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Original poster

Husband wants to go travelling for three months when DC is five

129 replies

Lilyyy · 10/12/2022 21:53

DH has told me he’s going travelling across South America with friends when our baby is 5, currently she’s 7 months.

He’s given me lots of notice as he says he is going to start saving.

part of me is annoyed because this will cost a lot and will have an impact on things we do as a family, plus that I’ll be expected to be the sole parent for three months. He doesn’t see the problem as he’s given me a lot of notice.
would you be annoyed or am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 11/12/2022 00:34

I’d be telling him he’s out the door.

No you can’t leave your kid to go on holiday for 3 months when you’re a parent. He can have a grey gap year when they’ve left home.

Jesus Christ if he was my husband he’d be trying to find his balls for months after an announcement like that.

UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 11/12/2022 00:38

NerrSnerr · 10/12/2022 22:03

Have you asked him who is going to do his share of the parenting? How will you balance that with work etc or is it already expected that you'll be doing it all anyway?

Exactly

Youdoyoubabe · 11/12/2022 00:38

I think it is ok if you are ok with it. Lot's of folks work away for months on end. Or go on adventures. If you hold him back he wouldn't appreciate it unless you are unable to look after the child on your own why wouldn't you let him go? Some people are more adventurous than others. My friends husband went on this sailing trip thing around the world and was gone for like best part of a year. Then he did this Antarctica trip. Climbers are always gone for ages.

Women do this stuff too... particularly sailors. It is not awful.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

5 year olds 6-9 months old Babies & sleep Families
Fortheloveofall · 11/12/2022 01:06

I was totally naive as to what it was like being a parent. And how that would change as they grew up. So I won’t judge him. He basically has no clue about what it’s like to have 5yo.

Rather than telling him where to go, you might want to ask more questions and change things up a bit to help him realise it on his own. He won’t want to go once he really understands- or if he still does I am afraid you might have bigger issues.

a couple of questions-

Are you off full time on maternity? How much does he do? I’m being a bit presumptuous here - Would you benefit from or be able to share a month or so of maternity so he can have a better understanding of the amount you do?

What’s your childcare plan when you get back to work? Have you told him he will need to drop up and collect DC from childcare etc. Again being presumptuous but maybe once he understands the reality of work / childcare drop off / collection ‘fun’ he might understand the challenges this will face one of you on your own.

Do you plan on having any more kids - if so does his plan go ahead if you are pregnant or if you have another baby?

Do you have friends with kids in reception or older. Vocal ones? Time for a nice meal out where you share his plans with them. Once they’ve laughed at him for being so ridiculous and explained the reality of life with a 5 year old - you won’t need to say a thing.

QS90 · 11/12/2022 01:08

Why would a long notice period make something which is clearly unacceptable, acceptable?

Sorry, I meant to say yeah sounds fine. Could you look after my two whilst you're at it? And perhaps paint my house? I fancy a nice, long holiday aswell, and be reasonable... I've given you notice 😂

Mislou · 11/12/2022 01:16

Has he really thought it through? Has it sunk in that he’s a parent ? Once he’s more bonded with the child I think he’d find it hard to be away for such a long time . My partner doesn’t like being away from our child for a week he misses her too much and same for me. 3 months is a long take for a child

Dibbydoos · 11/12/2022 01:37

Is he dumping parental duties on you, YES. Is that fair? NO.

Does giving you lots of notice matter? NO.
The prob is you're not attached at the navel and you both don't own each other either.
I'd be pissed of for sure. He hasn't asked you what you need to be OK with it nor offered to provide anything. But you do need to be OK with it or it will break your relationship. So work out what it will take for you to be OK with it and say that's what you need him to do to make it acceptable to you.

Good luck.

Summerfun54321 · 11/12/2022 02:05

I wouldn’t have a problem with this in principle. But I sure as hell would be planning my own 3 month long trip and saving my own pot of money to match his. Whether you choose to go or not is another matter but there’s a huge imbalance of power if he thinks you’re prepared to hold the family fort for 3 months if he isn’t prepared to do the same.

Summerfun54321 · 11/12/2022 02:06

He’ll also need to save for a nanny and cleaner and cook to do his share of everything while he’s away.

melchim · 11/12/2022 02:58

I'd be open to this as long as I could take 3 months at some point too. It sounds like a great opportunity.

The problem is I wouldn't want to be away from my children for 3 months, so it would need to be taken in increments of up to a week till I reached 90 days.

I'm really curious to hear what he thinks of the idea of you taking 3 months off to travel, OP.

MistyRock · 11/12/2022 04:11

GrumpyPanda · 10/12/2022 22:14

When he mentioned it's four years away, did you say to him "oh - you mean after our divorce then?"

Yes. This.
I'd just play along as it's never going to happen and if it did I think it would signal the end for me.

Whatifthegrassisblue · 11/12/2022 04:15

Summerfun54321 · 11/12/2022 02:06

He’ll also need to save for a nanny and cleaner and cook to do his share of everything while he’s away.

Think its safe to assume he doenst do much if he thinks it won't make much of a difference if he's away for 3 months

iwannascream · 11/12/2022 04:50

What does he do for work, as most companies wouldn't give 3 months holidays a year never mind at the one time.

Tell him to give his head a bang and come back and talk yo uou when he is back in the real world.

No offence meant but your husband is a fucking idiot if he thinks this is normal behaviour for a husband and a dad

Herejustforthisone · 11/12/2022 04:57

How much will his ‘saving up’ for this insane and selfish holiday impact your family in the meantime? Will your child go without?

I’m staggered that he thinks that he gets to decide to swan off for a quarter of the year. What a child.

LBFseBrom · 11/12/2022 05:01

It's too ridiculous for words but the proposed holiday is a long way off and a lot can happen in the meantime. For one thing some of his friends may have a child, another is that your husband finally settles down and decides he prefers being with you and his daughter. Also how is he going to get three months off work?

At the moment it is an escapist fantasy, he is obviously feeling the pressure of being a partner and a parent, plenty do but it doesn't last.

You've every right to feel aggrieved, I would, and if it actually did happen, which I think is unlikely, you'd be justified in ending the marriage. However I wouldn't take it seriously at the moment, just get on with your life, say, "Yes dear", if he mentions it, then change the subject.

Ask him for some more money and squirrel it away for yourself.

ACynicalDad · 11/12/2022 05:02

He might grow up in the next 4 years.

garlictwist · 11/12/2022 05:04

Tuichi · 10/12/2022 22:18

I don’t have kids, regularly do holidays separately from my dp and wouldn’t be happy at all if he announced this. Three months is extremely indulgent unless you’ve got your own extended trip pencilled in. Something like this should either be an adventure both choose and go on together or you go for a shorter period. I’d be miffed left looking after the house, pets, etc., for such a long time let alone a child.

I also don't have kids but I wouldn't mind if my other half wanted to do this. It sounds like a good opportunity. BUT in the op's case, with a child, no way! Why don't you all go travelling together as a family before your child starts school? That would at least make sense. Him buggering off on his own leaving you alone with the child is not on.

BlusteryLake · 11/12/2022 05:53

How many of the other "boys" currently have a partner and children? Four years is ages away, and my bet is they will all drop out because of plans with new girlfriend/partner is pregnant /need the money for other things /job won't allow it etc etc. Absolutely no way will this trip happen, but he should be able to see that he's not in a position to go anyway. Has he ever done anything similar in the past?

RosettaStormer · 11/12/2022 06:15

Even if he never goes, the fact that he thinks this is OK would make me seriously question the relationship. He's not a 'boy', he is a father with responsibilities now. If he is willing to let you go travelling whilst he parents for the same time, fine. Otherwise, absolutely not. Put your foot down . If he won't listen, I wouldn't be with him, sorry.

Joshanddonna · 11/12/2022 06:50

Sorry op but my sisters husband did something similar - leaving her with two children and at a time when they really didn’t have the money and by the time he got back she had started the process of divorcing him.
She said he had made himself dispensable so she didn’t see the need for him any more.
Shes now divorced and in a new relationship and very happy. He has a good relationship with his kids but they view him as incredibly selfish.

rainbowstardrops · 11/12/2022 06:59

GrumpyPanda · 10/12/2022 22:14

When he mentioned it's four years away, did you say to him "oh - you mean after our divorce then?"

Excellent response! 😂

OLP2019 · 11/12/2022 07:00

He's actively planning a trip that is 4 years away ? This is not normal ! Travelling and exploring the world should not have to stop when you have kids but why does he want to do it alone? No one needs to plan so far in the future !! This is so strange

TheAngryFeminist · 11/12/2022 07:27

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Pipsquiggle · 11/12/2022 07:35

This is not a unilateral decision he gets to make. This needs to be a discussion and agreed between you as a family unit and what's best for you all

So many things could happen between now and then.
You might have another baby (do you want another one? What age gap would you ideally like?)
One of his mates might meet someone / get married /have a baby

Do you have any other financial priorities that you feel usurps this trip? A house, a car, saving to have another baby.?

He is being selfish and ridiculous

TimeForMeToF1y · 11/12/2022 07:49

Thats one trip that is never going to happen😀