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I’ve smacked 4 year old and feel terrible

275 replies

Cantwait4summer94 · 16/02/2023 15:58

My son who is four is playing up a lot for me recently, he is absolutely brilliant for everyone else who looks after him but for me he is becoming more challenging.
he kept pushing his baby sister who is nearly 11 months and wouldn’t stop even when I asked. He then threw something heavy at my face and I’m sure I’m going to have a black eye tomorrow. I got up and slapped him but it wasn’t just once. he has since said ‘I’m so sorry mummy’ but my behaviour was out of order

OP posts:
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threecupsofteaminimum · 16/02/2023 19:39

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Snoken · 16/02/2023 19:41

threecupsofteaminimum · 16/02/2023 19:32

We've all done it. Mumming is hard. Don't beat yourself up.

Nope never, and I was never hit as a child either. Where I am from a child would be removed from your care if it came out that you hit them, regardless of leaving marks or not. It is honestly not OK to treat people like that.

Snoken · 16/02/2023 19:43

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OP said she hit him not just once... That would be repeatedly then.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Coffeellama · 16/02/2023 19:43

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katenutzs · 16/02/2023 19:45

Stop beating yourself up over it. I am sure your son will survive a one off slap and still grow up well adjusted, I remember my Mum running after me with wooen spoon and oftem broke it on the stairs but I survived and managed to being my 4 kids up ok, Still love my Mum to bits

Coffeellama · 16/02/2023 19:46

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threecupsofteaminimum · 16/02/2023 19:47

I was trying to reassure her.

Please go forth and multiply, you're very clearly an abusive person.

threecupsofteaminimum · 16/02/2023 19:47

threecupsofteaminimum · 16/02/2023 19:47

I was trying to reassure her.

Please go forth and multiply, you're very clearly an abusive person.

@Coffeellama

Supertayto · 16/02/2023 19:50

It may seem counterintuitive, but make an effort to spend regular quality 1 on 1 time with your older child if you are able to. The difference in their behaviour will hopefully be quite dramatic. This worked for me when my second came along. Also trying to remember that all of their behaviour means something and is trying to express a feeling or elicit a response. My personal view is that very young children are rarely dicks for the sake of being dicks.

Dogsarebetterthanhumans · 16/02/2023 19:53

There seems to be some confusion about the law on this. Without knowing more detail and assuming no marks were left, I am with @bellac11 and hope the following expansions will be helpful.

The following does not constitute ‘legal advice.’

There are various types of offence. Some offences are ‘strict liability’ offences, meaning that if you do it; you are automatically guilty as charged. There are really no defences to these offences. An example is being caught driving without insurance. Even if it’s a marginal case, you can’t go to the court and say, ‘Please Judge, it only lapsed yesterday and I renewed it as soon as I realised.’ If you’re caught driving without insurance on a public road, you’re guilty of driving without insurance.

Some offences however, you can raise a defence to. A defence laid out in s58 of the Children Act is that of ‘reasonable chastisement’. This is only a defence to Common Assault, which is the most minor form of assault. There is no defence to any of the more serious types of assault for obvious reasons.

If charged with common assault against a child therefore, one can go before the court and raise the defence of ‘reasonable chastisement’. This leaves no marks, bruises, cuts or scratches, is done with an open hand away from the face and without the use of any implement such as a belt or spoon.

There is no chastisement defence for inflicting more serious harm on a child, so assault occasioning actual bodily harm, grievous bodily harm, or wounding.

Police, teachers, social workers and lawyers get to know the thresholds and these are not necessarily where our moral thresholds lie. Cases that are charged will tend to be above the level of common assault for the reasons explained above. To those saying the OP is guilty of assault, in my personal view, it is likely based on what we know that she would succeed in a defence of reasonable chastisement. (I have already expressed my own moral views separately and elsewhere and wished the OP well.)

Hope this clarifies.

Thinkbiglittleone · 16/02/2023 19:58

It's horrible the thought of you smacking your 4 year old "more then once", that's a loss of control.

You are trying to teach your child not to be violent towards their smaller more vulnerable relative whom they should be loving towards, by doing exactly that. There is never an excuse for violence towards a child IMO.

Walk away next time. Ensure he is in a safe place and take 5 minutes to get a hold of yourself and then put him in his room, take his toy off him, ban his TV for the day, but don't be violent towards to him.

Coffeellama · 16/02/2023 20:07

threecupsofteaminimum · 16/02/2023 19:47

@Coffeellama

No, I was trying to help OP, and I’ve never hit my children. You attacked me, if anyones abusive here it’s you.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 16/02/2023 20:07

I would have done the same and would not have been the least bit ashamed of it. Your son needs to know that violence towards a much younger child will not be tolerated.

MamaCanYouBuyMeABanana · 16/02/2023 20:12

TheFretfulPorpentine · 16/02/2023 20:07

I would have done the same and would not have been the least bit ashamed of it. Your son needs to know that violence towards a much younger child will not be tolerated.

How does that teach anything?

Showing a 4yo not to hit a much younger and weaker person by hitting a much younger and weaker person.

That's reinforcing his behaviour, not stopping it.

NeedToChangeName · 16/02/2023 20:13

Movingsoon21 · 16/02/2023 16:01

Unpopular view on here but I bet he won’t do it again. Some children need to be shown they are not boss. As long as you didn’t thump him?

you know it’s not good to lose your cool but sometimes behaviour is too bad for the gentle “why did you hit your sister? Is it because you are feeling sad?” approach.

@Movingsoon21 I'm shocked by your approach. Woukd you offer the same advice to a man who assaulted his wife?

VivaVivaa · 16/02/2023 20:13

TheFretfulPorpentine · 16/02/2023 20:07

I would have done the same and would not have been the least bit ashamed of it. Your son needs to know that violence towards a much younger child will not be tolerated.

How is he going to learn that violence from older people will not be tolerated if he is met with…well…violence from an older person?

Snoken · 16/02/2023 20:14

TheFretfulPorpentine · 16/02/2023 20:07

I would have done the same and would not have been the least bit ashamed of it. Your son needs to know that violence towards a much younger child will not be tolerated.

Oh the irony. Teaching your son not to be violent towards someone smaller by being violent towards someone smaller. Can you not see how flawed that way of thinking is?

Coffeellama · 16/02/2023 20:17

TheFretfulPorpentine · 16/02/2023 20:07

I would have done the same and would not have been the least bit ashamed of it. Your son needs to know that violence towards a much younger child will not be tolerated.

By that logic your DH should beat you to teach you that ‘violence towards a much younger child won’t be tolerated’

Its good that OP feels bad, itl help her not to do it again.

SparkyBlue · 16/02/2023 20:17

OP some completely over the top responses on here. It is very obvious you are totally shocked and horrified that you hit your little boy but you reacted to an incident where you were physically hurt yourself and got a bit of a shock. I remember once I was on the floor picking up shoes and DD on the couch kicked me in the face and I slapped her leg away as I was actually really physically hurt and it was weird shocked reflex to get her leg away from me. I would never ever deliberately hurt or hit my children and I'm sure you are the same. It was a once off event that has left you very shaken and unsure of yourself as a mother but I assure you the fact that it has upset you shows how good a mother you are. Move on from it and learn from it . Just remove yourself from the situation the next time and count to ten. I often just put on the kettle to distract myself by actually doing something

Moonshine160 · 16/02/2023 20:20

I have never smacked my child however I have been very, very close to doing so when my buttons are pushed and I’m very overwhelmed. Which is exactly what has happened in this situation. No, it wasn’t ok and I think you need to apologise to your child and explain that both yours and his violent behaviour is not acceptable. You are not a bad mum. If you were you wouldn’t have felt the need to post this, I do think people are being harsh on you here. I would, however, come up with a solution or strategy to make sure this doesn’t happen again when your buttons are pushed as now that you’ve done it once it’s likely to happen again. You need to make sure it doesn’t. Mistakes happen and you can move on from this. I agree with PP - the reason his behaviour is worse around you is because you are his safe place and he feels he can let his emotions out around you.

Derbee · 16/02/2023 20:20

Cantwait4summer94 · 16/02/2023 19:39

Thank you 👏

Equally disgusting to assaulting a child, it seems like @Cantwait4summer94 has posted to fish for all the “oh don’t worry” “you’re still a good mum” “how else will he learn” “never did me any harm” comments.

Arguing with the ones pointing out how wrong she is, applauding the ones saying it’s not too bad because she feels bad and her child was misbehaving. Disgusting.

As for the idiot who said “we’ve all done it” - that’s clearly ridiculous. We haven’t all assaulted our small children when we lose our patience. FFS

Proudofitbabe · 16/02/2023 20:21

Movingsoon21 · 16/02/2023 16:01

Unpopular view on here but I bet he won’t do it again. Some children need to be shown they are not boss. As long as you didn’t thump him?

you know it’s not good to lose your cool but sometimes behaviour is too bad for the gentle “why did you hit your sister? Is it because you are feeling sad?” approach.

Yup. Been there, done that.

NCcantthinkofanewone · 16/02/2023 20:24

threecupsofteaminimum · 16/02/2023 19:32

We've all done it. Mumming is hard. Don't beat yourself up.

No we haven't.

Sorry op but multiple times is pretty bad for me

surreygirl1987 · 16/02/2023 20:25

If this was a man saying he'd hit his child multiple times, what would we say?

OP, I've been very close to lashing out at my eldest numerous times. He is such hard work. But you just can't cross that line. You did. And more than once from the sounds of it? This is really worrying and you need to take steps to ensure that this never ever happens again. Extra help with the kids? Counselling? Whatever it takes. Parents should not be hitting their kids.

Thinkbiglittleone · 16/02/2023 20:25

Your son needs to know that violence towards a much younger child will not be tolerated

So @TheFretfulPorpentine by your logic who should use violence towards the OP to teach them violence towards someone much younger will not be tolerated