Parents rudeness

[happymom92]

Dear daughter is 4.5, reception class. She went to a trampoline park with my sister on saturday because I was working that day and by pure coincidence she met some of her class friends there.
One of them was having a birthday party(basically a booked table or 2 with a few adults and kids in a open space area). So ofc my DD was playing with her classmates and going to their table. The birthday girl mum ignored my daughter and literally turn her back on my daughter and offered all the other kids a slice of pizza. My sister noticed that and tried to remove her from there.
After a while ofc they had cake with Elsa(my daughter’s favourite character) and she was crying and being so upset why she can’t join them celebrate her friend’s birthday and have some cake too.
I do know she had no obligation whatsoever to include my daughter, but I just find it so rude and cruel to act like this with a 4 year old, especially being from the same class. I could never do it. I am thinking to privately message her or put a message on the parents group class(not giving names ofc) that we should all be nicer people(clearly she isn’t), maybe to learn something for the future. Am I overreacting? Should I just let it go and not stir things up and make it awkward when we meet eachother at school pick ups

PS in case she didn’t recognise my daughter, one of the other mums invited with her daughter at the party definitely knows my daughter and she didn’t say anything either (not her place to say it, but just for the record )

Very tricky - your kid wouldn’t have the maturity to understand that she isn’t invited nor welcome, but the birthday party also has the right to get on with things without a tantrumming whining hanger on disturbing. Your sister is ultimately in the wrong for not taking her away.
DO NOT CONTACT THE MOTHER! you will look like a twat.

Am I overreacting?

Totally. Your sister should have removed your dc from the area they were having a party in rather than let her gate crash. She set your dc up to be upset but I assume she thought if she let her gate crash she'd be included in the food and cake and that was not the case.

If the birthday girl had wanted your dc there, she would have been invited.

But its the OPs views, its the OP who thinks its ok (and her sister too... 2 cheeky fuckers).

OP is acting entitled, there or not and is allowing her kid to think she can behave like this by doubling down on it... she doesnt need to be physically there.

I think it's mean spirited of the party mum not to include your daughter if she's already there and I would have given the child some cake. It's not worth putting a message on whatapps though that just feel like stirring up drama. Just rise above it and move on.

I haven’t sent the message, don’t want to outcast my daughter. I needed to get some steam off so thanks for your messages.
Just to confirm, my sister did remove DD from there and gave her food, ice cream after the pizza incident. But it’s not like you can blindfold her and put her in a corner not to see the cake. She was not staying there at their table pulling a tantrum(that’s for the people that think it’s a reverse situation and she disturbed the party). The kids met in the trampoline area and started hanging around , my daughter went to their table, the group of girls came to my sister’s table( kids run around in an open space).
I don’t feel entitled and my reasoning for this post was that I would be kind enough to include someone if my daughter is happy to spend time with them even though I didn’t invite them in the first place for whatever reason. I do get there are extra costs involved, but I guess if the mum wanted to include my DD and had really struggled with money/food portions she could have at least say that she doesn’t have enough and my sister would have bought some, not a problem.
I also think a birthday should be a joyeus moment to be enjoyed, not seen like “I didn’t invite you, you’re crashing my party”.
I know kids need to learn that not everybody is their friend and they won’t be invited to all the birthday parties(which I already had a conversation with her when another kid from school was inviting people around and not her), and she was reasonable and understood that, but when you’re in the moment and things are happening in front of your eyes is a totally different story.
I think a little kindness goes a long way and that’s what we should teach our kids. Kids learn by example.

LOL

You think the BUSINESS is going to cater another unplanned child for free... how deluded are some people.

The wont have extra food ready and of course they will charge for extra food and party bags they are there to make money.

The kid wasnt invited, wasnt wanted there and the birthday kids mam likely doesnt even know who this random tag along who followed them is.

My DS is 4, I just had his party and we do full class parties (my DS has been at school 10 months as he started in a pre-school program but most local schools 4/5 year olds have only been started for 3 months), 18 kids showed up and I could name and pick out of a line FOUR of them.

I recognise more mothers (I could say 'thats Aidens mam' but I dont know which of the 10 boys is Aiden as frankly most look very similar) than kids but OP wasn't even there it was a kid with a random adult that followed them to the table.

No one is randomly inviting unknown kids to join the party when theres a good chance they are going to be charge £15 for it.

Oh god no don’t say anything, you would be hugely unreasonable. Your child wasn’t invited it was rude for her to be lingering at the table for pizza and cake, your sister should have dealt with it better. YABU to judge the other mum for not including your child..she wasn’t invited, end of story.

Would love to know how most of the people replying to this thread would keep their 4yos away from their school friends in this situation.

How would you manage that, exactly? Without taking the child out of the centre altogether and upsetting them?

I agree @jamoncrumpets some very mean spirited replies on here. Parties such be fun joyful occasions and the kids were already playing together after bumping into each other there so why not let that one extra child be involved.

My daughter told me the name of the friends that she met there and I know one of the mums from another birthday party where me and DD went. Me and that mom socialize at that party. And when she left this party she said “Bye X” at the end

OP, are you originally from The UK?
The reason I ask is that we and the children have been invited to parties held by parents who were from India and Pakistan where everyone was invited including siblings etc so I am wondering whether there is something cultural going on here

Eh? The child is four and at school! Not a baby or toddler!

I can see how some parents would act like this as we all have different financial values, but at this age if I was the head of the party I would have included your daughter - despite the added cost - as I would recognise that these accidental timings will happen from time to time.

Well its pretty simple really as a parent you parent!

What other situations would you let your 4 year old do what they like?

Explain and then deal with it.
Kids need to learn that they can’t get what they want and won’t get invited to everything. They might get upset for a bit but if you spend your whole life trying to avoid upsetting kids you won’t be doing them any favours at all

Not everyone is in a position to cover an extra £25 or whatever. This parent could have been saving all year for her childs birthday!

I can see why you feel defensive of your daughter as she was probably upset and and 4 social concepts like party planning and per head payments are beyond them. I definitely wouldn’t post in the group chat as it’s one of those things and you need to let it go - it was unfortunate timing that’s all - if I was the party mum I would have offered a slice of cake but not everyone would and that’s life. Just move on - your daughter will forget and maybe in the unlikely event that that happens again just wave a friendly hello and distract your daughter with some cake from the cafe

Well pretty simply really it’s called parenting. I would say you can play with them in the park but the table area is private. If they went to the table, I would take her away, if she continued to do so she would be warned that if it continued we would leave.

We need to teach our children social norms and expectations, including respecting other peoples boundaries, often this isn’t done hence why there’s so many self absorbed entitled children/young adults.

I agree with @FoxtrotSkarloey . As your DD’s carer I’d have been happy for her to play with her classmates in the open area, but would have told her that she’s not to approach their table but to come back to me when they sit down to eat, so we could get something special (I have a child this age, fwiw - I can bribe with food like the best of them).

If i’d have been the party mum I might have offered your DD some food etc but I might not -
if she was being a pest
if I knew that the venue would charge extra for it (and I was on a budget)
if I’d already had extra siblings etc turn up and knew we were short of food
if I worried that she’d hang around for a party bag too, and that I didn’t have enough.

When I host parties I invite a small group of kids but am generous with siblings, food, party bags etc. To me that’s how you make people feel welcome. But it’s not the only way to do things.

OP, I've read your updates and I'm conscious that you didn't post in AIBU but you did ask about rudeness.

I think it's rude of you to expect the host to have accommodated your DD or, as per an update post, to expect her to make clear to your sister if she couldn't afford to organise food for her. Your sister shouldn't have put the host in that position. It's the stuff of nightmares for a host to deal with uninvited guests.

How would you manage that, exactly? Without taking the child out of the centre altogether and upsetting them?

Errr, you parent?! Why can’t some parents say no to their children? It’s up to you to explain they can’t be part of everything. The whole class was not there; it was a few chosen by the child. This will happen time and time again, it’s up to parents to guide children on dealing with this.

And yes, if you don’t want to do that, you can remove them.

This is an absolutely minimal amount of interaction.

This is a tricky situation but I agree with the majority that your sister sound have gone off bouncing and having snacks with your daughter, not let her tag onto a birthday party uninvited.

You don't know where they are coming from - the birthday girl may find birthdays overwhelming, as lots do, and the parents may have been trying to keep it smallish- just close friends and family etc, so that she had the best time.

My daughter and her daughter have a similar name, and they’re in the same class. I didn’t say we text each other regularly, but let’s say friendly. I don’t think she didn’t recognise my daughter enough to awknoledge her. It was not her place to say anything anyway

I’m sorry op she wasn’t invited and she can’t just attend. Your sister should have moved to another area or left, she behaved terribly in letting your little girl try to join, and for so long she was still hanging around for the cake after the pizza

how very awkward for the mother, other kids and your daughter, who wouldn’t have understood,