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Original poster

Husband wants to go travelling for three months when DC is five

129 replies

Lilyyy · 10/12/2022 21:53

DH has told me he’s going travelling across South America with friends when our baby is 5, currently she’s 7 months.

He’s given me lots of notice as he says he is going to start saving.

part of me is annoyed because this will cost a lot and will have an impact on things we do as a family, plus that I’ll be expected to be the sole parent for three months. He doesn’t see the problem as he’s given me a lot of notice.
would you be annoyed or am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Kalasbyxor · 10/12/2022 23:21

Clearly x-posted with InternetRandom!

Eixample · 10/12/2022 23:23

Kids starting school need more stability, not less. Also they start developing the idea that parents could die around that age so not ideal to disappear for months.
That’s unless you’re the default parent and he sees himself as an occasional guest star. In which case, what’s the point of him?

Livelovebehappy · 10/12/2022 23:24

Just sounds like one of those chats men have when they’ve had a few beers on a night out; how great it would be to go on a three month lads trip. The problem being his friends probably woke up the following morning realising it was just drink talking and a pipe dream, whereas your DH really thinks it’s going to happen. I bet it doesn’t.

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Alopeciabop · 10/12/2022 23:26

Is he climbing Mount Everest or sailing around the world in a tiny sail boat? Then I could understand cos at least there’s like ‘a goal’ as it were.

no way otherwise would I spend the next 4+ years with him revving himself up for this. Gives me the ick. And what will he do after? What a comedown, after all that time, to do the trip and then what? What’s he gonna want to do next to fill that void?

to be honest though, I shouldn’t worry about it. His currently childless friends will all have kids/be married to women who won’t let them out their sight by then so he’s likely to be the only one still bleating on about going. Everyone else will have matured out of it.

Loachworks · 10/12/2022 23:26

I go away for at least a week every year with my single friends. DH is welcome to do the same but like fuck would he use our family's money (we are a team and everything is ours, not his and mine) to go away for three months if I worked full time and had a five year old.
I'd be seriously considering our relationship if DH even suggested it and amongst our friends I'm keen as the cool wife who doesn't believe we have to be joined at the hip. He can't possibly think this is a normal request, no matter how much notice he gives.

Cuppasoupmonster · 10/12/2022 23:26

3 months???????? What a selfish arsehole! And I’m a big fan of having regular breaks as a parent, DH and I go away with friends separately a couple of times a year. Say it’s fine but the locks will be changed when he gets back, and mean it.

gogohmm · 10/12/2022 23:30

I'd put money on it not happening, his friends even if single now may well be in a couple by then

RagzRebooted · 10/12/2022 23:32

velvetstars · 10/12/2022 22:00

Wtf did I just read ?! That's not a thing. You can't unilaterally opt out of parenting for a 3 month holiday on your own just because you give some notice.

Absolutely not.

If DH did this, I think I'd probably die laughing at him. As if!

RagzRebooted · 10/12/2022 23:33

Lilyyy · 10/12/2022 22:08

He doesn’t want me and DC to come as this is a friends holiday with the boys, and he hasn’t considered how I am going to look after our child while balancing full time work 🙄something I need him to tell me. He just sees it as oh I’ve given you four years notice so that’s fine

His plan, his responsibility to organise childcare during that time.

Cactusprick · 10/12/2022 23:34

He’s willing to take 3 months off work, but NOT to spend with his family?
I don’t understand. So selfish. Until your baby is at least 18 he needs to completely forget about this. So unfair on you x

Whatifthegrassisblue · 10/12/2022 23:36

@PuttingDownRoots @MolliciousIntent

What the first two posters said!
Wow, I can't actually believe this, my first LTB. I'm actually shocked he even suggested it!

MsRosley · 10/12/2022 23:37

Tell him the divorce should be about finalised by then. What an utter tosser.

backinthebox · 10/12/2022 23:40

I travel a lot on my own - for work and for sport. I have never been away for a longer span than 10 days, and that was taking one of the kids with me and DH and other child coming out to support. DH once proposed doing something that would require him to be away every weekend for 6 months and I had a fit, kids were about 8 and 11 at the time. Now they are older, I would back him all the way. Ironically I have South America down on my bucket list for competition, and I’m planning to do it once DC2 has done his a levels, so not for a few years yet. I don’t like to rain on anyones parade, I love travel and adventure, but there is a time and a place for it, and when kids are young is not then.

RagzRebooted · 10/12/2022 23:41

Had you planned on having any more children? What happens if you get pregnant in 4 years time?

deeperthanallroses · 10/12/2022 23:41

Kalasbyxor · 10/12/2022 23:15

I'm going to go against the grain and say that, with proper planning, you could definitely make it work. We did something similar and it was great.
Here are some things to factor in:

  • you need to ring fence family money so that DP's saving for his holiday fund does not encroach on money you all need to pay for things now. He should only be saving from his own spending money, so should not be noticeable at all in terms of shared disposable income.
-his savings plan needs to factor in his half / percentage of rent / mortgage payments during the time he's away, as well as relevant bill payments. -he needs to save enough to cover a breakfast club / after school club fund for the full 3 months too, so that your child can go to all the wrap around care you deem necessary during his period away.
  • any predicted costs for your DC while he's away need to be covered in half by DP: food, activities, potential school trip, gifts for DC on birthday / Christmas if these fall during his trip away, gifts from DC to school friends, clothing including school uniform
-he needs to ensure arrangements are made in advance of suitable respite opportunities for you; for instance get his parents to promise to have your DC one day every weekend for the duration of his trip.
  • an amount to be included to cover things which will make things easier for you, such as Friday night take away x12, Tuesday night ready meal x12, Netflix subscription x3, x6 day trips etc.
Unless the idea of spending 3 months as a temporarily sole carer for your school aged 5 year old really makes you unhappy, I think it is a really great thing to be able to build into your lives. But he needs to fully fund it, and that includes the running costs of keeping his home ticking over while he's gone. You should not be one penny out of pocket.

It’s not the ops job to put in all the work to communicate that and get him on board plus research and hire/enrol etc the childcare. She’d be better off putting that focus into her career and the solicitor, single mums need their career.

it’s not reasonable behaviour full stop. He’s thought of none of those things. Just that he can walk out on his family for months.

toomuchlaundry · 10/12/2022 23:42

How does this fit with work? Both his and yours?

Mañanarama · 10/12/2022 23:43

I’d be insanely jealous of such an amazing opportunity, and four years IS long enough to plan things practically and financially. I’d be asking if they could reduce it to 6 or 8 weeks max, though.

However, what are the ages and circumstances of his friends? There is a good chance their home lives will look very different in 3 or 4 years, with partners, kids, pets, jobs, family thrown into the mix. It might not even happen.

vivaespanaole · 10/12/2022 23:45

I think it depends. If my OH sat me down and said look i have this dream this ambition and id love your support to fulfil it. I know it will be tricky and hard on you and we would have a lot to work out, but would you support me? I think id say yes. Provided i felt i would get reciprocal support to achieve my dreams and goals.

I wouldnt like being told though.

Personally i dont believe this means he doesnt adore you and his son.

Now it might be a pipe dream as chances are there will be a siblings by then making it a different ball game. But maybe he feels his wings have been clipped a bit (its called being a parent!) and maybe he needs to be allowed to dream. Some people are like that.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/12/2022 23:47

If he brings it up again just laugh until you pee a bit and say that you had assumed he was joking.

And DO NOT have another kid with this waste of fucking space. He and his boy mates are all pathetic men children. You will at some point in the next 5 years end up as a single parent to a "man" who will do the bare minimum with contact and maintenance, and have a much younger girlfriend within weeks of you shit canning him.

I am sorry but better you learn this now.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/12/2022 23:49

And before I get jumped on, I and many many (too) many other women used to believe the best in our partners. We supported their dreams, we held them up, HELPED them up and pulled up the slack because we truly believed that they would do this for us.

Then we woke up in the real world.

dolor · 10/12/2022 23:53

Hahahaha oh my god men really do live in a dream world don't they?

I bet he'd pitch a fit if you wanted to do the same.

He should have done that before you had children, or wait until he's older when your daughter is an adult.

🔔🔚

Morestrangethings · 11/12/2022 00:19

Lilyyy · 10/12/2022 21:53

DH has told me he’s going travelling across South America with friends when our baby is 5, currently she’s 7 months.

He’s given me lots of notice as he says he is going to start saving.

part of me is annoyed because this will cost a lot and will have an impact on things we do as a family, plus that I’ll be expected to be the sole parent for three months. He doesn’t see the problem as he’s given me a lot of notice.
would you be annoyed or am I being unfair?

I think he’s dreaming.

Tinkerbyebye · 11/12/2022 00:23

I would say

  1. fine, then you have to start saving for the same amount of money, at the same time, for you to do something with after.
  2. he needs to start saving now for wrap around care for your child
  3. how is he going to ensure you won’t have another child in the meantime
User0836shdhfjf · 11/12/2022 00:28

Has he never had any emotional involvement or caring responsibility for anything in his life? How would he have felt if his Daddy had buggered off and left him for MONTHS when he was five? Does he not expect his kid to miss him?
Does he not expect to love and miss his own kid? Was his own upbringing THAT neglected and disfunctional that this all seems normal to him?

I wouldn't leave a dog for months on end, let alone a kid.
This reminds me a bit of my own Dad. But he was an orphan who had been (while his parents were alive) dumped with a nanny and then sent to boarding school. He literally had no idea how a normal happy parent-child relationship worked.
So what's the deal with your DH? Disfunctional childhood, or what?

Aria2015 · 11/12/2022 00:33

I don't know anything about your dh but mine can come up with quite crazy ideas from time to time. I have learnt over the years, if one of these crazy ideas is something not happening in the immediate future, to just say nothing and 'appear" to listen. I don't get in an argument, I don't get upset, I don't agree to anything or disagree. When I do this, he ALWAYS ends up talking himself out of his own plan and it never happens.

My advice would be, you have a 5 month old baby, Christmas is coming up, save yourself the stress and upset of confronting this now. It's supposedly something he wants to happen in 4.5 years so it's not an immediate 'threat'. Don't agree or disagree, don't comment particularly, just say something vague like 'this is very unexpected and I have some things I need to work out in my head before I can chat further about it'. If he pushes you to agree or chat further, just push his own point back on him, it's over 4 years away, there is zero rush for you to do or say anything and then just leave it.

I find this approach disarms my dh because he doesn't get the push back he expects. He then starts to really think about the reality of his crazy idea and slowly he talks himself out of it.

Honestly, I've done it the other way, where I've got upset or angry or stressed or worried, but nothing is more effective than saying nothing.