Are there any absoute rights and wrongs in parenting?

[seeker]

Apart from bottom line safety issues?

I have been thinking about this because I consider myself by nature a relativist, and the mumsnet consensus is to end most discussions with something like "each to their own".

But I was on a thread recently when I felt very strongly that someone's viewpoint was just wrong. Not a different point of view, but wrong. And I said so - expecting to be flamed - but somewhat to my chagrin I was reminded of my insignificance by being ignored!

So, are there any parenting issues that people feel are absolutely right or wrong - or is everything except basic safety things like car seats and smoking over babies heads and not leaving your valium open in the cot a matter of opinion?

what gorblimey greensleeves says.

"punishment or shouting at? definitely.""

of course Kerry, this isn't a thread about whether we should discipline our children, it's about whether we shoudl discipline them by hurting them.

Actually, and as we all know, it;s about something totally different: vide: if we see/hear things that we feel are wrong, are we cowards if we don't say so firmly and without leaving a get-out clause.

Poor seeker. have we become your obnoxious child that you want to smack?

Why's it always a toss-up between nicey-nice and smacking?

And yes, of course all children are different. I object to the notion that I must have easy children, because I don't smack.

It's patronising. It's also very wrong.

And of course I get it wrong sometimes. Often some days!

But I do feel very strongly that some people make their children naughtier than they are by constantly talking to them as if they're about to be naughty ("Jason, I've got my eye on you!"), or referring to them as "being bad" - really?

They just give up then - well, if I'm gonna get the blame anyway...

I think its absolute wrong parenting to always be the perfect parent. I think children really need less than perfect role models.I think consistency is overrated in parenting, but most would probably disagree with me here.

Well, in that case, I think smacking's absolutely wrong and I think 100% full-on nicey-nice parenting whatever the scenario is absolutely wrong.

yes it was/is Kerry. I think it's always wrong to hit.

FM, I think you're right - and I actually agree re the consistency thing too. The black and white "you must always display no emotion, never let your children know you're upset/angry, etc" is likely to make your children pretty rebellious when they're older! It'd be like having brick walls as parents!

I also agree with you re consistency. I'm more a fan of intuitive flexibility. I've just made that up, but it's what I aim for. And security of a consistently loving response, whether a negative or a positive one from the child's pov.

I frequently say to my two "hitting is wrong. We never hit each other, we solve our problems with words, not violence."

I wouldn't think much of myself if I couldn't look them in the eye and say that. Ugh.

agree with 'intuitive flexibility'. Parenting is more an art than a science IMO. This horrible reward-chart doggie-chocolate culture we're all expected to buy into - bloody awful, almost as bad as smacking. A computer could do it.

no Kerrymum, saints do no wrong.

Decent people do wrong occasionally, admit it's wrong and apologise.

And then there's you and your ilk

Greeny, I say, "We don't hit in this house. I don't hit you, you don't hit me, or each other".

How could you say that to your children if you clobbered them whenever they broke your rules?

People really are treating children more and more like small alien beings that need to be controlled, aren't they, these days?

KM, I'm far from saintly, if you mean me - i think a lot about how I want to do it, and aim for that. Don't always make it though, especially when DS2 wakes me up at 5 o'sodding clock in the morning consistently...!

"you must always display no emotion, never let your children know you're upset/angry, etc"

I don't think anyone's said this is them, or their aspiration,hunker

Huge diff between losing your rag, and hitting, esp hitting as a discipline policy.

I do think that many, many people don't remember being children and that's a big part of it.

Children need to be reassured they are loved, for them, not just ignored and rewarded because of some arbitrary rules dreamt up by their parents.

OBM, I was agreeing with Fairymum's post "I think its absolute wrong parenting to always be the perfect parent."

Wow, I bet that showed him - he'll miraculously become a child who doesn't say/do horrible aggressive things, because you hit him

Logic, anyone?

yes hunker take your point, but think you're feeding the idea that alternative to not hitting is perfection/automaton-parenting.

alternative to hitting is automatons blah b.ah.

how very judgemental this thread is......everyone knowing how to live other peoples lives, well done for knowing better than everyone else.

Meeely, the thread is precisely about whether we should tell people whom we think are doing the wrong thing, that they are doing the wrong thing.

I think yes, but others have disagreed.