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Parenting

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Original poster

Toddler adoption

134 replies

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 10:17

Hi.
Does anybody have experience of putting an older child up for adoption or know where I can get some guidance? Looking online hasn’t helped as it’s about being pregnant and wanting to set up an adoption. My child is two.
Thanks

OP posts:
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NeverBeCalledMum · 13/12/2022 11:40

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 11:13

Okay thanks. I guess I need to think about the reality of him being put with other family rather than being able to give him a better life. It’s hard when there are so many people longing to nourish a child.

It is, I'd take in a child in a heartbeat, but where we are, you can't adopt if you are over 40 and i'm 41 :(

missymousey · 13/12/2022 11:44

OP you sound like such a lovely caring mum, to be thinking of the best for your little one when things are obviously really hard for you. It might be impossible to believe at the moment, but you and your love really are what he needs to have the best life. Don't give up on yourself, you are important too.

As others have said, Social Services or Homestart if you have one nearby could make a difference. Your local council might also have or know about other support services for mums and toddlers that are struggling, please ask them.

GetOutOfMyVadge · 13/12/2022 11:56

Is he safe right now? If things are very bad or he’s at risk of emotional/physical harm you can call child services or the police on 101 and they can take him somewhere safe temporarily while you get the help you need.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Original poster
Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 12:02

Thanks for the responses it’s been helpful to see what the first step should be

OP posts:
Original poster
Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 12:07

He is safe right now I just don’t want something to happen to me because I’m not doing well, was trying to think of preventative options

OP posts:
Isthatmcormac · 13/12/2022 12:11

It sounds like you’re really trying to think what would be best for your son @Friendtopia which means you’re not a bad mum.

You’ve mentioned a few times in your replies that you don’t want him to see you pass away. Is there a reason that you feel that’s such a strong possibility? Do you have difficulties with substances or self harm? Are your son and you both currently safe?

I don’t have any experience with adoption but it sounds like there are lots of experienced people here who can give you advice. You’re right, there are thousands of people out there longing for a child BUT, I’m sure even any adoptive parent would tell you that the best place for a child is with their birth parents, provided that can be a safe and loving environment for them.

Can I ask though, if you were to completely forget about adoption and your son HAS to stay with you, what help would you need to make that feel like a better option for you? Just general help with your toddler? Help with mental health? Substance abuse? Help to get a fresh start away from where you are?

Original poster
Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 12:19

Yes we are safe.

Thanks that’s a good way to ask. I don’t know what would help me. I’m a single parent so I can’t change that. I guess I need to accept it’s always going to be a struggle and his life will be affected by my struggles. That’s what makes me want to put him with people who would do better

OP posts:
Widgets · 13/12/2022 12:26

NeverBeCalledMum · 13/12/2022 11:38

It is, I'd take in a child in a heartbeat, but where we are, you can't adopt if you are over 40 and i'm 41 :(

are you in the UK?
not being able to adopt due to age is not true, agencies and local authorities might match older children with older perspective adopters but 40 is not old at all, on my adoption prep course most were older and I know people in there 40’s matched with babies.
Speak to your local authority to check, there are lots of adoption myths that put people off and they simply aren’t true

Floralnomad · 13/12/2022 12:33

@Friendtopia you sound like a lovely caring mum and that is what your child needs . Please go to your GP and get yourself some help and get in touch with your local childrens services to see what they can offer you to help .

NeverBeCalledMum · 13/12/2022 12:39

Widgets · 13/12/2022 12:26

are you in the UK?
not being able to adopt due to age is not true, agencies and local authorities might match older children with older perspective adopters but 40 is not old at all, on my adoption prep course most were older and I know people in there 40’s matched with babies.
Speak to your local authority to check, there are lots of adoption myths that put people off and they simply aren’t true

Show quote history

No, we aren't in the UK.

EL0ISE · 13/12/2022 12:47

@NeverBeCalledMum I understand that childlessness is very painful and your are obviously hurting. But so is the Op with a different dilemma.

Why don't you explore the options for adoption in the country where you live? You could start a thread on the adoption boards here, although most MN live in the Uk .

The OP really needs this space to look at what’s best for her and her child .

Isthatmcormac · 13/12/2022 12:54

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 12:19

Yes we are safe.

Thanks that’s a good way to ask. I don’t know what would help me. I’m a single parent so I can’t change that. I guess I need to accept it’s always going to be a struggle and his life will be affected by my struggles. That’s what makes me want to put him with people who would do better

@Friendtopia Being a single parent must be difficult. I actually have a son the same age as yours and my DH works away from home for months at a time and I find it incredibly challenging so honestly, I really applaud you being a single parent. I know it can’t be easy at all.
Maybe talking to someone would help. Would you be able to speak to a therapist who may be able to help with more specific struggles that you’re having? Or if you’d be happy to share any more specific issues here then there may be someone that can point you in the right direction of some services that could help you?

felulageller · 13/12/2022 12:58

You can relinquish a child in the UK but it's highly unusual.

You can just walk into a social work office and leave your child. They will be placed into emergency foster care until long term plans can be made. They will try to rehabilitate the child to your care, with support.

If you are determined you don't want to see the child again they will seek out other blood relatives and others the child has a pre-existing relationship with. This will include the biological father regardless of PRR. Once you have given up your rights there is nothing you can do to stop him parenting the child, or choosing someone else eg his family.

So unless everyone of the child's relatives refuses or are people with their own severe problems the child won't be considered for adoption.

Also there's the issue of adopters wanting babies not older children. The legal process could take up to 2 years so he'd be looking at being 4 by the time of adoption. At that age he may end up being stuck in foster care for the rest of his childhood. Then there's the risk of this breaking down, especially in teen years so he may end up in a home.

So really unless you are severely neglecting him he is much better off with you than in care.

You can self refer to social services for voluntary support. It varies by area but you should get some decent support.

drspouse · 13/12/2022 13:24

NeverBeCalledMum · 13/12/2022 11:40

It is, I'd take in a child in a heartbeat, but where we are, you can't adopt if you are over 40 and i'm 41 :(

Show quote history

I know you mean well, but please don't post this. This child doesn't exist to give you a family.
I am also an adoptive mum and agree that the best place for a child is with their birth family if that's possible.

ittakes2 · 13/12/2022 13:41

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 10:39

Thanks. Yes this is what I was after, I couldn’t even figure out what the first steps were. I don’t mean for this to sound flippant, but I can’t think of another way to ask. You aren’t allowed to just want your child to have a better life? I struggle with my mental health and he could get a much better upbringing with a family that really wants a child and would be able to parent him well. Im trying to prevent him seeing rock bottom and then being ‘taken away’.

Good luck op. I hope your journey brings the best for you and your child. With all the terrible news reports about neglected children I have wondered why the parents had not reached out for help before the disaster. So hats off to you for wanting the best for your child whatever that will be.

HammerToFall · 13/12/2022 14:40

You can be arrested for abandonment. I know this first hand when I had to refuse to have my child come home to get her the help she desperately needed. Social services wouldn't facilitate a section 20 and threatened me with a charge of abandonment. The police came out. My daughter is adopted and has horrendous attachment issues, she was self harming, going missing for days on end taking drugs she is 14. Please think very carefully before you do this. It can really cause horrendous issues for the child and my daughter was removed at birth.

HippyChickMama · 13/12/2022 14:52

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 10:51

I don’t have a health visitor unfortunately, I just had the standard checks for my son in the first few months and then 10 month check.
Okay I will see what the local council have thanks.

You do have a health visitor, everyone in the UK with a child under school age has access to a health visitor. You can contact them by Googling your area + health visitors or there should be a contact number in your child's red book. Please consider contacting them for help, they can put you in touch with other agencies that can help you whatever your decision

Original poster
Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 15:40

felulageller · 13/12/2022 12:58

You can relinquish a child in the UK but it's highly unusual.

You can just walk into a social work office and leave your child. They will be placed into emergency foster care until long term plans can be made. They will try to rehabilitate the child to your care, with support.

If you are determined you don't want to see the child again they will seek out other blood relatives and others the child has a pre-existing relationship with. This will include the biological father regardless of PRR. Once you have given up your rights there is nothing you can do to stop him parenting the child, or choosing someone else eg his family.

So unless everyone of the child's relatives refuses or are people with their own severe problems the child won't be considered for adoption.

Also there's the issue of adopters wanting babies not older children. The legal process could take up to 2 years so he'd be looking at being 4 by the time of adoption. At that age he may end up being stuck in foster care for the rest of his childhood. Then there's the risk of this breaking down, especially in teen years so he may end up in a home.

So really unless you are severely neglecting him he is much better off with you than in care.

You can self refer to social services for voluntary support. It varies by area but you should get some decent support.

Thanks. This helps give me an idea of what would actually happen.

Also sorry I’ve just realised how to reply I thought I was doing that already.

OP posts:
Original poster
Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 15:42

@Isthatmcormac thanks. I’ve had some therapy that I had to pay for as NHS weren’t very flexible but I don’t have the money anymore. I think some of the local community things people have posted on here would be the best place for me to start.

OP posts:
Knors · 13/12/2022 15:45

Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 10:39

Thanks. Yes this is what I was after, I couldn’t even figure out what the first steps were. I don’t mean for this to sound flippant, but I can’t think of another way to ask. You aren’t allowed to just want your child to have a better life? I struggle with my mental health and he could get a much better upbringing with a family that really wants a child and would be able to parent him well. Im trying to prevent him seeing rock bottom and then being ‘taken away’.

OP I respect this. We often hear about women who are stringing and then end up taking it out on their precious children.

I respect you A LOT for this. I hope you get all the info you need and I hope you take care of yourself x

workinmums · 13/12/2022 15:48

HammerToFall · 13/12/2022 14:40

You can be arrested for abandonment. I know this first hand when I had to refuse to have my child come home to get her the help she desperately needed. Social services wouldn't facilitate a section 20 and threatened me with a charge of abandonment. The police came out. My daughter is adopted and has horrendous attachment issues, she was self harming, going missing for days on end taking drugs she is 14. Please think very carefully before you do this. It can really cause horrendous issues for the child and my daughter was removed at birth.

She's literally asking for advice about the right and legal way to do it 🙄

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 13/12/2022 15:49
Flowers I honestly believe the best thing for your toddler would be for you to ask for help for you to keep him and help him thrive.

My DC were 2 and 8 when we adopted them. They had to go into care and then be adopted. Adoption was the least worst option for them, but they have both been massively impacted by everything.

Don't underestimate the value you bring.

Flowers
Ted27 · 13/12/2022 15:50

@Friendtopia

it would be worth posting on the adoption board. There are a few birth mums there who may feel able to share their experience of their children going into care. @OurChristmasMiracle would be a good person to make contact with

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/12/2022 15:50

Dear OP

you have posted on an open forum, and you have received nothing but support and good wishes. Please believe that you will receive the same in real life if you reach out for help.

The public services will try their best to help, but there are also other informal groups, churches, charities and friendship groups which will also support you and help you give your child the life he deserves with his mother.

I wish you well with all my heart.

Original poster
Friendtopia · 13/12/2022 15:53

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 13/12/2022 15:50

Dear OP

you have posted on an open forum, and you have received nothing but support and good wishes. Please believe that you will receive the same in real life if you reach out for help.

The public services will try their best to help, but there are also other informal groups, churches, charities and friendship groups which will also support you and help you give your child the life he deserves with his mother.

I wish you well with all my heart.

Thank you this is very kind and you make a good point

OP posts: