Parents rudeness

[happymom92]

Dear daughter is 4.5, reception class. She went to a trampoline park with my sister on saturday because I was working that day and by pure coincidence she met some of her class friends there.
One of them was having a birthday party(basically a booked table or 2 with a few adults and kids in a open space area). So ofc my DD was playing with her classmates and going to their table. The birthday girl mum ignored my daughter and literally turn her back on my daughter and offered all the other kids a slice of pizza. My sister noticed that and tried to remove her from there.
After a while ofc they had cake with Elsa(my daughter’s favourite character) and she was crying and being so upset why she can’t join them celebrate her friend’s birthday and have some cake too.
I do know she had no obligation whatsoever to include my daughter, but I just find it so rude and cruel to act like this with a 4 year old, especially being from the same class. I could never do it. I am thinking to privately message her or put a message on the parents group class(not giving names ofc) that we should all be nicer people(clearly she isn’t), maybe to learn something for the future. Am I overreacting? Should I just let it go and not stir things up and make it awkward when we meet eachother at school pick ups

PS in case she didn’t recognise my daughter, one of the other mums invited with her daughter at the party definitely knows my daughter and she didn’t say anything either (not her place to say it, but just for the record )

How horribly unfortunate for your daughter, and I can imagine that she'd be upset. For an adult to turn up to a restaurant to find all your friends there having a party that you've not been invited to would be bad enough, but a four year old would really struggle with this.

But still, the birthday mother shouldn't have had to deal with it (and you've said yourself that she possibly didn't even know your child was in the same class - and it's not up to a guest mother to tell her either). Your sister was in a difficult position, but she should not have let your DD crash the party. In her place I think I'd have left with DD and taken her somewhere extra special instead.

If you posted anything like you're intending on the whatsapp group, you're going to be a pariah for the rest of your child's school days. Don't even think about it. No-one at the school gates would ever want to be associated with you, and that would have its effects on your child too.

We have just been told! The sister let the niece gate crash a party and didn’t manage her behaviour. Perhaps a misjudgment on her part, as opposed to being intrinsically horrid. But it was horrid behaviour at that time.

Very unfortunate timing is all really. I've spoken to my DD(4 in Feb) about parties and how not everyone can be invited to every party, etc. I'm sure she would try to hang around if she saw nursery pals there, but I would steer her away and take her to get food myself.

She wasn't invited and no obligation blah blah but in this situation the mum was a c**t.

I wouldn't bother saying anything at all, see if she says anything to you first.

OP - I don’t think your sister could have prevented your Dd from playing with her class mates in a open plan trampoline area.
Then it was awkward for all - it doesn’t take much to defuse the situation with a bit of cake 🎂

In this situ I just would have said 'X is having her party but we aren't invited this time, so let's go and do Y.'

I think we can blow up not being invited to things as some massive deal but it's a normal part of life we have to get used to!

The OP said the mum may not have even known that the gatecrashing daughter was in the same class. Why on earth does this make the woman a cunt?

Yep I agree your sister should of removed her. But the mum could have given her a small slice of cake? I certainly would have

Oh blimey. You should have distracted your Dc and taken her away straight away. At 4 she can understand that you don't get invited to all parties, and she hadn't been invited this time.

Please don't post anything on the group chat. You will look mad.

I'm intrigued how you know that one of the other mums who definitely knows your daughter and yet didn't acknowledge her was there, given that you weren't.

Please don’t put anything on the group chat, you’ll sound unhinged

This.

Yes it’s awkward, but this happens. Parties in open venues do mean not invited kids stumbled across their classmates at a party.

Party mum was prob just stressed about serving and making sure there was enough for invited guests.

Not a nice situation for anyone, but not really anyone’s fault, just one of those things.

If the party child had wanted your daughter at her party she would have invited her.
It was a difficult situation and could have been handled better by all the adults involved - your sister should have removed your DD from the area but party Mum could have sent over a piece of cake for example but she was under no obligation to and I didn’t think she did anything wrong
If you say anything you will look ridiculous and probably decrease the chances of your child getting any future invites

For all we know there could have been 5 or 6 unwanted/uninvited kids hanging around their table, a cake will only go so far and of course it goes to the invited kids!

I do wish @happymom92 would come back and tell us if she's posted in the group chat/if the almost unanimous comments are fair/or if this is indeed a reverse!

I think it’s clear that those who think this is ok seem to be the ones calling the host a cow or a cunt, and that tells you quite a lot.

Yep, the same type who would rock up to a kids party with uninvited siblings and expect them to be included.

I think this was a very awkward situation. I do think it should have been explained to your daughter why hanging around wanting cake and getting upset about it was really not on - it is a shame, but equally, it would have really put a bit of a dampener on what was meant to be a nice celebration.

Of course, your priority is your daughters feelings, but I think it helps to understand that’s how the other mum feels. I’ve had this from the other side, where I paid for my then fifteen-month old to have a go on one of those toy cars and two slightly older children were trying to sit on it and barge him out of the way and I did end up having to tell them quite firmly to go away. Not their fault, but equally I don’t have a responsibility to pay for every kid in the place to go on the car!

Yabu.
Your sister should've kept your dc away and even spoke to the parent to apologise for dc 'gatecrashing' the party. Your sister would've been able to gauge the other parents view. Don't send a message. That's so rude. At 4.5 your dc should be old enough to understand that it's not her party and she hasn't been invited.

You crashed a kids birthday party... WTF where YOU thinking?

Its ok for your DD to play with the kids in the public non reserved area if those kids want to play with her but what on earth where you thinking allowing her to go up to their private party table? and then expecting the mother to include your ininvited kid is the hight of cheeky fuckery from YOU not them.

YOU made your kid upset by giving them the incorrect assumption they are entitled to behave badly and them realising they are actually not allowed to have everything they want.

Its £10-£20 per kid for that slice of pizza and party bag god only knows how much for the cake (we buy ones for the correct amount as we dont want loads of cake left over) + it all has to be booked in advance... you where NOT invited so NOT entitled to anything.

I mean imagine being hungry and walking past a resteraunt where you see your co-worker having a family meal for their birthday and just walking in and plonking yourself down at their table without being invited, ordering a meal, helping yourself to a slice of their cake then buggering off leaving them with your food bill... do you think that would be remotely acceptible OP?

Wow, your sister should not have let your kid hang around while the invited friends were eating! Four is old enough to learn you don’t get invited to every party.

If you message the host mum you’ll be “that mum” forever more. Don’t do it.

You are so in the wrong here. The birthday child is entitled to have her party at that venue and her parents are entitled to invite who they choose. They are also entitled to enjoy the event without being pestered to include uninvited guests.

I dare say that many of us would have cheerfully included another child in these circumstances but you cannot expect or assume that would happen.

Not an easy situation for a 4yo but surely she doesn't have every child to her party so a tactful conversation was all that was required.

I have to wonder why your sister relayed all this to you in such a pointed fashion. Talk about stirring up resentment. She could have handled this so much better both in terms of shielding your daughter and with what she chose to share with you.

@mam0918
The OP wasn’t there.

I'm afraid you're wrong. She wasn't invited to the party so your sister should have kept her away from anything party related. Them being in the same class is irrelevant, it wouldn't be acceptable if they were strangers so not acceptable with no invite

Honestly, honestly, honestly DO NOT write a passive aggressive message on the pre school/school WhatsApp group. It will follow you forever and you will never live it down. This stuff gets gossiped about and you’ll stick in people’s mind for the duration.

I think what you do is precisely nothing. You just simmer on it for a while and then let it go.

@Givemeallthegin8 let us know where your next child's party is, we'll all crash in and see if you like it 🙄