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Original poster

Husband wants to go travelling for three months when DC is five

129 replies

Lilyyy · 10/12/2022 21:53

DH has told me he’s going travelling across South America with friends when our baby is 5, currently she’s 7 months.

He’s given me lots of notice as he says he is going to start saving.

part of me is annoyed because this will cost a lot and will have an impact on things we do as a family, plus that I’ll be expected to be the sole parent for three months. He doesn’t see the problem as he’s given me a lot of notice.
would you be annoyed or am I being unfair?

OP posts:
bakewellbride · 10/12/2022 22:36

What a dick! 5, the age for first memories. What a bad impact it could have on the child. The child should be his top priority.

WandaWonder · 10/12/2022 22:38

PuttingDownRoots · 10/12/2022 21:57

Tell him thats fine, as you are planning a six month sailing trip when your child is four.

You put it way better than I was going too, yes this!

icegoose · 10/12/2022 22:41

Sounds like he he adjusting well to all the responsibilities that come with being a parent!

But the reality is that as a parent he can't piss off for a three month holiday by himself because he has something that he needs to actually be around to look after.

Never mind the cost of this trip.

Is he normally a selfish immature twat or this a post baby thing?

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IWasFunBeforeMum · 10/12/2022 22:41

Another man who wants to still act like he's childless with zero responsibilities!

GCAcademic · 10/12/2022 22:43

Thank him for giving you enough notice to find a new husband.

InternetRandom · 10/12/2022 22:49

Ok, these are the conditions:

  1. He saves for the trip out of whatever his own personal spending is. I.e. his contribution to household expenses or family holidays etc does not decrease to fund this. It comes from his own spending on clothes, going out and so on.

  2. He also saves for the childcare you will need to use to make life manageable during his absence.

  3. if either of the above is not met, the trip doesn't happen. Divorce will follow if he even attempts to renege on this, or if he refuses to agree to it.

catandcoffee · 10/12/2022 22:50

He should have done his travelling before he had a child.

I really think this would change the way I feel about him.

Bigbadfish · 10/12/2022 22:52

You need to look at him and say
"No you're fucking not shit for brains"

If he argues it just tell him to make sure the divorce is finalised soon and you'll be taking half those savings

dreamingbohemian · 10/12/2022 23:03

Wtf no

Doesn't he have a job?

Jaxhog · 10/12/2022 23:04

PuttingDownRoots · 10/12/2022 21:57

Tell him thats fine, as you are planning a six month sailing trip when your child is four.

This.

Mistletoemisery · 10/12/2022 23:08

A lot can change in 4 years - let him save up for it then you’ll have a nice lump sum for a family holiday when he realises he’s been an arse. And if he doesn’t realise that then you’ve got a nice lump sum he can use for child maintenance after the divorce.

Devakai · 10/12/2022 23:08

Don't understand why everyone is so dead against this. Sounds fine. He's given you proper notice. As long as you don't feel the financial pinch and he'd be fine with you doing the same I really don't see a problem.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 10/12/2022 23:12

Tell him to come talk to you when he is back on planet earth. What the hell, he thinks he can go away with 'the boys' for 3mths as if he is a single man and leave you to cope with it all. He has a bloody cheek and I would tell him no way is this happening and if he thinks it is happening he needs to reconsider the marriage as he is putting a 3mths trip ahead of you and the babies. No amount of notice makes this right and tell him straight out how you feel and how inconsiderate and narcissistic this is, unbelievably selfish to even think this is what parents of small children do. What has happened to the world where a hen night or stag night is now a week away in vegas or some exotic place and thinking 3mths away is acceptable.

How is your relationship overall? Does he pull his weight in the house or is he selfish and put himself first.

Most people would not be happy with this I know and would tell him to piss right off and leave now if he thinks this is the life you choose for yourself, a doormat who will say alright darling have a great time for 3mths, ha am wound up on behalf of you.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 10/12/2022 23:13

Tell him to go fuck himself

icegoose · 10/12/2022 23:13

But I'm really struggling to see how he can parent from darkest Peru? When dc is the UK?
The logistics seem off?

Rainbowqueeen · 10/12/2022 23:14

Start getting your ducks in a row OP. He has shown you that he sees you as the default parent and is not committed to family life. Even if this trip does not happen, this is who he is.

You need to make sure you are in a position to move forward without him.

In the meantime he clearly needs to do more with DC so that he does not see you as the default.

Kalasbyxor · 10/12/2022 23:15

I'm going to go against the grain and say that, with proper planning, you could definitely make it work. We did something similar and it was great.
Here are some things to factor in:

  • you need to ring fence family money so that DP's saving for his holiday fund does not encroach on money you all need to pay for things now. He should only be saving from his own spending money, so should not be noticeable at all in terms of shared disposable income.
-his savings plan needs to factor in his half / percentage of rent / mortgage payments during the time he's away, as well as relevant bill payments. -he needs to save enough to cover a breakfast club / after school club fund for the full 3 months too, so that your child can go to all the wrap around care you deem necessary during his period away.
  • any predicted costs for your DC while he's away need to be covered in half by DP: food, activities, potential school trip, gifts for DC on birthday / Christmas if these fall during his trip away, gifts from DC to school friends, clothing including school uniform
-he needs to ensure arrangements are made in advance of suitable respite opportunities for you; for instance get his parents to promise to have your DC one day every weekend for the duration of his trip.
  • an amount to be included to cover things which will make things easier for you, such as Friday night take away x12, Tuesday night ready meal x12, Netflix subscription x3, x6 day trips etc.
Unless the idea of spending 3 months as a temporarily sole carer for your school aged 5 year old really makes you unhappy, I think it is a really great thing to be able to build into your lives. But he needs to fully fund it, and that includes the running costs of keeping his home ticking over while he's gone. You should not be one penny out of pocket.
DozyFox · 10/12/2022 23:16

Tell him to grow up. I cannot imagine anything more tragic.

Leaving your wife and child for three months to go travelling with 'the boys'. Incredible.

Soproudoflionesses · 10/12/2022 23:16

Selfish prick

ChessieDarling · 10/12/2022 23:17

Silly twat. Him, obviously, not you. That sort of trip is great but it’s something you do either before kids or after your kids have grown up and gone their own way. Don’t even question yourself on this, he’s being utterly ridiculous.

RSintes · 10/12/2022 23:17

You can give him 4.5 years notice of chucking his sorry selfish arse out and moving on....
Or you could skip the wait and just do it now!

Purplecatshopaholic · 10/12/2022 23:18

InternetRandom · 10/12/2022 22:49

Ok, these are the conditions:

  1. He saves for the trip out of whatever his own personal spending is. I.e. his contribution to household expenses or family holidays etc does not decrease to fund this. It comes from his own spending on clothes, going out and so on.

  2. He also saves for the childcare you will need to use to make life manageable during his absence.

  3. if either of the above is not met, the trip doesn't happen. Divorce will follow if he even attempts to renege on this, or if he refuses to agree to it.

And 4. You are of course allowed to do the exact same thing at some point in the future too.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 10/12/2022 23:19

MrJollyLivesNextDoor I like your style ha!!!! best comment and to the point.

Coxspurplepippin · 10/12/2022 23:19

Jaxhog · 10/12/2022 23:04

This.

Show quote history

Yup.

Coxspurplepippin · 10/12/2022 23:20

'Tell him thats fine, as you are planning a six month sailing trip when your child is four.'

Sorry, should have quoted this.