Parents rudeness

[happymom92]

Dear daughter is 4.5, reception class. She went to a trampoline park with my sister on saturday because I was working that day and by pure coincidence she met some of her class friends there.
One of them was having a birthday party(basically a booked table or 2 with a few adults and kids in a open space area). So ofc my DD was playing with her classmates and going to their table. The birthday girl mum ignored my daughter and literally turn her back on my daughter and offered all the other kids a slice of pizza. My sister noticed that and tried to remove her from there.
After a while ofc they had cake with Elsa(my daughter’s favourite character) and she was crying and being so upset why she can’t join them celebrate her friend’s birthday and have some cake too.
I do know she had no obligation whatsoever to include my daughter, but I just find it so rude and cruel to act like this with a 4 year old, especially being from the same class. I could never do it. I am thinking to privately message her or put a message on the parents group class(not giving names ofc) that we should all be nicer people(clearly she isn’t), maybe to learn something for the future. Am I overreacting? Should I just let it go and not stir things up and make it awkward when we meet eachother at school pick ups

PS in case she didn’t recognise my daughter, one of the other mums invited with her daughter at the party definitely knows my daughter and she didn’t say anything either (not her place to say it, but just for the record )

I think some of this is down to your DSis not having kids / experience with kids. The phrases "I'm sorry sweetheart but we're not part of that party" and "off you all go then, we're not part of your party" would have stood her in good stead. If the kids are coming over to DD, she needed to (nicely) give them a flea in the ear and send them away. They don't get to come over when your DD hasn't been invited. Your DSis needed to be more assertive to keep this group away from your DD and to prevent misunderstandings occuring.

Blimey!

IME mums in reception invite the kids of the mums they know from preschool etc and maybe a random extra couple. They’ve only been in school a few weeks so friendships are far from settled. Some kids (my DD) get excluded from a lot as their mothers aren’t part of the mummy mafia. This settles in time.

The party mum may not have known DD knew the other kids. Sounds like she was rude in not acknowledging DD but I can understand not giving food without checking with an adult due to allergies etc.

So, party mum could be an asshole but could just have been stressed and not known better.

I would be inclined to speak f2f to party mum to clear the air - ‘terribly sorry if DD was gatecrashing the other day, hope she wasn’t too much of a pain’. You might guilt trip party mum or hear she hadn’t realised. Or maybe she’s an asshole.

This thread makes me think of John Donne’s quote about connectedness of people - No man is an island.

Clearly at trampoline parks each party is an island to itself. I propose MN party rule no 1:

firm boundaries drawn between all parties 😂

I'm genuinely surprised. I really thought that the generally accepted 'gold standard' in reception year at least is to invite the whole class my dd started in September and has so far been to 3 parties where the whole class was invited and 1 where only a few were. I will be inviting the whole class for her's even though she does have a couple of kids that are clearly her 'besties'. I'm not saying you're the spawn of satan if you don't invite the whole class but it just goes to show that even when you think you understand the social rules you don't always.

I think the best way to survive the primary years is don't get sucked into the 'mum mafia' either way. I have mums I talk to more than others but most are at least tolerant of me if a little snooty. The trick is don't give them chance to be unpleasant. Smile, be friendly and keep your child's needs and happiness at the centre of your conversation. It will be very difficult to be openly nasty or isolating to you if you do this. Most importantly encourage your kid to be kind and inclusive. Most parents will include your child at least if they're liked by the other kids x

I think that my answer would depend on whether the party mum recognised DD or not. If she didn't then she may have thought that she was some random child so wasn't rudely turning her back on her.

My experience at these kind of parties is that the birthday food is usually eaten in a separate room. If the food was being eaten in the general refreshment area that would seem to suggest that the mum had simply paid for the trampolining and brought the food herself.

If the mum had known your DD then, if there was enough food for everyone, it would have been kind to offer her some. If she thought she was just some random child then it may not have occurred to her to offer.

Maybe you move in fairly affluent circles, but not every family can afford a whole class party in reception, it is far from being 'the generally accepted gold standard'.

I'm genuinely surprised. I really thought that the generally accepted 'gold standard' in reception year at least is to invite the whole class my dd started in September and has so far been to 3 parties where the whole class was invited and 1 where only a few were.

No, I really disagree. At my DC’s school, the majority of children don’t have birthday parties at all. At best, some may have something with just their own family at home. Many do nothing at all. Definitely nothing with invited friends from school. There has never been a whole-class party. Small parties with a handful of children are absolutely typical. We tended to have parties at home and played party games. We never went out to something like a trampoline centre. Others would have, but a small handful of children would be normal.

You should leave it alone.

I get that it’s upsetting for your child to not be included but she should have been steered away from the party she wasn’t invited to right from the beginning. She could play with her friends on the trampolines but not go over to the tables.

It’s just really impolite to gatecrash someone else’s party.

I do think it was a bit mean of the mum to exclude your child but what if other random kids rocked up too? Would she be expected to include them as well?

@ZeroFuchsGiven oh wow I’ve managed to miss that context. In that case, I’d feel a bit embarrassed and move on. Not contact a random parent making demands.

Posting “without names” in the school group chat sounds completely unhinged. There’s always someone who writes a self righteous load of twatffle like that in the parents group or neighbourhood page, and I appreciate it because you know to avoid them at all costs.

It's just an unfortunate situation but that's life. The mother planned a birthday party. Your child was wandering over and the mother wasn't obliged to feed her.

When I got home my daughter told me she met X and Y at the trampoline park. As I said, she is not a kid that would go to other kids and play if she doesn’t know them

Also, I don’t know any trampoline park where kids are fed in the public cafe area, they are fed in the party rooms. It actually sounds like the mums just brought party food along and paid for the trampolines not the actual party package.

Once you said that I actually looked online at that trampoline park and they are saying in the party booking session the have an upstairs party zone.
The incident described in the thread happened in the public cafe area, where everyone can sit and eat.

That must of been hard for your DD to of been there and see her friends but not of been invited, I don’t think it’s too much for the party child’s mum to of offered a slice of cake I would of done, however I would let this go now and not bring it up in WhatsApp group/private message

@AliceMcK unfortunately not everyone can afford full class parties

I'm in neither an affluent nor an impoverished circle. That's understandable but if you can afford to splash out on a trampoline park then you can afford the local community centre and put a few games out/blast some music through their speakers and give them a sandwhich each. It would probably cost about the same money surely

Wow what a thread.
As a mum to five children and also a reception class teacher then I feel it has all gone bonkers.
Personally, you don't know what happened. You weren't there. Most reception class children have class parties but this obviously wasn't the case.
It was lovely that your daughter could play but she definitely should have left them alone to eat and be steered away or distracted.
Mum of the birthday girl may have or may not have known your daughter was there but it is irrelevant. If she offered cake then great but your daughter should then have been steered away to avoid the situation.
Definitely do not say anything. Parents of children in reception can be very sensitive especially with precious first borns.

What if your child doesn’t want a party like that?
We always had smaller ones for our DC based around something they wanted to do.
Why should they have a hall with a sandwich each and party games just so the whole class can be invited?
Of course one or two shouldn’t be left out so we made sure that wasn’t the case but my child’s party is for them, not the whole class (unless that’s what they want)

Ok it’s awkward. If really is. But your sister didn’t handle it correctly. It’s not the mums responsibility to manage your child. Your sister should have.

you definitely cannot post in the group. You will be forever know as “that parent”.

@User923081 thats so not the point. If someone chooses a small party within budget that’s their choice. They don’t need to downgrade party to accommodate more people.

But why would you do that? I wouldn’t think most children would like that. That doesn’t sound like a particularly nice party, especially at reception age. We never went to a party in a community centre/church hall. Only about a third of children have a birthday party at my DC’s school. They aren’t common.

Might cost the same but less than half the fun

It's funny how different everyone's experiences are. Most of the parties we've been to so far have been whole class parties in halls with an entertainer/bouncy castle. And most 4yos seem perfectly happy if you give them a piece of cake and lots of balloons to pop, even if there's not much else.

😂😂 what would you want this party?

community hall parties can become just as expensive. Round here there is bouncy castle hire, face painters, magician, bumper car things, then the food. Which is a lot of hassle and gets really expensive if you have thirty kids. A sandwich each wouldn’t cut it - kids expect pizza and crisps and sweets and cake and juice. It’s a lot of work. I totally understand why people go to a trampoline park!!

Exactly! This is what most of the parties my LO has gone to are like too. You can't win in MN land. You find a way of including every child for a reasonable price and it is slated as rubbish and not enjoyable (even though most kids would love it) You do something flashier and you're being inconsiderate either because not everyone can afford that or you end up leaving kids out.

I personally think that a really important thing for reception kids to learn is to embrace their school as a community and take pride in this. I also disagree that they won't enjoy a bit of music and balloons or a bouncy castle with all their little friends. Most kids IME absolutely love this and they won't get anything more out of a more pricey activity. They have no real sense of money or value and find wonder in the small things. That's the beauty of this age.

Each to their own though. I don't hold it against anyone however they want to spend their child's birthday. I just disagree that there aren't enjoyable and affordable ways to include the whole class