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Original poster

Toddler adoption

134 replies

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 10:17

Hi.
Does anybody have experience of putting an older child up for adoption or know where I can get some guidance? Looking online hasn’t helped as it’s about being pregnant and wanting to set up an adoption. My child is two.
Thanks

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Original poster
Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 15:54

@Ted27 okay thanks will take a look. I’m not super active on this site

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pompomsandtinsel · 13/12/2022 16:13

www.home-start.org.uk/pages/category/things-we-can-help-with

Please contact homestart. They will help you manage on a practical level day to day. Be honest and open with them.

OurChristmasMiracle · 13/12/2022 16:32

@Ted27 thank you for thinking of me

@Friendtopia as a birth mum I can fully understand your wish to give your child the very best start in life and admire your selflessness in admitting that right now that may not be with you. However it does sound as if you are struggling with mental health and that you need support. Please access this for both yourself and your child. Adoption isn’t something that can be reversed and you may regret it.

there is support out there. It isn’t always easy to access. Depending on where you are in the country I am happy to help you find and access support services in your area including counselling longer term. There are some organisations out there that offer free or low cost counselling and will base cost on your income.

it may also be useful to access children’s centres to get some support and meet other mums. You could also ask about 2 year funding for 15 hours which would give you a break from being 24/7 mum and time to look after yourself- please remember that looking after yourself is also a way to look after your child.

I am happy for you to inbox me and I am happy to support you in any way I can.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Original poster
Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 17:22

@OurChristmasMiracle thanks for taking the time to post. Probably sounds silly but I think my thought process is if I ask for help then he will get taken away, so if he gets taken I would rather be able to be a part of deciding what happens.
I can see from what people have shared that it’s not really how it works.
I understand it’s not reversible but then it would only be me suffering not both of us like now.
I will have to try and look at some support I guess.

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GetOutOfMyVadge · 13/12/2022 18:30

If he’s safe and fed then I think that staying with you would be the least amount of suffering for him. Being separated from you would cause immense suffering for him, you are his world.

You sound like such a conscientious Mum and that you urgently need support with your mental health. The feeling that those you love would be better off without you is a common part of depression and tends to be untrue.

Toddlers are such crazy hard work and can trigger us into acting like people we do not want to be.

Do you have a plan to get through tomorrow? Do you go to any playgroups? Most children’s centres have playgroups where you can go for him to have fun and hopefully help your sanity. They also have family support workers who should be able to help you in the spot.

It sounds like you’re having a seriously tough time and you need to be honest about the extent of it so you can get full support. SS will not remove him from you unless he’s at risk.

Soontobe60 · 13/12/2022 18:40

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 10:51

I don’t have a health visitor unfortunately, I just had the standard checks for my son in the first few months and then 10 month check.
Okay I will see what the local council have thanks.

Please speak to your midwife about this. They are geared up to supporting women who may have mental health issues whilst pregnant. Believe me, there are many agencies out there who can support you and your children. That’s the main remit of childrens social workers - to keep families together. Please take care x

OurChristmasMiracle · 13/12/2022 18:58

@Friendtopia I promise you asking for support is not a reason for them to take your son away- if anything the fact that you are able to say “I’m struggling and need support” will show that you can and will access appropriate services and get help which therefore protects your child.

Original poster
Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 18:58

@GetOutOfMyVadge thanks. Yes I try to get out and be busy but nothing really works. I guess I should be thinking that I am meeting his basic needs. Just when he gets older it’s probably not really enough.

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Original poster
Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 19:02

@Soontobe60 I don’t have a midwife either. Not seen anyone in over a year. I think he gets a check at 2.5 years

OP posts:
GetOutOfMyVadge · 13/12/2022 19:08

Are there any specific things you’re struggling with?

Have you decided on who to contact and do you feel able to do it?

helpfulperson · 13/12/2022 19:09

by asking for help you are doing the one thing that will vastly reduce the chances of social services 'taking your child away'. you are showing that you can put the needs of the child above yours. it may be that with a bit of help everything will be fine. it may be that sometimes due to your mental health issues it may be better for him to spend some time with foster carers or family but through this you will still be his mum and the aim will still always be to have him back with you.

RewildingAmbridge · 13/12/2022 19:09

OP if you DM me I should be able to find the number for the duty social worker in your area, I wouldn't use this as a first resort I'd try early help/early intervention but if it's too complicated or you can't work out how to access them, the duty social worker will know everything there is on offer in your area, best to call in office hours. I don't think you give yourself credit for recognising the impact your mental health can have in your child, the fact you do tells me with the right support you can do this if that's the right choice for you. So many parents don't think about or deny the impact of their behaviour and wellbeing on their children, so you've got a head start there.

Georgeskitchen · 13/12/2022 19:18

There is no shame in admitting you're struggling to cope. See your GP and ask them to refer you to the support systems x

Isthatmcormac · 13/12/2022 19:46

Probably sounds silly but I think my thought process is if I ask for help then he will get taken away, so if he gets taken I would rather be able to be a part of deciding what happens. I can see from what people have shared that it’s not really how it works.

I can understand where your thought process is coming from @Friendtopia - but I really hope you can see from all these posts that it’s not the case at all 😊
Recognising that you need help to be the best you can be for your son is a HUGE head start here. As @RewildingAmbridge said, so many parents can’t see this or deny this.
I hope all the answers you’ve had here give you the confidence to ask for help in real life. And I hope you understand just how strong and brave you are for admitting that you’re not ok ❤️

Original poster
Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 19:47

@GetOutOfMyVadge no not at the moment.

OP posts:
Realfastfoodie · 13/12/2022 19:47

You really sound to be a wonderful mother going through a difficult time. Every post you make gives me confidence that you are doing everything you can to put your child first. I have a boy the same age; you are his whole world, mama, your love will get you both through.

Please reach out to social services, talk to your GP, contact homestart or go to a Children’s centre. You need help, not adoption services.

Original poster
Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 19:48

@RewildingAmbridge thanks. I think I found it in google. Silly but I didn’t think I got any help like that after the initial checks.

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Original poster
Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 19:51

I think it doesn’t help that I asked my GP when he was first born and I got referred for counselling but I missed the call for the first session and then they took me straight off the list. So that’s put me off a bit. Thanks everyone for replying, it has been helpful to be able to get my head around how I feel a little bit. And when I think I can, I can try some local services.

OP posts:
Ted27 · 13/12/2022 20:25

@Friendtopia

I wonder what response you thought you would get when you posted? Did you think people would agree that you aren’t a good mum and that your son would be better off without you?
No one on this thread thinks that, you have had loads of support and great advice. Its a lot to get your head around. Let it all sink in and when you are ready take that next step to find support.
The last thing I would add is don’t underestimate the importance of you, the individual you, to your son.
As an adoptive mum I’ve never forgotten that my son has another mum out there. He has not seen or had any contact with her since he was 4. He still worries about her, wants to know she is ok. We are both secure in the relationship we have with each other, but he still carries a deep sense of loss. As for her, she has lost so much, watching him and his siblings grow up, the life they could have had. I feel desparately sad for her.
Don’t be her.

Original poster
Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 20:37

@Ted27 i don’t think I thought about opinions I would get, just my questions about adoption and giving him a better life.
Thanks for your advice and your perspective as someone who has adopted

OP posts:
LazJaz · 13/12/2022 20:45

Want to wish you the very best OP.
struggles with MH and a toddler are such a difficult combination, but asking for support is so brave and demonstrates that, as others have said, you’re putting your son’s needs above your own. This makes you a good parent.
I really struggle with my MH too and have a toddler myself. I have also had the fobbing off from the NHS for missing an appointment etc. I’m so sorry that this has happened to you too - you’re not alone.
I hope you keep pushing for the help you need and deserve.
sending you and your little one lots of love xx

worstusernameeverx2 · 13/12/2022 22:58

Could you possibly be an in-patient at a mental health unit that house mothers and baby's? Your poor mental health won't be forever and when it's better you will likely regret your decision. You need to scream as loud as you can to SS and mental health services. I'm so sorry you're in this position, you will get better.

fifteenohfour · 13/12/2022 23:04

https://www.proceduresonline.com/lancashirecsc/prelinquishedd_children.html

This is lancashire county councils procedure on discussing relinquishing your children. I under stand the pain you are in right now it seems like there is no way forward, but honestly take the steps to contact your local council, they will assess you are support you to either have your children remain at home with support and guidance. Your children may become a child in need or a child of interest, it may be that they agree with you for the time being and the children are placed with other family or foster carers until you are in a better place to care for them.

Babies are best with birth mum, that's the ethos of any adoption agency or council, so they will be trying everything they can to support you to look after your little ones.

Manamala · 14/12/2022 10:49

It can feel so hard to reach out and I’m really sorry to hear your GP practice failed you.

How about live web chat or a phone call with Gingerbread as a first step? They will be a friendly unjudgemental ear who can help you figure out your next steps and what support you need/how to find it.

www.gingerbread.org.uk/what-we-do/contact-us/webchat/

The web chat is open 12-1pm today

The free helpline is open 10am-1pm & 5-7pm and the number is 0808 802 0925

Original poster
Friendtopia · 14/12/2022 14:49

@Manamala thank you for this. Haven’t heard of them but will make contact, thank you

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