Parents rudeness

[happymom92]

Dear daughter is 4.5, reception class. She went to a trampoline park with my sister on saturday because I was working that day and by pure coincidence she met some of her class friends there.
One of them was having a birthday party(basically a booked table or 2 with a few adults and kids in a open space area). So ofc my DD was playing with her classmates and going to their table. The birthday girl mum ignored my daughter and literally turn her back on my daughter and offered all the other kids a slice of pizza. My sister noticed that and tried to remove her from there.
After a while ofc they had cake with Elsa(my daughter’s favourite character) and she was crying and being so upset why she can’t join them celebrate her friend’s birthday and have some cake too.
I do know she had no obligation whatsoever to include my daughter, but I just find it so rude and cruel to act like this with a 4 year old, especially being from the same class. I could never do it. I am thinking to privately message her or put a message on the parents group class(not giving names ofc) that we should all be nicer people(clearly she isn’t), maybe to learn something for the future. Am I overreacting? Should I just let it go and not stir things up and make it awkward when we meet eachother at school pick ups

PS in case she didn’t recognise my daughter, one of the other mums invited with her daughter at the party definitely knows my daughter and she didn’t say anything either (not her place to say it, but just for the record )

So if they had bumped into her friends at the cinema, should the mom share popcorn?

At a theme park, should she buy a meal?

At the swimming baths, should she let her join them at McDonald's afterwards?

Where do you draw the line?

How awkward for all involved 😐 I generally agree that your dd should've been kept away from the party area as at the end of the day she wasn't invited. However, this is an incredibly difficult lesson for a 4YO to learn. They are so unconditionally friendly and open that for most the concept of leaving a kid out or being left out mostly shouldn't even enter their vocabulary. For this reason I actually think that the ultimate etiquette for reception parties is to invite the whole class where possible. There's plenty of cheap things you can do for a class full of kids that most would love eg just hire a room out and have a disco. Having said this I don't think you'll win at all calling the other mum out on this. Just smile and shake it off and try and encourage dd to do the same. No good will come from being passive aggressive about it. There'll be plenty of other parties xx

Whole class parties are unheard of where I live. It’s always a small group of children only.

OP, I was ready to say how ridiculous you’re being until you mentioned being from a different culture.

Plenty of cultures around the world are ‘the more the merrier’ type and would stretch what they’ve or get in more, instead of going by who’s invited or not. Contrary to what a pp said, the children from those cultures are far less entitled than British ones. I understand where you’re coming from.

However, as you’ve a 4.5year old so surely you’ve been exposed to a lot of British ‘etiquette’? This is how it goes, I’m afraid.

I understand it’s hard to think of your DD being rejected but the best thing to do as pp said, is minimise and move on. You’ll determine your DD’s reaction to this by how you frame it for her.

She’ll hopefully have already forgotten about it.

Your DD will have got over this tantrum in about 5 minutes. Do you always indulge her when she doesn’t get what she wants? Children have to learn that they can’t always get what they want. Maybe the parent was conscious of allergies and didn’t want to risk giving food to a child she didn’t know.

@happymom92 Unlike everyone else I can see why your upset, I would be, your DD is 4 ffs, of course she’s going to be hanging round her school friends. I don’t think her wanting to be included can be construed as begging, especially if she dosnt understand that she’s not supposed to be invited.

I would never ignore a child like that, but then again I’d never have a limited number party for my reception age child in a public place like a trampoline park. I’ve always done full class ones at that age. And they have been cheaper than a trampoline park. And think it’s rubbish the trampoline park would see it as an extra child, once inside and paid they don’t care. And unless the mum has brought the worlds smallest cake, I don’t see how there wouldn’t be loads left over.

Also, I don’t know any trampoline park where kids are fed in the public cafe area, they are fed in the party rooms. It actually sounds like the mums just brought party food along and paid for the trampolines not the actual party package.

If your going to have a party in a trampoline park then it’s going to be open to the public, meaning anyone can be there, including other class mates.

I agree it’s not possible to supervise them 100% of the time in places like that. I position myself in the best possible place but there are always places you can’t see them unless you actually go in with them, which I have no intention of doing. I don’t think I’ve ever seen any mums on the trampolines unless it’s a toddler session, dads yes but they are usually acting like big kids themselves. And even if it was possible why would you stop your child playing with her friends.

Dont text, I definitely agree with others it would make you look bad not her. Mark it up to experience and if you feel like it, don’t invite that child to your DDs parties.

WOW bet you was that MUM !!! A 4yr old thank goodness does not understand the difference, some of you on here are destined for a dark dark place !!

If the party was held in a house/gardenand your daughter walked passed, she wouldnt join in...... so whats the difference?
Your sister in law should have gone somewhere else.
Your daughter has to learn life lessons... it is never too early to start!

OP I agree with you and if I were the parent I would have given her a slice of pizza and a slice of cake. Pretty unlikely she didn't have a slice leftover. but clearly we are in the minority and nice people are a rarity.

I think this response hasn’t got the credit it deserved.

But seriously OP, if I was in your position I’d be apologising to the party mum, explaining that your DD was with your sister and saying you hope DD wasn’t too much of a nuisance.

If they wanted your DD there then they would’ve invited her in the first place!

Well, you can’t be very nice, as that’s such a wankerish and judgmental thing to say.

But presumably the party mum didn’t know the dd was upset about the cake, as the dd was removed by the sister once the meal started.

Generally speaking people who claim to be nice aren’t.
Bit like people who say “be kind” when they are pretty nasty themselves

The replies commenting on other people’s kindness being a sign of the opposite are hilarious 😂
Keep up the justifications for your tightness folks

"After a while ofc they had cake with Elsa..."

"... should I just let it go? "

Lol.

I think a little kindness goes a long way and that’s what we should teach our kids. Kids learn by example

But you're teaching your child that it's okay to gate crash a party, that they weren't invited to. You expected them to give her pizza and cake, and no doubt get charged for another child. Your sister is 26 with no children of her own, and it sounds like she handled the situation very badly. She didn't keep your child away, which must have made it SUPER awkward for the birthday girl's Mum. You're now so outraged at this other parents behaviour (even though you weren't there to see it with your own eyes and only have your sisters word to go on), so much so, that you're considering being passive aggressive on a parents WhatsApp group. The only problem here is you and your entitlement.

OP i understand where u are coming from. The adult was rude to ignore a 4 year old. I mean she is 4 she doesnt understand that she was not invited she just saw her friends there and wanted to join in. I really dont understand why she could not just be given a piece of cake. You will learn some people are just arseholes.

If only you realised this 10 pages ago 😂

This.
Your poor DD. She wasn't treated very kindly, given her age BUT... but your sister should have taken her out of that situation straight away, and not allowed it to develop and get worse.

Please don't post comments about it on WhatsApp - you just don't know how it will be received and many people may have opinions about "gatecrashing" given the pay-per-head situation. Even though this was not your four-year-old's fault and she quite naturally gravitated to people she knew.

I'd focus on setting up some fun play dates for her and putting this incident firmly in the past. Don't mention it again in her hearing. It's an eye-opener how children pick up on these things and it's better for her not to think about it again.

This this this.
My 4 year old would understand that it was a private party if I explained.
4 year olds aren’t incapable of understand this.

I am thinking to privately message her or put a message on the parents group class(not giving names ofc) that we should all be nicer people(clearly she isn’t), maybe to learn something for the future. Am I overreacting? Should I just let it go and not stir things up and make it awkward when we meet eachother at school pick ups

WTF?
You're not thinking this through OP.
You're banging on about how mean these parents were to your little girl - you've even blamed a 4 year child for this 'rudeness' you've concocted - but you're not actually thinking of the potential consequences for your little girl.
What do you think is going to happen if you send some kneejerk email to all these other parents? Do you think people will rush to apologise, to centre you, to #BeKind?
Or is it more likely that you will be blamed, gossiped about, & that everyone will hear that you are somebody to be avoided? No doubt some loose lipped parents will talk about you in earshot of their children, & your little girl will hear of it, maybe even be the subject of cruel remarks or exclusion. You know how cliques operate - for adults AND little kids.

It's not the other parents' fault that your sister didn't cotton quickly enough & remove DD from the source of distress. DD is 4! - not old enough to comprehend why she wasn't included. She should have been taken away & distracted. Your Whatsapp notion will do nothing expect make YOU feel better & validated for about 5 minutes, Then you will both get the backlash. Don't do it.
Also - grow up a bit, your DD will be needing you to navigate the perils of school social life. Be the example you want her to experience.

Also, you were not there. You did not see this with your own eyes OP.
Your sister with her auntie head on probably felt extra sorry for her niece and has quite possibly embellished the story a bit there. She shouldn’t have come home from there telling you and winding you up. Sounds like you’ve been wound up and encouraged to be annoyed about it tbh.

Sorry I skimmed a bit and have now seen your updates OP.

Your DD was rude but she's young and will learn. No harm done. Your DSis has no DC so maybe didn't foresee what was about to happen and keep your DD busy enough at food time. The mum was rude to turn her back but was put in an awkward situation. She should not have to explain her financial situation or her choice for not inviting your daughter and its unfair to expect her to. You may have felt like venting about rude parents but she may well be feeling like venting about rude children and parenting. As you say its done now though. I do hope your DD is ok, she's only little and they all have to learn "you aren't invited" at some point.