Parents rudeness

[happymom92]

Dear daughter is 4.5, reception class. She went to a trampoline park with my sister on saturday because I was working that day and by pure coincidence she met some of her class friends there.
One of them was having a birthday party(basically a booked table or 2 with a few adults and kids in a open space area). So ofc my DD was playing with her classmates and going to their table. The birthday girl mum ignored my daughter and literally turn her back on my daughter and offered all the other kids a slice of pizza. My sister noticed that and tried to remove her from there.
After a while ofc they had cake with Elsa(my daughter’s favourite character) and she was crying and being so upset why she can’t join them celebrate her friend’s birthday and have some cake too.
I do know she had no obligation whatsoever to include my daughter, but I just find it so rude and cruel to act like this with a 4 year old, especially being from the same class. I could never do it. I am thinking to privately message her or put a message on the parents group class(not giving names ofc) that we should all be nicer people(clearly she isn’t), maybe to learn something for the future. Am I overreacting? Should I just let it go and not stir things up and make it awkward when we meet eachother at school pick ups

PS in case she didn’t recognise my daughter, one of the other mums invited with her daughter at the party definitely knows my daughter and she didn’t say anything either (not her place to say it, but just for the record )

10 x children at £25/head (which seems to be the price mentioned several times above) = £250

My DDs parties at that age have been in hired halls, most expensive £35, some for free. Party food is usually a selection of some of the following (sandwiches, pizzas, bag of carrot sticks, bags of mini apples, crisps, hot dogs, cupcakes) some balloons, party games & a decent playlist. All for a dam site cheaper than £250 and as many kids as we want to invite.

They are in reception, noting needs to be fancy as long as the kids have fun.

Yes. You ARE overreacting. Say nothing. Please.

Some kids get left out and not invited. Your Dd needs to learn that and quickly.

This is a great plan, & would have solved OP's second-hand dilemma perfectly.
IF you had a time machine, M15-level capabilities to identify & track down Party Mum, & the negotiation skills to persuade her to go back & change her plans.

I imagine telling her that it's vital, in order to prevent some random woman she barely know's sister's niece, who she probably won't even recognise, from turning up at her planned trampoline party & getting upset MIGHT not swing it, so good luck on the negotiation side: the time machine element might actually be easier to pull off than that ...

I’m sorry but you are being totally unreasonable
the parent probably didn’t even have a clue who your daughter was! I would be more pissed off at you/your sister for allowing that situation to arise in the first place. It’s very rude to linger at a table for a party you weren’t invited too! I’m a parent of 3 children and would absolutely NEVER allow my children to behave like that. Your sister is the one in the wrong here.

I don't think you should make comments to the mum about 'Being kind etc' but maybe something along the lines of ' I'm sorry about my daughter the other day, I realise she wasn't invited to the party but obviously she didn't understand that and it was difficult for my sister to explain without her getting upset.' This will hopefully make the other mum feel guilty and realise it wouldn't have taken much to be kind.

She didn't need to offer any food, could easily have said ' sorry I've only ordered enough for the children I've brought '. Even if the birthday child had an issue with your daughter, there is no need for parent to be rude to her as a child.

It actually reads like you sent your daughter in to that place knowing the party was there and tried to gatecrash. That's what the other parents will have thought anyway.
You sound entitled.

The birthday cake was YOUR daughters favourite character? How about it was the birthday child's favourite? The birthday child whose party your child was not invited to.

I actually think this post can't be real

I agree it is cruel. Trying to put adult logic on to a 4 year old is ludicrous. Of course she would not understand at that age and any decent person would just let her join in.

Sadly it is not uncommon for adults to be nasty like this, you will know this now by the other responses. It is a very British thing, I guarantee you any other culture/nationality the world over would never exclude a child in this way. Where do you think bullies come from? They learn it from the parents. That is why the cycle continues.

Your dd would naturally be very upset. So would any adult in a similar circumstance for that matter. The only difference is an adult can regulate their feelings better.

So which child should go without pizza so that she could have some?

Don’t stir OP up.

she wasn’t there! She doesn’t know if anyone was nasty.

her four year old ran about with kids who were at a party and wasn’t offered party food.

it’s not the end of the world. It’s not bullying: we have no idea of the party mum even knew who she - stressed or distracted - or even saw the child. The sister could well have thought brilliant - little one can join that party and I can have some peace.

blowing this out of all proportion helps no one. Using inflammatory language helps no one. It’s all a bit silly.

i could tell you this is how snow flakes are create - people who go looking to be offended and brand small children bullies etc. blow this up into a cultural issue, say our whole society is damned because one child didn’t get a slice of pizza at a party she wasn’t invited to. That this little girl will grow up to be entitled, lacking resilience and without normal social boundaries. But that would be nonsense too. Because this is a slice of bloody pizza!!!!

Again language like being "entitled" all bullshit adult talk.

A 4 year old cannot fathom what your saying. I stand by what I say. This country has a big problem of expecting very young children to act like mini adults where no other nation would expect. I have vast experience of nearly every country on earth, and believe me no one would treat a child like this. It is very damaging to their wellbeing and yes bullying behaviour by adults.

Children pick up that it is ok to exclude and bully. So if it is ok to exclude at trampolining why not in the school playground? It is ok not to let everyone play because mummy didn't let everyone play at trampolining, children that age do not have the cognitive behaviour to separate these two different scenarios.

This is how bullies are born. Horrible horrible adults and their inability to regulate their tempers, yet they expect a 4 year old to understand. It is disgusting. The fact so many of you agree that it is ok to effectively bully a child highlights why we have so many unkind people.

This is just rubbish. Your argument would be that any child who wanted to join in should be welcomed, regardless of what anyone else wants.

That’s how you breed children who cannot be told no, and yes, it does start young. There isn’t a magic older age you can start saying no. It’s too late by then.

I think it’s fine to “exclude” politely but firmly anyone who tries to crash a party they weren’t invited to. If it’s a child they should be treated with kindness of course but not allowed to join in.
My DD had a small but tight friend group at Primary, she invited the friends she wanted to to her parties. I would never have made her include someone she hadn’t invited - I would expect her to be nice about it (and she would) but if she wanted someone at her party she would have invited them.

Again my point proven. You expect a 4 year old to understand why they can't join in with their classmates.

But that is the other point, they should not really have classmates at 4. All other countries start school at 6 with good reason. Especially if you want them to understand why they need to go away in certain circumstances. Perhaps at 6 years old they can understand better why in certain situations they are being bullied.

Massive sympathy for you, your sister in law and most of all your daughter as it must have been soul crushing to see a party for what she considers to be her friends and know that she wasn't invited. But it sounds like it was a fairly small party, small group and that to me suggests budget wise, they were limited on numbers. If they only catered per head then they wouldn't have had enough food to then include your daughter too if she wasn't invited. So on that basis, I have sympathy for the hosts too. Once another classmate turned up at the same venue by chance, they were automatically in a v awkward position. Given how expensive kids birthdays can get though, it's not unreasonable for them to limit the numbers to just the top.ten or whatever. I wouldn't say anything to the other parent as technically she has done nothing wrong. I don't in any way seek to belittle how upsetting this incident was for you and your daughter but technically the other Mum has done nothing wrong. Its just pure bad luck. Sadly even if she hadn't bumped into them there, kids talk, she may well have heard about it, and she would have just got upset at school.instead but not everyone can afford whole class parties and not all venues can accommodate them. Hope your daughter is okay now. X

100% this

I can't boast your vast experience of nearly every country on earth @Citycentre3, but I know for a fact that bullying exists in all of them.

But your black & white 'logic', is so reductive it's conclusion must be that bullying only happens in Britain, & is caused by distracted parents not recognising a fellow school mum's sister & their niece, & said niece not being given a slice of cake in the confusion of a busy party.
This is how bullies are born. Horrible horrible adults and their inability to regulate their tempers, yet they expect a 4 year old to understand. It is disgusting. The fact so many of you agree that it is ok to effectively bully a child highlights why we have so many unkind people.
You see bullying - I see a stressed mum doing 19 things at once who probably barely noticed the random child at her party, & expected the adult accompanying her to either come & say hello to her, & ask for what she wanted like an grown up, or to remove the upset child. Seems the aunt did neither of those things though.

It's a shame you're sticking by that rather bonkers bullying idea, because your thoughts about British reserve, & British modelling of children as mini-adults had a lot of promise. You were on to something there, & could have developed a very interesting discussion on child rearing & how hidebound & old-fashioned a lot of UK thinking still is in this area. With a bit less cake obsession & a lot more critical thinking, that would have been ace!

Don’t stir OP up.

she wasn’t there! She doesn’t know if anyone was nasty.

her four year old ran about with kids who were at a party and wasn’t offered party food.

it’s not the end of the world. It’s not bullying: we have no idea of the party mum even knew who she - stressed or distracted - or even saw the child. The sister could well have thought brilliant - little one can join that party and I can have some peace.

blowing this out of all proportion helps no one. Using inflammatory language helps no one. It’s all a bit silly.

i could tell you this is how snow flakes are create - people who go looking to be offended and brand small children bullies etc. blow this up into a cultural issue, say our whole society is damned because one child didn’t get a slice of pizza at a party she wasn’t invited to. That this little girl will grow up to be entitled, lacking resilience and without normal social boundaries. But that would be nonsense too. Because this is a slice of bloody pizza!!!!

Well said @Stripedbag101
OP's sister didn't handle this well, she can't be blamed for that as she doesn't have a lot of childcare experience, but I suspect she probably can be blamed for winding OP up to present Party Mum as an unfeeling monster.
So much so that OP ending up on the brink of sending a socially-annihilating pass-agg group whatsapp.
FFS it's a storm in a teacup, not a life-altering event.

Massive sympathy for you, your sister in law and most of all your daughter as it must have been soul crushing to see a party for what she considers to be her friends and know that she wasn't invited.

Crikey, the hyperbole keeps coming.

It was a party that she wasn't invited to. Of course she should have stayed away

Exactly
Soul crushing?
Fucks sake

I think the very polite solution to this situation would be the mother insisting that the little girl join the party, because she knew all her classmates and a little girl would not be able to comprehend why she would not have been included.

I also think perhaps the sister should have offered to contribute towards the cost, because of course the mother would have been paying per head.

Then the mother should have refused profusely to take any money, because that is just polite, and the mother should have just absorbed the cost. Because let's face it how many times in life is this sort of situation going to crop up, just suck it up for politeness sake

Then perhaps the mother could have shown her gratitude by buying the birthday girl a little gift as a thank you for including her daughter in such an usual situation.

Honestly common sense and decency, adults just can't seem to do it anymore so how do we expect children to learn as an example.

Because that’s really bad manners - to put a complete stranger in a difficult situation when there was absolutely no need.

@Citycentre3

I have vast experience of nearly every country on earth, and believe me no one would treat a child like this.

you have vast experience of nearly 200 countries? How is that possible? Are you immortal?

are you aware of the horror of if child advise that happens across the globe - clearly you are given your vast experience? Yet you claim that in no country would a child be denied pizza at a birthday party that they were invited to!!!!

😂😂😂
Don't be so mean @Stripedbag101

CityCentre just made a mistake. She meant to type "bigly experience."
You never took that nice Mister Trump to task for it (I saw you at that rally, lapping up the hyperbole). I think it's pure sexism on your part. You wouldn't accuse a MAN of not being able to have bigly experience of 200 countries in 8 decades, would you? Well would you - punk?

Thoughts and prayers