Why don’t more people have a bigger gap when it’s got so many positives?

[Trustmeimadoctor]

Not a goady post, I’m just intrigued.

Its very much the norm in my friends and family to have a 2-3 year gap between kids. It’s just the done thing and it’s what I was planning because, well, that’s what people do!

Anyway, it took us 2.5 years to get pregnant and we ended up with a 5 year gap and it’s bloody brilliant!

Only one set of childcare fees at a time, one to one time with both kids, older one much more self sufficient when baby arrives which means they can help and are doing activities/play dates independently.

My kids are very close (5&10 now) so maybe I’m lucky. But I feel like such an outlier in parenting, I’m just interested to know why that 2-3 year gap is considered so golden? Age issues aside, I do get it if you don’t start trying until your 35.

We’ve got a 5 year gap. I couldn’t have coped with a small gap, and yes, there have been plenty of positives along the way - the eldest being more independent when we had a baby was an enormous plus.

BUT at 11 and 6… They are at completely different stages of their lives, they want to do completely different things, they’ll always be a different schools, and honestly, I think the 11yo willingly talks to her brother about once a week 😂 It’s not all pluses, but a doubt any age gap is!

I guess mentally I almost have two sets of siblings, my sisters who I grew up with, and my brothers who came along later.

I do have really good relationships with them all, so I have no real conclusion to draw other than, be decent parents because that's what encourages strong sibling bonds.

It's not just a British thing.
I'm in Ireland and the small gap is the norm. I think they're nuts. But different strokes for different folks.
Contraception was not legalised til 1979 in Ireland - I know !!!
And even then it was supposed to be for bona fide "married" couples.
So large(r) families were the norm. There was many a child born, very soon after another, a "mistake" due to lack of contraception. You've heard of the term
Irish twins. Some think it's a derogatory term, I don't.
Nowadays women are having children much later, certainly in the middle classes, and having children very close together in age.
I'd prefer a 2.5 -3 year gap personally. You have more time to give each child.
But each to their own.

I have a 5 yr gap, 7yr gap and a 2yr gap. The smaller gap is by far better. Bigger gap is harder as they get older I think.

so... we should make sure our kids are close together in age so that our GRANDCHILDREN won't one day feel left out? Really???

I'd have liked mine a bit closer together. But life's not that simple. Despite what your told it's not as easy as they claim to conceive and for it to stick. These things can't just be planned. I have 7 years between mine and they are 3 and 10 now and it been absolutely fab. The best bit for me is the youngest has had the benefit of plenty of 1:1 time (as the eldest is in school) which is just what she got when she was an only.

But I haven't had it any other way to know any different.

I do know that there's 2.5 years between me and my sister and we faught like cat and dog. And we aren't overly close now.

@stuntbubbles Solidarity. We took DS to the Zoo this summer when we were on holiday, he saw the Koalas, got completely overwhelmed and lost his damn mind. There was a lot of screaming and sobbing because he couldn't hold one. I think we'll try again in a year....

That's all you got from that!?🤣 wow..
You don't have to agree with me. This is my own take on having siblings that were 3+ years older than me. Take it or leave it.

A bit more than a 4 year gap here. One set of nursery fees and in a few years time only one set of university fees and support at a time. We would have found anything else financially difficult

For me personally two in quick succession meant I didn't have to go part time between them, so my mat pay with number two is higher.

As it happens we're not intending to use childcare but if we were there'd only be a month between me going back from number two to number one turning three and being eligible for funding.

But my primary motivation was that I wanted them to be able to play together and be at a similar developmental stage.

That said, there's nothing wrong with big gaps. I have a brother much younger than me and we get on fine and always have done. I loved playing with him when he was a toddler and I was a teen.

Exactly 2y age gap here. It took a while to conceive dd1 so we aimed for 2 y minimum, then got pregnant immediately.

First year with 2 was v tough emotionally and financially! They are 8 and 10 now. Always been close but squabbly. I don't regret it but sure a bigger gap would have had different pros and cons.

There are 4 years between my Dsis and myself and for us the gap was too big. We simply did not get on at all - arguments, fights, you name it; not helped by my Mum trying to dress us the same, even when I was 12-13.

We are now very close but I would say it took us until we were mid to late 20s before we could say that.

I think it's the luck of the draw as to whether siblings get on or not, and you can't force that. I accept that financially and time wise and bigger gap may suit some families but again - that's individual choice.

Age, because I think I might want three children and I'd like to have a larger gap between the second and third. Work issues, because having time off was easier because I was wanting to apply for a different position after maternity leave. I think you're onto something though! I definitely want a larger age gap if I have a third. The small age gap has been really tough. I'd like to have both kids potty trained for at least a couple of years (that means my parents will agree to look after them!) so that I can finally have a bit of a break.

@DPotter im totally fascinated to read on here that people think it's the age gap for not getting along with their sibling. I think it's just very unfortunate because 4 years age gap isn't that bad. Plus gaps that are bigger do balance out in adulthood.

I think the closer the better and that 5+ years is too long.

I'm 6 years younger than my brother, who ended up a kind of "surrogate" third parent to me, i.e. "babysitting" me when he was a teenager etc. Parents left a lot of "parenting" to him as they thought he was responsible enough, being 6 years older! It did neither of us any good. He clearly begrudged having to look after me rather than being out with his friends etc in the teenage years and when he got his own car, it was expected that he'd take me places, pick me up, etc. It was "OK" when we were both very young as we could play together etc, but teenage years really didn't work for either of us and once I was old enough to get a proper job (18), we really drifted apart and barely have any contact with eachother now - we don't argue and havn't fallen out, more just nothing in common, so nothing to talk about really.

We have 3.5 years between ours. I'd have liked less but it took a few months and we weren't financially set up for two any earlier.

I had a bigger age gap between me and my siblings and hated it, I was the youngest and even now as an adult I feel like I'm always playing catch up and am treated like a child.

@Closuretime
@DPotter im totally fascinated to read on here that people think it's the age gap for not getting along with their sibling. I think it's just very unfortunate because 4 years age gap isn't that bad. Plus gaps that are bigger do balance out in adulthood.

I agree for adults, but 4 yrs is a big difference between a 13 yr old and a 9 yr old for example. It's plain and simple my Dsis and I just never got on as children. As I've said we are now very close, so I think the age gap was a defining aspect of our poor relationship when we were growing up, given our personalities and family dynamics

I'm 5.5 yrs older than my sis and growing up we weren't that close and argued a lot but now we are the best of friends. We are both married now and still spend a lot of time together. You know you get threads like my friends have ghosted me or I asked to meet up for a coffee with a friend and she said I'm available in 18 months time, I don't have any of that because I have my little sister. I think having same sex siblings helps as well.

Dh and his brother are just under 3 years apart and didn't play together or get on AT ALL as kids. They actively hated each other until they were teenagers - his brother's very quiet and introverted and liked to sit and play, then read happily by himself, DH is a raging extrovert bull in a china shop who was obsessed with sports and couldn't shut up. His brother had a diary in primary school where every entry started with "I hate DHName Because..."

They get on great as adults though, but smaller age gaps are no guarantee of a harmonious childhood.

Why do you want to get it out of the way quickly like it's a penance

There's 8 years between me and my brother. 10 years between me and my younger sister so 18 years between them. I'm not close with my older brother, I practically raised my younger sister as a teenager as I spent the majority of my time babysitting 🙄 I deffo think sibling relationships are better when children are closer in age (obviously not all big age gaps are extreme as this but I think even 5 years is massive)

21 months between mine. Worked for us because we didn’t use paid childcare so I worked weekends until ds2 went to playgroup. If we had a bigger gap it would have been years before I could increase my hours.

I think it’s a very personal thing and has to be what is right for you. I loved that my dses started school a year after each other and it has worked brilliantly until now, when we are funding 2 at university the same time🤣

"Why do you want to get it out of the way quickly like it's a penance"

It's a season, or a cycle, not a lifetime project - for me, anyway.

I wanted to be (mostly) home with mine until they started school, but realistically needed to be back working after that. So having them in reasonably quick succession made sense. When they were little I did casual supply teaching as and when we needed the money, but by the time the eldest had her sixth birthday I could go back full time. Any more of a gap and we'd be lacking the second income for seven or eight years or more..

The way DD slept it was like penance. Would much rather cram all that nighttime horror into one short season then move onto the bit where I no longer look like a dug-up corpse.