Sticking at 1 child because of zero extended family support

[StressedSquirrel]

I am just wondering if other people ended up making this decision. We have one DS, 14 months old, and although he is has been in full time nursery since I returned to work, DH and I have found it insanely stressful since my maternity leave ended.

My parents are 1 hr 50 away, DH only has his Dad who is a long haul flight away, so we are doing everything ourselves. We found that having zero family help, when we both work full time has been insanely stressful with the amount of nursery bugs he has picked up requiring him to be sent home. Also, the lack of down time and needing to pay circa £50 for a night out without DS has taken its toll on our marriage.

The main issue is that neither me nor DH wants to put our careers in the back burner, and all the families I see with more than 1 DC either have a nanny or one half of the couple works massively reduced hours or is a stay at home parent.

I feel really sad for DS that he won't get a sibling, but I think a second child would destroy mine and DH's sanity and possibly our marriage.

For context, I am getting close to 39, so this isn't really a decision that I can postpone until DS is much older and less demanding.

2 kids here. Dead grandparents on husbands side, my family long haul flight away. Its been tough but we have nearly made it to school age now (one in preschool, one in big school) and things are getting easier.
Its obviously up to you if you have more but in your position id be asking myself two things
a) Are you ok with your child being an only child?
b) Why is your relationship unable to withstand stress?

I actually went into my pregnancy with DS planning to be one and done, but since he has arrived, I can see the potential downsides (for DS), of being an only.

It's interesting that you mention illness, because this is where it all falls apart for us, and is the biggest source of stress. I caught about three D&V bugs in the space of 3 months. With a full time job, it feels like the carefully balanced tightrope of keeping on top of everything goes to shit with either me, DH, or DS being ill so frequently.

All the families I know with one child seem content and happy.

Your ds will make friends at school and unlike a sibling, he will actually enjoy their company and share interests with them.

People are barmy if they think they have two children so they can have company. Some people have a lifelong bind with a sibling, most people don't.

I say all this as a baby obsessed woman with no family help who tried for a fourth baby for five years. It is stressful, impacts your career hugely and your existing child can be negatively impacted by siblings.

Kudos for your honesty!

I think you can't have it all....if you want another child that much you will have to make the necessary changes and sacrafices to make it work....maybe moving closer to your parents (if they are willing to help out that is) or one/both of you cutting down your hours at work.

I think given your circumstances you would be sensible not to have any
More and you shouldn't feel like you 'need' to.

Fwiw we have a very similar set up in terms of family, we've never had family help with childcare and we have two kids BUT i was happy and able to be a sahm so didn't need to worry about covering kids sickness etc which is a massive factor.

It is harder having no family support though, our kids are older now so it's a bit easier but I genuinely don't know anyone who has as little help as us and I don't think people understand how hard it can be. Pre pandemic dh worked abroad a lot and I had a couple of health scares where I really was nervous if I had to go into hospital what we'd do. I have friends who would help I'm sure but it's not the same as grandparents etc.

Yes, I was similar. Our relationship wouldn’t have survived a second child and I decided to stick at one. We remain a happy family of three.

You're not sticking at 1 because of zero extended family support. You're sticking at one because of no family support and you don't want to pay for childcare and neither of you want to give up work progression. Which is fine isn't it, you can make whatever decision you want about how many kids you have, but comparison is the thief of joy and all that.

Just own the decision. You're not a victim of anything you've just decided to stick at one. Great!

I see that others have suggested moving closer to family. That wouldn’t necessarily be a solution. At 39, they are probably quite old and so you could end up looking after them rather than them helping you out.

This is one of the main reasons we did not have any.

Yes, that was the decision I made. We also had a little family support, one school evening a week, when DC was aged about 4-8.

What has changed now is that my parents, who live several hours away, are a lot older and a lot less able to manage for themselves, never mind if in a position to look after a child/ early teen. That's also hard as the demands are more unpredictable and are things that are out of the ordinary (like kids coming home sick but on the parental front - car accidents, problems with the house that mean last minute alternative arrangements, etc). It's a case of more dependents, whatever that means for you, meaning: your time spread more thinly, not as much time or focus for husband/child 1/your boss/yourself.

I'm happy with 1, and working hard. Stressed but not overwhelmed. Feel that this will contribute to the period when DC is around 16-18 and I may still be able to make something slightly better of my career. but who knows what's round the corner.

Nothing wrong with having one child, no guarantee your DS would get on with or benefit from a sibling. That being said if you wanted another child and can’t due to circumstance then that’s a shame and must be upsetting.

For your DS he’ll get company at nursery then school and you can organise play dates and activities for him when he’s older.

We're already paying through the nose for childcare in terms of full-time nursery fees. It's not that we don't "want" to pay for a nanny, our combined salaries couldn't stretch to a nanny.

I find Mumsnet to be a bit of a parallel universe where the cost of a nanny is seen as a viable option for most people. The only couple I know who use a nanny rather than a nursery are ex pats living abroad in a country where nannies are extremely cheap compared to the U.K.

Thank you for your understanding post. It's exactly that. Most people here seem to be of the "if you want a second child you should be happy to throw your career under the bus so own your choice" mindset.

I can feel a little bit down about the choice that I have had to make: while I would like a second, putting my career on the back burner would most likely make me extremely depressed so it's not a viable solution for me.

Nobody has said that you need to throw your career under the bus - just perhaps reduce your hours a little bit or progress more slowly. Which you don’t want to do.

which is fine.

It’s very black and white to say that you need to “throw a career under the bus” to have two kids. Even without free childcare.

It's totally up to you. It's fine to have one child. Most only children I know are happy. I always knew I wanted a bigger family.

I have two kids, (4 & 1, 2.3 year age gap) both of us have fairly successful careers, pregnant with my third. I am 33. (I work at an investment bank, husband is an accountant) but I am happy to not get promoted for the next 5-6 years or even longer, so I am content as to where I am at in my career. I work 4 days a week. This is where we are different I suppose.

We do have family support but nobody would pick up my sick child from nursery. My husbands job is fairly flexible and I can work from home and make it work when the kids are sick (most of the time they're not sick at the same time).

In terms of babysitting, we ask friends rather than family. We did NCT and met a great bunch, have local friends which were neighbours and church friends. You can build your own community without having to rely on family in my opinion.

We take off about 2-3 days a year to have day dates, just us, so we don't need a sitter.

Thank you for your understanding post. It's exactly that. Most people here seem to be of the "if you want a second child you should be happy to throw your career under the bus so own your choice" mindset.

I, and several others on the thread, have actually said we’ve maintained our careers with no nanny and family support after having kids, but you haven’t replied to any of those comments, which is a bit frustrating when you’ve tried to offer experience and you seem determined to only have your point proven. If you’ve made up your mind and just want people to make you feel better about that decision, just say that 🤷🏼‍♀️

Well maybe other people have superpowers that I am missing. I have only been able to do the minimum required in my role since returning from mat leave. My ability to go above and beyond and do the kind of stuff required for promotions has evaporated.

My worry is that with a second child, I would actually start to underperform and struggle to hold down my job. If it was just a case of treading water for a few more years if I had a second DC then that wouldn't put me off at all.

How long have you been back from mat leave?

My career progression has been great post children but less so in the first couple of months back from mat leave. Maybe you just haven't found your groove yet?

Since October

We are in London with no family support - my parents 3 hours away and OH's parents 6+ hours away. We have two children age 9 and 5. Pretty much no one we know has family support so it's not really occurred to me that much. Hands down the hardest phase was when our first was that age. She was constantly ill and so were we. I think we were still in shock too at the impact of becoming parents, on our relationship and life. This stage is very short in the grand scheme of things, though it doesn't feel it at the time. It's easier said than done, but you need to try not to look at it as set of obstacles/limitations. For several years we did more home-based socialising, meals in, movie nights etc. Now we can go out to pubs and restaurants with our kids and they are great company. They can stay up late when we're on holiday and entertain each other. You don't have to decide yet either way, there are nearly 4 years between our kids and they get on great.

I’m pregnant with my second. We found the same after our first, we didn’t even have friends within a 40 minute drive, covid started right after we moved to our last house and we came out of that with a baby, so very hard to get out and make friends.

We’ve just moved closer to home after 20 years living 1.5 hours away. Don’t know how we would manage with a second without close by family support (especially if we got a repeat of the 8 months of back to back nursery bugs we had with our first) Three weeks in and no regrets, child one and grandparents all loving it, and we feel the benefit already.

I’m not saying there’s nothing we miss, it was a really tough choice - we are lucky we both work from home most of the time, which has helped make a move easier

DD is 2 and she will most likely be an only. We also have zero family help and have found it very hard, although this is not the only reason why we wouldn't have another (other reasons being: not really wanting to go through baby stage again, being sleep deprived, excessive cost of nursery/life in London etc).

The only thing I'd say is that a second (or third etc) child needs to be done because both parents desire it, not to give existing children a sibling. That to me is just not a good enough reason as it won't be your DC that will have to go through years of hardship to raise a new baby.

Follow what feels right for you and DH; this whole idea of a perfect family being made of 4 people is still very much rooted in people mind unfortunately. I know several families who had a second DC just because "I didn't want DC1 to be an only, you got to have 2 etc" and lead a truly miserable existence. I think they'd be much happier with one!

I find thinking ahead helpful. What do you want your life and family to look like in 5 years? In 10 years?

Preschool kids and life is very different and very short compared to the time you have teens and adult children. What would you regret most? At the teen stage I most regret not having more kids. Approaching 40 there's so many working years left, but I won't be able to magic up a few more adult children in my 60s when all my other extended family are gone. I didn't even begin to realise my mistake until my family got older and my perspective changed.

14 months is just the very beginning of your parenting journey, it's a short intense period but it doesn't stay like that. What do you want life to be like in future?

I've never had parenting support from relatives. I know of single parents and single mums by choice (SMBC) who have multiple children with no free support. Freezing embryos for a sibling to buy a bigger age gap was a good solution.