Are there any absoute rights and wrongs in parenting?

[seeker]

Apart from bottom line safety issues?

I have been thinking about this because I consider myself by nature a relativist, and the mumsnet consensus is to end most discussions with something like "each to their own".

But I was on a thread recently when I felt very strongly that someone's viewpoint was just wrong. Not a different point of view, but wrong. And I said so - expecting to be flamed - but somewhat to my chagrin I was reminded of my insignificance by being ignored!

So, are there any parenting issues that people feel are absolutely right or wrong - or is everything except basic safety things like car seats and smoking over babies heads and not leaving your valium open in the cot a matter of opinion?

It works for all of us, from experience of being smacked as a kid myself i know that it doesn't do any harm when accompanied by 2 loving parents and a good happy life, with a good routine in place and without the happy household and loving parents, it wouldn't work because they also get that love hugs, cuddles and playtime with both parents, it's not the smacks that they remember it's the childhood that some children that don't have parents would love to have. Anyway each to there own and of course i am not saying that not smacking is wrong either, unlike those that don't i don't judge those that choose to do otherwise!!

"it's not your child and anyone said anything to me they would get a not such nice answer!!"

I believe nothing further needs to be said.

As a child who was smacked I would disagree with just about everything you've said BITCAT. I lived in terror of my mum's temper and was quiet as a mouse until I hit my teens and then I rebelled BIG TIME. I've still never forgiven my mum for her violence because smacking is violence however you look at it. And I would never, under any circumstance, hit my dd.

For all the people who may be happy adults who were smacked as children there are probably millions more, also happy, who weren't smacked. You make it sound like smacking is the key to a brighter future!

Weird ...

I will try all options available, i have done the sending them to corner, room, banning tv, taking things away and at times this is sufficent and it works but when they just don't want to play ball and really won't co-operate then they get a warning and then the smack!! I would be very surprised if none of the sanctions worked. And they don't get smacked everyday all day it might be 1 a week or sometimes less so it's not common thing everyday it's just there as a back up for us if we need it....so i don't want you to get the impression that they get smacked all the time, cause they don't...i don't think there is anything wrong with a back up plan

gaah.
You plan to hit your children. Wrong.
You teach them that hitting is the way to get what you want when all else fails. Wrong.
You control through physical fear of more pain. Wrong.

You are wrong.

imaginaryfriend i am sorry that you suffered with your mums temper but there is a difference from lashing out in temper and controlled smacking. And i don't think smacking is the answer to a brighter future, i just think that people should stop preaching to those that choose to!!!

BITCAT

I'm not preaching. I'm telling you that you are morally wrong.

Think I'm beginning to feel a bit more absolutist on this one after all.

about the smacking thing that you all seem to think is wrong, i used to have this opinion too but what if you have a chil who just wont listen to you at all, does dangerous things such as run out onto roads leaving you trying to run after her while not getting baby in buggy hit by car!!! seems to thouroughly enjoy the naughty corner/step!! really doesnt seem that bothered when her favourie things are taken away unless its her ds, or tv! but then what do you do once they are gone but she is still being bad?

i have i had to stop being so single minded on the smacking thing and have learned that it only took a few smacks on the bottom after a warning that was ignored now all i have to do is say i am going to count to three and if you havent done whatever you will be smacked!! is that absolutly wrong or shall i just let my ds contiue running the whole family and endangering her life?

Who are you to tell me i'm morally wrong have i said you are wrong for not smacking!! It is not yours nor societies right or choice to decide how someone else goes about disaplining there children!! Nobody actually knows full stop whether it does/ doesn't work and but as i do have pretty good kids, that are generally well behaved and do not fear me all my children do and can talk openly to me about anything. I have no concerns about them or the way in which we have brought them up. Right i must go and pick my little cherubs up from school and no i don't believe there are any absolute rights or wrongs of parenting, only that of neglect, and abuse is def wrong...i cry when i see those nspcc ads on tv!!poor kiddies..these are the parents that are wrong..what i do doesn't compare to what these poor little ones go through. Parenting is all about learning in any case...none of us perfect and we don't get handed a book when we have a baby about how to be a parent we have to learn and sometimes we make mistakes!! i have made a few, but i don't think the smacking 1 of them as i do love my children dearly and would rather not smack them, i feel bad for doing it...so i am not evil..just a back up and a need for me to have that back up!!!

Well, society does have a say in how you discipline your child, as you would discover if you beat them with a paddle for example.

totally agree with bitcat!!!

micci25 exactly my point, you are not doing it to be cruel or hurtful to your child you are doing it because you have tried other approaches and you have found something that works, i don't see what is wrong with that and you have given warnings, which is what i do!!!

ThefallenMadonna we are not talking about beating our children!! And if you read it you will see that i did say abuse and neglect of a child is wrong and of course no one would stand by and let that happen, i would challenge anyone that was beating or neglecting there child as i think anyone would but i just don't think a tap on the bottom is the same and should be left alone!!!

bitcat
when they are teenagers and beyond they might start smacking you back..would that not be violence then?
i am bigger than my ds, and supposedly the grown up and it is up to me to be the adult and keep my temper in check..

i beleive in discipline yes but it takes all kinds of forms and imagination but not violence
and i want my ds to have respect for me and others and not use his fists hands or slaps and smacks to express himself...now and when he is a teenager towering over us his elderly shrinking parents...

for absolutes, you can never say never i guess and as others have said, if you make a mistake be big enough to own up, apologise and start again...its what you would expect of them

ds came out with a great line whilst being chased by grandad cause he had no knickers on..
grandad "am gonna smack your bum if i dont see any pants on"
ds 'is this a smack house then?"

my child is not a teenager and when she is older there will be more appropriate punsihments such as grounding, stopping of pocket money which she doesnt understand just yet, also i was smacked as a child, although i cant remember this so obviously i did not feel abused in any way and i would never dream of hitting my mother and never have done, she is and always will be my best friend, even though she smacked me as a child!!

Thank God someone is on my wavelength, why is it when ever someone says smacking, beating and abuse is always brought up, it is not the same!!! This is why i am getting so mad because we do what we do out of love and concern for our children and so do all other parents out there...apart from a few minority that do beat and neglect there kids. So we go about things differently aslong as the children happy, healthy and well cared for, does it matter that we all have different views, i will leave it at that...thank you micci25

You said "It is not yours nor societies right or choice to decide how someone else goes about disaplining there children!!"

I was pointing out that it is the choice of our society to decide on, or at least restrict, some forms of 'discipline'.

And in some societies, your choice would be illegal.

That's all.

I didn't suggest you beat your children.

Well said micci25, exactly my point and also there father would never allow them to raise there hand to me and i would never have raised a hand to my mother, and i was smacked..i don't speak to my mother now, we just don't get on but not because of the smacking, more because she couldn't let go even though i was 18 she still wanted to live my life for me...told to make a choice him or us well you can guess what i chose..and we've been together 14yrs...but i would still never hit my mum!!!!

I do hope you two are making each other feel a bit better?

Just to clarify Bitcat - have you bitten your children too? "they don't bite anymore because they know that if they bite, they are going to get biten back and they realise it hurts!!"

i dont need any one to make me feel better because i know that i am making choices that are appropriate for my child and that i have explored other options!! my child does not get beaten or smacked just for the sake of it! it happens only when she is blatantly ignoring what i am asking her to do or when she is doing something dangerous and she is always warned first what will happen if the behavior continues!

now i am off to take my abused child to her dance class

yes i have and it works, of course i don't do it hard and draw blood or anything but i know many mothers who do this and including my own and it's proven to work, as it has done for me, friends of mine and my own mother. Thats it i'm off to spend time with my children now they are home and get tea on!! Saying no more on this subject as i can't stand the self righteous snobbery of it all, when you have a child who is doing something dangerous and you really need to put a stop to it and everything else fails, but smacking then you can comment...i really hope this happens to some of you so you can appreciate what i am saying!!!

I don't understand why it is self righteous or snobbish to say that it is wrong for anyone to hit anyone else - but it is especially wrong for big people to hit little people.

I am not saying that I have never done it. I am not saying that I don't understand why people ae driven to it. What I am saying is that it is unequivocally wrong.