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Original poster

Husband wants to go travelling for three months when DC is five

129 replies

Lilyyy · 10/12/2022 21:53

DH has told me he’s going travelling across South America with friends when our baby is 5, currently she’s 7 months.

He’s given me lots of notice as he says he is going to start saving.

part of me is annoyed because this will cost a lot and will have an impact on things we do as a family, plus that I’ll be expected to be the sole parent for three months. He doesn’t see the problem as he’s given me a lot of notice.
would you be annoyed or am I being unfair?

OP posts:
cravingmilkshake · 11/12/2022 07:53

My husband wants to go travelling in the summer of ther year our twins start school (they will ne almost 5) he asked me and I said yes..... because he asked for all 5 of us to go. .......

Phineyj · 11/12/2022 08:12

I quite like the idea that you each get a 90 day allowance and you start using yours now. Come to think of it, we did something similar - I had around 14 days "off" as weekends here and there, and DH did a two week cycling trip when DD was 6.

The irony being that after 90 days of solo parenting he'll be attached to his child hopefully and not want to leave them for 3 months.

Of course he won't agree to you also having 90 days, and the reasons will tell you a lot.

cansu · 11/12/2022 08:28

I think it depends on whether he also supports your dreams and wishes. How would it be with him if you decided next year to go off for even a fortnight without him and the baby?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

5 year olds 6-9 months old Babies & sleep Families
strawberrysummer19 · 11/12/2022 08:58

I just asked my DH and he said it's not something he would consider as 'normal' he thinks he is planning on not being with you long term
I'm sorry that sounds awful but that was his opinion on this
He wouldn't want to leave us for 3 months
I think even a holiday is a big ask! But that's just my opinion obviously

It sounds like he's single

Sorry op I'd have a long hard think

Hate ultimatums but I'd be saying if this is what he wants maybe he needs to consider if he wants this relationship

X

bakewellbride · 11/12/2022 08:59

I told my dh about this thread this morning and he didn't think it was real at first.

Kalasbyxor · 11/12/2022 09:38

deeper, I didn't say it was for OP to sort out. She can screen shot my post and forward to him.

I am really curious as to why there is such a strong blanket "no" to OP's DP's idea on this thread. Parenthood changes the context of our lives immeasurably, but is it really so outrageous to want to retain some of our pre-progeny independence, or at least to dream of it (which is all he's doing at the moment)? If the logistics are achievable, why is it problematic? Lots of people work away for long periods (TV production, research, construction and engineering, third sector in my circle of acquaintance), or study abroad for a specific qualification (my mum studied away for a few months when I was 3, my dad looked after 3 DC). Forces families may see a parent being away from home for significant periods. Is the problem that OP's DP 'just' wants an adventure? I find it weird that OP's DP expressing a 'want' is giving rise to such derision. Maybe it is indicative of him regarding the OP as the default parent (this needs to be unpicked), but maybe their relationship is one where both partners are comfortable sharing their dreams and plans for the future, and he's just misjudged this one.

Is it possible that, alongside "Project Family", on the drawing board of OP's life, there are also separate and equally important life-goal categories for "Project OP" and "Project Mr OP" which can be worked on concurrently, and which may include a trip such as the one OP's DP is suggesting?

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 11/12/2022 09:40

It will be an expensive holiday alright

Especially once he's factored in the cost of the divorce

MsRosley · 11/12/2022 09:58

Aria2015 · 11/12/2022 00:33

I don't know anything about your dh but mine can come up with quite crazy ideas from time to time. I have learnt over the years, if one of these crazy ideas is something not happening in the immediate future, to just say nothing and 'appear" to listen. I don't get in an argument, I don't get upset, I don't agree to anything or disagree. When I do this, he ALWAYS ends up talking himself out of his own plan and it never happens.

My advice would be, you have a 5 month old baby, Christmas is coming up, save yourself the stress and upset of confronting this now. It's supposedly something he wants to happen in 4.5 years so it's not an immediate 'threat'. Don't agree or disagree, don't comment particularly, just say something vague like 'this is very unexpected and I have some things I need to work out in my head before I can chat further about it'. If he pushes you to agree or chat further, just push his own point back on him, it's over 4 years away, there is zero rush for you to do or say anything and then just leave it.

I find this approach disarms my dh because he doesn't get the push back he expects. He then starts to really think about the reality of his crazy idea and slowly he talks himself out of it.

Honestly, I've done it the other way, where I've got upset or angry or stressed or worried, but nothing is more effective than saying nothing.

Or you could tell him plainly and simply why he's being a selfish wanker. No need to play games.

Pipsquiggle · 11/12/2022 10:00

Kalasbyxor · 11/12/2022 09:38

deeper, I didn't say it was for OP to sort out. She can screen shot my post and forward to him.

I am really curious as to why there is such a strong blanket "no" to OP's DP's idea on this thread. Parenthood changes the context of our lives immeasurably, but is it really so outrageous to want to retain some of our pre-progeny independence, or at least to dream of it (which is all he's doing at the moment)? If the logistics are achievable, why is it problematic? Lots of people work away for long periods (TV production, research, construction and engineering, third sector in my circle of acquaintance), or study abroad for a specific qualification (my mum studied away for a few months when I was 3, my dad looked after 3 DC). Forces families may see a parent being away from home for significant periods. Is the problem that OP's DP 'just' wants an adventure? I find it weird that OP's DP expressing a 'want' is giving rise to such derision. Maybe it is indicative of him regarding the OP as the default parent (this needs to be unpicked), but maybe their relationship is one where both partners are comfortable sharing their dreams and plans for the future, and he's just misjudged this one.

Is it possible that, alongside "Project Family", on the drawing board of OP's life, there are also separate and equally important life-goal categories for "Project OP" and "Project Mr OP" which can be worked on concurrently, and which may include a trip such as the one OP's DP is suggesting?

@Kalasbyxor

People / families can parent how they like but it needs to work for the whole unit.

What people are objecting to is the diktat that DH has given - no discussion.

When people work away from home and they have a family, there is usually a lot of discussion of how it will work beforehand - particularly before DC arrive

Phineyj · 11/12/2022 10:23

I think it's different if it's for work, bringing in money, especially if the partner was already in the forces/working on an oil rig/touring as a musician/whatever when the couple decided to have children.

The idea of unilaterally announcing you'll be having 3 months off in 4 years time is still pretty odd though. It sounds like time off for good behaviour!

Aria2015 · 11/12/2022 10:39

@MsRosley I don't consider it playing games. It's just a case of not letting something that's not happening in my fear future upset me when there's a good chance it won't happen. My dh can be very faddy and gets carried away with things sometimes. It's a both lovable and annoying trait. He’s a good guy and given some time to play put his initial crazy idea, he comes to see the impracticalities and downsides that I saw from the offset. If the op thinks simply telling her dh he's been a selfish wanker is enough to put the whole thing to bed and him to forget about it, then she should go for it. The path of less resistance as all that. That's not something that's overly effective with my dh which is why I've adopted a different approach that works for us.

MsRosley · 11/12/2022 10:56

Aria2015 · 11/12/2022 10:39

@MsRosley I don't consider it playing games. It's just a case of not letting something that's not happening in my fear future upset me when there's a good chance it won't happen. My dh can be very faddy and gets carried away with things sometimes. It's a both lovable and annoying trait. He’s a good guy and given some time to play put his initial crazy idea, he comes to see the impracticalities and downsides that I saw from the offset. If the op thinks simply telling her dh he's been a selfish wanker is enough to put the whole thing to bed and him to forget about it, then she should go for it. The path of less resistance as all that. That's not something that's overly effective with my dh which is why I've adopted a different approach that works for us.

@Aria2015 Fair enough. I guess it depends what the husband is suggesting. Abdicating from family responsibility entirely for three months or just wanting to convert the attic into a gym.

GCAcademic · 11/12/2022 11:17

Neither of us in this house would pull a stunt like this because we have a dog that we are jointly responsible for, never mind a child!

Tabitha888 · 11/12/2022 11:31

A lot can happen in 4 years..... he needs to get a reality check!

Newbaby1234 · 11/12/2022 11:38

How old is he?! You can't do that.... for me that would be a end of a relationship conversation. Either he's having a midlife crisis or he's in his 20s and in both cases feels he missed out? Either way that's a no from me. Sorry if that makes me an uncool wife.

pimlicoanna · 11/12/2022 11:46

Do you usually work? Aside from anything else if you do, my first thought would be How would you cover annual leave for the school holidays for the whole year when he is away all the time and has used his up.

KnitFastDieWarm · 11/12/2022 11:57

While I agree it’s unreasonable to announce he’s off for three months, it’s totally reasonable for him to plan to fly out for a week or two to see his mates while they are there. It’s healthy to have plans and ambitions besides those of being a parent and part of a family. You don’t stop being an individual once you reproduce!

thenewduchessoflapland · 11/12/2022 11:58

velvetstars · 10/12/2022 22:00

Wtf did I just read ?! That's not a thing. You can't unilaterally opt out of parenting for a 3 month holiday on your own just because you give some notice.

Absolutely not.

My friends exH did this;he buggered off travelling during some sort of midlife crisis BS ;he was gone for 6 months and although he'd told my friend he was planning on it he didn't actually say when;he gave my friend a few days notice he was going and went.

Do you think my friend has had the opportunity to do this?

thenewduchessoflapland · 11/12/2022 12:05

Womeninthesequel · 10/12/2022 22:10

Bet you anything you like the holiday never happens.

He says he's going with his friends;are his friends partners down with that?

A lot can happen in 4 years;if any of them are single they could meet someone,they could get married and have a kid in that time.They could have children if they've not already,they could move abroad,they could change jobs etc

Also exactly how are they all getting three months off work?;is he saving money to also cover three months lost wages plus the cost of things like a temp cleaner and temp babysitter to help you cover the stuff he won't be doing for three months?

MuckyPlucky · 11/12/2022 12:07

He’ll need to ensure he doesn’t spend all his savings in Peru, as he’ll need a decent chunk left for his return…as deposit & 1 months’ rent on his room in a shitty house-share.

sorcerersapprentice · 11/12/2022 14:50

He's doesn't get the option to opt out of parenting, even with 4years notice.
He'll have to pay for it - how much will that be, £10k? No doubt that's money that would have otherwise gone to the family finances.
And take time out of work.
Let alone the impact it will have on you both and any subsequent children you may have.
A big no.

OhamIreally · 11/12/2022 16:58

So he would have to save for the trip and for three months' of his share of mortgage, household bills and childcare for while he was away.

Or he could just bugger off ending the marriage and leaving you to deal with it all. Plenty of men do this.

@Kalasbyxor you said you managed to make this work and it was great. Were you the one that went? Did your partner get an equivalent opportunity?

FurAndFeathers · 11/12/2022 17:06

Lilyyy · 10/12/2022 22:08

He doesn’t want me and DC to come as this is a friends holiday with the boys, and he hasn’t considered how I am going to look after our child while balancing full time work 🙄something I need him to tell me. He just sees it as oh I’ve given you four years notice so that’s fine

Tell him it’s fine as long as he arranges childcare and you get equal time offf and the same budget to do what you like with.

seriously though I think this is likely a reaction to the limitations of family life. I suspect the reality is setting in and he’s actually looking to escape 😞

TheOrigRights · 11/12/2022 18:17

I was pleased and nominally supportive when my then husband did this when our DS was about the same age, and again when we had 2 DS.
Now the hindsight lorry has dumped its insight on me and I'm 6 years post divorce I am able to admit I was happy for him to be away, cos he was an arse.
I knew in my heart.
How is your relationship?

QS90 · 12/12/2022 00:44

@Kalasbyxor I think the issues with it are;

  • He's leaving OP without childcare or support.
  • It will be an expensive trip. For most families, that amount of money is hard to come by, which means other family members will likely miss out on other things.
  • Although some people do have to leave their children for long periods, when it is unavoidable (for example to work), it's often far from ideal in terms of the child missing the parent. My dad for example didn't live with us for only six weeks once, because he had to stay and sell a house we were leaving and work his notice. My 2yo brother developed extreme emotional and behavioural problems as a result. He's now 26 and fine, but it was very upsetting for everyone involved at the time.
  • Presumably this wasn't something the OP expected. I think to some extent there is an unwritten contract that people have with their partners about what they expect in the relationship (which will be different in every relationship). It's then a bit unfair to change the goalposts.

I think you're right that people should still retain their own interests and hobbies after having children, but imo for good parents, the needs of their child(ren) should always come before their own wants. So doing a regular hobby, that doesn't for example take you away from the family home for three months, would be fine. But in this example, the husband is suggesting putting his own wants, above his child's (and the OPs) needs.