Why don’t more people have a bigger gap when it’s got so many positives?

[Trustmeimadoctor]

Not a goady post, I’m just intrigued.

Its very much the norm in my friends and family to have a 2-3 year gap between kids. It’s just the done thing and it’s what I was planning because, well, that’s what people do!

Anyway, it took us 2.5 years to get pregnant and we ended up with a 5 year gap and it’s bloody brilliant!

Only one set of childcare fees at a time, one to one time with both kids, older one much more self sufficient when baby arrives which means they can help and are doing activities/play dates independently.

My kids are very close (5&10 now) so maybe I’m lucky. But I feel like such an outlier in parenting, I’m just interested to know why that 2-3 year gap is considered so golden? Age issues aside, I do get it if you don’t start trying until your 35.

Probably because a lot of her benefits are other people’s negatives ( or come with trade offs) or aren’t guaranteed- like her two being close despite the age gap- that’s just chance.

I’m about to have a 3yr 8m age gap and it’s bigger than I’d have liked. To me a big age gap is just: “Freedom! My life and body back! Look at my kid playing independently and being dropped off for playdates while I go and do something else! Wait, WTF, a baby is now clamped to my nipple hourly throughout the night and I have to wait another few years to have a wee on my own?”

Maybe it’s to do with what kind of baby you got in the first place? DD was a shit sleeper and a Velcro baby and a voracious relentless breastfeeder; not looking forward to turning the clock back with this next one and wish I could have got pregnant earlier and smushed all the nappy years together!

That's what I mean though. You interpret them as being really close, and perhaps that is true, but given the choice your daughter has gone for a super close age gap rather than the very very big age gap she herself had.
I haven't met anyone who had a big age gap and chose to replicate that

5 year gap between me and my sibling has not worked at all. Nothing in common. Often acted as a pseudo parent which fuelled resentment. In adulthood it’s led to complete estrangement. So having a smaller age gap was something I was very keen to have a luckily managed to achieve.

I agree OP. I have 4 1/2 years and I love the age gap. Our two get on brilliantly (no competitiveness), meant I was never paying two lots of nursery fees, and when I was on maternity leave had the oldest at school.

I think it depends. On your support network and how well you can cope not to mention having 2 kids close together the expense.

Me and my brother are 2 years 8 months apart and growing up it was nice we were at primary together and at high school for a while together.

I stayed at home until youngest was 6. Closer together made sense

2.5 year gap here, perfect for us.
Finances weren't an issue.I wanted to maximise the chances of them being close and therefore making holidays and days out etc so easy to manage and please everyone. And so it was.
DC are often close when young, but as they grow up this changes. An 11 and a 16 year old for example have quite different needs and wants IME.

I have a 6.5 year age gap and it’s been absolutely perfect for us. Biggest got us on their own for their early formative years and they were settled at school full time by the time smallest made an appearance. They’ve always got on so well but that’s definitely a personality thing rather than an age gap thing, mind I do think it must be difficult if your children are close in age and don’t get along because everyone expects you to do everything together with a small gap. We’ve never really struggled with things to together but of course they’ve done a lot separately and had lots of one on one time with either me or their dad.

Biggest is away at uni now and smallest regularly comments on how much they miss them and when they’re back they go off out on sibling dates, bowling/shopping/cinema and such like.

I’d recommend the age gap to anyone!

Me and DH were children with siblings with larger age gaps, both hated it, both eldest children.
We had 4 in under 5 years and it worked better for us.

My friend is 31 years older than his half brother. He finds it very difficult partly because his father is unwell and thinks his elder child should be supporting his sibling financially (the mother is on the scene but it fairly inefficient apparently)

This is interesting I don't think I could start again and have a huge gap like 12 years. Although my mum did it with us but she started at 17 having her kids. My sisters are 10 and 13 years younger than me it worked for my mum because she had me and my brother together close in age then 10 years later started again. The shock of the school run is enough to make me not do it again.

Some of the replies here are helping me a lot to get my head around the age gap if I ever do manage to have another child.

I'd have loved a 2.5 - 3.5 year age gap but after 3 miscarriages TTC a second child it's too late for that. I might manage 4.5 years between them if I'm very very lucky. I grieve the sibling relationship my daughter won't have and feel a huge sense of personal failure - it really hurts to read all the opinions that you must have two close together or they won't get on etc, although I understand that's a "me" problem.

However, I do also feel that if I'm lucky enough to have another child, my first will be in school and I'll have so much more one-on-one time with the little one than I would otherwise. I'm glad my daughter has had all my attention for so long, and no doubt I'd have struggled with two very young children. Covid really put me off trying again as soon as I might have done, since I was just stuck WFH with a toddler and couldn't imagine having anything more on my plate, so I don't regret anything although I feel sad. It's nice to see that these sibling relationships and family setups can still be lovely.

I think equally though being close in age is no guarantee of being friendly towards each other, it really is just a personality thing and there is no certainty on that score.

We were aiming for a 3 year age gap ended up with an 18 month age gap and it was not easy to look after them by myself, definitely a lot to juggle especially as both have special needs so it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster and I often feel like I’ve failed at times them as I was a young mum with no idea what I was doing and little to no support.

Going back to nappies, bottles, sleep issues etc when it was a dim memory with dd1 sounds like a nightmare, I would definitely have regretted dd2 and probably hated every minute of her first 3 years. Far better to just get it over and done with.

There are lots of bits of parenting I really don't enjoy and stretching them out seems bonkers to me. School runs, juggling two different childcare settings - I will be very happy when these things are not an issue any more!

I’ve done both. I don’t see any benefits (to me personally) of having a big gap. I had the first two very close together then a 7yr gap to our youngest.
Negatives for me:

1. It has really dragged out the ‘parenting young children’ phase of life which I’ve never enjoyed.
2. My youngest isn’t close to her older two siblings as they don’t have much in common.
3. Days out but especially holidays are difficult trying to please a couple of teenagers and a much younger child. It was especially bad when she was around 5yrs and the older two were 13yrs&12yrs. They wanted to wander of an evening or go out to eat much later and it just be chilled out which it just can’t be with a tired 5yr old. They also hated having to make time to do ‘little kid stuff’.
4. Now she’s 11yrs and they’re both young adults and the gap is still huge. So I have one at university, one doing A’levels and another still in primary school.

I’m tired and jaded and so over Christmas fayres and school pick ups and play dates etc. It would have been infinitely easier to have had a 4yr old, a 3yr old and a 2yr old and to have got them all through the same stages at once.

Pressed post too soon.
Despite the struggles they are both incredibly close, they used to bet mistaken for twins until my eldest had a few growth spurts.
I think there’s so many pros and cons to having children close together vs having them further apart, I’ve enjoyed that they have been able to share so much together and they’ve both had similar interests but it’s been difficult to give them each one to one time as they’ve always been joined at the hip.
There quite a few years between myself and my siblings and we all have lived quite separate lives due to it, we have moments of being close but have drifted apart easily due to being in different stages of our lives.

I'm pretty much the same. My first (dd) was a handful! Although she did sleep well and she's now a lovely 12 yo. My ds is four years younger and was a much easier baby. If I'd had him first the gap may have been smaller.

It's a good age gap though. They are close and get on (mostly!) My dd enjoys being a big sister and he is pretty good at going along with it.

I wanted a bigger age gap than the 1 year between me and my sister as I wanted them to have their own interests, friends etc

We have 13 months and then 16 months (29 months between our eldest and youngest) and love our small gap! They'll grow up together, days out are easier as they're into the same age range of things so the elder or younger isn't going to be bored, we don't have to hang onto things for ages to be able to pass them down, and we get the nappies, formula, and sleepless nights out of the way in one go rather than coming back to it once we've got our freedom back.

I have a 2 year age gap

Gets the career disruption out of the way in just a few years so I can focus on career progression again

Kids hopefully have more in common for days out and holidays

Want to move on to the 'next stage' rather than having an older child and then going back to the baby and toddler stage

Was what I wanted.

I had a 20 month gap with my first 2 and it was wonderful. Got all the hard stuff out of the way in one fell swoop, and they’re best friends now they’re older.
I then had a 3.5 year gap between my 2nd and 3rd and found it far tricker.

I agree. How anyone can contemplate conceiving in the midst of the terrible twos is beyond me (and I found the newborn stage a doddle)....

Also, I felt quite aware of the psychological impact on my child.....2 year olds are still babies and it didn't feel right to the existing child to have another at that stage. By 3, their independence is so much greater and it felt more right. Plus they actively started asking about a sibling then.

There are 4 years between my two. I wanted a smaller gap, but it didn't happen that way. Two boys. They played well and were close when they were younger, but once the eldest started secondary school, things changed. His little brother adores him but DS1 can't be arsed with him except when it suits him. Things to do. People to see🤣 I'm sure things will get better when they're older. I do see glimpses of how they used to interact.

Where I live in Surrey most women have careers first and babies from late 30’s so age is a very important factor. I’m a prime example I had 3 in 3 and a half years because I was 41 when I had my first baby.

I also think a lot of people don’t want bigger gaps because they want the baby/toddler years condensed rather than spread out. Especially the case if taking a career break to cover childcare until they go to school. Also they worry about children being at different stages, making it harder for children to have things in common with their siblings and less chance of children enjoying the same activities/games etc.