. Jet lag is a nightmare especially on such young kids with naps -there is anywhere from a 7-10hr time difference. It takes time to resettle kids in sleep routine.

YWNBU it was a nice suggestion, it's a shame your mum has over reacted like this. I've been so lucky with both my parents and in laws. The most amazing involved grandparents anyone could ever ask for. All of us have benefitted from close family ties. We are away at the moment visiting my eldest at university as it's his birthday. All of us together in an enormous air bnb. Close ties with grandparents enhances your life.

Hope you manage to work something out OP.