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Parenting

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Original poster

Sticking at 1 child because of zero extended family support

131 replies

StressedSquirrel · 03/02/2023 11:41

I am just wondering if other people ended up making this decision. We have one DS, 14 months old, and although he is has been in full time nursery since I returned to work, DH and I have found it insanely stressful since my maternity leave ended.

My parents are 1 hr 50 away, DH only has his Dad who is a long haul flight away, so we are doing everything ourselves. We found that having zero family help, when we both work full time has been insanely stressful with the amount of nursery bugs he has picked up requiring him to be sent home. Also, the lack of down time and needing to pay circa £50 for a night out without DS has taken its toll on our marriage.

The main issue is that neither me nor DH wants to put our careers in the back burner, and all the families I see with more than 1 DC either have a nanny or one half of the couple works massively reduced hours or is a stay at home parent.

I feel really sad for DS that he won't get a sibling, but I think a second child would destroy mine and DH's sanity and possibly our marriage.

For context, I am getting close to 39, so this isn't really a decision that I can postpone until DS is much older and less demanding.

OP posts:

JussathoB · 04/02/2023 16:02

Bear2014 · 03/02/2023 16:43

We are in London with no family support - my parents 3 hours away and OH's parents 6+ hours away. We have two children age 9 and 5. Pretty much no one we know has family support so it's not really occurred to me that much. Hands down the hardest phase was when our first was that age. She was constantly ill and so were we. I think we were still in shock too at the impact of becoming parents, on our relationship and life. This stage is very short in the grand scheme of things, though it doesn't feel it at the time. It's easier said than done, but you need to try not to look at it as set of obstacles/limitations. For several years we did more home-based socialising, meals in, movie nights etc. Now we can go out to pubs and restaurants with our kids and they are great company. They can stay up late when we're on holiday and entertain each other. You don't have to decide yet either way, there are nearly 4 years between our kids and they get on great.

I think there are a lot of points worth considering in this post.
Maybe take a little time to consider. I recall thinking when my first DD was about 15 months that it would be impossible for me to need or love another baby because I loved her so much. A few months later we decided to have another and then later we had a third child. No local parental support whatsoever but I wasn’t expecting it really and in general in those days there weren’t so many grandparents who did full on childcare all day etc and school pick ups etc.
you need to work through what you think is the best decision for you and your family. As other posters have said, there are pros and cons to each situation. Some only children wish they had a sibling, despite all their parents resources of time and money being focussed on them. On the other hand there is no doubt that many aspects of life make the practical issues around raising children very difficult and struggling as a parent to juggle jobs and children responsibilities and money is a difficult place to be. There is no one right answer, take your time to decide what will be best for you.

LindorDoubleChoc · 04/02/2023 16:13

Of course yanbu. Now that you know what it's like to have one baby in childcare and two jobs with long hours, I expect you never really anticipated how hard it would be?

I would say that the school years are going to be a lot harder, just to warn you in advance!

spoonlyfe · 04/02/2023 17:25

nca89 · 04/02/2023 09:24

It sounds very sensible to stick to 1 child for the reasons you mention. Many don't have that self reflection and press ahead anyway, with a sense of entitlement almost, and wonder why their lives are so hard. I don't think there's anything wrong in thinking with your head over your heart on the size of your family, you need to consider your son, and whilst a sibling has some benefits, so does financially secure, mentally healthy parents!

100% agree. Do what works for you and your family.

Interested in this thread?

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1 year olds Families General parenting

PeachyIsThinking · 04/02/2023 19:17

Life is a bunch of compromises. Lots of people are in this situation: some move closer to family, some cut back in a career (or both I guess), some bring in an au pair…and some stick at one child. These are all perfectly valid choices and you must not feel bad. Plenty of people with siblings aren’t that close, friends fill gaps just as well. My only suggestion is that if you take this route do as my sister did and make her home as welcoming for her child’s friends as possible so that they have the chance to find those other companions- I admire how she’s done that.

LadyJ2023 · 04/02/2023 22:23

People make there choice career,marriage,time etc if you make a choice not to have more children its only because you've chosen something else. Dont blame no family when clearly career is also taking a huge chunk of your times. Hubby and me we have 3 under 2s and a 13yr old and wouldn't change it. I gave up work wanting a family meant so much more. We make do but the happiness we get from our little ones more than compensates. I could never imagine growing old and not having my own family. Of course there's stress but tbh nothing major if you have a good marriage and support each other in everything. We go out,take our usual holidays etc but we now take our babies with us and even that the joy they bring us we could never buy.

buddy79 · 04/02/2023 22:40

Nobody can really answer this for you but - ime - we have 2 and no family support. In the baby / toddler years it has been so intense but we have just kind of buckled in and got things done. (DH works full time, I work 4 days). We have been incredibly lucky to have workplaces who have good family friendly policies (dependents leave for example) so worth thinking about this. We also have a great circle of friends from nursery age and we have called on each other for the odd bit of help with school run / transport etc in emergencies - do you think you will have this kind of support nearby? It is now, they are 4 & 8, that we realise .. we have had about 4 evenings out and no nights away as a couple since kids (so in 8 years!) Our marriage is ok but definitely needs a bit of attention. Lifestyle changes already so much with one, in some ways a second doesn’t change that aspect very much! We are a happy family and it has been right for us. I am knackered though.

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