Toddlers are exhausting at the best of times, let alone when you’re going through a hard time yourself 💐
Janet Lansbury has been my saviour, I have seen such a reduction in my LOs meltdowns since using her ‘respectful parenting’ approach. It mainly revolves around validating their big emotions but maintaining firm boundaries and being an unflustered guide for them to explode around. Their intense feelings and impulses terrify them, and they test them out around us - if we appear unfazed they learn that feelings are natural and normal.
She has lots of articles on her website and they are also in podcast form.
www.janetlansbury.com/2020/12/the-blessing-of-a-meltdown/
Also if you can find time to read/listen to an audiobook, I have found Hunt Gather, Parent and How to Talk So Little Kids will Listen revolutionary. They fit alongside the Lansbury approach - things like validating, ‘sportscasting’ and appearing calm and saying as little as possible to lower the energy when there’s a big intense outburst.
Some of it feels counterintuitive but it really works. Sometimes it’s as simple as ‘name it to tame it’ e.g ‘you sound really angry’ or acknowledging and then implementing a clear boundary ‘You’re upset because you really wanted to run into the road. I can’t let you do that because the cars are dangerous’. The feeling of being understood and heard can really help soothe them, even though you won’t let them do the thing. Also avoiding saying ‘don’t’ or ‘you can’t’ as these words are like dynamite to them.
I’m in therapy at the moment and the most helpful thing has been to focus on breathing, which seems so obvious now but didn’t before. My therapist taught me that my nervous system was in overdrive and I was in a constant state of fight/flight and not breathing deeply at all, which made it very hard to manage my mood. Stopping for a minute and breathing deeply and exhaling very slowly calms your nervous system and makes you feel more able to cope.