Grandparents will not have grandchild - AIBU

[Autumnisbeautiful1]

Hi there, we are moving from UK to Australia in a few weeks, myself, husband and 2 Yr old son. I have a job with international travel meaning I am due in X European city in August (5 months after we depart). I suggested to my parents I come back with my son and we stay with them the week before I'm due in Europe, they have him for the 5 days I'll be working in Europe and then I come back for another week or whatever best suits their schedule. They are completely up a height at me asking and in fact really angry and say I'm being unreasonable asking them to have my son for the 5 days I'm away. I totally get it would be hardwork for them but considering they see us every week atm and won't see us for at least 8 months if I don't bring him back with me in August I thought this was a great opportunity to see each other and especially him spending time with grandparents. They have never had him overnight, we see them every week a few times for an hour or two each time. My mum is always stressed and must have undiagnosed anxiety despite having everything she could want for years. I feel like my dad would do it without hesitation if my mum said yes but agrees whatever she says, which I guess is good for their relationship. I completely understand I can't rely on my parents for childcare and never have but just thought this was too good an opportunity to turn down I.e. my flights are pretty much paid for etc.
Thanks for your thoughts.

I know this isn't what you're asking, but it seems so sad that your child is devoted to his grandparents and yet you're moving to the other side of the world so he'll effectively have no relationship with them. My Mum would have been broken if I'd done that. And a consolation 5 days wouldn't have helped at all.

We have just had our 5 yr old DGD to stay for 4 days for half term. We had a great time but she is 5, her 2 yr old brother is no way ready for sleepovers yet. We are planning to start with one night with his sister as well when his mum and dad think he is up for it. I don't think your mum's anxiety about this is misplaced.

I don't think you are unreasonable to ask, and I see your logic. But if they don't want to, they don't want to. And the idea of a flight to Australia and back alone with a two year old fills me with horror!

i can never understand why any grandparent would turn something like this down, it’s not like they’re out clubbing or anything is it, they’ve got nothing more important in their lives than grandkids.

They’ll probably come round to the idea once they get used to not seeing him, right now they’re focusing on it being work rather than the fun aspects. My dad was very similar, loved a good moan but would always back down in the end and avoid cutting off his nose to spite his face

Do you have any other relatives and friends who would like to spend time with your son so there's less pressure on your parents?

My two year old nephew would struggle to stay with his Grandmother 5 days and she sees him all the time & he sleeps over regularly (with his mum and brother). I also think he would struggle being away from his parents and would really miss them. So it’s a No from me OP.

I'm not sure this is one or the other. Your parents aren't being unreasonable to say no. You weren't unreasonable to ask.

I just think it's all very sad - but mostly sad that your parents got so angry for you even asking, when you clearly had nice intentions.

I mean - I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be posting here if your Mum had simply said, 'oh darling, I'm just not sure I have the energy to look after a 2yr old for 5 days'.

I don’t think you’ve done anything that you need to apologise for, but ultimately if it’s a no you need to accept that. It probably was a bit of an unrealistic suggestion and given you’re the one moving away, you might need to be guided by your parents on how future plans should go rather than trying to shoehorn them into arrangements that are convenient for you, however well intentioned.

My brother and SIL moved across the world when their eldest was a toddler, and then had another child overseas. My parents were devastated when they moved away, for reasons that I won’t go into. They’d been very involved in their DGC life and missed them terribly. My DB and SIL came back for visits and would often suggest that my parents could look after the kids for a couple of nights ‘to bond’ while they went away for a holiday. My parents resented it, felt they were being used as babysitters for my brothers benefit, struggled with young children they were no longer close to, who were away from home and jet lagged. I think there was a lot of unspoken resentment from my parents about them moving away and when they came back it was always tense and lots of complaints to the rest of us from both sides.

My mum also suffers from anxiety that has never been treated and my only advice there is that there is very little you can do if she doesn’t want to seek help herself.

I am a nanna of a 2 year old & both myself & DH would have no issue to have her to ourselves for 5 days but we've had her overnight with us since she was only 3 months old.

That seems like a big ask and an overall terrible idea to be honest!

I can see why you suggested it. Australia to the UK is a massive distance....I can see why you'd want to capitalise on every opportunity if you're flying over. A two year old for five days though is pretty knackering. There's not much you can do now...your mum has made her feelings clear

Not so much as less pressure on them the poor child's needs should be uppermost here. He probably wouldn't be happy at being dumped on various relatives and friends to give GPs a break. He will be without his mum for 5 days. He needs his dad in his comfortable and known home not ferried around the world.

I'd have done the same as you, OP, and I don't understand the level of vitriol being hurled in your direction. There was absolutely nothing wrong in you asking, and I'm incredulous at how angry your parents seem to be about it.

That said, I am also dealing with an anxious, angry mother who refuses to help herself, so my sympathies are very much with you.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time @Autumnisbeautiful1.

You're going to be in Australia, you're not going to want to do the trip that frequently so if he doesn't come with you they don't get to see him, but if no one looks after him while you work you can't bring him with you! You tried to do something nice. They're also not unreasonable for not wanting to do it, but have to accept that means they won't see him at all, and they'll see you less as I imagine you won't want your trip to be the full 3 weeks if your son isn't with you.

I'd draw a line under it, say you're sorry the offer upset them, and that you will come see them for a couple of days alone after the work trip ends and they'll hopefully be able to see son at Christmas/in 2024 when you next come back as a family (I assume that based on moving in a few weeks and won't see them for at least 8 months otherwise). An apology, but make it clear you will not be bringing him now so they don't try turn it round on you later.

They can say no to your suggestion.
However, would flying to visit them mean more time away from your child?
I would let them know you will not bring your son, so they are not disappointed last minute.

Totally agree with this. It was worth asking, makes total sense. Just go for a few days or not at all, whichever is easiest for you.

i can never understand why any grandparent would turn something like this down, it’s not like they’re out clubbing or anything is it, they’ve got nothing more important in their lives than grandkids.

Have you met any actual grandparents recently rather than the ones from fairy stories who sit in rocking chairs waiting for little red riding hood to show up. The ones I know are real life adults who adore their grandchildren and also have busy lives with work, friends, volunteering, doing university courses etc. God some of them might even go to concerts or clubs - mad.

OP, I think it was a bit of a bonkers idea (the jet lag alone for your 2 year old would make it really difficult) but I can see why you were upset by your mother's anger. Do you think she is maybe actually upset about your move, is worried about not seeing you every week, and has transferred that anxiety and worry onto this request?

Rubbish. 2 year olds have great memories and there's no chuff forgetting with regular video calls.

I think it would be such an upheaval time for your son . It is such a long journey for such a short time, plus the return trip . Jet lag and staying with grandparents that he never has stayed with before is adding more stress for him . He is better off staying with his dad in my opinion, till he’s older and understands better .

Couldn’t agree more @been and done it.

@Autumnisbeautiful1 gosh I'm really surprised by the majority of responses here! I'd have thought they would bite your hand off at the chance of a visit and some time with their grandchild. Completely get your thinking but apparently in the minority. Think I'd be offended if I were in your position tbh.

Sorry I wouldn't do it with any of ours as firstly they've never had him nights secondly a 2 year old for 5 nights to an older couple seems a lot to ask, thirdly it's not your mums fault the anxiety, mine is diagnosed and it can be a proper bane of my life even tho I try to fight it off and also the chances of your so settling after no practice staying is probably high. So personally if it was ours I wouldn't have asked 🙂

i can never understand why any grandparent would turn something like this down, it’s not like they’re out clubbing or anything is it, they’ve got nothing more important in their lives than grandkids

😮

Everyone in my family for the last 3 generations has had grandkids when they’re around 60. Most people are pretty much retired by then, or winding down to it. Jobs and social life are definitely less important than family at that age, or maybe that’s just me.

I doubt that many 60 year olds do university courses, what’s the point, costs a fortune and your career is over/almost over. And the older you get the less you want to go out to busy overcrowded social occasions

Sue I am nearly 60 and if I am certainly not wanting to stay home out of busy overcrowded social occasions. I do take university courses (colleges near us offer good deals to older members of the community).

Mind you nor did I go clubbing in my 20s.

My parents at 60 were lively, vibrant and engaged people (also working) - as they were right throught their 70s.

I don't know how old you are but don't you find it a bit depressing that you expect that at age 60 you'll have no real interests other than your grandchildren? What if you don't have grandchildren?