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Original poster

Sticking at 1 child because of zero extended family support

131 replies

StressedSquirrel · 03/02/2023 11:41

I am just wondering if other people ended up making this decision. We have one DS, 14 months old, and although he is has been in full time nursery since I returned to work, DH and I have found it insanely stressful since my maternity leave ended.

My parents are 1 hr 50 away, DH only has his Dad who is a long haul flight away, so we are doing everything ourselves. We found that having zero family help, when we both work full time has been insanely stressful with the amount of nursery bugs he has picked up requiring him to be sent home. Also, the lack of down time and needing to pay circa £50 for a night out without DS has taken its toll on our marriage.

The main issue is that neither me nor DH wants to put our careers in the back burner, and all the families I see with more than 1 DC either have a nanny or one half of the couple works massively reduced hours or is a stay at home parent.

I feel really sad for DS that he won't get a sibling, but I think a second child would destroy mine and DH's sanity and possibly our marriage.

For context, I am getting close to 39, so this isn't really a decision that I can postpone until DS is much older and less demanding.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 03/02/2023 11:46

Good plan for your circumstances. Not remotely the 'fault' of your parents though which you seem to be implying.

kirinm · 03/02/2023 11:50

We have no family help and it is extremely stressful. Having our DD nearly broke us in the first year or two. Life is chaotic and involved running from work to nursery / childminder (and now) after school club.

Everyone I know who has gone on to have a second fairly close together has found the transition hard but they do have help or, like you said, have enough money to hire babysitters or nannies.

I don't think that answers your question but I do fully appreciate how hard it is without family support. We went into it knowing we wouldn't but massively underestimated how hard that would be.

Ohdearnotagain76 · 03/02/2023 11:50

If you want more children than that's up to you but don't use not having family as a excuse. You left having a family later than most for whatever decision and you've both decided your careers are more important than adding to your family so not much anyone else can say.

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1 year olds Families General parenting
kirinm · 03/02/2023 11:51

Not helped by my DP's mum caring for her grandchildren every day (but they lived closer).

Original poster
StressedSquirrel · 03/02/2023 11:53

I am not at all suggesting that my parents should help out, but observing that our lives are massively more stressful compared to those who do have family close by who are happy to be involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
StressedSquirrel · 03/02/2023 11:54

Ohdearnotagain76 · 03/02/2023 11:50

If you want more children than that's up to you but don't use not having family as a excuse. You left having a family later than most for whatever decision and you've both decided your careers are more important than adding to your family so not much anyone else can say.

Yeah, silly me for taking a long time to conceive. Totally within my control.

OP posts:
SmileWithADimple · 03/02/2023 11:55

Yes, I agree it's very stressful when both parents have busy careers and no family help. The people I know in this situation use a nanny rather than nursery (as you mention in your OP) - have you considered this as an option?

mintich · 03/02/2023 11:55

We have no family nearby either. We have 3 kids fairly close together. To be honest, it was just as stressful with one as it is with 3. So I wouldn't let it put you off if you do want more children

Original poster
StressedSquirrel · 03/02/2023 11:58

SmileWithADimple · 03/02/2023 11:55

Yes, I agree it's very stressful when both parents have busy careers and no family help. The people I know in this situation use a nanny rather than nursery (as you mention in your OP) - have you considered this as an option?

Our combined salaries won't stretch to a nanny.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2023 11:59

I think a second child would destroy mine and DH's sanity and possibly our marriage.

I think that’s all you need to know.

How long have you been back at work? If it hasn’t been long you might find things like bugs get easier in time. But if you’re already both maxed out then having another child wouldn’t be wise.

We have my mum around and she’s very supportive but DD is nearly 4 and we haven’t had or wanted a night away from her though I’m sure mum would have her overnight so I can’t relate to a lack of childfree nights damaging our marriage or sanity. But if that’s the case then it’s another reason to stop at one. DS will be fine as an only child, billions of people are perfectly happy without siblings.

ludocris · 03/02/2023 12:02

Ohdearnotagain76 · 03/02/2023 11:50

If you want more children than that's up to you but don't use not having family as a excuse. You left having a family later than most for whatever decision and you've both decided your careers are more important than adding to your family so not much anyone else can say.

This is one of the most judgy posts I've read on here in a while. Either you think it's selfish to have an only child or your tone is just a bit off.

CakeCrumbs44 · 03/02/2023 12:05

Seems like a totally logical decision. You don't need to feel guilty or justify your decision, do what's best for you and your family.

SnowAndFrostOutside · 03/02/2023 12:05

We have no family help and many don’t either. We also have two children. It’s a choice you have to make and don’t blame the lack of family.

Even with one child, how do you envisage the child fit into your work and leisure time once they have homework and clubs after school and in the weekend? They don’t get ill often but they need us to do reading, homework support, ferrying to friends and clubs. As an example, DC1 is in guides and they start at 7.30 and at least once or twice each term, they meet somewhere else to do an activity. When they were younger there were lots of birthday parties in the weekend end and they were all over, up to 45min drive away. Mine aren’t in any sports team otherwise you will be looking at taking them to competition many weekends.

We both work full time but very office hours and have flexibility. We managed to do all the school pick up/drop off, holidays and clubs ourselves.

AreBearsCatholic · 03/02/2023 12:07

We have zero family support and had a second. For me, the stressful part is the existence of the second shift after getting home. The second child didn’t change that much. The nursery bug stage eased up after a couple of months and everything is easier from about 2.5 years onwards.
Definitely worth thinking about your relationship and why you feel it isn’t stress resistant though.

Swissmummy15 · 03/02/2023 12:13

We live abroad, so literally have no family close by, and I had my first baby during Covid, so no one could even come and visit for the first few months as it was during the time travel was banned! I suppose there was we never got used to it being any other way…so that helped! We never get a babysitter for nights out when we are home- we usually just take DD with us (to friends houses, and even out for dinner when we are on holiday- way past bedtime). But when we are back staying with family (2 different counties) this is also a super special time for us to go our together and with friends! We make the most of it! Would staying over a weekend with you family, and using this as an opportunity for date night help?

Also both me and hubby work 4 days a week each in pretty high level leadership roles…I went back 3 at first and found it really hard at that level (was really happy the company let me try it) but now working 4, is perfect…and I feel no difference work wise than at 5! Would 4 days be an option?

Number 2 on the way in next few weeks….so have to see how things pan out with two…but I hope we can make it work without too much stress!

Sounds easy to say…but if you want another…you will find a way ti handle the stress….

turrrniiipz · 03/02/2023 12:27

Plenty of people manage having more than one child with no family support. Ultimately the responsibility lies with parents, anything else is a bonus.

But if you can be certain you won't cope with a second child with your current circumstances then it's a sensible decision to stop at 1.

StClare101 · 03/02/2023 12:30

Our nearest family member is a three hour flight away. We have two kids. The zero family support wasn’t part of our decision making at all to be honest. We stopped at two due to finances.

MrsR87 · 03/02/2023 12:34

We’re in the same situation in relation to having no support from extended family but we decided to have another DC when DC1 was quite young. We now have a 2 year old and 5 month old. I don’t think it really adds to the stresses of not being able to go out etc because we couldn’t do that before with just one child. We are very happy with our decision as we’d both always wanted two and despite finding the lack of support challenging we figured if we had them close together the “disruption” would be short lived compared to waiting and changing our minds and going through it all again years later! We love it and I would have a third in a heartbeat!

krustykittens · 03/02/2023 12:34

You can make the decision not to have another child for whatever reason you want, OP. We had no family support and busy careers that involved a lot of travel, so I became a stay at home mum when my youngest was 2. It did make life a lot easier and I did do a bit of work here and there but I am now struggling to build up my career again and I don't think it will ever be what it was. I think, knowing what I know now, I would have made the same decision as you, as you still have a lot of life to live after your kids hit 18 and work was really important to me. I loved my job! But I would have had serious regrets about not having another too, I know that. There is no easy decision and no path that doesn't have an element of regret - you have to do what works for your family.

Coraline353 · 03/02/2023 12:37

Agree with a PP that both of you doing 4 days a week is a really big help. Neither of us had to take a career hit as 0.8 FTE isn't viewed as 'part time's as much as 3 days or fewer and sharing the load between us is great.

GoAgainstNicki · 03/02/2023 12:37

So just don’t have another then? There’s no law saying your child must have a sibling

kirinm · 03/02/2023 12:38

Cutting down a day would've cost us over £10k. I couldn't justify it.

Fixesplease · 03/02/2023 12:39

We stuck with 1 for various reasons but even with me working part time those younger pre school years almost killed off our marriage too.
We live a couple of hours from grandparents who are also still all working full time so doubt it would have been much difference anyway had we lived closer.

Oh the plus side, our DS has just turned 6 and is a joy and a very happy only. ( it gets much easier to juggle as they get older.

Do what's best for your family, only you know the answer to that one.

Oodlesofdoodlescockapoodles · 03/02/2023 12:40

Do you want another child? Not for your first, but for you?

If not, that's totally fine (for any reason). If you do, is there anything that could help eg a childminder, a cleaner, working a 9 day fortnight etc?

stayathomer · 03/02/2023 12:41

But you obviously want one and want your child to have a sibling so I suppose then what it comes down to is looking again at if there’s anything that can budge- a 4 day week for both of you so you only have to pay 3 days of childcare? Perhaps moving so things are more affordable? Most people I know have no family help and yes it is a killer but it won’t be forever