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Original poster

Doorstepped by angry mum

117 replies

mummymcphee · 12/02/2023 13:25

Was at home yesterday afternoon enjoying some quiet time without the kids when I looked out to see one of the mums from school marching up my path with her DD 11 who was crying.

She wanted to confront my DD for excluding her DD f excluding her and not inviting her to a sleepover during half term.

Her DD looked very upset and the mum was demanding we got the girls together on the spot to discuss my DD bullying her daughter. She said a voicemail had been sent from my DD's phone from an older girl telling her not to join them for skateboarding as she wasn't welcome as she had sworn at them all the previous night.

I was aware that the DD of angry mum had sworn at the girls and tbh has said some awful things in the past and the school has dealt with it really well.

Anyway the mum told me I was pathetic and probably didn't even know where my DD was and that she was going to discuss it all with the head teacher ( for context mum is head of PTA) after half term. She mentioned I was shaking.... I was as I was feeling ambushed in my safe space. TBH I feel sorry for her DD as she seems very unhappy.

Any ideas how I should approach this should I email the school ? Everything that has happened took place in half term so I don't know why she is going to them.

OP posts:
DesertRose64 · 12/02/2023 18:37

OP, I think you may have to accept that your DD and her friend may be capable of not being very nice. It doesn’t excuse what the mother did but this is all sounding rather fishy.

EasterIssland · 12/02/2023 18:42

Don’t cancel the sleepover. Don’t punish your daughter. Other dd will have to learn not everyone wants to play with her. She needs to play with other kids that are happy with her rather than feeling upset about those that don’t want to

rothbury · 12/02/2023 18:44

I can’t get over the fact you answered the door to her!

Houseplantmad · 12/02/2023 18:45

God don't go to the school - they've enough to be dealing with. If you want to do something go straight to the committee of the PTA but don't involve the school. Sleepovers are nothing to do with school.

Inkpotlover · 12/02/2023 18:47

None of what happened has anything to do with school and angry mum will be told that if she raises it as a complaint after half term. It didn't happen in school or in term time. So I'd do nothing apart from have a stern chat with your DD about her letting others use her phone to leave abusive messages. She shouldn't be letting them use her device for bullying, regardless of what the other girl has said in the past.

If the other mum turns up again, just slam the door in her face. She's being such a poor role model for her DD if she thinks she can aggressively dictate who is friends with her.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 12/02/2023 18:48

TBH, as a parent, the voicemail would worry me more than the fishwife.

This is deeply unpleasant behaviour from your child and needs to be addressed. Maybe consider that the child on your doorstep was upset because of your daughter, not because her mum was embarrassing.

Inkpotlover · 12/02/2023 18:49

And don't cancel the sleepover! Don't let angry mum bully YOU into doing that.

Justmehere5 · 12/02/2023 18:51

Isn't this mum bullying you? I get that we all can be protective and react at times, but turning up unannounced is not okay and I'm pretty sure that it would go against guidelines.
She should have contacted you and asked to meet somewhere mutual to discuss things in a mature way.
Year 11 is getting a bit old anyway for this kind of over protection.
Don't contact her - write to the school as others have suggested and tell your daughter to not make any communication either.
Hope it sorts soon. Good luck.

Andsoforth · 12/02/2023 18:53

11 is a very tricky age for girls’ friendships and your dd probably does need some guidance and support in navigating the issues that come up. Don’t be counting on her being completely innocent in this scenario; but also don’t over react either.

DNBU · 12/02/2023 18:55

TBH OP, you both sound like hard work and over-involved in the ins and outs of your tweenage playground dramas - very he said, she said.

You sound a bit wide eyed at the idea your DD could be anything but a little angel, and the other girl’s mum sounds a bit unhinged. Clearly she sees your DD as a bully.

I would suggest talking to other mum, without your kids present, calmly and try smooth it over. You both care your daughters. At the end of the day it’s not appropriate for this grown woman to be reprimanding your kid, but I think you might have to open your mind to the fact your daughter has a part in this, and is clearly making this girl feel bad. Listening to this woman might help in some way? You can choose to involve the school or not - their teachers might have more insight or understanding, and also act as a neutral witness.

Happyher · 12/02/2023 18:55

I would ask for reassurance from the head that as chair of the PTA she won’t have access to any data they may hold on you DD and make it clear that you forbid it

1HappyTraveller · 12/02/2023 18:58

lamaze1 · 12/02/2023 13:30

Given she is taking it up with the school, yes I'd email the school so they're aware. I'd also be making clear that my daughter has a right to assert her own boundaries and that electing not to invite someone who had sworn at them was ok. I'd also make clear to the school and the parent (if you have her details), you didn't appreciate the aggressive ambush in your own home, that you don't want her to visit again and that if there is next time the police will be called.

THIS!!! ☝🏻

1HappyTraveller · 12/02/2023 18:58

Also formal complaint to the school/PTA about this parent’s behaviour

Justmehere5 · 12/02/2023 18:59

Apologies. I thought you said year 11. If they are 11 then still at primary and I can imagine it is awkward with the mum being head of PTA. Girls can be so brutal from now onwards I'm afraid. Best advise your dd to never get involved in these kind if situations if she can help it. They escalate very quickly.

Original poster
mummymcphee · 12/02/2023 19:02

Thanks andsoforth I have discussed it with and DD is not completely innocent here as she has let her phone be used to leave an unpleasant message. She claims she didn't know the girl was going to do this as they were skateboarding and she left the phone with the year 9 girl DD is 11 in year 6. Old enough to know better.

Angry mums Dd has had many parents from the school contacting the class teacher about mean comments and behaviour.

Nobody is 100 % right. However Angry mum has been fixated on my DD for a long time and coming to my home unannounced was out of order.

OP posts:
AllOfThemWitches · 12/02/2023 19:03

If it's any consolation, I had a phone call from the angry mum of my daughter's former friend. The girls are nearly 18 years old ffs.

Winniepoo · 12/02/2023 19:06

Reugny · 12/02/2023 14:15

OP do you get on with your DD's dad in any shape or form?

I mean would he be prepared to stick up for your DD if you made it clear to him that woman and her DD are bullying and attempting to cause other trouble for your DD due to you two not being together?

Then you need to tell him, as if he is prepared to make his presence that woman will back off.

I'm not sure getting her ex husband to intimidate or harrass a mother of one of his DDs classmates is the best advice to be honest 🙄

Lifeisapeach · 12/02/2023 19:08

Sounds like very clear bullying and intimidation going on from your DD’s friend group. I would be more worried about that than someone turning up at the door.

millym102 · 12/02/2023 19:10

GoTeamRocket · 12/02/2023 14:40

It must be horrible to have a voice recording of another person calling you a bitch. Especially for an 11 year old, at an age where friendships are so important.

This mum sounds difficult, but I think you are using this to absolve your daughter of any responsibility. I understand she didn't record thr message, but it was her phone.

Yes, totally agree with this. It's horrible what the mother did. And seems an extreme reaction to just being left out so might there be more that has been going on? This issue of the older girl calling and leaving a message sounds a bit cruel. I teach teenage girls and I would definitely flag that up if if heard about it happening. Especially with the bitch thing in the background. Implies there are multiple people crowding round the phone which does sound like bullying.

Obviously doesn't excuse the mother but I think the child crying probably had to do with more than being embarrassed by her mother.

SweetStrawberry · 12/02/2023 19:10

Why is she only on at your daughter? were they previously friends?

I don't really get this otherwise. And I still don't understand how this girl knows about the sleepover, much less why she would expect to be invited with the amount of bad history between her and the others you've said there is.

HowDoYouOwnDisorder · 12/02/2023 19:10

Being in the PTA does not give mums any powers or privileges 😁

it’s a common misconception on MN that always makes me laugh

she has zero added advantage or power from that

she sounds nuts tbh

Inkpotlover · 12/02/2023 19:10

mummymcphee · 12/02/2023 19:02

Thanks andsoforth I have discussed it with and DD is not completely innocent here as she has let her phone be used to leave an unpleasant message. She claims she didn't know the girl was going to do this as they were skateboarding and she left the phone with the year 9 girl DD is 11 in year 6. Old enough to know better.

Angry mums Dd has had many parents from the school contacting the class teacher about mean comments and behaviour.

Nobody is 100 % right. However Angry mum has been fixated on my DD for a long time and coming to my home unannounced was out of order.

The Y9 girl needs to be made aware of what her behaviour has triggered. I wouldn't be happy with my DD hanging around with someone who's going to use her phone to bully a much younger girl.

Livelovebehappy · 12/02/2023 19:13

Both your daughters have not behaved well, and I know from past experience that when you feel your child has been threatened/bullied, a red mist can come over you, and you can react in the moment. Which is what appears to have happened with this angry mum. If at all possible can’t you both engage with each other and sort this out like adults? I’m sure if you work together, you can both acknowledge both girls involvement with this drama, and avoid either girl feeling miserable. A lot of girls this age are really awful, and bullying both sides can escalate pretty quickly if not nipped in the bud.

Original poster
mummymcphee · 12/02/2023 19:14

Thanks for your comment Lifeisapeach sadly a bit unhelpful. I am waiting for Angry mum to comment. I know it isn't you as any comment from her would take a swipe at my single parent status which is a regular occurrence BiscuitConfused

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 12/02/2023 19:18

Reugny · 12/02/2023 14:15

OP do you get on with your DD's dad in any shape or form?

I mean would he be prepared to stick up for your DD if you made it clear to him that woman and her DD are bullying and attempting to cause other trouble for your DD due to you two not being together?

Then you need to tell him, as if he is prepared to make his presence that woman will back off.

Seriously?? Send round a man to intimidate the mother? Yep, that’s the way to deal with bullying…….🙄