Parents rudeness

[happymom92]

Dear daughter is 4.5, reception class. She went to a trampoline park with my sister on saturday because I was working that day and by pure coincidence she met some of her class friends there.
One of them was having a birthday party(basically a booked table or 2 with a few adults and kids in a open space area). So ofc my DD was playing with her classmates and going to their table. The birthday girl mum ignored my daughter and literally turn her back on my daughter and offered all the other kids a slice of pizza. My sister noticed that and tried to remove her from there.
After a while ofc they had cake with Elsa(my daughter’s favourite character) and she was crying and being so upset why she can’t join them celebrate her friend’s birthday and have some cake too.
I do know she had no obligation whatsoever to include my daughter, but I just find it so rude and cruel to act like this with a 4 year old, especially being from the same class. I could never do it. I am thinking to privately message her or put a message on the parents group class(not giving names ofc) that we should all be nicer people(clearly she isn’t), maybe to learn something for the future. Am I overreacting? Should I just let it go and not stir things up and make it awkward when we meet eachother at school pick ups

PS in case she didn’t recognise my daughter, one of the other mums invited with her daughter at the party definitely knows my daughter and she didn’t say anything either (not her place to say it, but just for the record )

And then you’re seen by the venue to be feeding another child, looking like you’ve lied about numbers. These parties have a cost per head. You can’t just start feeding other children you haven’t paid to cater for. Talk about clueless.

Responding in good faith, albeit this doesn't seem your everyday situation. Demonstratively leaving out one child from party invitations is mean: for that child's mother to then ignore/turn her back on a little girl is pathetic behaviour from an adult. If DD hadn't received an invitation, then there is no reason to suspect her 'gatecrashing' was not deliberate! I can't imagine being the kind of character who'd use a small child to make some petty point; a small slice of cake wouldn't have killed her.

Talking of which, a four-year-old child does not understand that she's gatecrashing. If a child sees other children she knows on a day out, of course her natural instinct will be to play with them. This will have been a difficult situation for the sister: how do you explain to a 4-year-old that she's been left out?

So far, so not unreasonable. BUT ... it's really not advisable to stick a cryptic note on WhatsApp advising everyone that we should all be better people. Surely you don't imagine this will either resolve your current situation, or be taken at all well by anyone?

True. But the OP's sister should have stepped in and taken her somewhere away

I do have one bit of advice going forward OP. Ditch the WhatsApp group. No end of social awkwardness there. I'm autistic and cannot deal with those groups at all. V happily out of that loop.

I think she did but as a typical 4 year old who doesn’t quite understand I think it may have been difficult to tear her away.

In the situation I definitely would have tried to distract my daughter and steered her away, but I think for the mum to have ignored her was a bit nasty.

We don’t really know that the mum did ignore her - the sister seems to have created a lot of fuss about this. And if the mum did, it’s likely the mum had no clue who the child was, or was looking around for who was in charge of this random child.

People are saying the 4 year old is rude and I dont see that at all , she didnt know the etiquette, It was really up to the Sister to handle BUT at 26 with no kids herself she was probably stumped what to do. A parent would have known how to handle it but a childless Aunt was probably clueless what to do!

Well this is the thing isn't it. All the people labelling this little four year old an interloper and her mum clueless seem to have misunderstood that the mother wasn't there.

And expectations of behaviour well beyond a four year old.

Daft thread, OP. Just forget it.

This is on your sister for not keeping your daughter away from the group.

You'd be unreasonable to post anything on WhatsApp.

Definitely don’t say anything to the birthday child’s mother. It would be a black mark against your mother.
It’s a tricky situation OP because your DD is too young to understand she wasn’t invited so couldn’t join in with party and her natural instinct was to play with kids she knows.
Those venues can be very expensive and strict on party numbers, but if I was the party organiser I would of brought a slice of cake over to your DSis for the DD. But obviously not everyone would.
Your DSis doesn’t have kids so she mightn’t of anticipated issues the way you would have if you were there.

Mum sounds like a twat. She's hardly gatecrashing just an over excited 4 year old. I wouldn't say anything just make a note not to invite them to anything in future. How big is the class? I can understand if it's a large class but if your DD was the only one not invited that's poor

I think YABU - but it wouldn’t have killed the other mums to be a bit kinder and to explain. Your sister should have been intervening at the “party” bits to keep DD away.

I'm the person who feels deep guilt and would have included the child. And then dealt with the tantrums of my own children later when they didn't get a party bag but the random hanger on did.

Great that she played with her friends. But going to the party table is a no no, and your sister should have removed her and said that she can't join in with the party. Harsh lesson, yes, but for you to now be judging the other mother so harshly is bang out of order.

But the parent seems to agree with the aunt and the child here. It sounds like the OP wouldn’t have done anything differently. If she is from another culture or country, I do appreciate that she might not have picked up on social cues, though, especially as the child can only have been in school for less than a term, so not a huge amount of time for the mum to learn, especially if things are done very differently in her home country.

I agree with this.

Forget the PA WhatsApp post. Create friendships for your LO outside of school and leave the mean mummies to it.
Who would have thought so many mums would be happy to deny their DD’s classmate a sliver of birthday cake 😔

Daughter understandably wasn’t in the wrong here. I would even say the sister isn’t in the wrong here because she doesn’t have children and is 26.

OP your first reaction needs work stat, it’s against all social school norms. You don’t post mysterious things on WhatsApp. Ever. Especially not about other parents. Someone is going to mention it to the teacher casually that you are one of those mums.

please please please work on getting a different mindset. Things happen at school that are.. unfortunate. The goal isn’t realistically to make sure they don’t happen, it’s to make sure you cope with supporting the kids through disappointment

Unless I've missed it, we don't know that the party mum realised your DD was in the same school/class he her child.

Add to this the stress of hosting these things, esp at feeding time, and the fact that this sort of venue has staff on hand very likely to charge for 'extra' guests, and I can completely see how/why party mum didn't offer food and cake.

I would message the other mum - to give a casual apology that you heard your daughter had tried to crash the party, and that you hope she wasn’t a nuisance. Apologize for your sister not stepping in more to prevent the situation.

What a cruel thing to do to a very small child. It isn’t as if the party was deliberate gatecrashed and anyone with an ounce of emotional maturity would have realised that and been kind.

It was an impossible situation. I’d have wanted to leave and take my child away from that awful parent but then they’d have been upset and I’d have wasted money.

Christ this thread is depressing!

I agree but there are clearly a good few posters in this site who seem like they'd get a thrill out of upsetting a 4 yo, same as they are clearly relishing trying to upset a mother navigating an awkward situation. Bit rich that they're also trying to lecture others on socially appropriate behaviour. Really weird people.

But don’t message because that parent has the same mentality as most of the people on this thread. Mean-spirited, emotionally immature, petty and cruel….

I dont think op even knows the Mum or child! Her dd is possibly not even in the same class, might not even be in the same school! Yes one of her friends were there but from what has been said ops dd might not have even known the child.

You'd compromise your own child's social life & emerging peer group just to spite another parent? A parent who hadn't snubbed you, just didn't know who the hell your sister was, & probably didn't recognise your child either?

Supposing that parent happens to be the mother of one of your child's favourite friends? Especially given how fluid friendships are at this young stage - they can be best friends one week, disinterested the next, then reconnect the next. Why would you effectively punish your child by excluding a parent you don't even need to hold an opinion about?

That’s ridiculous. She didn’t expect a party bag. It doesn’t have to be “Let’s ignore the evil gatecrashing four year old” or “Let’s upset our own child and give the evil child the party bag”. A normal person would have felt bad for the child and given them a bit of cake.

if we’re talking about social etiquette, it is always bad social etiquette to make someone else uncomfortable. That’s what etiquette is - dignified, kind behaviour that makes everyone comfortable.

Why is it that when an OP dares ignore helpful advice then that’s all sort of wrong and tar and feathers follow, but everyone ignoring the op is acceptable?