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Original poster

Parents rudeness

370 replies

happymom92 · 05/12/2022 05:19

Dear daughter is 4.5, reception class. She went to a trampoline park with my sister on saturday because I was working that day and by pure coincidence she met some of her class friends there.
One of them was having a birthday party(basically a booked table or 2 with a few adults and kids in a open space area). So ofc my DD was playing with her classmates and going to their table. The birthday girl mum ignored my daughter and literally turn her back on my daughter and offered all the other kids a slice of pizza. My sister noticed that and tried to remove her from there.
After a while ofc they had cake with Elsa(my daughter’s favourite character) and she was crying and being so upset why she can’t join them celebrate her friend’s birthday and have some cake too.
I do know she had no obligation whatsoever to include my daughter, but I just find it so rude and cruel to act like this with a 4 year old, especially being from the same class. I could never do it. I am thinking to privately message her or put a message on the parents group class(not giving names ofc) that we should all be nicer people(clearly she isn’t), maybe to learn something for the future. Am I overreacting? Should I just let it go and not stir things up and make it awkward when we meet eachother at school pick ups

PS in case she didn’t recognise my daughter, one of the other mums invited with her daughter at the party definitely knows my daughter and she didn’t say anything either (not her place to say it, but just for the record )

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latetothefisting · 05/12/2022 11:31

Did your sister actually go up and say to party girls mum
"Hi I'm x, dd's aunt, they are in the same class at school, just in case you wondered why a random kid is playing with them! Let me know when you're serving food and I'll distract her, hope xx has a lovely birthday!"

Assuming party mum doesn't recognise every single kid in a 30 plus pupil class she might just assume that your dd was a random child who'd attached herself to the party particulalry given she was with a stranger (to the mum) rather than you.

If your sister had gone up and explained the mum might have been a bit nicer. Otherwise if she assumed it was a random kid she'd have to start letting all the kids in the soft play having a slice or pizza, cake, party bag etc.

Perhaps she was worried about giving out food to kids with allergies.

Noonesperfect · 05/12/2022 11:38

If I was the sister I would have steered DN away from the food table. However if I was the party girls mum, I would have given her a piece of cake if I had enough or have been kind enough to explain there wasn't enough. The party mum was not setting a very good example to her daughter I.e. ignoring the other child. It doesn't cost anything to be polite.

Has the aunt any children of her own if not she may have found this situation very difficult. It's much easier to discipline and parent your own children than a relatives child.

Velvetween · 05/12/2022 11:38

happymom92 · 05/12/2022 10:48

I haven’t sent the message, don’t want to outcast my daughter. I needed to get some steam off so thanks for your messages.
Just to confirm, my sister did remove DD from there and gave her food, ice cream after the pizza incident. But it’s not like you can blindfold her and put her in a corner not to see the cake. She was not staying there at their table pulling a tantrum(that’s for the people that think it’s a reverse situation and she disturbed the party). The kids met in the trampoline area and started hanging around , my daughter went to their table, the group of girls came to my sister’s table( kids run around in an open space).
I don’t feel entitled and my reasoning for this post was that I would be kind enough to include someone if my daughter is happy to spend time with them even though I didn’t invite them in the first place for whatever reason. I do get there are extra costs involved, but I guess if the mum wanted to include my DD and had really struggled with money/food portions she could have at least say that she doesn’t have enough and my sister would have bought some, not a problem.
I also think a birthday should be a joyeus moment to be enjoyed, not seen like “I didn’t invite you, you’re crashing my party”.
I know kids need to learn that not everybody is their friend and they won’t be invited to all the birthday parties(which I already had a conversation with her when another kid from school was inviting people around and not her), and she was reasonable and understood that, but when you’re in the moment and things are happening in front of your eyes is a totally different story.
I think a little kindness goes a long way and that’s what we should teach our kids. Kids learn by example.

Your DD had been taken to a trampoline park by her aunt and was bought treats. How many displays of “kindness” does she need in one day OP??

All your sister needed to do was explain that the others were at a private party and she could play with them on the trampolines but that was it. Sounds like she did this. Any subsequent tears are for you and her aunt to resolve (totally normal 4 yr old reaction…). Stop being so precious and putting this on the other mum. She was being “kind” enough putting on her party and managing all the kids there without having to educate random kids in the trampoline park with extra gestures of kindness.

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Suffrajitsu · 05/12/2022 11:41

For goodness sake, whatever you do, DON'T put a passive aggressive message on the parent noticeboard. It will only cause a major backlash on you. Put yourself in their shoes - they've paid for a defined number of children, why should that suddenly have to stretch to cover another child who turns up, even if it is someone from the same class? What if the venue says they've got an extra in the group therefore they have to pay a separate fee for that child?

Snugglemonkey · 05/12/2022 11:43

This situation is of your sister's making. She allowed your daughter to gate crash a birthday party and that is really rude toward the party host, but also was not at all helpful for your daughter. Partly because it did nothing to socialise her about party etiquette, but most importantly, because it opened her up to having her feelings hurt, as she felt left out of pizza, cake, party bags etc.

Yes, the host could have been more gracious in this situation. In her position, I would probably have tried to absorb your daughter into the party in all likelihood. However, we do not know her position. It is easy to be a bit harried when trying to get everyone sorted at these things and just not want to have to deal with an uninvited child pushing their way in. Does her daughter like your daughter? If she doesn't then she really shouldn't have to have her thrust upon her at her birthday party. Would the mother know your daughter/ know if her daughter likes yours? How was your sister being? Was there an attitude of entitlement that pissed of the host? Lots of things could have been at play here.

Ultimately, an awkward situation was created by your sister. No you should absolutely not try shaming anyone on group chats, or getting passive aggressive. I would be thinking more about apologising to the host and saying you understand it was an awkward situation, not of her making and that you are sorry if your dc was disruptive (because it sounds like she was) and that your sister did not handle the situation well.

Suffrajitsu · 05/12/2022 11:48

jamoncrumpets · 05/12/2022 10:56

Would love to know how most of the people replying to this thread would keep their 4yos away from their school friends in this situation.

How would you manage that, exactly? Without taking the child out of the centre altogether and upsetting them?

Well, let me think. I guess I would Use My Words. You know, "Come on XYZ, it's not our party, let's come and play over here/get some ice cream/whatever"

LightDrizzle · 05/12/2022 11:57

It’s a shame your sister didn’t give your Dd more direction! “Ooh! How lovely! But just a quick wave and hello you can play another time because they’re busy now.

Your daughter can’t be blamed but she should have been better managed.

JenniferBarkley · 05/12/2022 12:06

Definitely a case where some bright and breezy chat from your sister "come on now Jane, this is Sarah's party, let's go over here and get pizza" in earshot of the mum would have eased things a lot.

Tiredallofthetime · 05/12/2022 12:17

The OP has said she won’t be sending a message.

Everyone saying that they would have given a slice of cake - I wouldn’t, and I’m normally pretty soft with these sorts of things. But it just adds to the awkwardness of the situation. Someone who isn’t invited to the party but getting cake and then what happens when another kid shows up, and another, and another?

The priority is going to be your own child and it sounds absolutely awful to be this blunt but she didn’t want the other girl there. Giving cake is encouraging an unwanted guest.

Maraa · 05/12/2022 12:21

Having had one of these parties recently myself, it’s stressful enough ensuring that the birthday girl is happy, the guests are happy, parents are happy. There’s enough food to go around. Then cutting the cake in a short space amount of time and distributing party bags. Yes it may have been kind but you spend a lot of money on these parties and for the parent they are stressful. So im sorry your daughter was upset but that’s not the fault of the party tbh

jamoncrumpets · 05/12/2022 12:26

Than, you for telling me what parenting is without giving any specific responses @Prinnny @ZeroFuchsGiven.

Next time my car breaks down I'll make sure I come to you to find out what to do, so you can say 'You fix it' to me.

AxolotlEars · 05/12/2022 12:29

If I was the mum of the birthday girl I absolutely would have given your daughter some cake if I had organised the party. The thing is that often in situations like this the person doesn't immediately know what to do and feels awkward and under pressure. She may be worried there wouldn't have been enough to go around if they included your girl too.
If it was my daughter that hadn't been invited I would have been very clear with her that of course she can play with her friends but she wasn't having any food. I have 6 kids and a child crying in this situation is no surprise. I would just repeat that it wasn't a party she was invited to. And that it is hard when we are in situations like that.
Is it okay to shout? Here goes anyway DO NOT MESSAGE. Say nothing in a text you wouldn't say to someone. I may say to the mum I heard about what happened at the party. Sorry if you felt under pressure to include my daughter. My sister found it difficult to deal with.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 05/12/2022 12:31

jamoncrumpets · 05/12/2022 12:26

Than, you for telling me what parenting is without giving any specific responses @Prinnny @ZeroFuchsGiven.

Next time my car breaks down I'll make sure I come to you to find out what to do, so you can say 'You fix it' to me.

Well no I would tell you to see an expert ie a mechanic, do you really need an expert to explain to a 4 year old on your behalf that they can not join in a party they are not invited to?

No wonder the world is going to shit.

Chocolateyshakes · 05/12/2022 12:32

I definitely would have included your DD had I been the mum of birthday child. I think that was unkind - I am sure there would have been enough to go around for everybody.

We had a similar incident. One of the school mums (we are also reception) put on the WhatsApp chat to let her know if those who had received an invite in their book bag were going to the party. From talking to other parents it sounded as though everybody else has been invited except for DD. I didn't like to message and ask whether ours had got lost or we hadn't received one. I've just taken it that we've not been invited on this occasion. DD is upset as she also doesn't understand.

Outfor150 · 05/12/2022 12:45

I am sure there would have been enough to go around for everybody.

Why are you sure? Do you know the financial situation of all the parents? They might have had to pay for another child, at best. And the venue probably had a maximum limit. And it’s just rude- it might not even be about the food or the cost. It’s a good way of getting your child excluded from events in the future - to be known as the child who doesn’t behave or is not being brought up decently. Obviously, a child that age, and older, isn’t going to get all social cues. It’s the parents’ job to teach them. If a parent doesn’t want to teach their child about such cues, why did they have children at all? It’s all part of raising children. It’s fine to make a mistake, everyone does, but it’s concerning if people can’t see that it’s a mistake.

Clymene · 05/12/2022 12:48

How was the party mum to know that the OP's daughter even knew her child? For all she knew she was just a random other 4 year old.

Tipsyturvychocolatemonster · 05/12/2022 12:56

Clymene · 05/12/2022 12:48

How was the party mum to know that the OP's daughter even knew her child? For all she knew she was just a random other 4 year old.

It was obviously clear the child knew the others at the party

I guess this is the risk of having a kids party at places like trampoline parks and soft play, some parent will come in and for general leisure, know the kids at rhe party and want to join and they will be with a socially unaware adult who doesn’t manage it properly , the op is somewhat similar and thinks her kid should have been able to join in and get fed. It’s just so utterly awkward for everyone when you have a parent who thinks their kid is entitled.

Hoppinggreen · 05/12/2022 12:57

jamoncrumpets · 05/12/2022 12:26

Than, you for telling me what parenting is without giving any specific responses @Prinnny @ZeroFuchsGiven.

Next time my car breaks down I'll make sure I come to you to find out what to do, so you can say 'You fix it' to me.

you are not making much sense here

Hoppinggreen · 05/12/2022 12:59

Chocolateyshakes · 05/12/2022 12:32

I definitely would have included your DD had I been the mum of birthday child. I think that was unkind - I am sure there would have been enough to go around for everybody.

We had a similar incident. One of the school mums (we are also reception) put on the WhatsApp chat to let her know if those who had received an invite in their book bag were going to the party. From talking to other parents it sounded as though everybody else has been invited except for DD. I didn't like to message and ask whether ours had got lost or we hadn't received one. I've just taken it that we've not been invited on this occasion. DD is upset as she also doesn't understand.

Very different scenario there.
Inviting most of or the whole class and missing one out isn’t on but not including a child who just happens to be in the same place is completely fine

worstusernameeverx2 · 05/12/2022 13:05

YABU

magicalorange · 05/12/2022 13:09

YABU.

Your sister should have told your daughter to stay at her table, and not to try to join the birthday table.

Your daughter was not invited to the birthday party.

mam0918 · 05/12/2022 13:10

happymom92 · 05/12/2022 11:28

My daughter and her daughter have a similar name, and they’re in the same class. I didn’t say we text each other regularly, but let’s say friendly. I don’t think she didn’t recognise my daughter enough to awknoledge her. It was not her place to say anything anyway

Show quote history

As mentioned previously I see Aidens mam every day at pick up, I have spoke to her many times, I know her kid is called Aiden. Aiden is a standard looking 4 year old boy with short brown hair, he looks like nearly every other boy in the class with no stand out features.

I would speak to Aidens mam and say 'Bye Aiden' if they where leaving because I know Aidens mam NOT Aiden (but I know its him because hes leaving hand in hand with his mam). If Aiden was there with his dad, aunt, grandma etc... I would have no idea it was Aiden.

Also if me and DS went to a soft play and my DS spotted Aiden at someone elses party and played with him in the soft play I would NOT expect Aidens mam to say to the party host 'hey Aidens friend from school is here, can you add him on to the party list?' because that would be wierd and RUDE for a guest to invite an univited person.

mam0918 · 05/12/2022 13:13

Tipsyturvychocolatemonster · 05/12/2022 12:56

It was obviously clear the child knew the others at the party

I guess this is the risk of having a kids party at places like trampoline parks and soft play, some parent will come in and for general leisure, know the kids at rhe party and want to join and they will be with a socially unaware adult who doesn’t manage it properly , the op is somewhat similar and thinks her kid should have been able to join in and get fed. It’s just so utterly awkward for everyone when you have a parent who thinks their kid is entitled.

Show quote history

4 year olds can make new friends constantly and will act like besties after 10 minutes even if they arent going to see each other again.

mam0918 · 05/12/2022 13:15

Chocolateyshakes · 05/12/2022 12:32

I definitely would have included your DD had I been the mum of birthday child. I think that was unkind - I am sure there would have been enough to go around for everybody.

We had a similar incident. One of the school mums (we are also reception) put on the WhatsApp chat to let her know if those who had received an invite in their book bag were going to the party. From talking to other parents it sounded as though everybody else has been invited except for DD. I didn't like to message and ask whether ours had got lost or we hadn't received one. I've just taken it that we've not been invited on this occasion. DD is upset as she also doesn't understand.

ENTIRELY different... first of schools only allow teachers put invites in the book bag if ALL children are invited + someone would only announce it publicly if they where all invited.

You lost the invite, it happens but your illogical assumption that everyone colluded to exclude your DD is odd.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/12/2022 13:15

Ah, your poor little girl, that's tough on a 4yr old in the moment.
But also, awkward for the party girls parents, especially given they might not have recognised her, might not have the money, might have had exactly the right number of pieces of pizza.
Just an awkward situation all round.

It would probably have been best dealt with by your sister going politely up to them at the beginning and having a chat about what to do.