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Parenting

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Original poster

Toddler adoption

134 replies

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 10:17

Hi.
Does anybody have experience of putting an older child up for adoption or know where I can get some guidance? Looking online hasn’t helped as it’s about being pregnant and wanting to set up an adoption. My child is two.
Thanks

OP posts:

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NoPrivateSpy · 13/12/2022 10:19

Can you contact your local social services to talk to someone.

OP, are you ok?

ApolloandDaphne · 13/12/2022 10:23

You can't just put a child up for adoption. You would need to speak to SS about the issues you are having which are leading you to consider this and then work with them on trying to super you to look after your child. Only in the most serious of conditions would adoption be considered.

Can you elaborate on your reasons for warning to do this? No judgement here. I am a retired SW and I sit on adoption/ Fostering panels and I ( and other with similar experience) might be able to help you. I can't imagine this is something you would ask about lightly.

Original poster

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 10:39

Thanks. Yes this is what I was after, I couldn’t even figure out what the first steps were. I don’t mean for this to sound flippant, but I can’t think of another way to ask. You aren’t allowed to just want your child to have a better life? I struggle with my mental health and he could get a much better upbringing with a family that really wants a child and would be able to parent him well. Im trying to prevent him seeing rock bottom and then being ‘taken away’.

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Original poster

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 10:40

Thanks

OP posts:

heldinadream · 13/12/2022 10:45

No idea what your struggles are OP, but really feel for you. I hope you and dc get whatever help it is that you need.

Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 13/12/2022 10:48

What help have you sought so far op? Your local council will have an Early Intervention team. Not ss but they do offer great support and def no judging. Is your health visitor aware your mh is in crisis?

Original poster

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 10:51

I don’t have a health visitor unfortunately, I just had the standard checks for my son in the first few months and then 10 month check.
Okay I will see what the local council have thanks.

OP posts:

Ted27 · 13/12/2022 10:54

@Friendtopia
I'm really sorry that you are feeling like this.
I'm an adoptive mum..The best place for any child is within the birth family, as long as the family is able to care for them safely.
It's very brave of you to think about putting your child's needs first, but adoption is a drastic step with enormous long term implications for both you and your child.
Social workers will try and keep a child within the birth family, that includes the father and his family. How would you feel about that?
I know that you will not be thinking about this lightly. You do need to contact social services, but do so in the spirit of seeking help and support for your current situation so you don't reach that rock bottom.
Do you have any help or support now?

Widgets · 13/12/2022 11:01

Contact your local children’s services, they will offer support and advice regarding your current situation. Just google your local authority and ring the main switch board number and ask for children’s services or if you have a local children’s centre you can walk in and speak to a family support worker about your worries.
You could also speak to your GP or health visitor and they can send a referral for you.
Please seek help, there are lots of professionals and services that can help you and your son

Original poster

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 11:04

Thanks @Ted27

I guess I am being a little naive. In my head a closed adoption means a new life for him. If he is placed with a family member then he knows that I ‘couldn’t cope’ etc or if I pass away he has to live with that. Adoption blocks that out for him in my head, but perhaps that is not the right way to look at it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 11:05

Thanks. I guess I’m just worried about someone else taking over and making the decisions when I think of social services. I want him to have a good life with a good family. Not with me or his Dad.

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ApolloandDaphne · 13/12/2022 11:08

SS need to exhaust all kinship (family) options before even considering adoption out with the family. I rather suspect what you need is support rather than having your child adopted. If you have a local Homestart they are good for support and they also have links to SS if they feel a referral is needed. You can self refer to Homestart.

Rainallnight · 13/12/2022 11:12

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 11:05

Thanks. I guess I’m just worried about someone else taking over and making the decisions when I think of social services. I want him to have a good life with a good family. Not with me or his Dad.

They won’t take over and make all the decisions. They’ll want to work with you on solutions.

I’m an adoptive parent and I agree with Ted - it’s a huge decision and really not straightforward for a child growing up in a family that’s not their birth family.

I agree with PPs that your councils Early Help team should be you first port of call. Would you like any help from us in finding out the info?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You sound like a lovely mum who wants the best for your little one.

Original poster

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 11:13

Okay thanks. I guess I need to think about the reality of him being put with other family rather than being able to give him a better life. It’s hard when there are so many people longing to nourish a child.

OP posts:

NotMeNoNo · 13/12/2022 11:14

Your local authority children's services should be able to help if you are struggling, they would much rather help a family stay together. If things are very bad/unsafe short term foster care may be an option. Ring and ask to speak to duty social worker.

Original poster

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 11:15

Yes I’ve just had a look at early help and I need to find someone to refer me. I don’t really want help for me though, so that’s what I was trying to get around. But I guess I’ve got to do the work to get him the life he needs.

OP posts:

Original poster

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 11:17

Thanks. I guess in my head it seems like putting the child through trauma just to keep him with his mum. But I appreciate there is also trauma with adoption

OP posts:

Ted27 · 13/12/2022 11:17

@Friendtopia

If he was adopted outside of your family, he will still know about you. Adopted children are not brought up in ignorance of their birth family.
Why do you think you are not a 'good' family?
My son is 18 years old, he was taken into care when he was 4 and came to me when he was 7.
Neither of his birth parents are bad people, both have mental health and other problems. What neither of then could do was put the needs of their children first and take the help that was offered and make the changes necessary to enable them to keep their sons.
My son is doing really well, he has a good understanding of his past but he has had a hard time getting here. As much as I love him and he loves me, the loss of his birth family is very difficult for him and he will carry the emotional scars for the rest of his life.

PandaOrLion · 13/12/2022 11:20

Are you currently pregnant with a toddler? Have a chat with your midwife or the team managing your care. They can do an early help referral. Does your child go to a nursery as they can do one too.

Original poster

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 11:20

@Ted27 thanks for sharing. I guess I have an idea in my head of how it would be helpful for him but it’s not what the reality would be like.
I guess I just don’t want him to have a bad life with me and see me struggle or pass away, but then I guess that’s life.

OP posts:

Original poster

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 11:21

No I’m not pregnant just have one toddler.

OP posts:

LeafHunter · 13/12/2022 11:24

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 11:21

No I’m not pregnant just have one toddler.

Sorry, I read your OP wrong.

Rainallnight · 13/12/2022 11:26

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 11:15

Do they say what the referral routes are in your area? It could be the GP or the health visitor - could you make contact with one of them?

mrsed1987 · 13/12/2022 11:27

You can refer yourself, just ring the local children's services.

I will say, adoption will not be easy for your toddler, he is coming in to such an important stage of his life, between 2 and 5. Please get the help you need x

NeverBeCalledMum · 13/12/2022 11:38

It is, I'd take in a child in a heartbeat, but where we are, you can't adopt if you are over 40 and i'm 41 :(

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