Why don’t more people have a bigger gap when it’s got so many positives?

[Trustmeimadoctor]

Not a goady post, I’m just intrigued.

Its very much the norm in my friends and family to have a 2-3 year gap between kids. It’s just the done thing and it’s what I was planning because, well, that’s what people do!

Anyway, it took us 2.5 years to get pregnant and we ended up with a 5 year gap and it’s bloody brilliant!

Only one set of childcare fees at a time, one to one time with both kids, older one much more self sufficient when baby arrives which means they can help and are doing activities/play dates independently.

My kids are very close (5&10 now) so maybe I’m lucky. But I feel like such an outlier in parenting, I’m just interested to know why that 2-3 year gap is considered so golden? Age issues aside, I do get it if you don’t start trying until your 35.

I always thought I wanted a bigger gap, and dc was very much a "surprise" when I found out I was pregnant and DC was 16 months old. I was terrifed of having a toddler and baby, but it has actually been brilliant for us as a family. Dc1 was extremely easy by the time baby was born, and it's just been brilliant watching them grow up together. Mine are now 8 & 6, best of friends, I'm back at work now they're both at school, they share the same friendship groups, friends with siblings the same ages etc, and it just seems to work so well. I always wanted a bigger gap, but I think if I'd waited until dc1 had started school the thought of going back to nappies and no sleep again, may have put me off having a second altogether!

I guess there are pros and cons to any age gap so YABU. Perhaps people want more than 2 children. I have 4, I can't imagine having children over a period of 15 years! I had my eldest 3 2 years apart from one another which was perfect and they all get on and into the same thing and age stage however I then had 5 years between 3 and 4 and tbh it's been difficult as the other three are older and their activities are different it's harder to juggle days out they all enjoy so IMO a bugger gal is harder.

I’ve done both. 2 years between the first two and then DS arrived 7 years later.

It’s nice to get all the baby stuff out of the way when they are close together, but then all of a sudden they are teenagers and leaving you behind and Bam! that stage of your life is over.

I often love that I get a chance to do all the little kid stuff again with my youngest, then sometimes I’m totally over it.

There’s no perfect gap is there. All families are different. And I can’t comment on how the kids have found it but I’ve enjoyed both gaps for different reasons.

Age gap was much closer than if I had planned it because of fear of secondary infertility. It took a long time to conceive the first (with miscarriages along the way) so I wasn’t going to risk waiting.

Saying that, I didn’t want more than 3 years because I wanted them to grow up together and have similar interests and that is the case. Family days out are much easier - both like similar movies, we can do theatre, both meet min heights at theme parks, both cycle/scooter confidently etc. Logistically activities and clubs are easier too - they either attend together or directly before/after each other. When one makes a friend, the other tags along quite easily due to being close in age

Personally, the hit to my career was all at once and now I can get back into it with both in school. A bigger gap would have meant me being off again as soon as I’d gathered momentum after the first.

These are all things I love - there have been negatives too (childcare cost before eldest got free hours being a big one) and we should all do what is right for our circumstances

We wanted to have our DCs while we were quite young. There's 5 years between me and my sister and we're not close at all, she left for uni when I was 13 and never moved back home. I felt like an only child after that.

I am fascinated by the fact that days out keep coming up on this thread. I...don't think I've every taken DS on a day out? Am I a total weirdo?! Is this going to wildlife parks or legoland or similar?

We live in a big city, so go to museums, activities etc, but that tends to a be a couple of hours out of the day rather than the whole "day out".

Mine are 28, 18 and 16. I often get asked if they're half siblings due to the gap. With a small gap you it's easier to entertain them, organise days out, holidays, etc. The biggest benefit I saw to the gap between DC1&2 was there's no sibling rivalry and 2&3 lok up to their much older brother. There's pros and cons to each. I wouldn't say five years is a big gap. I know parents with 25 year gaps between 1&2.
With my own siblings (although there's loads of us) there's 20 years between the eldest and youngest. They have nothing in common. I'm in the middle and get on really well with all of them.

I have a 5 year age gap, but my 2nd pregnancy was twins, so still had double fees/work etc. My oldest is now 12 and my two youngest are 7 and this is where the age gap is difficult. My oldest is very much in his teenage phase and doesn't spend a lot of time with his brother and sister, which I completely understand and I don't think its a massive issue but it does cause some problems.

" one to one time with both kids, older one much more self sufficient when baby arrives which means they can help and are doing activities/play dates independently."

I have a 3.5 year gap and this is exactly how I'd describe it so I don't really understand your argument. The baby got lots of one to one time when ds was at preschool and now he's in reception so obviously even more one to one time with me.

I think of museums etc and activities for a couple of hours as a day out! At least, it feels that way, then you drag yourself home, exhausted, thinking “Well at least it’s nearly bedtime” then discover it’s only 11am

I have a 2.5 year gap and then a 4.5 year gap. There are pros to it all. There’s no point thinking about it. Don’t worry about it. It’s all good. 7 year old is obsessed with baby and is sure he’ll still play with her when she’s 10 and he’s 17 😄 we’ll see.

I have experience of both with 4 DC, with 8 yrs between the eldest and youngest, around 2 years between each of the older 3 and 3.5 yrs between youngest and next younger. I think the wider gap is more obvious as they get older. No issues when they were little and DC4 was a baby but this time next year all the older 3 will be at secondary, the youngest just entering KS2. Having a sibling at secondary makes the younger one grow up much more quickly (which isn't always appreciated by parents of classmates). When my younger ones were little, we only watched CBeebies and CBBC/CITV and it was so much easier to monitor what they were doing. DC4 hardly watches any children's TV and hasn't for a while as they're always on YouTube or Netflix. I do find I have to watch like a hawk to make sure there's no inappropriate context. Also, as PP have said, it can really hold back what you can do with older ones when they're in the sweet spot of the later primary years.

There's a 5 year age gap between mine. It was sort of planned but only because I was the main wage earner and in my industry maternity pay was not great- I was entitled to 6 months paid leave but after the first 6 weeks the pay was minimal. After saving for a deposit on a house and maternity leave for one child is took us a few years to save enough to be able to afford for me to take mat leave again. At the time I really envied my friends who had a small age gap between babies- they got all the sleepless nights/nappies etc over in once go, children were at the same school most of the time (so easier for drop offs/co-ordinating school events/time off for school plays etc), children played together as friends, often shared friendship groups, wanted to go to the same places etc etc.

Now that mine are older, I feel I am seeing the positives of a larger age gap more. They get on well but aren't in direct competition whereas a lot of friends with smaller age gaps seem to be finding that their DC are falling out a lot including at school etc. They aren't both sitting exams at the same time (friends with 2 year gaps have the joy of one doing CGSEs and the other A levels so 2 lots of teenage stress etc and problems over what to do when one does well and the other less so (to celebrate successes without upsetting the one who is disappointed).

@stuntbubbles That makes sense! I was pondering if everyone else goes to Alton Towers or to water parks every single weekend or something, since days out seem to be a massive factor in the close age gap.

It's not something that I'd ever even really thought about, so it's really interesting that it's come up so much on the thread.

I've got 14 months and it's been great as all 'stages' have been pretty-much simultaneous.

And DH and I only have three years until we can wave our teens goodbye!

Happy days.

@allfurcoatnoknickers We went to the zoo once (never a fucking gain) and it was awful and all three of us (me, DP, DD) cried at one point or another and it did take all day and simply wasn’t worth it for the exhaustion and money and expectation and so. many. snacks. A couple of hours at the Horniman Museum however = a grand day out.

I’m wondering if “days out” = for older children say 7+, like your Alton Towers example, which is then a pain if you’ve got a toddler along as well because there’s not much in it for them. Whereas my daughter isn’t yet four so is still satisfied by park + ice cream as “a day out”.

As a sibling of five with the age gaps;

Sister 11 years older
Sister 11 months older
Brother 7 years younger
Brother 22 years younger.

All the same parents apart from one, who is a half-sibling, I would say I get on with my sisters better. I do have good relationships with my brothers too though.

I do appreciate my family has some odd age-gaps though.

Just reading the responses. I love how some people have said I’m being unreasonable. I didn’t post in AIBU for that reason, I’m not trying to start a bunfight! I’m just saying that a bigger gap can be good. If having 2 close together is going to make you struggle financially then consider it! It really isn’t the be all and end all. Which is how it’s presented. And certainly how I thought until secondary infertility turned out to be a bugger!

I've got a 13 month age gap and although we didn't plan it if I had my time again I wouldn't change a thing. My girls were close growing up and are still very close now as young adults. Perfect age gap for us.

There are 10 years between my 2 sons and it's lovely, but I have been raising children ALL MY LIFE it seems.

20 months here and worked greta for us and at 17 &19 still close

We live in the sticks so most trips are ‘days out’, yes. We go to things like farm parks, water parks etc fairly regularly. We also like to go into nearby (or far away) cities to go to museums but they’d also be a ‘day out’ because there’s no point sitting on a train for 1.5 hours to just spend an hour or 2 in a museum and go home. We’d combine a couple of museums, lunch etc to make it a full ‘day out’. Not everyone lives close to numerous cultural and enriching activities 😂

I don't think I'd have coped with two close together. We have a 6 year gap.
It's perfect.

We have a four year gap, not by choice but that’s how it worked out. There’s positives about any gap, like there is negatives, and a big negative about a larger gap is that DD is like an only child as her older DB is off at Uni and out all the time when he’s home.

I know you say yours are close, but I guess I'd like a smaller gap so that they are into the same things - can play the same games, enjoy the same films, toys. I have a sister who is 7 years old than me, and a brother who is 4 years older. I always felt like the baby. I wanted to be able to tag along with them and couldn't always (on example: I remember them going to see Titanic in the 90s with my parents. I was too young to go!). As we got older and my brother and sister would be out drinking together and I couldn't join them. Also getting married and having babies. Their kids have grown up together. My little one has only just come along (nice that they can be older cousins but he's the baby, just like me! He'll now be the one too young to join!)

It's all the things you don't think about when they are babies and young children. I hope to have a 2-3 year gap. First baby is currently 10 months old.