Sticking at 1 child because of zero extended family support

[StressedSquirrel]

I am just wondering if other people ended up making this decision. We have one DS, 14 months old, and although he is has been in full time nursery since I returned to work, DH and I have found it insanely stressful since my maternity leave ended.

My parents are 1 hr 50 away, DH only has his Dad who is a long haul flight away, so we are doing everything ourselves. We found that having zero family help, when we both work full time has been insanely stressful with the amount of nursery bugs he has picked up requiring him to be sent home. Also, the lack of down time and needing to pay circa £50 for a night out without DS has taken its toll on our marriage.

The main issue is that neither me nor DH wants to put our careers in the back burner, and all the families I see with more than 1 DC either have a nanny or one half of the couple works massively reduced hours or is a stay at home parent.

I feel really sad for DS that he won't get a sibling, but I think a second child would destroy mine and DH's sanity and possibly our marriage.

For context, I am getting close to 39, so this isn't really a decision that I can postpone until DS is much older and less demanding.

We live in London and both have full on jobs (but my husband's job is especially so and requires lots of long hours). We are close to our families and they're as involved as they can be but mine are outside of London and his are abroad. We have decided to stop at one child due to the pressures on our finances and time. We want to focus on our child and providing them with the best we can and our marriage. We live in a place with really good community, have really good friends and are especially close to another family with a child the same age. My husband doesn't want a second and I realised that the desire for a second was due to wanting to give our child a sibling and not because of wanting another child. I didn't enjoy being pregnant or the toddler stage. Now my child is at school it's so much easier and the thought of going back and starting again then managing two kids at different stages feels like too much.

OP one of my friends' had family support than one of her parents got very ill. So that support evaporated. (That parent is now dead.)

Point I'm making even with family support those people could get very ill especially if they are over 60 and no longer be able to help you.

So you have to choose whether having more than one child is important to you or not.

In OP's shoes, feeling as stretched as she does, I'd also have to factor in my own ability to manage if the second child had any sort of high needs. Many parents cope very well with unexpected issues but many are ultra-stressed.

It is fine to only have one child if that is what you choose. You need to take responsibility for that decision though, not blame it on lack of family help. Most people don’t have enough family help to make a difference to how many children they decide to have. As others have said, even active grandparents can develop health issues etc. Living near parents often means you end up caring for them more than they ever care for your children!
Blaming others for your life makes you sound like a child who is saying “it’s not fair”.

I think some of these posts are a bit harsh. OP you’re well within your right to make an informed decision regarding whether or not to have another child on any basis - it comes down to you and your partner. Some couples are able to function well and juggle life with little to no support, others are not. If you want to focus on your career etc and have one child then that’s perfectly valid. Do what feels right for you.

My second child was twins. I have zero family support and have the career out of the two of us. Both of us stayed in full time jobs and use childminders. Never once did my career go on the back burner. In fact I was promoted twice when pregnant and my salary doubled has doubled

Honestly if you are finding it stressful with one child then don't have a second but that's a decision you have to own

You sound like you are making excuses?

Personally being deliberately "one and done" isn't something I would have chosen for myself or my child and my eldest has blossomed having siblings

My marriage though.....well that imploded and we are now divorcing. He couldn't handle a busy family of 5 life. But I wouldn't go back and change anything. I'd have more children again tomorrow

I know a few people who had nannies but not the kind you're thinking of probably. More like women who had older kids or finished their families and didn't want to be Ofsted rated or have small kids in their houses but were happy to have a more informal arrangement. It's probably less reliable but seemed to work for them. Tricky to find of course.

Myself I had no family help and 2 kids and sacrificed career progression. I wouldn't un-wish DD2 of course but I wouldn't do that again quite honestly - but family help was never a consideration. Remember it looks like strings free childcare but it really, really isn't! Only for those people who have selfless and non judgy families and how many of them are there?! So I think your decision is absolutely fine but I find pinning it on extended family or lack thereof a bit odd/idealistic.

We're without family help too and ended up with a 6 year age gap to manage it (and it's still really hard/stressful at times and we don't both work full time either).

You are completely over estimating the amount of couples who have "help" from extended family members!
It really isn't a universal thing. I had three children in a different country to most of our family, it never occurred to me that we couldn't raise our family ourselves 🤷🏻‍♀️

You will be sticking to one child due to finances and your life and career choices.

While free childcare from family members might have eased those factors, but also could never have been relied upon for many reasons, they are not the real reasons so should be removed from your thought process, you need to own and be happy with your own decisions and reasons for a choice this big.

You dont want to be looking back in 10 years time wishing you had made another choice and feeling it was outwith your control as that is not healthy.

Oh please. You're not having another child because you both want to focus on your careers, not because of lack of family support. That's totally your choice but don't put the blame on others for your choices.

Yes I think that’s the point. If OP and her DH are finding career + career + child enough, then they’ve reached their limit. Adults take responsibility for themselves. OP and her DH are doing that by sticking with one child, because they know and accept their limits, and have prioritised two FT careers over one career and another child. It’s a totally normal, everyday decision that families everywhere make all the time. That’s really all there is to it. I don’t see what there is to discuss.

When you posted this, did you even consider that some people don't get the luxury/pleasure/convenience of being able to have children whenever they want, and might need their careers to stay on track in order to avoid inconvenient things like not being able to pay the bills?

In my case, we started TTC when I was 30. A perfectly respectable age to TTC, in a respectable financial and professional situation. It took 8 years of infertility, heartache and bereavement before we were able to take home a living child. That was not my choice or decision.

You don't know what the OP might have gone through to have her child. Don't assume someone's situation was their own decision.

@StressedSquirrel I think I get where you're coming from. We have a DC at home and are unlikely to have any more. Family circumstances and financial/career factors have been part of that decision.

We don't expect or need relatives to provide babysitting duties - we went into parenting knowing that we'd not have local family help. Our childcare arrangements are organised to be achievable by ourselves and with nursery. But we would not be able to provide the same quality of childcare if we had more children, as we wouldn't have the time, energy or funds.

The way the world is, it's important to us that we can keep two incomes coming in, to provide a stable home and the resources we want to provide for DC. We wouldn't be able to do this if we were to spend more time and money on IVF cycles and then had to give up one income due to the childcare situation.

In an ideal world, it would be lovely for DC to have a living sibling, but the practicalities mean that we'd be negatively impacting on multiple aspects of their current and future circumstances if we went down that road.

If having one DC is what works for your family, then that's fine and I don't think there's any shame in that.

I actually believe having children later in life is often a brilliant decision as your more stable. I had children early then again later. 4 children but big gap due to getting married and getting a house and everything, in between. I honestly didn't mean my comment to sound as negative as what It has done and should proof read it. I just don't think relying of family is a reason to have /not have children and that it's up to a individual/couple to decide on what's right for them. Having a single child has so many benefits as does having multiple children.

Thanks for clarifying. I think people jumped on your comment, as it did come across a little bit like you assumed that the age at which I had my DS was entirely up to me. That was only true to the extent that I wasn't actively trying in my late 20s/ very early 30s, but at mid 30s when we did try, it took far longer than we were expecting.

Yes, there is no way we could afford a nanny.
We had a second with no family support - but with a 7 year age gap. We also have supportive employers - when I had classes DH would stay home when DC were ill, I’d then come home and he’d go to work. Marking, admin, research - done at night or at weekends after a bad week. I live less then 10 minutes away from
my work which helped as well - and also because ours were not ill too often after the first few months at nursery.

If you really want a second child then you can make it work but yes it sounds like you don't want to sacrifice your career.

I have 4 kids extremely close in age and DH and I both work full time, albeit I live in a country where nursery is extremely cheap compared to the ridiculous costs in the UK. I send 4 kids to daycare for what I paid for 1 in the UK.

We have zero family support (no one lifted a finger to help us when we lived in the U.K. either) and we make it work because it's what we wanted.

We don't have nights out together, barely even get a meal out together unless it's lunch whilst DC are at school and nursery and it will be that way for a long time but my priority is the DC, they are only this young for such a short period and DH feels the same.

I have lots of friends who only have 1 child and I would take 4 over that any day.

No it's not an unreasonable reason to not have anymore children because of not enough support. There are also other reasons. We don't have alot of support and I'm the same age,will be 39 this year. We've been together 22yrs this year and married 15yrs. We have a 14.5yr old, 2.5yr old and a 10mth old. Having just 1 child is perfectly acceptable and my son was happy as an only child for 12yrs until we had his sister. Omg was it a shock to the system. After all that time being used to having our own time and doing whatever we wanted almost to not being able to. I was knackered and because we wanted another we didn't wait. I understand all the reasons and it isn't just not having family round it's probably a mix of other things too that you don't want to mention as they sound a little selfish but they aren't and your child will be happy, loved and though will probably ask for a sibling they will be fine. I love all 3 to bits but I'm ready to drop at 1pm rofl

zero family support, my career is on the back-burner, but I still work in a professional job, as I chose to have more than one child and do the bulk of child-related issues. Zero evenings out so need for babysitters.

But we are happy and that is all that matters.

all that matters to you is you do what works for you and what makes you happy.

It sounds very sensible to stick to 1 child for the reasons you mention. Many don't have that self reflection and press ahead anyway, with a sense of entitlement almost, and wonder why their lives are so hard. I don't think there's anything wrong in thinking with your head over your heart on the size of your family, you need to consider your son, and whilst a sibling has some benefits, so does financially secure, mentally healthy parents!

Dd2 has a ds who is now almost 10 months old. He is hardly ever at nursery as they won't have him unless he is 100% and I can see how her and her husband struggle as they both work full-time. Hopefully he'll soon have caught all the bugs! I would love to help them out but as we are on benefits I have to work. I think you should go for number 2 if you think you'll regret it later. Babysitters don't charge extra for 2 and dc1 will be getting less bugs. It gets easier as they get older.

You have the advantage in recognizing your ambition to progress your career.

A lot of women I know struggled to either identify that or feel that financially, due to childcare etc, they have to slow the pace of progression.

I chose the slower progression path and the two children. That's the path that suited me, you need to follow yours.

The sibling issue is challenging but he is unlikely to be the unique at school etc and he has you both to help him find a group of friends and his passions.

The bugs will become less frequent as he builds his immunity, I think it tends to be something that seems to be more frequent when they start nursery or go back to school after the holidays.

We had no family help and both had stressful jobs and for this reason I decided to have no more despite pressure from inlaws but I wanted to be sure I gave DS everything and was worried 2 would break me. HE's 6 now, he's happy, healthy and we have a nice life, albeit still stressful. It's a personal decision though.

I am very lucky to work for a fabulous employer who allows flexible working. When I went back to work, I was stressing myself out about getting into work for 9, staying til 5, then panicking about getting back in time to pick him up but after a while I spoke to my boss and they told me to chill out. I now never book anything in my diary before 10, pick my son up from school, I tend to work through lunch and sometimes pick an hour up in the evening but it works. Is this an option?

Many don't have that self reflection and press ahead anyway, with a sense of entitlement almost, and wonder why their lives are so hard

Agree with this; I’ve seen it so many times among different groups of friends irl. It’s either ‘I want two plus kids and and a full-on career so I’m having two plus kids and a full-on career’, or ‘I’m having two kids because that’s what everyone else does’. Then, a couple of years down the line it’s, ‘I’m not coping and I’m constantly juggling everything and I’ve lost my sense of self and get no me-time at all.’ Which occasionally tips over into a resentful ‘Oh, you have it so easy with one!’

If more people just reflected a bit and were that bit more self-aware it would prevent a lot of angst further down the line I think. It’s great that OP is considering these issues now.