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Original poster

leaving 5 week old , is it to soon?

133 replies

lockdownmummax · 10/02/2023 20:33

My son is 5 weeks 2 days old tomorrow, me and my partner have arranged to go out for Valentine's Day tomorrow, have dinner booked for 5pm and then crazy golf booked for 7pm, planning on going for 1 or 2 cocktails after and to be home for 10ish,
my partners mum is coming over to our house to watch baby and toddler , she is staying the night and will sleep in room with baby and me and my partner will sleep in the other room,
Am I being crazy for doing this?
With my first I actually never had a night out until she was over 1 year old ( covid times)
I'm not going to get drunk just a cocktail or two, and plan on enjoying the nights sleep but if baby is unsettled I will be in the next room, part of me thinks I'm crazy for going out to soon and the other part of me thinks it's only for an evening and I will be in the next room from him through the night?

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tobee · 11/02/2023 05:24

I think it's up to op and how she feels; everyone's different. Sounds to me like op would easily be able to come home early/change arrangements if she wanted to.

AuntSallie · 11/02/2023 05:28

Isthisexpected · 11/02/2023 00:09

Personally I think this is so selfish. The fourth trimester is all about baby adjusting to being outside of the womb and not having your comforting smell, touch and heartbeat at all times. To plan to go out for an hour, fine. But the whole evening and then sleep in a different room and drinking alcohol, it's like you both want a night off from being baby's parents already. You've just had a baby! I am flabbergasted at how insignificant baby's needs are to you.

Fourth trimester is a tool of the patriarchy to keep mothers chained to their newborns. It’s not supported by science at all.

Aldisfinest · 11/02/2023 05:34

Sounds fine to me. You'll be in the next room when you get back so if baby gets too upset, you are there. Ignore some of the posters on this thread. Enjoy yourself !

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Lmgify · 11/02/2023 05:35

Oh you lucky thing to have such supportive in laws. Enjoy your night out!!

MGee123 · 11/02/2023 06:29

No, sounds great! So long as you've got your phone on and trust the person you're leaving them with, I'd go and have a good time! Enjoy!

jackstini · 11/02/2023 06:31

Absolutely do it and enjoy some time with your partner, it's only a few hours and baby will be fine

I went on 3 hours worth of a hen do when Dd was 7 weeks old. Just a meal and couple of drinks

Lots of mums have to go back to work at this stage - you are only going out for a few hours as a one off!

abmac95 · 11/02/2023 06:35

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bumpytrumpy · 11/02/2023 06:40

Hmmmm, I think if you're asking the question you know in your heart it's too much too soon.

Why not just have a meal and then come back to baby?

You can play crazy golf in the day time with baby in a sling - you're not missing out then?

Do you actually want to do this or are you being pressured because it's Valentine's Day and your partner wants you to himself?

rosegoldivy · 11/02/2023 06:54

Nowdontmakeamess · 11/02/2023 03:57

I agree. If a Mum is willing to do this at 5 weeks (or younger) then it is unlikely to be a one off with zero consequences for the babies long term development.

All these selfish, entitled people come from somewhere, and if that’s what’s modelled to a child growing up that’s how they’ll turn out.

Show quote history

Not only was I willing to do this. I done it. DD 3 had her first overnight with Grandparents at 3 weeks old.

Still regularly stays there once a week and absolutely loves it. Had an incredible bond with Grandparents and is a happy, caring, well loved child.

At what point do the negative consequences come for her development?

Lots of love, her selfish, self entitled mum xo

RiceRiceBaby16 · 11/02/2023 07:39

Yes it is too soon, otherwise you wouldn't even need to ask. You have a newborn. You know it's too soon and you're just asking others so they can tell you it's not.

HuntingoftheSnark · 11/02/2023 07:42

Perfectly fine. DD was two months old when I went back to work full time, where the standard maternity leave was six weeks. DD is 25 and we have a great relationship, and she doesn't appear to have suffered. I hated it at the time but had no choice.

Lijay · 11/02/2023 07:44

Do it! Myself and DH went for a meal when baby was 5 weeks old and we left him with his grandparents. He was absolutely fine and his grandparents loved it.

My nan was horrified that we had gone out... But this is from a woman who used to put my mum in her pram and leave her in the orchard at the back of her house of she cried too much 🤣 so I guess what I'm saying is don't assume people who make judgey comments are parents of the year and baby guru's 🤷

ACynicalDad · 11/02/2023 07:47

Whatever happens don’t put the baby in the bed with you if it won’t settle, drunk parents in bed with child are a big risk factor to cot death. Otherwise enjoy the night.

Thefailinghousewife · 11/02/2023 08:03

Honestly, only you know what you are comfortable with and what your baby can handle. Ds would have been distraught and wouldn’t have settled and I personally felt at the same point that my priority was his needs and not going out. Every baby is different though.

My next question is do you even want to do this or is it to please your partner? It feels (as an outsider) a bit ambitious for the first time leaving your baby - but I’m possibly just impressed you have the energy to even contemplate it!

Saturdaydreamingway2355555 · 11/02/2023 08:08

Sounds lovely 😍😘 we left DD when she was 3 weeks old with MIL for the whole day…. Shock horror to those being critical!! This was to take our 4 year old out to a Marvel show that we had booked pre pregnancy. DD was fine… she slept the whole day…. She didn’t notice we were gone and DS had the best time at the show.

SaltyGod · 11/02/2023 08:11

Sounds lovely, have a great time.

We did the same at a similar age and had a lovely evening (granted one in which was talked about the baby a lot) and came home to happy baby

Landlubber2019 · 11/02/2023 08:29

Personally I wouldn't be going ahead with your plans, meal yes, crazy golf perhaps, cocktails and sleeping in another room no.

It's just seems like too much and I wonder if this is your or partners ideas?

Suzi888 · 11/02/2023 08:33

Absolutely go! Have a lovely time.

Left mine with DM at six weeks overnight. She was absolutely fine, I was a bit of a wreck travelling back the next day, but everything was fine. You’ll only be a few hours. Just enjoy!

converseandjeans · 11/02/2023 08:57

Fourth trimester is a tool of the patriarchy to keep mothers chained to their newborns. It’s not supported by science at all

It would be interesting to know if those who go full out for the 4th trimester are the ones who have a 3 year old who still won't sleep and needs a parent to lie down every night with them to get them settled.

It's definitely a balance. I used to go out occasionally and leave children with their Dad who was perfectly capable of looking after them. I don't think leaving them with their grandparents or Dad is exactly a random person. It's important for them to build up relationships with those care givers. It gets them used to settling for different people. The sooner they get used to it the easier it is. So many women on here complain they have a DH who is unable to settle the baby.

We spend loads of time with ours & because we both teach have all school hols off with them. So an occasional night out or hen do when they're little doesn't mean they're not important or cared for.

You're lucky we never really had offers to go out like that. In laws only really had them when we worked. So it's a good thing yours have offered.

BurbageBrook · 11/02/2023 09:06

To be honest I think it is selfish. It's a little much to leave a baby so young for so long. Even if you aren't breastfeeding they are used to your smell and touch -- they were inside you only a matter of weeks ago. Why not just go out for dinner and drink one cocktail then sleep as usual in the same room as your baby? Surely a multi-cocktail piss up with a roster of activities isn't necessary.

AuntSallie · 11/02/2023 09:16

converseandjeans · 11/02/2023 08:57

Fourth trimester is a tool of the patriarchy to keep mothers chained to their newborns. It’s not supported by science at all

It would be interesting to know if those who go full out for the 4th trimester are the ones who have a 3 year old who still won't sleep and needs a parent to lie down every night with them to get them settled.

It's definitely a balance. I used to go out occasionally and leave children with their Dad who was perfectly capable of looking after them. I don't think leaving them with their grandparents or Dad is exactly a random person. It's important for them to build up relationships with those care givers. It gets them used to settling for different people. The sooner they get used to it the easier it is. So many women on here complain they have a DH who is unable to settle the baby.

We spend loads of time with ours & because we both teach have all school hols off with them. So an occasional night out or hen do when they're little doesn't mean they're not important or cared for.

You're lucky we never really had offers to go out like that. In laws only really had them when we worked. So it's a good thing yours have offered.

Yes I agree. Babies need regular caregivers they can bond with. I think it’s making a rod for your own back if from the beginning you decide the mother has to be the only or almost only caregiver. Even if you are breastfeeding, dad can still do the nappy changes, burping, and carrying around to soothe them to sleep.

I think more dads are doing this, Ive noticed more dads in public carrying around babies and interacting with them with mum nowhere to be seen.

The fourth trimester started out as focussed on mum recovering from birth as a backlash to the celebrities who were showing off tummy tucks days after birth and gallivanting around, going back to work or on tour with a two week old. It was meant to take the pressure off.

In recent years, it has morphed into what I think is regressive and patriarchal judgement on women by creating this false narrative that a baby only needs his/her mum and needs them 24/7 for the first 3 months of life. This isn’t true at all. And it’s putting pressure back on women to conform to the old “good mother” standards of the bad old days. You can see OP being called “selfish” for leaving her baby with the grandparents for mere hours! Hours!

converseandjeans · 11/02/2023 09:26

@BurbageBrook

To be honest I think it is selfish. It's a little much to leave a baby so young for so long.

I think it's around 4 hours to eat a meal & play crazy golf & have a drink. I'm astounded that leaving a baby with loving grandparents is selfish. Lucky OP I say having family who are keen to bond & help out.

converseandjeans · 11/02/2023 09:30

@AuntSallie

Yes I agree. Babies need regular caregivers they can bond with. I think it’s making a rod for your own back if from the beginning you decide the mother has to be the only or almost only caregiver

It's so much pressure - and also what happens if Mum is ill and can't physically look after them?

I always think back to poor children of Peaches Geldof - she was in media saying attachment parenting was amazing - then suddenly passed away. Babies and children need more than one caregiver (unless someone is alone with no family then obviously they have no choice)

Futurethoughts · 11/02/2023 09:33

I don’t think it’s ‘nasty’ to express a view that’s in the minority. I don’t want to sound like a tit, but what’s the point of asking if it’s just for ‘that’s fine’ responses?

I don’t personally think it makes an awful lot of difference: families are structured in different ways and I do know some where grandparents are very actively involved. It wouldn’t be for me, but it doesn’t make it bad or wrong. People will have views on it, though, which is the point!

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 11/02/2023 09:39

Gosh. I left dd2 with my parents at 6 weeks old to go to a wedding with an overnight stay. I mean I didn't have the benefit of Internet randoms telling me about the 4th trimester and all that but she seems to have been unscathed by it!