Doorstepped by angry mum

mummymcphee · 2023-02-12T13:25:50+00:00

Was at home yesterday afternoon enjoying some quiet time without the kids when I looked out to see one of the mums from school marching up my path with her DD 11 who was crying. She wanted to confront my DD for excluding her DD f excluding her and not inviting her to a sleepover during half term. Her DD looked very upset and the mum was demanding we got the girls together on the spot to discuss my DD bullying her daughter. She said a voicemail had been sent from my DD's phone from an older girl telling her not to join them for skateboarding as she wasn't welcome as she had sworn at them all the previous night. I was aware that the DD of angry mum had sworn at the girls and tbh has said some awful things in the past and the school has dealt with it really well. Anyway the mum told me I was pathetic and probably didn't even know where my DD was and that she was going to discuss it all with the head teacher ( for context mum is head of PTA) after half term. She mentioned I was shaking.... I was as I was feeling ambushed in my safe space. TBH I feel sorry for her DD as she seems very unhappy. Any ideas how I should approach this should I email the school ? Everything that has happened took place in half term so I don't know why she is going to them.

IsItBedtimeYetNope · 12/02/2023 13:28

She sounds a total delight.

lamaze1 · 12/02/2023 13:30

Given she is taking it up with the school, yes I'd email the school so they're aware. I'd also be making clear that my daughter has a right to assert her own boundaries and that electing not to invite someone who had sworn at them was ok. I'd also make clear to the school and the parent (if you have her details), you didn't appreciate the aggressive ambush in your own home, that you don't want her to visit again and that if there is next time the police will be called.

OriGanOver · 12/02/2023 13:32

I'd raise it with the school as a child protection issue. How can she be head of the pta and put her dd and your dd in that situation! That's awful!

Lostinplaces · 12/02/2023 13:35

Should have shut the door in her face, fucking lunatic. Complain to the school, she definitely shouldn’t be showing up on parent’s doorsteps intimidating them. She needs sacking from the PTA.

Original poster

mummymcphee · 12/02/2023 13:37

Thanks for replies. What a rubbish start to half term. I will be proactive with the school. The mum concerned doesn't listen or accept that her DD says anything outrageous to her classmates as it's not observed by a grown up so it hasn't happened. I think she is using the voicemail as evidence of some kind but the girl who left the message is not my DD

OP posts:

Karmakamelion · 12/02/2023 13:39

I'm sure coming to your house and shouting at you isn't legal. I would be talking to 111 and saying how she frightened you. Anybody that entitled needs a short sharp shock.
The apple definitely doesn't fall far from the tree in this case

AllTheThingsIWantAreHere · 12/02/2023 13:41

I'd be cautious and check your daughters phone and social media. The older girl using your daughters phone sounds worrying.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 12/02/2023 13:42

Dd broke up with her bf at school.. His dm turned up ranting she was a black belt in katate (the dm not the dd). Poor lad was sat mortified in the car! Apparently he couldn't go back to school as she had made his cry in front of his mates!
They were 12!! Dd came to the door and told her to get a life! We closed the door.
I just look through her at the gate now!!

rubberduckiee · 12/02/2023 13:43

I know this isn't the main point but I would also do a bit of gentle digging as to why the older girl has opted to use your daughter's phone to send a possibly controversial message.

Original poster

mummymcphee · 12/02/2023 13:46

Karmakameliion I was advised by family to call the non emergency police line but I am concerned that will result in the girl who left the voicemail getting spoken to as well. I only heard it once but wasn't really clear and angry mum said you could hear a girl in the background saying that she was a bitch. I didn't hear that. I will make it clear that it can't happen again or the police will be called.

I am a single mum and I think she has singled us out as an easy target. The other girls all have big burly dads at home

OP posts:

ChaToilLeam · 12/02/2023 13:52

Don‘t open the door to this woman in future. She sounds NUTS. And yes, I would speak to the school, as she is not a fit person to head the PTA.

Your daughter shouldn’t be allowing other girls to send voice messages from her phone, have a word to her about that.

EmptyPlaces · 12/02/2023 13:55

mummymcphee · 12/02/2023 13:46

Karmakameliion I was advised by family to call the non emergency police line but I am concerned that will result in the girl who left the voicemail getting spoken to as well. I only heard it once but wasn't really clear and angry mum said you could hear a girl in the background saying that she was a bitch. I didn't hear that. I will make it clear that it can't happen again or the police will be called.

I am a single mum and I think she has singled us out as an easy target. The other girls all have big burly dads at home

I’m barely 5ft 2 and a lone parent so I must be an absolute wet blanket who’s also stupid.

Mistake.

The third time she verbally abused me on the playground as my child refused to play with hers (girls, Y5), she was screeching at the top of her voice and made a real show of herself, whilst I just calmly stood there (like the previous times).

Then I went to the Head, who banned her from the playground for the rest of the term; her child had to be dropped/collected early from the office.

For context, her child had written a note to mine in class, calling her a “dry pussy bitch”. Amongst other equally unpleasant things. I can only imagine what the childs home life is like, being exposed to that sort of language. But that wasn’t my concern.

My concern was my child being verbally abused on a level that even I as an adult had never experienced, which then escalated when I helped her assert boundaries, and resulted in me being screeched at.

I wasn’t the only parent she had approached in that manner either, but it seemed I was the first one to complain.

Original poster

mummymcphee · 12/02/2023 13:59

I understand the comments about how DD is using her phone. She is at her dads this weekend and I will be sitting down with her later to go through everything. The older girl is young for her age and they all skateboard together and was there when angry mums Dd swore at them all.

There is history here angry mum has always been inappropriate with my DD over stepping boundaries measuring her DD back to back against my DD who is very tall. Telling her off for not saying hello or good morning etc

In year 5 angry mums DD was overheard telling classmates that my DD has a disappointing life as we are poor and both my husbands had run off and left me and that I have lots of boyfriends ( my brother and nephew came on the school ) The school handled this really well

OP posts:

2bazookas · 12/02/2023 14:11

God help her if she tries to use "Queen Bee of PTA" as a heavy weight punch to impress the Head/ gain sympathy for foul-mouthed daughter. How ridiculous would that look? She sounds nuts.

The school has no influence and no part to play in the private social lives of pupils outside school hours/in school holidays. Nobody is "obliged" to invite any child to sleepovers (or anything else.

Crossthebridge · 12/02/2023 14:13

Karmakamelion · 12/02/2023 13:39

I'm sure coming to your house and shouting at you isn't legal. I would be talking to 111 and saying how she frightened you. Anybody that entitled needs a short sharp shock.
The apple definitely doesn't fall far from the tree in this case

No wonder the NHS is in such a state, if people are calling them about things like this!

BlueSeaWave · 12/02/2023 14:15

To be honest her daughter was probably crying as she didn’t want to be dragged to speak to your daughter and embarrassed by her mum

Reugny · 12/02/2023 14:15

OP do you get on with your DD's dad in any shape or form?

I mean would he be prepared to stick up for your DD if you made it clear to him that woman and her DD are bullying and attempting to cause other trouble for your DD due to you two not being together?

Then you need to tell him, as if he is prepared to make his presence that woman will back off.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 12/02/2023 14:16

mummymcphee · 12/02/2023 13:46

Karmakameliion I was advised by family to call the non emergency police line but I am concerned that will result in the girl who left the voicemail getting spoken to as well. I only heard it once but wasn't really clear and angry mum said you could hear a girl in the background saying that she was a bitch. I didn't hear that. I will make it clear that it can't happen again or the police will be called.

I am a single mum and I think she has singled us out as an easy target. The other girls all have big burly dads at home

It sounds like the girl who left the voicemail does need talking to.
Check your daughters messages and social media to find out exactly what they've been up to

cansu · 12/02/2023 14:19

The school cannot deal with the angry mum coming to your house.
The messages and issues between her dd and yours seem to have happened out of school? If this is the case, you need to deal with it. This means start checking your dd messages and listening to the older girls messages. Don't assume your dd is innocent because she may not be.
If she comes round again you can of course not answer the door to her.
You can ask the school to keep them apart in lessons.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/02/2023 14:19

the mum was demanding we got the girls together on the spot to discuss my DD bullying her daughter

Somewhat ironic she's calling your daughter a bully.

Stuffynosetime · 12/02/2023 14:24

Karmakamelion · 12/02/2023 13:39

I'm sure coming to your house and shouting at you isn't legal. I would be talking to 111 and saying how she frightened you. Anybody that entitled needs a short sharp shock.
The apple definitely doesn't fall far from the tree in this case

Please don’t do this. The police have enough to do without dealing with calls from people saying they got a fright as another mum shouted at them . The waiting time on 111 is horrendous as it is,and no wonder if folks phone for reasons like this.

blankittyblank · 12/02/2023 14:25

@Crossthebridge No wonder the NHS is in such a state, if people are calling them about things like this!

I think she means 101!

HazyDragon · 12/02/2023 14:27

I would write down everything that has happened and send it to the school, more of an 'FYI' than actually asking them to fix it.

The other mum is behaving terribly and I wouldn't engage with her at all, however I wouldn't completely rule out that your DD and her friends have been being unkind either. It's probably tit for tat 11yo nonsense, but just focus on your own child and her behavior.

I'd also have a serious talk about allowing others to use her phone to send messages and explain that anything coming from her phone is her responsibility, whether she sent it or not.

himdy · 12/02/2023 14:37

Happened to me couple of years back. My dd was away as well, but they communicated online and mother took the wrong impression of the whole thing. When we pulled up the conversation, she could see she's overreacted, but still continued her rant. Now, when we meet at the gates, I pretend I don't know the mother.
Didn't think to call the police at the time, because I didn't think it was a big deal. Although, it did leave me shaking. Girls were 12 at the time.
At this age they are just learning to interact with other people and sometimes mistakes happen.
If my dd's friend did not want to do something, she always gave this excuse: 'Because of my hard life at home'. When they were chatting online and my dd wanted to finish conversation, the other girl didn't want to and my dd wanted to know why. The other girl told her to guess the reason. One of the guesses from my dd was 'because of your hard life at home'- ant this what's triggered girls mother.
My dd nor I knew nothing about their home life at the time- so it wasn't said intentionally, but it made the mother come to my door ranting.
My dd is happy in grammar school now and the other girl is 'homeschooled' at present- so I think it was something there about the hard home life after all.

GoTeamRocket · 12/02/2023 14:40

It must be horrible to have a voice recording of another person calling you a bitch. Especially for an 11 year old, at an age where friendships are so important.

This mum sounds difficult, but I think you are using this to absolve your daughter of any responsibility. I understand she didn't record thr message, but it was her phone.