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Original poster

My sons bully's are coming for a sleep over

481 replies

Clockwise123 · 16/02/2023 12:38

Hi, I desperately need some advice please.
My son was bullied at school and moved schools because of it last year (year 8, age 13). My girlfriends son, same age, is friends with these boys and wants to have them over for his birthday for a sleep over. I do not want them in our home, but my gf insists her son should not miss out.

My son is due to be at his mums, so won't be here. It still doesn't sit right with me though.

We all live together, and share parental responsibility with our children's other parents.

  1. How will my son feel knowing they've been in his home? He will say it's OK if I speak to him about it, but that's the way he is. Never wants to make a fuss, or cause any issues.
  2. I'm not sure how I will feel having these children in our home, knowing what they did to my son.
  3. I could potentially have an issue with my sons mum if/when she finds out that these boys have been in my our home.

I don't want my step son to miss out. It feels really hard to deal with.

It feels like I'm being made to feel like I'm over reacting. The phrase that I keep being told is "it's not all about your son"

Any thoughts or advice? What would you do?

OP posts:
SlightlyJaded · 16/02/2023 15:48

Absolutely Not.

Show your Girlfriend this thread.

TransportedCarla · 16/02/2023 15:55

Put your son first. Not liking the sound of your GF. Bullying is horrible, I wouldn’t have them in my house. It’s your DS’s home and even if he is not there his feelings should be respected. If the bullies haven’t learnt their lesson they may go in your DS bedroom and do some prank or mean thing. Stick to your guns. Sleepovers aren’t essential, let them go out to a bowling alley or pizza restaurant, not welcome in your house. Best of luck.

Saz12 · 16/02/2023 15:58

No chance!

”Missing out” is a consequence of choosing to hang out with the children who beat up his step brother. He could have a sleepover, but not with his step brothers bullies.

Movingsoon21 · 16/02/2023 15:58

How long have you been with GF? If this happened in my house it would be the end of my relationship with GF and I would no longer be living with GF and her son. Please put your son first and don’t make him live with these horrible bully apologists.

Tessasanderson · 16/02/2023 16:00

I bet the house belongs to the girlfriend. Thats why the OP is struggling to put his foot down

Runningonjammiedodgers · 16/02/2023 16:02

viques · 16/02/2023 15:32

Banter? Setting aside the fact that “banter” is the pathetic excuse bullies trot out all the time because it puts the blame firmly back on to the bullied person for not having a sense of humour, not being resilient, misreading the situation etc etc, “banter” is words, and words can’t tear clothing or inflict bruises.

Your gf needs to have a serious talk with her child, he probably doesn’t understand consent issues either.

This.

You need to have your son's back. Girlfriends come and go, you are the only dad your son has. The fact you are not comfortable suggests that you are a good parent, put your foot down on this one.

Also I agree with others, why would you GF want her son to be friends with a child like this? Why would she minimize yours and your sons feelings? Why would her son want to hang out with this kid?

And if I was your son's mum I would be less than impressed to find the bully came to stay at his house.

If it happens (and I hope it doesn't) they need to keep out of your son's room. Put a lock on the door, make it clear. If you DS and DSD share a room then they will need to find somewhere else to have the sleepover, like the living room or dining room.

Gabby8 · 16/02/2023 16:02

Absolutely not- confused as to why your girlfriend would want her son to be friends with them. Tbh I’d be reconsidering the relationship.

Springpetal · 16/02/2023 16:03

Your poor son ,they will be in his room ,touching his stuff ,unless you padlock the door .
i think your gf doesn’t give a shit about your son
your son doesn’t like to make a fuss ,why is that ??? Does he know he won’t get listened to

TheUnutterable · 16/02/2023 16:05

Not sure why this is even a question. The son wouldn't make a fuss, apparently, and the father seems unable to see that the planned situation is fundamentally wrong. Has the son learnt victim behaviours from the father?

AnotherForumUser · 16/02/2023 16:05

Your GF sounds vile and sadly so does her son who has dismissed the bullying because it's been carried out by his friends. Bullying can leave permanent unseen scars on the victim. To expect the victim to accept bullies like this into his home, his safe place is callous and sick. Frankly you need to LTB and focus on your child.

Springpetal · 16/02/2023 16:06

Plus I’ve raised 4 dc ,without neededing any having a sleepover,aren’t they a bit old for that ?
it’s normal primary school kids that have them .
wouldn’t surprise me if it was a way to keep the bullying going …seems very odd to me ,secondary school boys wanting a sleep over in the home of the kid they bullied …yeah definitely they are getting a kick out of it

Springpetal · 16/02/2023 16:07

No safe place left ,once they have been in his home …at least he’s safe at his mums

Marblessolveeverything · 16/02/2023 16:12

Hard red line no way would I agree to have children responsible for bullying my child in their home - does your GF own the home with you? either way not a chance of the bully coming across my door step.

Bigger picture why on earth are you with someone who is either raising a bully or raising someone who sides with a bully?

Mummysatthebodyshop · 16/02/2023 16:15

Jux · 16/02/2023 12:45

I wouldn't trust them having access to his things.

This

REP22 · 16/02/2023 16:17

I am sorry you are in this situation. But please, please don't betray your son's trust by allowing this child into your home. I can't imagine how devastated and humiliated he will feel when he finds out.

Can't they have a pizza party out somewhere without having a sleepover? Or would one of the other boys' parents be prepared to host the sleepover at theirs as a last resort?

And I'm really sorry but this would also give me serious pause for thought on your GF's judgement and compassion. Your son deserves better than having his tormentors partying in his home - and if I was his mum I'd be livid too.

WednesdaysPlaits · 16/02/2023 16:17

Your DSS would not be missing out. He would simply not be having his friends to sleep over. TBH the mere fact that they're still his friends when they've been bullying his step brother would be an issue for me.

Moveoverdarlin · 16/02/2023 16:18

I wouldn’t stand for this in a million years.

Gardengirl108 · 16/02/2023 16:18

‘..her son should not miss out’ - on what, being friends with bullies? What a weird take by your GF. I would suggest asking your GF how she would feel if the situation was reversed and your son was having her son’s bullies overnight in his home. She might say she’d be fine with that - which is another big red flag. Protect your son and his safe, home environment please.

Hotelfoxtrot · 16/02/2023 16:18

Your girlfriend is being hugely unreasonable. This would be a dealbreaker for me.

tonystarksrighthand · 16/02/2023 16:19

100% what others say. Zero respect from your GF and stepson.

There is no way I'd allow them in the house.

Please have your sons back, please be don't let him down, he needs you.

ScottBakula · 16/02/2023 16:21

Not a hope in hell would I allow DS's bullies into the house.
As pp have said its your sons safe space, violating that could have a huge impact on his welfare.

I would also do my level best to stop DSS from been friends with the bullies .

Your GF is prioritising a party over your DS welfare , that doesn't say much for how she feels about him .

Dora33 · 16/02/2023 16:23

That your gf was in your son's life while.this bullying was going on and didn't pull her son up about hanging out with the bullies is disgraceful.
If I was her, I would also be worried about tbe likelihood of their bullying continuing towards other children & her son being involved.
Your home should be your son's safe place and inviting the bullies in for a sleepover is shocking.
I would seriously question your relationship with your gf. Does she have no compassion for your son?

dickdarstardlymuttley · 16/02/2023 16:23

Clockwise123 · 16/02/2023 12:52

Thank you.

They used to be close.
Gf's son denied any bullying took place when we spoke to him about it. Either said it was just banter, or he didn't see anything.

Son came home from school with ripped clothing, bruises etc..so no doubt in my mind

'Gf's son denied any bullying took place when we spoke to him about it. Either said it was just banter, or he didn't see anything.

Son came home from school with ripped clothing, bruises etc..so no doubt in my mind'

You've a major problem here. Are you being bullied? Your GF doesn't seem to be mindful of your sons needs and her son is minimising what happened. It doesn't sound like a safe environment for your son to live in.

ChaToilLeam · 16/02/2023 16:24

No way would these children be allowed in the house. And the GF’s attitude would be an absolute dealbreaker. She doesn’t care.

MaybeSmaller · 16/02/2023 16:31

Absolutely no way.

You don't say whose house it is, but if it's your GFs I would be making plans to leave with your son rather than allow this to go ahead while you are living there. If it's your own house then stand your ground 100%, and hint that maybe your GF and son should be making plans to live elsewhere if this friendship with your son's bullies is to continue.

Your GF clearly doesn't give a crap about your son's feelings and frankly she is gaslighting you as to how big a deal this is.

As to how your son will feel - devastated and violated I imagine. Boys who did terrible things to him are coming to stay in his house, where he should feel safe and protected, and he has no say in the matter! Kids are expected to put up with all kinds of crap so that adults can play happy families and this gives me the rage TBH.

Your step son is not "missing out", not that his feelings should be paramount here. But he can hang out with friends at all sorts of venues or go and sleep over at their houses.

Whose idea was this "sleepover"? - I bet the bullies are salivating at the prospect of being in your son's home and messing with his things.