Sticking at 1 child because of zero extended family support

[StressedSquirrel]

I am just wondering if other people ended up making this decision. We have one DS, 14 months old, and although he is has been in full time nursery since I returned to work, DH and I have found it insanely stressful since my maternity leave ended.

My parents are 1 hr 50 away, DH only has his Dad who is a long haul flight away, so we are doing everything ourselves. We found that having zero family help, when we both work full time has been insanely stressful with the amount of nursery bugs he has picked up requiring him to be sent home. Also, the lack of down time and needing to pay circa £50 for a night out without DS has taken its toll on our marriage.

The main issue is that neither me nor DH wants to put our careers in the back burner, and all the families I see with more than 1 DC either have a nanny or one half of the couple works massively reduced hours or is a stay at home parent.

I feel really sad for DS that he won't get a sibling, but I think a second child would destroy mine and DH's sanity and possibly our marriage.

For context, I am getting close to 39, so this isn't really a decision that I can postpone until DS is much older and less demanding.

It is definitely a reason why I'm sticking at 1.

My parents aren't interested in seeing DD much at all and we've had problems with MIL. No other (unpaid) support.
I love my job but have a 60 mile round commute. We just about manage fine but partner has his own business and is pretty busy. If I had a 2nd child I think I'd have to leave my current job and I don't want to.

How supportive is your DH? My partner, other than working and doing a few pick ups and sometimes cooking tea, does the bare minimum in terms of childcare and housework. I've always done all the bedtimes, wake ups and take the time off when DD is ill. My partner won't do it.
If you have a supportive DH, I think 2 children is much more do-able.

I think you’re right, OP.

No family support, can’t afford a nanny, neither of you want to step back from your careers even in the interim and you’ve found one child insanely stressful = probably don’t have another!

Are you saying you could afford to not both be working full time but choose not to ? If so then your choice to not have another child is because you don’t want to give up ur work. Nothing to do without outside help as that is a luxury that should never be asumed. I had no help whatsoever as no family except a DB who works long hours and I have 6 DC. That was because I was lucky enough to be able to take time off work and because I wanted to be with my DC. i have a friend in a very similar situation to you. She has one DD and sue to no family help says she can’t have anymore as she would never give up her job, nor would her partner.
end of the day you weigh ur your circumstances and decide. Everyone’s are different.

We stuck with one and this was one of the reasons (absolutely no support). We both work FT, but with totally flexible hours so we can do all drop off and pick ups for school, which was important to us. However, this was an easy decision to make as we are both very happy with life with one child and neither of us wants another. If I did have a strong urge for a second, I imagine we would just make it work somehow. Sometimes a second seems like a good idea, but I know that it would put too much extra strain on my life and marriage and wonderful relationship with DD. One child is such a happy medium!

Don't want to throw a spanner if you've already made the decision, but I think you're saying you haven't decided yet? Would you like more kids? Because looking at it a little longer term, having 2 or more can definitely ease the burden of having children when they're a bit older, we've had no family around (they are in another country) but after the insane baby and toddler days, the kids have spent quite a few years playing together and being company/entertainment for each other. When I compare my situation now compared with friends who have 1 child, they seem to spend a lot more time than me entertaining their children day to day in school holidays for example.

We have two and I'm pregnant with my third. We have no family support. Currently I am sahm and he works full time and once the kids are at school I will return to work. Unless one of you are willing to put you career on hold or can pay for the childcare I wouldn't have another. It sounds like yous are already under pressure and adding another baby will make things so much harder.

I wouldn’t base my decision on that, those years are very short and it gets considerably easier. You are right in the shit bit right now.

We have had one because it suits us, and because we didn’t really want a second child. If we had really wanted one, we’d have made it work.

We have no family help either, DD is 3.5 and not had a night out without her yet. It is a bit tough but it flies by.

So stick with one if that is what you want (I think it’s a great choice personally but I’m not you) or crack on with a second and embrace the difficult nursery years, knowing they do end!

You have to own the choice though and not blame it on circumstances.

You need to do what's right for your family. Everyone is different.

People want different things out of life.... you both want to work full time and put your all into careers and have one child.
Other people change jobs, change hours/shifts etc to work around family.
Other people have one child due to secondary infertility (which is what is happening with us at the moment), finances, mental or physical health etc.

You don't have to justify having one child or blame anyone else for you to make the decision to have one child.

My point about no extended family help, is that if you don't have it and aren't rich enough to afford a nanny, then you're confronted with into a trade off where one half of the couple would have to give up on career progression (or on having a career at all) in order to make having a second child feasible.

it’s a choice isn’t it. You’re choosing not to compromise your career. That’s fine op. You could have another child if you wanted to - either by one or both parents compromising their career a bit, or by using a shit tonne of paid childcare.

if you don’t want to pay for lots of childcare, and neither of you want to sacrifice your careers, and these choices = only one child is possible, then fine!

you’re focusing on “lack of unpaid childcare help” = not fair = can’t have another child. It’s not that simple.

if you really wanted another you’d make it work… but it’s not your priority. I can’t see a problem.

I don’t get your issue.

Your priority is career progression for both parents. You’re already stressed with the child you have. Why would you bring another into the equation?

What does this have to do with family support? It is what it is. Millions of couples have no family support. They cut their cloth accordingly. Isn’t that normal? What is your actual question? Are you seeking validation of your choice or career over a second child? Looking for reassurance about only children? Bemoaning your lot in life that you can’t afford FT childcare?

Yep
I have 3 no family support. Worked less hours for periods of time. Or only temp contracts for a 4th day.
Had a big impact on our relationship…1-2 probably where this was felt most and resentment crept in. I really, really wanted more for myself though. Having a sibling is also beneficial but I was definitely broody.
No babysitters as against nursery policy and where do you find them?! Didn’t fancy a stranger. Everyone else has family to babysit and it frustrates me. In laws have a family meal this weekend actually. Will be 12-15 people. I have to stay at home.

So after that waffle I would probably say I think it might be best to stay with 1, unless you are really broody.

I don't think the second child makes anywhere near as much of a difference as going from 0 to 1. Covering school holidays, not going out without a babysitter, doing pick ups and drop offs are all things that will have to happen with 1 or 2. Granted you will have a few more incidents of covering sickness and maybe you have to do a double drop off for a few years, it is a bit more complex, but not twice as much.

Actually from the people I know it is extremely common to have two kids, no family support, no nanny and both parents with careers. We did it and so did most of our friends. I know very few people who have family support to the extent of grandparent doing the school run or being close enough for emergency sickness cover. So I think it is completely doable - equally it is fine if you decide it's not for you!

It sounds like the right decision for you, but I think it's a mistake to lay all the blame on the lack of family support (the one decision outwith your control).

Instead you need to own the decision, you are (both) choosing your career progression and adult time together, which is a perfectly fine choice. You don't have the capacity for a second, you also don't want to give anything up to give you more capacity.

I would worry that blaming it on family circumstances would lead to more regret or replaying the conversation every time it feels a bit easier. Instead be proud of your job and the decisions you have made.

We had three with no family support, but we were lucky enough that neither of us had 'careers' at that point, just jobs, and with shifts that could work round each other. Then DH was made redundant and we were very lucky I got a promotion so only my salary was needed. That was when the youngest was one, so he never went into a formal childcare setting like his brothers.

I think it's a perfectly logical and sensible decision to make. My sister is in similar circs (although she does have family help) - her career is very important to her.

Honestly I think you are a bit deluded Op- loads of people don’t have childcare help.
My sister will babysit but doesn’t care in the day or do school pick ups. My parents are dead. My inlaws are abroad and useless.
most people I know either pay through the nose in childcare for 3years or one halts their career- does it have a life long effect on their career, maybe! But life is a melting pot. You aren’t unique, tbh it doesn’t sound like you want another child- which is absolutely fine.

You have to have priorities and then compromise on certain things.
If careers are a priority to both you and you’ve decided you can’t do it again with a 2nd child, then you’ve made your decision.

If your priority is to have a sibling for DS, then you both could look at working closer to home, so less travel to nursery, changing jobs so there’s more flexibility if you needed to WFH if child off sick, nanny sharing.

What I would say is I found the nursery days much easier when working.
What was hard was primary school hours.
You can’t always get breakfast club and after school club or they finish after school club at 5:30 and nursery finished at 6. Some after school sports clubs finish at 4:15.

I did work part time and reduced my hours further when DC were at primary school. In a lot of ways it was the worst of both worlds! I kept thinking I should either be a SAHP or full time.

Just stick at one OP; it sounds very much like that’s what you want to do anyway. As you say, neither you nor your DH wants to compromise on career progression, and I think with more than one child something probably does have to give.

I don’t agree with the assertion that 2+ DC with no family support or nanny and two FT working parents can’t be done - the majority of my friends are in this boat, and they do manage. We’re in London, and most of my circle (mid-moderately high earning professionals) moved here from elsewhere, so don’t have family locally. But… it is probably fair to say that I, with just the one child, am less frazzled, am spread less thinly, have more time to pursue interests and have more disposable income - we are past the nursery stage now (just) and I can feel the world opening up again, where most of my friends are still heavily embroiled in nursery fees, toddler wrangling etc.

In planning for a family I think it’s really important to know yourself and what you can cope with. We had DD later in life (I was 37; DP 44) and while both sets of grandparents are local they are too elderly now to be capable of or interested in much in the way of hands-on childcare. We knew we could make this work with one; probably not with two, so we cut our cloth accordingly. It’s been tough enough with one relatively easy DD, so I know we made the right decision for us. Personally I’ve managed to carve out time to focus on other things and retain some sense of self, which was very important to me.

As PPs have said, you have choices. It sounds to me as though you largely already know what you want.

And yes, agree with @TiaraBoo that most of my FT working friends coped OK (finances aside!) with the nursery stage, but are really beginning to struggle now their DC have started school. 9-3.30 and limited wraparound care has been a rude awakening for many of them! Lots of discussions around cutting hours/going PT to cope, and a fair few DC struggling with daily breakfast/after school club in Reception.

Well it's all a choice isn't it? I chose to take reduced hours but stay at the same grade, I also chose not to go for a promotion while my kids are still young because we've got a work/life balance that works for us, I chose to take a sideways move that meant I could be home every night. I spent all of my 20s and most of my 30s working my arse off and actually now I quite like that I tell people I can't make things because it's my non working days or that I have to leave meetings at X time because that's the end of my day. I'm well liked and respected at work, I enjoy my job, but it's work at the end of the day, I'd rather be hanging out with my DC.

We get maybe one night of babysitting a year for our anniversary or if we've got a wedding to go to, no day to day help, our childcare bill is twice our mortgage but we didn't expect help at all, we chose to have two children so it's up to us to look after them. Fully agree with PP about school age childcare - it's way more difficult to juggle than using a private nursery!

Wow some people are unnecessarily snippy here. I don’t see that you suggested it was your parents fault at all!

We have no local family, both work full time and it is TOUGH! It’s not even about family providing regular childcare but it’s the emergency situations which end up being much more stressful when you are trying to juggle it between 2 and keep your job.

If my mum was local she would want to see DD for her own benefit and the upside of that is I could clean the house on a Saturday morning or go for a grown up lunch with DH. She would also pick up or drop off if I was stuck.
For example this week DH has been away and it has been so hard to do pick up and drop off on my own but still make it into town to do a days work. We usually split it.

Ultimately we will love back to family so we will have another but it will be difficult until we do so I totally emphasise and understand why you would want to stop at one in your situation.

If you want another child then leave it to fate and see if you get pregnant. If you do you will make it work somehow. If you're ambivalent, or just thinking of another one as a sibling for your DS then don't do it.

We don't have any help either, my kids don't have a single grandparent and we only had a handful of nights out together since they were born. People with support don't understand how hard it is. Just my opinion but the minuses really outweigh the pluses with kids. If I could go back in time I wouldn't have any.

One child is better for the planet, anyway.

I think this just falls under the 'can't have everything' category. It's really frustrating when you want two things that just don't equal all the outcomes you'd like. Personally, I really WANT to be a size 10 but I also WANT to eat a shit tonne of cake, so alas - for me - cake has won. For you, career has won. That's is a really sensible decision for you both, as you clearly both love your careers and neither wants a second child more than the jobs (and also neither wants to resent the other by being the one who takes a few years out).

Doesn't mean you can't have a bit of a sigh about the alternate path if you had free, local support.

Also, FWIW my parents moved near my sister when she had my first niece and now they all want to murder each other most days (in a loving way...!), so there's a downside.

We have 2 children and no family support. I actually have to do a lot of care for my parents. But I’m now a sahm.

Writing this at the end of 7 days of norovirus in our household - we are expats so no family support - I hear you!!! When someone is ill in our house it breaks me as I have zero time and zero support. Normally, DS goes to nursery 2 days a week and I am not back at work yet so that is my breathing space. When someone is ill, we have no nursery, so I have no support and it’s so so so hard. I’m exhausted and having been ill myself this week whilst looking after ds it’s been mega hard. So no YANBU. But I sense from your post that you sort of would like 2 kids and I fear you’ll be resentful possibly- so mull it over some more. Can you reduce your hours or get any more help?? Xxx