Why don’t more people have a bigger gap when it’s got so many positives?

[Trustmeimadoctor]

Not a goady post, I’m just intrigued.

Its very much the norm in my friends and family to have a 2-3 year gap between kids. It’s just the done thing and it’s what I was planning because, well, that’s what people do!

Anyway, it took us 2.5 years to get pregnant and we ended up with a 5 year gap and it’s bloody brilliant!

Only one set of childcare fees at a time, one to one time with both kids, older one much more self sufficient when baby arrives which means they can help and are doing activities/play dates independently.

My kids are very close (5&10 now) so maybe I’m lucky. But I feel like such an outlier in parenting, I’m just interested to know why that 2-3 year gap is considered so golden? Age issues aside, I do get it if you don’t start trying until your 35.

Surely the benefits are subjective?

I have a 4 year gap between oldest and middle and a 2 year gap between the middle and youngest. I'd say the bigger gap is definitely easier.

I think I've been quite lucky in that my 2 year old will play quite happily on his own for a good while and isn't needy for attention or wanting to play, he's not jealous of the baby and the only thing he ever wants us snacks and a drink. My 6 year old was and still is needy for attention and things to do though. All 3 are good sleepers. We haven't needed childcare for the youngest 2 and by the time I go back to work next year, my middle child will be eligible for 30 hours so only 1 lot of childcare fees to pay. I find not being able to get on with things around the house during the day very frustrating, middle child doesn't nap anymore so I only have after bed time to get anything significant done.

The age gaps weren't planned either btw.

Mine are all 6 years apart ,wasn't planned that way. But due to that they are all at different stages in life so don't obviously play together or anything like that. They will all sit and chat and hang out together though . Also the fact that I'm boy girl boy girl might have something to do with it also as I say if their nearest sibling was the same sex they would probably have more in common. No guarantee that they would be best of friends anyway with smaller ages gaps. I see it with several of my friends, their kids with small age gaps seem to fight with each other and for attention constantly.

I had three under three, so a baby, a one year old and a two year old. We wouldn't want it any other way, it was brilliant, I miss those days. My kids have all been into the same things at the same time, so days out always worked for everyone. Things like holidays work as well, we were able to do things like take them to Lapland while they were all young enough to believe and old enough to remember. Likewise skiing and other activities.

Also, I grew up with a big age gap between siblings, I didn't like it and wouldn't want that, my brother was more of a third parent than a sibling.

There was over four years between me and my sibling, and we didn't really connect. Two years between my DH and SIL and they were really close. Also I kind of wanted to compact the process really.

It worked great for us. Only needing to tune into one age group, days out suiting both kids, rather than one being bored or the other not being able to access things the older one could do, etc. Same school of drop offs and pick ups most of the things. And yes, they were really close as kids, and still close as adults.

No regrets here

Re childcare, we went down the nanny route as opposed to nursery so it was cheaper to have them closer together.

Also, it was recommended to me to have them closer together as when they get older it’s easier to have family outings, holidays etc that they both enjoy. Same age group movies, activities etc.

But ultimately it was just because my first was a very easy dream baby so adding another quickly seemed like a great idea. Little did I know that my 2nd wouldn’t be the same!

Well it stretches it out, doesn't it. Many people if they only want a couple of children don't want the really intensive, pre-school childrearing period to drag on for a decade or more. Get the hard part out of the way in <6 years and move on with life. If you wanted to have more children then it ends up lasting longer anyway.

We have a ten year gap and 3 year gap. I can see the benefits of the large gap, it feels like a "cheat code" in many ways for parenting, but the interaction between the two little ones is so incredibly amazing and absolutely everything I ever wanted from parenting, so I wouldn't have wanted ONLY a large gap. In fact, I would have loved to have 3 or maybe even 4 all close together. I won't have any more. My age isn't an issue but I just don't want to extend the small-child part any longer, I want to move on with life once DS3 is out of it. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

It's all very subjective isn't it? We're planning to ttc for #2 early next year, so if everything goes to plan there will be a 2.5ish year gap between them. This is mainly because we haven't ruled out a third and I'm conscious that I'm getting older, but I'd also prefer to get the sleepless years out of the way. I think it's probably easier to manage family life with kids closer in age too.

There are pros and cons to every age gap. My friend has 4.5 years between hers PROS - both newborn and toddler stages were calmer and less stressful. They only had one set of nursery fees at a time. Eldest at school when next baby came so a 2nd maternity period with only one baby at home etc etc. CONS - they have a toddler into a load of things the 8 year old wont be seen dead near, so often spend time split apart. They only play together at a push. Different drops in the morning - one at school one at nursery, so need both parents available to do it etc etc.
We have 16 months between ours PROS - they are into the same things, so share toys, clothes, interests and friends - this makes family life much easier than them going to separate activites and doing everything differently! We can go anywhere as a family together and know they are equally satisfied. The baby and toddler years were over and done with quickly. We go to one school for drop and pick up. CONS - Crazy high nursery costs for a year or two, maternity leave with the second was a mad blur, excessive lack of sleep
Basically most people think what they did (if it was by choice) is the best!

Having 2 with a 2 year age gap was my ideal as I thought they would be good friends, have similar interests, could go to playgroups together when young and start school at a similar time and grow up together. That is all true now mine are 4 and 6.

Because people are different?

I don't know many people with a large age gap who are close to their siblings or would recommend it, I know I wouldn't want to repeat it and mine was only a six year gap. I was off to Uni before they were teens and that was it, hardly saw them for the next ten years, so we didn't get to know each other's 'adult' selves
Also makes family holidays irritating.
See how you feel about it once the eldest is a teen, op.

Anyway, everyone is different so they do what suits them.

I'm almost back to my pre-child freedoms now, unlike friends still have 10 years to go in some cases.

My three are 30, 22 and 15. they have always been super close, despite the age gap, and I wouldn't go back and change a thing. My oldest now has two babies, aged 2 and 1, and honestly, kudos to her because absolutely no way could I have coped. She wanted to get it all over and done with in one fell swoop which I can understand,

i have 11 months between mine so sleepless nights are nappies we’re already happening when the youngest was born so it wasn’t any different if it wasn’t for my career i’d have had a third within a close age gap to the 2nd but i need to return to work for a few years before i can think of a third! also my two are like little besties currently and everything from the 1st got reused for the 2nd so saved alot of money , just hate taking a double push chair out 😂

on the other hand there’s 8 years between me and my sister and we’re really close so i don’t think the age gap matters really.

We like our 20month gap. It worked for us. A 5year gap wouldn't work with parts of our lifestyle. For example we first took them skiing at 4&5 and they could be in ski school together. Watersports and climbing they've learnt together. The camping trips by canoe... not suitable for a toddler.

This is the first year I'm dealing with different school holidays and I'm already glad its just another year!

A 2.5 year gap has been brilliant for us.

We used a nanny so childcare costs wise it was better with a smaller gap.

Both DC were bad sleepers so that grouped the bad nights together.

They like the same activities. Going to theme parks, playing in huge waves, activities like canoeing and canyoning etc. Could all be done together once the youngest was old enough - and it wasn't too much of a wait for the eldest.

They get on well with each other and with each other's friends.

Everyone seems keen to defend a small age gap. I think it really varies on your lifestyle. I wasn’t ready to have another baby so soon and wanted to spend the time with my daughter whilst she was little. Logistics like nursery fees, housing and jobs also paid a part.

We planned 2 years but 2x miscarriages turned that into 3yr 6m. Our boys have always been very close. DS1was there when DS2 was born. The are grown up now, play sports and board games together but have very dissimilar work, with one creative and one working in politics. DS1 was a bit of a difficult baby and toddler but once his brother arrived life became a lot easier, not a gap people would plan but it worked out very well for us.

Me and my siblings aren't close, I think we would be if there wasn't a 7 year age gap.
So I've chosen to have 3 year age gap between my children in the hopes they will be closer and do more together, although I'm aware there's no guarantee of that.

22 month gap and I'm struggling. It's bloody hard

I think people are more explaining their positives of a small gap. As OP asked why people aren't wanting the benefits of a large gap

Perfect age gaps will vary, some people want to get kids ‘out the way’ before focusing on their career, whereas for me having 2 close together would set me back career wise, as I’m already established. After DD is born in Jan I am planning a 3 year min gap, as work wise this gives me chance to progress up a level when back to work, before going back on mat leave.

Some people really hate the baby stage so want to rip the plaster off and get it over with quickly.

Some people can’t afford double nursery fees, so need a larger gap.

The sibling sets I know and have known throughout life/childhood etc. it does seem to be that the larger gap the more problems in mid childhood - mid teens. So I’d never go for more than 3 year gap personally (feels like a perfect compromise)

My age, obviously. I was 36 and 38 with my DC. Would've liked a third but only had a mc.

Why don't more people have only children? It has a lot to recommend it.